School, Fun and Issues.....

I love this photo of these rocks. They are pretty rocks, with hearts on them. They have nothing what-so-ever to do with this post, but i love this pic anyway.

Growing up, i wasn't a fan of school. I was afraid of my own shadow, so that explains a lot of it. I wanted to be near my Mama. She and i had lived in Spain with my Abeula while my Dad was stationed in places we couldn't go, so it was pretty much the two of us, all of the time. Since she couldn't come to school with me, well, let us just say that i was not a very easy student to deal with. I wasn't a mean kid, just very quiet and kept to myself.

That's why i was happy when i saw that little Emma was comfortable around others. In fact, she loves being around others! This was a good thing, because if you're not scared of your shadow or your own voice, school can be a fun place of friends and of learning.

Or so i thought.

We have some issues.

Oh do we have some issues....

...but the good part of these issues seem to be that Emma's teachers are talking fondly of her, telling us that she is a sweet, smart, funny little girl who they hope they won't have to strangle before the year is out is trying her best to do better. Emma apologizes when she knows she's done wrong, which is a good thing. But i apologized, too, when i did something wrong. But in saying that, when i was in school, i don't remember:

~dinging little boys on the head with my book bag because they tried to hold my hand.

~throwing things in class, mostly because i didn't want any attention drawn to me

~hitting a teacher's glasses off her head and throwing them into the toilet

~doinking another child over the head with a dinosaur because she felt they weren't helping clean up

~laughing like a hyena at times when quiet/listening is called for

~burping and farting with another little boy to see who can burp/fart louder

You would think that i was raising Emma in a barn with the barn animals, yes?

Emma has issues listening and following directions. Keeping her hands to herself also seems to be an issue. It breaks my heart, though, when she tells me that she hates herself because she's 'bad' or that she doesn't like herself. I also hated hearing that she wanted to be called another child's name because she thought that this little girl was "good". This has lead to many conversations between she and i about the fact that "she" is not bad, her actions are, hating ourselves is never the answer and God made us as we are and He only made ONE of each of us. Thankfully, the past few weeks, we've had a bit of a break thru and she's had 3 smiley face days with notes of how well she's doing. I love seeing her so excited about "counting to ten" before she does something she is thinking about doing and getting a star stamp on her hand for a 'good job'.

I want Emma to love school and learning. I want to help her understand how amazing it is to learn something, to read good books and to do your best. I've started studying at the table for a class i am taking where she can see me and she'll come 'study', too. But most of all, i want to nip in the bud the talk/thought that she is 'bad', she 'hates' herself or wants to be someone else. That kind of stuff is truly destructive to one's soul and she's much too young for that...

I have some research to do, i think. If you are inclined to, please keep Emma in your prayers to become a strong, healthy little girl who loves herself just as God made her to be...

Every single word....

...is heard by little ears. Which, quite honestly, is a huge surprise to THIS Mama. I swear sometimes that no one (and i mean NO ONE, not even the puppy) is listening to me. I think that i just talk at times to hear my own voice, which strangely enough, is screaming out saying things that my Mama would once scream say to me. You know, the things that i swore i would NEVER, NEVER< EVER say to MY child?

Yeah.

Those things.

Anyhoo, this morning in the car on the way to school i heard Emma in the back seat chatting away to Pachi and herself. I love to spy listen in to these conversations between the two of them. I marvel at times at how grown up these little chats between the two of them are and giggle at the chats when the conversation turns funny. Stuff like "Pachi! NO FWINGERS IN DA NOSE!" or "Pachi! Don't say dat! We dwon't wlive in da barn!" makes me giggle hysterically to myself and totally makes the drive to school a memory to keep.

Every morning on the way to school, we drive by an old cemetery that has it's name above a big, wooden, spoke wheel. The wheel looks like an old carriage wheel, but at the top of the wheel, there is a piece that is missing, and it looks like it's broken. Emma has been fascinated with this wheel and cemetery. She wanted to know why "dat steering wheeel" was broken one morning and i explained to her that the wheel at the cemetery was a symbol of life. The round circle has no beginning or ending, but this particular wheel had a break in it to symbolize a beginning of life when we were born and the ending of life when we pass away and go to heaven to be with Jesus. The spokes could be the people we love in our lives, or moments that were special.

Of course, the questions from Emma started in rapid fashion. I like to think that i am prepared for these types of questions from Emma, but i just thought that some of these questions would happen later.


"Are we in da heaben too, Mommy?"

No, Emma, we aren't in heaven yet. It's not our time yet, sweetie...

"But WHY???"

Well, sweetie, i think God still has things for us to do on earth. He wants us to take care of others, love them, be kind...

"Wike when we took dose cookies to our fwriends?"

Yes, Emme, just like that. We still have work to do here on earth.

"Is dat where Gabby, Abuela, Ms. Jo are at?"

Yes, that's where Gabby, Abuela and Ms. Jo are at. They are in heaven with Jesus. I bet they look over us to help keep us safe.

"Why do we hafta stay hwere intead of goin' to heaben?"

Well, Emme, it's just not our time yet, Sweetie. We have things left to do, people to love on and take care of. It kinda works that way...

"Gabby, Abuela and Ms. Jo are wrealllly wuckly, Mommy! Dey are with God!"

(I'm a little shocked at this comment from Emma....) Yes, Emma, they ARE lucky! They are in heaven with God!

"When do we get to go to hebvean, Mommy? Can you come wiff me?"

Emma, every one has their own time to go to heaven. I am not sure when our time will be; no one really does. But if we don't go together, God will be right there, waiting for us, so there's no reason to be scared or worried about it.

"I dink that Gabby's Mommy misses her, don't you, Mommy?"

Oy.

I'm in tears now.

Yes, sweetie, i know Gabby's Mommy misses her so very much. But Gabby's Mommy knows that Gabby is with God, so even though it's sad for Gabby's Mommy, she knows that she'll see her again.

"Mwabe i can pwlay with Gabby when i go to hbeaven, right, Mommy"

Damn, damn, damn!

More tears from me...

Yep, Emme, when it's your turn to go to heaven, i bet Gabby will be so excited to play with you!

"WLLLOOOOKKKKK!! Dere's a brown COW! Brown cows gibe chocwlate milk! MOOOOO....."


And just like that, our conversation is over with about heaven as we start to count cows, horses, goats, and sheep....

....and as i count cows along with Emma, i say a silent, quick prayer for Gabby's Mommy who i know must miss her Gabby more than she can ever express.

I'm on a plane with my camera. I'm wearing jeans, my favorite boots, and a long-sleeved shirt with a shirt under that. I have a jacket with me, gloves and my camera bag. I am dressed for warmth. I have my passport in my bag....i'm flying somewhere to take photos. Important photos. Important photos of some place where the world is changing. An important place...where i am going to record history with my camera. I am off on a important trip. I am recording history with my camera. I am traveling...

"MAMA!! PICKLES POOPED ON DA FLOOR!!! MAMA!! BAD PWICKLES!! WAKE UP, MAMA!!"

....with my camera to record the world. I am excited, nervous and thrilled. I am traveling alone with my camera. And then the plane starts to shake...

"MAMA!! PLEASE WAKE UP! PICKLES POOPED! ON DA FLOOR! BAD PICKLES!! PICKLES, YOU ARE IN A BUNCHA TWROWBLE!! MAMA! WAKE UPPPPP!!"

What?!? What?!? Is my plane going down? Are we going to crash? Why is my seat shaking?? Oh, no, i'm dreaming! And my daughter, my beautiful daughter, is screaming at me to wake up because of poop.

I open one eye and Emma giggles. She kisses my nose, and i open both eyes. She giggles some more. I grab her and pull her towards me to kiss and hug her. She smells of baby shampoo and baby lotion. I'm not on a plane traveling to a world changing event with my camera...i'm at home, in my sunny bedroom.

I glance over at the clock that sits near my Mama's photo and notice it is 6am. It is a Sunday morning. I was dreaming again. I'm really not on a plane with my camera, rushing off to take world~class photos of some amazing, stunning, world event in a far off country. No, i'm home and i'm about to get out of bed and clean up puppy poopy.

"Mama, Pwickles is BAD! You gotta clean it up, Mama. I'm hungry. Pwickles is hungry, too. Are you hungry, Mama? I know! Wlets make PANCAKES!!"

"Sweetie, it's kinda early....." i try to tell her.

"But MAMA!! DA SUN IS UP! SEE?!?! And when da sun is up, we get up, wright??"

Early morning logic from a four year old.

I get up, looking over at my sleeping husband who hasn't budged an inch. He has apparently not heard that there is puppy poop on the floor. How can that be?? I guess he's not important enough for this big job of cleaning up puppy poopy. I, however, seem to be. I, Mommy Pooper Scooper of the Puppy and little girls, maker of breakfast, doer of laundry, driver-to-school, am the one for the job. I watch as my husband snuggles into his blanket...wanting to put a pillow over his head in a not-so-soft way.

"Okay, sweetie, show me where Pickles has pooped and you and i will take her outside to do her thing. Then we'll have breakfast and go for a walk with Pickles, okay?"

Emma is thrilled to show me where the poop is. After breakfast, we both get our shoes on, grab Pickles and his leash and set off for a walk together...my dream is still on my mind, however...

I wonder where i was going? Was i flying into a war zone? Maybe Afganistan? Or maybe i was going to take photo of Iraq and how things are going since the military pulled out. Or maybe i was going to do something in Cambodia. I've always wanted to go to Cambodia...or maybe i was going to Thialand. What a beautiful country that is! Maybe some where in Italy, like Rome or Tuscany? Maybe the Pope died. That's not world changing, though, is it? Why would i take photos of that??

Pickles wants to run and so does Emma, so we all run together, laughing and giggling as Pickles is doing her best to keep up with us. Pickles is growing up fast and before long, i am sure she will have no trouble keeping up with us. Doggys and baby girls grow up fast, you know...very fast.

We walk back to our home, Emma is pointing out grass, rocks, trees and dog poop all the way to our house.

"Wow, wlook, Mama! That oder doggy has BIG POOP!!"

sigh...yep, i am raising a little girl in a barn.

At home, i start laundry and Emma is ready to paint some art. The cute husband is up and reminds me that i need to get to the grocery store. We are out of milk, orange juice, eggs, bread....the list is long. I groan to myself as i know that i can't put off going to the grocery store any longer. I quickly make a list and then i do something i usually don't do:

I sneak out of the house to go to the grocery store alone.

Usually, i take Emma alone and it's an adventure. We look at all of the fruits, touch the veggies, look at all of the cereals and poke at the lobsters in the tank in the sea food area. We look at all of the yogurt, trying to decide which flavors we should get. Not today, though...

Today, i sneak out, alone.

I hate the grocery store. Hate. It. Why do i have to go to the grocery store? Why hasn't someone invented a computer program where you check off what you need, the grocery store delievers it, puts the groceries up and then leaves? Surely that is a program worth having if you're a grocery store. I bet all of the grocery stores CEOs are men. That's why this program doesn't exist. Those all important CEOs have wives that grocery shop. I hate the grocery store. Hate. It.

The parking lot is full. How did i forget that the playoffs are today? ggrrr...
I have my camera with me. I take it every where. I'm not sure why, though. What am i going to get a photo of? Bananas on sale? A child throwing a fit? I put my camera in my bag...and go into the store.

I take my time at the store. I wonder up each aisle, one by one. I know the aisles by heart, you know. It's almost a stay-at-home Mom's proof of having a brain, you know, learning and memorizing all of the grocery store ailes. Up and down each asile i go, slowly navigating the entire store as i get the things on my list.

Bananas? Check.
Blueberries? Check.
Onions? Check...

I shop slowly, not really thinking of much. I don't even go by the lobsters.

And then i check out, load up the groceries and drive slowly home where i'll put the groceries up and maybe clean up more doggy poopy. I am feeling sorry for myself as i drive.

I wanted to do life-changing things....but now, i'm the doggy poopy cleaner-upper girl who takes care of a home, a husband, a daughter. I pick out food i know they will like. I do things i know they will like. Where am i? Am i even still here?!? I don't even go to the bathroom alone...my daughter and puppy come with me. I should have traveled more. I should have done something important. I should have taken my camera and traveled the world. I should have seen more. I should have done more. I should have joined the Peace Corps like i wanted to instead of yeilding to my dad's rants. I should have done something more...I should have. I could have, you know. I could have.

Shut up, shut up!! You have an amazing life. A fantastic husband. A beautiful daughter. A home to live in. Food on the table. A cute puppy. Be grateful, dammit. BE GRATEFUL. Others have nothing and YOU have so much. So shut up...just shut up.

I shut up just as i drive into our garage.

The side door flies open as i get out of the car and there are the two that i love most in the world, my husband (who is smiling at me) and my little daughter who is screaming "MAMA, YOU'RE HOOMMMMEEEEE!!" Pickles is even in the garage to greet me, wagging her tail. I am hugged by my husband, my daughter hugs our legs and Pickles jumps around us.

It's good to be home, surrounded by hugs and kisses.

It's good to be home, as i smile to myself...right where i am suppose to be.

Missing Mama....

I wish that i could say that after 5 years, i miss my Mama less.

I miss her as much today, five years since she died, than ever before.

I do "feel" her around me more these days in the things that i do, in the things that i am trying to teach Emma, and in the way i am Emma's Mommy. I feel her when i bake her recipe for Chicken and Rice or bake Snowball Cookies. I feel her when i try to teach Emma how to clean up after herself and tie her shoes. I feel her when i hug my daughter in the mornings....and i feel her when i tuck Emma to bed at night after her prayers.

I still struggle with feeling "cheated" that she is not here physically with me. I get angry at God, telling Him that my Mama should be here with me, that surely I need her more than He does. I also tell him how much i miss her, how much i want her to see the mother i am becoming to Emma. I want her to be here for Emma, to love on her, play with her, teach her Spanish and bake with her. I sometimes scream that it's not fair that He took her from me.

And then i remember that i had my mother in my life for almost 40 years and i feel selfish for being angry at God. I had my Mama for my baby years, my preschool years, my elementary school years, my middle/high school years, my college years and all during my disaster of a first marriage.

My Mama also met Robert in 2006, and who i was blessed to marry in 2007.

She loved him and he loved her. They always joked about going dancing together once she felt better.

That dance never happened.

My Mama never got the chance to meet my Emma; Mama passed away in January 2007 and Emma came home to us in July of 2007. This probably makes my heart ache the most as my Mama would have loved Emma and Emma would have loved my Mama. It's ironic that Emma and my Mama have some of the same, odd personality traits: neither wants to be kissed unless THEY want to be kissed, and neither wants to hug unless THEY want to be hugged.

I don't know how to make the ache in my heart hurt less. I cry some mornings because i just want to call her, to hear her voice and i can't. I cry at holidays, because she is the one that made them special and she's not here to do that anymore. I cry on my birthday because there is no phone call from her, so she can sing Happy Birthday to me in Spanish.

She was an awesome Mama...

...and i miss her so much.

The Pilgrim....

I almost forgot these photos....

Here are my Pilgrims.

hehee....

It's Jingles the Elf!

Please welcome Jingle-Cupcake the Elf to our home, dear friends.

Jingles will be staying with us till Christmas Eve, it seems, to help keep an eye on Emma. Jingles will be reporting back to Santa nightly to tell Santa all about Emma's day and if she is being NAUGHTY or NICE.

Yeah, the next month should be very stressful for my darling daughter....

I'll be sure to report on how Jingle is doing with our family; and more importantly,

how EMMA is doing with being watched by an elf named Jingle-Cupcake....

It's Thanksgiving Day!

The Turkey and Stuffing....

....and the homemade Cranberry Relish are done!

Shredded turkey and gravy for later....

...which is a tradition from my Mama to serve for breakfast on

toast the morning after Thanksgiving, is also ready.

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving, friends....

May your day be blessed with family, friends,

lots of laughter, sharing and love.

Turkey Cookies

I love, love, love to bake.

My Father loved to bake.

So did my Mama.

And my Grandmother loved to bake, too.

I've always wanted to bake with a child. Back in the "old days" when i didn't think a family was going to be in the plans for my life due to my black sheep mentality and just not trusting that the Lord would put in my life whatever HE had planned, and not ME, i would dream of baking cookies with my daughter. Sugar cookies. With lots of icing and candy decorations. We would laugh and giggle as we baked, making a special plate for Dada....after a while, i shoved that dream to the farest reaches of my head. It was painful to think that i would never re-marry, or have a family. And so, dreams of baking with my future daughter faded...i threw myself into working and that did help a lot.

I still baked, mostly during the holidays or to bring treats to work. And i baked when i went home for the holidays to my parent's house. The smells, the laughter in our kitchen are what made the holidays for me. My sister's growing family would also come to our parent's home and i loved on my niece and nephews....trying desperately to block out the ache of dreams not realized in my life.

I wasn't sad, mind you, as i knew that there WAS a plan for my life. I made peace with the fact that God would show me where to walk; i just had to have patience. God may not have a husband or children in my life plan. Maybe he wanted me to travel to other countries, to serve. Or maybe to stay where i was already planted and just grown. Letting go of my dreams for husband/family was hard, but freeing. It's hard to trust God and let go; especially when you always think you need a plan and you need it N.O.W. I have always pictured the Lord looking down on me while i make plans and make my 'to-do' lists and 'must-do' list, shaking His head, smiling, almost giggling at me. I must ask about that when i get to heaven...

(Many years later, i did meet my husband....that's a whole 'nother amazing, sweet, beautiful story, so back to baking cookies!)

These Turkey Cookies were so easy and fun to do with Emma! I saw them on Pinterest and thought "Oh, yes, THAT'S THE COOKIE!" The supplies were easy to gather and we actually already had them in the pantry. The candy corn was leftover from Halloween. So all you needed was a sugar cookie recipe (or you can go buy already baked cookies if you're short on time), lots of icing, and leftover candy corn. I baked earlier in the morning to give the cookies time to cool, but both Emma and i iced and put on the candy corn.

Emma and i both ate way too many Turkey Cookies....and lots of good, sweet memories were made.

It was a perfect afternoon.

Perfect.

Those cookies were really, really cute. Next year, i think that we will bake a batch and have a little Thanksgiving Cookie Decorating Party with some friends. Or maybe decorate some Turkey Cookies and give to neighbors, friends, teachers, and such. I do think that i need to come up with a different name, though....how about Gobble Cookies?

I hope that Emma remembers these moments when she grows up. I hope that these kind of memories make her smile when she thinks back on them. Doing things together as a family, after all, are what the most cherished memories are made of....

...and more photos.

I took these photos with my cell phone. I don't mean to sound like a geek, but i love that camera on my cell phone! It makes it so much easier to snap a pic at any moment you'd like to capture....true, the file isn't that large, but i've taken some photos with my cell phone that i truly just love. There are also apps that you can use to change your photos! Amazing, i know....lol

I won't even go into how much easier it is to carry a cell phone than it is to carry Larry; not to mention how i don't worry about Larry being dropped or lost or worse, stolen---> Larry is my Canon 7D. :)

I prefer Dena's photos, but i do love our Butterfly Garden that Emma is playing in as i snapped these quick pics....a lot of love has gone into that little Butterfly Garden and Emma and i love it out there. To hear her giggle as she tries to catch butterflies makes my heart smile. If she's not giggling, she's watering, asking me for birdseed or smelling/picking flowers.

Everyone should have a Butterfly Garden....everyone.

New Photos...

Every year, around October/November, i try to get Emma to Dena SanMiguel. She is an amazing woman and photographer and i always come away from a session with her pleased. Usually, these photos are for Christmas cards or calendar gifts, which during the busy time of year, well, makes things so much easier for me.

On this session, the fact that Dena was able to get any shots of Emma surprised me. It was a cold morning and of course, that made my little four year old a very unhappy camper. Thankfully, Dena brought suckers! I don't know how she managed to get any good shots of Emma, but thankfully, she did. Being a child photographer is a hard job and Dena really knows her stuff.

Thank you, Dena, and we'll see you again in the Spring!