Swimming on Dry Land....

Every single word....

2012-01-30T08:58:00.005-06:00

...is heard by little ears. Which, quite honestly, is a huge surprise to THIS Mama. I swear sometimes that no one (and i mean NO ONE, not even the puppy) is listening to me. I think that i just talk at times to hear my own voice, which strangely enough, is ~~screaming out~~ saying things that my Mama would once ~~scream~~ say to me. You know, the things that i swore i would NEVER, NEVER< EVER say to MY child?

Yeah.

Those things.

Anyhoo, this morning in the car on the way to school i heard Emma in the back seat chatting away to Pachi and herself. I love to ~~spy~~ listen in to these conversations between the two of them. I marvel at times at how grown up these little chats between the two of them are and giggle at the chats when the conversation turns funny. Stuff like "Pachi! NO FWINGERS IN DA NOSE!" or "Pachi! Don't say dat! We dwon't wlive in da barn!" makes me giggle hysterically to myself and totally makes the drive to school a memory to keep.

Every morning on the way to school, we drive by an old cemetery that has it's name above a big, wooden, spoke wheel. The wheel looks like an old carriage wheel, but at the top of the wheel, there is a piece that is missing, and it looks like it's broken. Emma has been fascinated with this wheel and cemetery. She wanted to know why "dat steering wheeel" was broken one morning and i explained to her that the wheel at the cemetery was a symbol of life. The round circle has no beginning or ending, but this particular wheel had a break in it to symbolize a beginning of life when we were born and the ending of life when we pass away and go to heaven to be with Jesus. The spokes could be the people we love in our lives, or moments that were special.

Of course, the questions from Emma started in rapid fashion. I like to think that i am prepared for these types of questions from Emma, but i just thought that some of these questions would happen later.

"Are we in da heaben too, Mommy?"

No, Emma, we aren't in heaven yet. It's not our time yet, sweetie...

"But WHY???"

Well, sweetie, i think God still has things for us to do on earth. He wants us to take care of others, love them, be kind...

"Wike when we took dose cookies to our fwriends?"

Yes, Emme, just like that. We still have work to do here on earth.

"Is dat where Gabby, Abuela, Ms. Jo are at?"

Yes, that's where Gabby, Abuela and Ms. Jo are at. They are in heaven with Jesus. I bet they look over us to help keep us safe.

"Why do we hafta stay hwere intead of goin' to heaben?"

Well, Emme, it's just not our time yet, Sweetie. We have things left to do, people to love on and take care of. It kinda works that way...

"Gabby, Abuela and Ms. Jo are wrealllly wuckly, Mommy! Dey are with God!"

(I'm a little shocked at this comment from Emma....) Yes, Emma, they ARE lucky! They are in heaven with God!

"When do we get to go to hebvean, Mommy? Can you come wiff me?"

Emma, every one has their own time to go to heaven. I am not sure when our time will be; no one really does. But if we don't go together, God will be right there, waiting for us, so there's no reason to be scared or worried about it.

"I dink that Gabby's Mommy misses her, don't you, Mommy?"

Oy.

I'm in tears now.

Yes, sweetie, i know Gabby's Mommy misses her so very much. But Gabby's Mommy knows that Gabby is with God, so even though it's sad for Gabby's Mommy, she knows that she'll see her again.

"Mwabe i can pwlay with Gabby when i go to hbeaven, right, Mommy"

Damn, damn, damn!

More tears from me...

Yep, Emme, when it's your turn to go to heaven, i bet Gabby will be so excited to play with you!

"WLLLOOOOKKKKK!! Dere's a brown COW! Brown cows gibe chocwlate milk! MOOOOO....."

And just like that, our conversation is over with about heaven as we start to count cows, horses, goats, and sheep....

....and as i count cows along with Emma, i say a silent, quick prayer for Gabby's Mommy who i know must miss her Gabby more than she can ever express.

2012-01-24T15:09:00.006-06:00

I'm on a plane with my camera. I'm wearing jeans, my favorite boots, and a long-sleeved shirt with a shirt under that. I have a jacket with me, gloves and my camera bag. I am dressed for warmth. I have my passport in my bag....i'm flying somewhere to take photos. Important photos. Important photos of some place where the world is changing. An important place...where i am going to record history with my camera. I am off on a important trip. I am recording history with my camera. I am traveling...

"MAMA!! PICKLES POOPED ON DA FLOOR!!! MAMA!! BAD PWICKLES!! WAKE UP, MAMA!!"

....with my camera to record the world. I am excited, nervous and thrilled. I am traveling alone with my camera. And then the plane starts to shake...

"MAMA!! PLEASE WAKE UP! PICKLES POOPED! ON DA FLOOR! BAD PICKLES!! PICKLES, YOU ARE IN A BUNCHA TWROWBLE!! MAMA! WAKE UPPPPP!!"

What?!? What?!? Is my plane going down? Are we going to crash? Why is my seat shaking?? Oh, no, i'm dreaming! And my daughter, my beautiful daughter, is screaming at me to wake up because of poop.

I open one eye and Emma giggles. She kisses my nose, and i open both eyes. She giggles some more. I grab her and pull her towards me to kiss and hug her. She smells of baby shampoo and baby lotion. I'm not on a plane traveling to a world changing event with my camera...i'm at home, in my sunny bedroom.

I glance over at the clock that sits near my Mama's photo and notice it is 6am. It is a Sunday morning. I was dreaming again. I'm really not on a plane with my camera, rushing off to take world~class photos of some amazing, stunning, world event in a far off country. No, i'm home and i'm about to get out of bed and clean up puppy poopy.

"Mama, Pwickles is BAD! You gotta clean it up, Mama. I'm hungry. Pwickles is hungry, too. Are you hungry, Mama? I know! Wlets make PANCAKES!!"

"Sweetie, it's kinda early....." i try to tell her.

"But MAMA!! DA SUN IS UP! SEE?!?! And when da sun is up, we get up, wright??"

Early morning logic from a four year old.

I get up, looking over at my sleeping husband who hasn't budged an inch. He has apparently not heard that there is puppy poop on the floor. How can that be?? I guess he's not important enough for this big job of cleaning up puppy poopy. I, however, seem to be. I, Mommy Pooper Scooper of the Puppy and little girls, maker of breakfast, doer of laundry, driver-to-school, am the one for the job. I watch as my husband snuggles into his blanket...wanting to put a pillow over his head in a not-so-soft way.

"Okay, sweetie, show me where Pickles has pooped and you and i will take her outside to do her thing. Then we'll have breakfast and go for a walk with Pickles, okay?"

Emma is thrilled to show me where the poop is. After breakfast, we both get our shoes on, grab Pickles and his leash and set off for a walk together...my dream is still on my mind, however...

I wonder where i was going? Was i flying into a war zone? Maybe Afganistan? Or maybe i was going to take photo of Iraq and how things are going since the military pulled out. Or maybe i was going to do something in Cambodia. I've always wanted to go to Cambodia...or maybe i was going to Thialand. What a beautiful country that is! Maybe some where in Italy, like Rome or Tuscany? Maybe the Pope died. That's not world changing, though, is it? Why would i take photos of that??

Pickles wants to run and so does Emma, so we all run together, laughing and giggling as Pickles is doing her best to keep up with us. Pickles is growing up fast and before long, i am sure she will have no trouble keeping up with us. Doggys and baby girls grow up fast, you know...very fast.

We walk back to our home, Emma is pointing out grass, rocks, trees and dog poop all the way to our house.

"Wow, wlook, Mama! That oder doggy has BIG POOP!!"

sigh...yep, i am raising a little girl in a barn.

At home, i start laundry and Emma is ready to paint some art. The cute husband is up and reminds me that i need to get to the grocery store. We are out of milk, orange juice, eggs, bread....the list is long. I groan to myself as i know that i can't put off going to the grocery store any longer. I quickly make a list and then i do something i usually don't do:

I sneak out of the house to go to the grocery store alone.

Usually, i take Emma alone and it's an adventure. We look at all of the fruits, touch the veggies, look at all of the cereals and poke at the lobsters in the tank in the sea food area. We look at all of the yogurt, trying to decide which flavors we should get. Not today, though...

Today, i sneak out, alone.

I hate the grocery store. Hate. It. Why do i have to go to the grocery store? Why hasn't someone invented a computer program where you check off what you need, the grocery store delievers it, puts the groceries up and then leaves? Surely that is a program worth having if you're a grocery store. I bet all of the grocery stores CEOs are men. That's why this program doesn't exist. Those all important CEOs have wives that grocery shop. I hate the grocery store. Hate. It.

The parking lot is full. How did i forget that the playoffs are today? ggrrr...
I have my camera with me. I take it every where. I'm not sure why, though. What am i going to get a photo of? Bananas on sale? A child throwing a fit? I put my camera in my bag...and go into the store.

I take my time at the store. I wonder up each aisle, one by one. I know the aisles by heart, you know. It's almost a stay-at-home Mom's proof of having a brain, you know, learning and memorizing all of the grocery store ailes. Up and down each asile i go, slowly navigating the entire store as i get the things on my list.

Bananas? Check.
Blueberries? Check.
Onions? Check...

I shop slowly, not really thinking of much. I don't even go by the lobsters.

And then i check out, load up the groceries and drive slowly home where i'll put the groceries up and maybe clean up more doggy poopy. I am feeling sorry for myself as i drive.

I wanted to do life-changing things....but now, i'm the doggy poopy cleaner-upper girl who takes care of a home, a husband, a daughter. I pick out food i know they will like. I do things i know they will like. Where am i? Am i even still here?!? I don't even go to the bathroom alone...my daughter and puppy come with me. I should have traveled more. I should have done something important. I should have taken my camera and traveled the world. I should have seen more. I should have done more. I should have joined the Peace Corps like i wanted to instead of yeilding to my dad's rants. I should have done something more...I should have. I could have, you know. I could have.

Shut up, shut up!! You have an amazing life. A fantastic husband. A beautiful daughter. A home to live in. Food on the table. A cute puppy. Be grateful, dammit. BE GRATEFUL. Others have nothing and YOU have so much. So shut up...just shut up.

I shut up just as i drive into our garage.

The side door flies open as i get out of the car and there are the two that i love most in the world, my husband (who is smiling at me) and my little daughter who is screaming "MAMA, YOU'RE HOOMMMMEEEEE!!" Pickles is even in the garage to greet me, wagging her tail. I am hugged by my husband, my daughter hugs our legs and Pickles jumps around us.

It's good to be home, surrounded by hugs and kisses.

It's good to be home, as i smile to myself...right where i am suppose to be.

Missing Mama....

2012-01-06T15:47:00.002-06:00

I wish that i could say that after 5 years, i miss my Mama less.

I miss her as much today, five years since she died, than ever before.

I do "feel" her around me more these days in the things that i do, in the things that i am trying to teach Emma, and in the way i am Emma's Mommy. I feel her when i bake her recipe for Chicken and Rice or bake Snowball Cookies. I feel her when i try to teach Emma how to clean up after herself and tie her shoes. I feel her when i hug my daughter in the mornings....and i feel her when i tuck Emma to bed at night after her prayers.

I still struggle with feeling "cheated" that she is not here physically with me. I get angry at God, telling Him that my Mama should be here with me, that surely I need her more than He does. I also tell him how much i miss her, how much i want her to see the mother i am becoming to Emma. I want her to be here for Emma, to love on her, play with her, teach her Spanish and bake with her. I sometimes scream that it's not fair that He took her from me.

And then i remember that i had my mother in my life for almost 40 years and i feel selfish for being angry at God. I had my Mama for my baby years, my preschool years, my elementary school years, my middle/high school years, my college years and all during my ~~disaster of a~~ first marriage.

My Mama also met Robert in 2006, and who i was blessed to marry in 2007.

She loved him and he loved her. They always joked about going dancing together once she felt better.

That dance never happened.

My Mama never got the chance to meet my Emma; Mama passed away in January 2007 and Emma came home to us in July of 2007. This probably makes my heart ache the most as my Mama would have loved Emma and Emma would have loved my Mama. It's ironic that Emma and my Mama have some of the same, odd personality traits: neither wants to be kissed unless THEY want to be kissed, and neither wants to hug unless THEY want to be hugged.

I don't know how to make the ache in my heart hurt less. I cry some mornings because i just want to call her, to hear her voice and i can't. I cry at holidays, because she is the one that made them special and she's not here to do that anymore. I cry on my birthday because there is no phone call from her, so she can sing Happy Birthday to me in Spanish.

She was an awesome Mama...

...and i miss her so much.

The Pilgrim....

2011-11-27T23:05:00.003-06:00

I almost forgot these photos....

Here are my Pilgrims.

hehee....

It's Jingles the Elf!

2011-11-25T12:04:00.000-06:00

Please welcome Jingle-Cupcake the Elf to our home, dear friends.

Jingles will be staying with us till Christmas Eve, it seems, to help keep an eye on Emma. Jingles will be reporting back to Santa nightly to tell Santa all about Emma's day and if she is being NAUGHTY or NICE.

Yeah, the next month should be very stressful for my darling daughter....

I'll be sure to report on how Jingle is doing with our family; and more importantly,

how EMMA is doing with being watched by an elf named Jingle-Cupcake....

It's Thanksgiving Day!

2011-11-24T11:55:00.000-06:00

The Turkey and Stuffing....

....and the homemade Cranberry Relish are done!

Shredded turkey and gravy for later....

...which is a tradition from my Mama to serve for breakfast on

toast the morning after Thanksgiving, is also ready.

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving, friends....

May your day be blessed with family, friends,

lots of laughter, sharing and love.

Turkey Cookies

2011-11-23T11:14:00.001-06:00

I love, love, love to bake.

My Father loved to bake.

So did my Mama.

And my Grandmother loved to bake, too.

I've always wanted to bake with a child. Back in the "old days" when i didn't think a family was going to be in the plans for my life ~~due to my black sheep mentality and just not trusting that the Lord would put in my life whatever HE had planned, and not ME~~, i would dream of baking cookies with my daughter. Sugar cookies. With lots of icing and candy decorations. We would laugh and giggle as we baked, making a special plate for Dada....after a while, i shoved that dream to the farest reaches of my head. It was painful to think that i would never re-marry, or have a family. And so, dreams of baking with my future daughter faded...i threw myself into working and that did help a lot.

I still baked, mostly during the holidays or to bring treats to work. And i baked when i went home for the holidays to my parent's house. The smells, the laughter in our kitchen are what made the holidays for me. My sister's growing family would also come to our parent's home and i loved on my niece and nephews....trying desperately to block out the ache of dreams not realized in my life.

I wasn't sad, mind you, as i knew that there WAS a plan for my life. I made peace with the fact that God would show me where to walk; i just had to have patience. God may not have a husband or children in my life plan. Maybe he wanted me to travel to other countries, to serve. Or maybe to stay where i was already planted and just grown. Letting go of my dreams for husband/family was hard, but freeing. It's hard to trust God and let go; especially when you always think you need a plan and you need it N.O.W. I have always pictured the Lord looking down on me while i make plans and make my 'to-do' lists and 'must-do' list, shaking His head, smiling, almost giggling at me. I must ask about that when i get to heaven...

(Many years later, i did meet my husband....that's a whole 'nother amazing, sweet, beautiful story, so back to baking cookies!)

These Turkey Cookies were so easy and fun to do with Emma! I saw them on Pinterest and thought "Oh, yes, THAT'S THE COOKIE!" The supplies were easy to gather and we actually already had them in the pantry. The candy corn was leftover from Halloween. So all you needed was a sugar cookie recipe (or you can go buy already baked cookies if you're short on time), lots of icing, and leftover candy corn. I baked earlier in the morning to give the cookies time to cool, but both Emma and i iced and put on the candy corn.

Emma and i both ate way too many Turkey Cookies....and lots of good, sweet memories were made.

It was a perfect afternoon.

Perfect.

Those cookies were really, really cute. Next year, i think that we will bake a batch and have a little Thanksgiving Cookie Decorating Party with some friends. Or maybe decorate some Turkey Cookies and give to neighbors, friends, teachers, and such. I do think that i need to come up with a different name, though....how about Gobble Cookies?

I hope that Emma remembers these moments when she grows up. I hope that these kind of memories make her smile when she thinks back on them. Doing things together as a family, after all, are what the most cherished memories are made of....

...and more photos.

2011-11-23T10:40:00.001-06:00

I took these photos with my cell phone. I don't mean to sound like a geek, but i love that camera on my cell phone! It makes it so much easier to snap a pic at any moment you'd like to capture....true, the file isn't that large, but i've taken some photos with my cell phone that i truly just love. There are also apps that you can use to change your photos! Amazing, i know....lol

I won't even go into how much easier it is to carry a cell phone than it is to carry Larry; not to mention how i don't worry about Larry being dropped or lost or worse, stolen---> Larry is my Canon 7D. :)

I prefer Dena's photos, but i do love our Butterfly Garden that Emma is playing in as i snapped these quick pics....a lot of love has gone into that little Butterfly Garden and Emma and i love it out there. To hear her giggle as she tries to catch butterflies makes my heart smile. If she's not giggling, she's watering, asking me for birdseed or smelling/picking flowers.

Everyone should have a Butterfly Garden....everyone.

New Photos...

2011-11-21T09:44:00.007-06:00

Every year, around October/November, i try to get Emma to Dena SanMiguel. She is an amazing woman and photographer and i always come away from a session with her pleased. Usually, these photos are for Christmas cards or calendar gifts, which during the busy time of year, well, makes things so much easier for me.

On this session, the fact that Dena was able to get any shots of Emma surprised me. It was a cold morning and of course, that made my little four year old a very unhappy camper. Thankfully, Dena brought suckers! I don't know how she managed to get any good shots of Emma, but thankfully, she did. Being a child photographer is a hard job and Dena really knows her stuff.

Thank you, Dena, and we'll see you again in the Spring!

Thanksgiving Acorn Cupcakes

2011-11-20T19:59:00.005-06:00

I made these cupcakes this year for Emma's preschool class. The class had a Thanksgiving Meal that parents could attend and i wanted to do a special cupcake. I wasn't sure if i wanted to make these or Turkey Cookies; somehow, Acorn Cupcakes seemed a bit too grown up for a class of four year olds. And they were...i'm afraid that the horrid looking Turkey Cookies that tasted icky were a hit in looks, but the cupcakes were eaten. What wasn't eaten, i made sure did not come home with me. With the week that i've had, i would have eaten every one of the left-over cupcakes before i had even made it home....

Preschool is a challenge for my Emma. Not sure why, but we are working to find ways to make things better. I spent the day in class with her last Thursday and she was so very good the entire day, so i'm not sure what exactly is going on in her mind. I don't know if spending so much time with me alone is the issue, if she has listening issues (she did fantastic on Thursday), or if it's something else. I can tell that she knows what she's suppose to do and how she is suppose to act...yet, she's having problems. I'm thankful for her two teachers...they are gems and i'm grateful that they are willing to work with her.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. We'll be staying home this year, just the three of us. Robert has been doing a bit of traveling lately, so we truly need this time together. I do wish that we had some family or some company, but i am looking forward to having Emma and Robert all to myself for a few days. I'm planning on doing some photos; i really haven't had much time to shoot lately.

I'm working on a few things, but it's too early to talk about that just yet. Better to just concentrate on the holidays, i think...

Fall

2011-11-01T10:57:00.005-06:00

Forgive me for these photos...they were taken with my phone camera. To be honest, no camera (maybe even my Canon 7D!), i think, can truly show just how breath-taking beautiful Tennessee is in the Fall. Fall has always been one of my most favorite times of year, and since moving to Tennessee a few years ago, Fall has taken my breath away.

My photos just don't do the beauty of Tennessee any justice, especially in the Fall. The colors are simply amazing. From the reds, oranges, greens, browns and amazing yellows of the leaves, i just can't seem to capture to majesty of the beauty. It may just be a season that one has to see in order to appreciate the beauty. I walk around most of Fall in wonder of the trees that are around, in their changing season. It seems as though every day brings a new shade of color to my little area of the world. God truly out-did himself when he created Tennessee in the Fall.

I am sure that more camera time outside would help me capture the beauty that surrounds me. My new camera is still a learning experience and i imagine it will be that way for some time. My trusty older Canon and i, however, have things down pat and do mangage to get some shots together. I just always wonder, though, if the person looking at my tree photos truly, truly can see and feel the beauty.

TREES

by: Joyce Kilmer
(1886-1918)

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

"I don't like da beach..."

2011-10-28T20:22:00.006-06:00

I have always in-visioned having a child who loved the beach even more than i. She would want to be on the beach from sun up to sun down, collecting shells, making sand castles, playing in the water and running on the beach. She would simply beg me to stay longer at the beach and i would happily say "of course".

Isn't it funny how you sometimes think that your child will just "love" the same things that you do?!?! Really, it can be almost downright hysterical...in a sick, sick kinda way.

On the morning of our second day here, we hit the beach. I can't tell you how excited i was to be on the beach. I love the beach with a passion. The smell of the sea water, the sand, and the amazing sounds of the waves. It feels like coming home to me, when i finally get to sink my toes into the sand. Emma, was really excited, too, having found some other little girls to play with. I settled down into my chair to enjoy the beach with a book that i would probably not read. Robert watched over Emma, who was playing with her new little friends. All was well for the next hour or so...and then, i was just about to doze off when i heard Emma crying.

I was so close to dozing off when i heard Emma crying. Really. I was SO close.

Crying?

At the beach?

My daughter?

Couldn't be.

ah, yes, Grasshopper, it was.

I could not figure out what in the world the problem was. She was crying that she hated the beach. She hated the water. She hated the sand. She itched...

Being the ~~calm, understanding~~ loopy mother that i am, i finally figured out that she had sand in her bottoms. I grab a towel, wrapped it around her, and took off her bathing suit. I am not, btw, happy. Really? Of COURSE there is sand in your bottoms! She and her little friends were digging a hole to China in the sand, for heaven's sake. Couldn't i just get back into my chair and continue to pretend i was going to nap?

umm, that would be a 'no' for those of you out there without the blessings of children who were wondering.

So, i dust off the sand a almost hysterical Emma....deciding to just take her back in and clean her up. I get her upstairs, still crying (not me, her) and talk her into a bubble bath with her friends (the dinosaurs). She calms down a little and finally begins to calm down a bit. I sit on the floor, watching her play, wondering what in the world she was so upset about.

As she plays mermaid in the tub, she flips over so i can see her bottom.

Emma has sand abrasions all over her bottom and the tops of her legs. Bright, red, angry sand abrasions...i called for Robert, not really wanting him to see that i was a candidate for the Worst Mother of the Year Award by getting irritated her when she was truly in pain.

"Isabel," he tells me quietly, "it's okay. It's just sand abrasions. She'll be fine."

I knew that...really i did. But the thing that i knew, too, was that i couldn't believe how selfish i had acted. I just wanted to sit on the beach...and i was irritated that i couldn't.

The thing is, vacations are different now. It's not an Isabel and Robert get-a-way anymore. It's a FAMILY vacation. And that means that everyone is on vacation...and well, it seems that i am kinda not. I'm just in a different place, doing what i do, being a Mom. Moms don't take vacations on family vacations...

...which makes me sound like the most selfish person in the world.

And i guess i am. Seriously? I am complaining about being a Mom?!?! This is the job i wanted most in the world. This gig is 24-7, being a Mom. I knew that before i signed up for the title of Mommy.

To be honest, i wouldn't want to be on vacation without Emma or Robert. Where is the fun in that?

I am surprised, you know, that my sister and i made it into adulthood...had i been my mother, i would have left the both of us at a rest stop while we were on vacation. My sister and i were horrible together growing up. Being in a car with no air-conditionaire for hours on end together in the back seat did not bring out the best in either of us. Kudos to my Mama for not beating us with a tree limb or kicking us out of the car and having my Dad drive off without us.

Back to being selfish...

Perhaps the solution is to have a day on vacation for both Robert and i where we take off alone to do what ever it is we want to do, alone. He could go do that boat/fishy thing and i could take off with my camera for the day to just photograph.

I just don't remember my parents doing stuff like that...where ever my parents were is where my sister and i were. Of course, my Mom did look pissed off a lot during our vacations...a day away from the three of us probably would have done wonders for her mental health.

This being a Mom thing is hard sometimes...

I'm being called by Emma to eat Popsicles in bed, so i should go.

I don't want to miss doing that, you know....it's our new Family Vacation Ritual. :)

Learning...

2011-10-17T09:50:00.009-06:00

...to slow down has not been an easy task for me. To be patient has not been an easy task to learn, either. I am learning, though.

I am learning.

Just not as fast as i would like.

Emma loves, loves, LOVES to paint. She loves the colors, the feel of the paint and getting her hands, face, and anything else nearby, full of paint. And she loves to paint slowly.

S-L-O-W-L-Y.

That means, for me, sitting there. For what seems like forever....just sitting there.

One day, as i was looking out the window after i had 'finished' my painting and Emma painted on, i realized that my little artist was four years old. And, she was in preschool. I looked over at Emma, her face scrunched up in concentration as she painted, and remembered back to when she was a baby. Four short years ago, she was a baby who needed me for everything. Oh, she still needs me, but in different ways.

She can feed herself.

She can dress herself.

She can wash her hair.

She can clean off the table after dinner.

I always seem to want her to move faster, to do things quicker.

I need to stop that. Because the faster she moves, the faster time with her goes.

Blink.

She's a baby.

Blink.

She's walking.

Blink.

She's running.

Blink.

She's talking.

Blink.

She's in a Mother's Day Out program.

Blink.

She's a kitty for Halloween.

Blink.

She is hopping on Santa's lap.

Blink.

She's in preschool.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

So, i think that i will work even more at learning to slow down and have patience. I will walk slower with Emma, look at more rocks, collect more dirt and leaves and instead of planning what i need (or what Emma needs) to do next, i'll be in the moment i am, remembering that patience and slowing down to enjoy the world through her eyes, is truly a good thing.

I think, too, that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of making me really see all that i have to be grateful and thankful for by walking slower, and looking at the world again WITH Emma. It's so easy to forget all of the amazing things that children and the world have to offer...

...and with Thanksgiving coming up, it's never too early to slow down and remember these things.

Lilli House in Franklin, TN

2011-10-16T11:13:00.009-06:00

I managed to sneak back out to Franklin a few days ago to take a few photos of the Lilli House. I don't know much about this house, but the photos don't do this beautiful house any justice! It is truly a beautiful house that has a charm all of it's own!

Life at 46....

2011-09-29T10:13:00.001-06:00

My two favorite people EVER!
...is nothing like i thought it would be. I don't mean that in a bad way, mind you, i just mean that i am in a place that i never thought i would be lucky enough to be in. I have a amazing husband, who makes me challenge myself to become a better woman. I have a little daughter, who has managed to teach me more in 4 years than i ever thought possible about life and love.

It's a blessed life, this life i have...

...and i am grateful beyond measure.

The most stunning thing i've learned lately is how little i truly "know" me. Oh, i know what color i like, what things make me smile, but i don't know why some really important things like: how to live a daily life that is on a path of improving my spirit, mind and body. Even at this age, there is still so much to learn and how it's never to late to start striving to live the life you want. The ending of each of our "dashes" hasn't happened yet and i have finally learned that every moment that happens in our dashes is important and worth having. But you know, it does take a lot of effort to live in our dashes but this is our only journey and we don't get 'do-overs'.

The Dash is truly worth living.

btw, the "dash" is the line between where you were born and where you die.

Yep, that's "the dash".

I'm sure that you've heard about it before.

Recently, in a class that i am taking, we read Hebrews 12:1-3. It has now become a favorite scripture of mine.

"...let us throw off every thing that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out before us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus...so you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Yes, forty-six is a good place for me. Tough at times, insane at time, happy experiences at times, bad choices some times, but so worth it now that i am here.

I am where i am suppose to be.

Happy Birthday to me!

I love Franklin, TN

2011-09-28T09:47:00.001-06:00

Going into town after the round-a-bout
Franklin Theatre on Main Street
A happy Franklin rabbit!
My dream house is for sale on Main Street for the extremely low, low, LOW price of almost $900,000
House next to my dream home
Another beautiful home...
Church on the round-a-bout
I spent most of Wednesday in Franklin, TN with my camera. Not only was it a beautiful, beautiful day, but that town is so beautiful all on it's own. I love this "little" (if you know anything about Franklin, you know that it can't be described as "little"!) town. Actually, what i love is the 'old' part of Franklin; i would live there in a second if i could talk my sweet husband into braving the traffic to get to work each day.

I took so many pictures in Franklin but i am still getting use to this new camera of mine. Still so much to learn about light, angles, etc. It is a dream of a camera, though, but not surprising, some of my photos don't do the view justice.

Franklin has grown almost too fast, some folks say; but i will say that in the older part of Franklin, walking around with my camera, i forgot about the traffic and all of the growing pains that Franklin is known for. I spoke to neighbors visiting their neighbors, met a sweet couple from England, played with two Golden Retrievers and a cat, and just enjoyed the tree lined town. It was peaceful and oddly relaxing and simple to spend time walking through this area.

I'll be back to visit next week, camera in hand.

We try....

2011-09-20T09:58:00.006-06:00

Baked Spaghetti Pizza
...to eat healthy around here. Really, we do. Most times we do a good job and all of those other times, we really do a horrible job, especially on weekends. Fruits are a favorite around here with all of us, dairy is something we all love, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread with a big glass of low fat milk makes all three of us giddy with excitement (even though i know it's not on the list of the most healthiest dinner ever).

Recently, i started reading and watching documentaries on food, eating and health. With Halloween coming up, it really is a good time to watch this stuff as it will scare the beegeezes out of you. Dairy is not a good thing to have. Animal proteins are of the devil. Processed food are pretty much linked to everything bad in a diet. Soda? Diet Soda? It's the drink of choice of the devil. Fruit? You are suppose to watch that due to sugar content. Beans? On the bad list of things to run from. Breads/Grains? bwahahahaaa.....it's also of the devil. The list of "don't eat THAT, but eat THIS" seems never-endless and to be honest, confusing at times.

The one thing everyone that i've read and watched do seem to agree on is that a plant based diet is a good thing. I love to agree with things that are 'right', but...that doesn't exactly make me want to scream "HOORAY" at the top of my lungs, either, and eat that way immediately.

The truth is, when i eat very little meat, stay away from daily and breads, stay away from sugars, have no soda and eat, well, kinda like a vegan, i feel better. I will leave out the part where when i do attend the YMCA on a regular basis and walk, i feel like a million bucks, too...but again, it's the truth.

I hate telling the truth sometimes.

Really, i do. Because then, well, i feel like i should do the right things. You know, like a parent should do for the health of their family? Lead by example and eat and exercise like a parent should?

Which would be to eat like a 'semi-vegan' if there even is such a thing and exercise regularly. I am sure that a true vegan reading this would scream at the computer "SEMI-VEGAN?!?! There is NO such thing! BE a VEGAN or don't be a vegan!" And they are probably right.

So, here at the ol' Johannes homestead, where i am head Diva~Mommy-
~In~Charge, i'm trying to figure out what direction to go towards. Robert will pretty much go along with anything as long as i take care of it and fix it for him. Emma, well, she's a bit tougher of a challenge. Fruits, milk, wheat bread, are some of her favorites. And i am wondering, as a child, if that kind of diet isn't healthier for her till she gets a little older. Looks like some research on child's diets is needed...

I shudder to think what i'll do without my daily treat: a Diet Coke just after Emma comes home from school. Emma will eat a banana,fruit salad or a small pack of chocolate chip cookies with milk, and i'll sit with her at the table and we'll chat about what we'll do with the rest of the day. And i slowly enjoy sipping my ice cold Diet Coke and enjoy every second of it. Somehow, drinking water doesn't seem as enjoyable...

I'm in the mist of reading a book called "The Primal Blueprint" and i'm also flipping through the Primal Blueprint Quick and Easy Meals Cookbook. Basically, it's a 'primal', paleo, low-carb, grain-free, dairy-free, gluten-free way to eat. I must admit, once i saw the words "primal, low-carb, grain-free, dairy-free and gluten-free way to eat", i wondered, other than grass and fruit, what there would be left to eat. It's an interesting book, and to make it a lifestyle, well, would be a challenge and take a ~~huge, freaking, unbelievable amount of work on my part~~ big commitment. But it would be worth it, not only for Emma, but for Robert and i as well.

It does concern me that my mother ate a healthy diet. My Mama passed away in early January 2007. She ate mostly fruits, greens, veggies, very little meat (red, chicken or fish), and drank lots of water way before it was fashionable to do so. Mama also would eat eggs and toast occasionally, but she was a much healthier eater than the rest of us. Mama was 5'4 and always weighed between 115/125 pounds. For the longest time, i didn't understand how she had cancer. Her diet wasn't the problem, i thought. But then i realized that she was married to a very, very heavy smoker for over 40 years so i'm willing to bet that contributed to her cancer more than her diet.

So, i'll finish this book and work on a plan. I think that slowly changing over with a date to completely eat this way is the best way for me to go. And of course, i do think that 80/20 would be a good goal for me at least for the first year. Perhaps, after i feel the benefits, it won't be hard to stay the course.

I will, however, desperately miss my Diet Coke...

Soup, Soup, Soup!

2011-09-15T13:08:00.000-06:00

I have always loved soup. There is nothing better than a yummy bowl of soup in the Fall! From Split Pea Soup, to Chicken Noodle Soup, to Lentil Soup, to Taco Soup, well, i have all of recipes that were given to me from my Mom. My mother use to make me soup often and although i use her recipes, well, they still don't taste the same. I'm not sure why, as i use the EXACT same recipes. I would often beg her when i would come home to visit to please, please, PLEASE make me some soup to take home with me. Of course, either to make me shut up or to make me happy, she would.

She loved me.

I miss her.

I miss her a lot.

The last recipe i got from her was for a soup called Taco Soup. Most of the other recipes, she tweaked, but this one, she didn't have time to. We only had this soup once together before she became ill, so after she passed away, i decided to tweak this recipe on my own. This was a big thing, you see, because i didn't mess with her recipes. I make her recipes exactly as she made for me, no changes. But, it seemed almost fitting that it was time for me to do the 'tweaking'.

Taco Soup is a popular soup with so many different recipes. In fact, Taco Soup is also known as a Weight Watcher Recipe. This soup is an easy, peeasy soup to put together and it's one of those soups that you often have all you need in your pantry. Not to mention, you can change it up quickly for different events: add tortilla chips and make the soup thicker for a football game dinner, or make it spicier for a friend who likes their soup with a bit of heat. Or to entice a child to eat it, add goldfish and cheese to the finished soup, but remember that you need to adjust the seasonings for a little one.

Here is my version of this recipe that i got from my Mama....which i am sure is much like the other versions out there!

BUSY-ISSY'S TACO SOUP

1 to 2 pounds of ground turkey or beef
1 package of taco seasoning
1 package of ranch dressing
1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
1 can of corn (drained)
1 or two can of black beans (can rinse if you like)
1 can of pinto beans
1 can of tomato sauce
2 can of diced tomatoes(or 1 can of Rotel) with jalapenos or chilies
1 can of Mexican-Style Stewed tomatoes, crushed
5/6 cups of water
1/2 small can of cans diced green chilies (optional)

Directions:
~Brown ground turkey or ground beef, adding the onions first and then the green peppers as the meat starts to break apart and brown. Drain fat from pan (okay, so i don't do a great job of draining, but it's okay as i think the fat makes it taste better!) and add the 5/6 cups of water, stirring the meat and water together.
~Add the Taco Seasoning and the Ranch Dressing Seasoning. If i am using 6/7 cups of water, i add the entire seasoning packages. If you use less water, use less of the seasoning packs...it's a kinda "see what you like" thing. Stir well and bring to a slight boil.
~Add cans of diced tomatoes (don't drain!!) and stir well.
~Add can of crushed Mexican-Styled tomatoes, stir well
~Add can of tomato sauce and again, stir well.
~Bring to a boil and turn the heat down to simmer. Let simmer for a bit (i let it simmer 15 minutes or so) and then add the corn and all of the beans and cook just to heat. If you add the corn and beans sooner, they might get mushy.
~Cook till nice and hot....done!

You can serve this soup with sour cream, cheese, tortilla chips or eat as is. It is a great soup for a Fall gathering, too...the soup can be paired with yummy cheese quesidillas or corn chips.

I will say that this is one of those recipes where you can make it up as you go along. If you like your soup thicker, then forget the 6 cans of water and use less. I have even heard of folks using two of the Taco Seasoning packages and two of the Ranch Dressing Seasoning packages; but for me, that's a bit too much.

Lentil Soup will more than likely be on the menu for next week...so glad that fall is finally here!

Some days....

2011-09-14T09:16:00.003-06:00

....things just happen.

Curiosity gets the best of us and we do things just to see what will happen, or what it will be like.

This was one of those days, folks.

While i was busy studying for a class that i'm taking, my daughter was playing with her stamping stuff. You know, the crafty box with all of the wooden stamps that comes with a stamp pad that you can easily clean off? Yep, that one.

It seems that ~~Destructor-Girl~~ Emma felt that this pad that she had in her box of stamps wasn't 'working' well enough, so, she decides to use the one that she saw me use earlier in the day.

My Japanese-Black-Permanent-No-Rub-Off-EVER-Ink.

Yep, that one.

As you can see, the 'thrill' of using my Japanese-Black-Permanent-No-Rub-Off-EVER-Ink was just too much fun, so my dear Emmie decided to stamp with her fingers. And hands. And her face, too, apparently.

Awesome.

Absolutely AWESOME.

Nothing like trying to scrub off PERMANENT BLACK INK off a child!

It's kinda like nailing jell-o to a tree, you know.

I did manage to get it off her face, arms, and legs, but had little luck on her hands and fingers. I was truly feeling like Mom of the Year...and i had no one to blame but myself as i am the one who left the stupid ink pad out in the first place.

I hate when that happens. I hate when it really IS my fault.

Needless to say, all of my ink is now hidden in the house.

Let's hope that the ink stays hidden...

Not off to a great start....

2011-09-08T17:43:00.001-06:00

"Pato" the Puppet looking sad
....at preschool.

In fact, that's putting it rather mildly.

We had a great first day. I breathed a sigh of relief that Emma seemed to love her new class and teachers. She chatted all the way home the first day about all of the things that she had done, how much fun she had. Emma's little folder with her daily calendar had a huge red smiley face on the first day, showing that she did all that she was suppose to do, that she listened, cleaned up, kept her hands to herself, and played well with others.

I was so proud. Really, i was thrilled with that goofy red smiley face on her calendar!! You would have thought that i earned the goofy red smiley face...i kinda did, didn't i? I mean, sorta, right?

Day 2, you ask? How did Day 2 go for our Tot-In-Training?

Not so much of doing the things that she was suppose to do.

Emma hit one of her teachers when she was trying to instruct her one-on-one. And when the teacher told Emma that hitting was not acceptable, my dear imp of a child covered her ears with her hands.

Then, she continued to ignore the teacher and colored the floor with her markers.

Off to time-out she went.

No smiley face for Day 2.

Oh, yes, please, ask me about Day 3....

On Day 3, Emma boinked a little girl in the head with a dinosaur during clean-up time because the little girl grabbed one of "Emma's" dinosaurs.

Yeah.

No smiley face for Day 3, either.

Thank God that there were only three days of school this week.

The teachers were so very nice to me, and invited me to come "visit" to watch how Emma does if i wanted to. I'm pretty sure that they knew how horrified i was by the events of Day 2 & Day 3. They wanted to make sure that we were on the same program of time-out and taking away privileges, which we were. I was so thankful that Emma's teachers are the kind of women that they are....gracious and kind ~~to Mommies who want to disappear into the floor when stuff like this happens~~.

But then again, maybe they are worried that on Monday, Emma will poke some child's eye out with a crayon or attack one of them with a large plastic dinosaur...

Emma was so shocked to see that she had two non-smiley faces! How could this be?!? She actually asked me to show her the calendar so she could see for herself that she got another non-smiley face.

"Mama! Why'd i get a 'nother sad face?!?! Are you swure??"

"ummm, Emma, you hit a little girl over the head with a dinosaur today, remember? We are not to hit ANYONE, EVER, period. Just wait till i tell your Daddy...."

"Otay, Mommy, it be okay. We swhould NEBER, NEBER HIT ANYBODY, right?"

sigh....

And can you believe that i have already resorted to the "just-wait-till-i-tell-your-Daddy" threat already?? On Day 3?!? I was hoping to save that line for much, much later.

I can't WAIT to see what next week holds for us, can you?

First Day of Preschool

2011-09-06T17:20:00.002-06:00

I wish that i could tell you that i took a million photos of today.

But the truth is, i didn't take a single photo.

Not one.

I decided the night before that i wasn't going to take any photos because i wanted to be "in" the moment and not behind the lens of a camera, looking in on my daughter, who was starting her newest life adventure.

I woke up very early to pack her lunch, make sure that i had labeled everything with her name, double check the 'supply list' of items she needed for her class, re-pack it all again and pack the car with everything on my list. I wanted all of that done before i woke up my little Miss Sunshine who hates waking up early. Emma is not a morning girl so i wanted to be able to focus on her and make sure that we started the day off in a happy mood.

Being up so early gave me lots of time to think and reminisce this morning while doing all of this. It wasn't a time of sadness, but more of disbelief. Disbelief that Emma is now four years old and starting school. Disbelief that the past four years have flown by in what seems like a blink of an eye. Disbelief that although i've been here with her as a stay-at-home Mommy and have been here with her to see her grow....well, i am surprised sometimes when i see just how much she has grown up right before my eyes. I haven't missed a single moment and for a few minutes this morning, i wished the time backwards to re-live it all again with her and Robert.

Emma surprised me by getting up on her own. Potty time, brushing teeth time, washing face time and then getting dressed. Shoes on, hair brushed, pink bow in hair. Time for a breakfast of yogurt and strawberries.

As i sat there with her at the table, i listened to her chatter. She said that she was going to school today, that Pachi was coming, too and she would meet her new teachers. Watching her, i smiled to myself at her excitement. Emma ate carefully with her spoon, careful not to spill anything on herself as she ate. Gone are the days of my ducking food that she would sling all over the place, gone are the days of mashing strawberries all over her face, trying to find her mouth. In place of those times is a little girl who is growing up quickly...

Finally, Emma, Robert and i load up into the car after Emma checks out her Butterfly Garden and head off to her new school. She'll be at school four days a week from 9am-3pm. Four days a week. Four days a week....

She chatters the entire way with Pachi while i'm lost in my thoughts. Emma sings along with her favorite Veggie Tales CD as we drive along in her off-tune, cute way, "Jweses wuffsss meeee, dis i knoowwww....." and i can feel tears starting to well in my eyes. So very hard to step back and let Emma fly off away from my nest, but that is what my job entails as she continues to grow up.

"Wwlitttle wones bewlong to Him...."

How often i tend to forget that Emma is first a child a God and not MY own possession? He has entrusted Robert and i with this child. Emmie belongs to HIM and it's my job to do the best i can do to prepare her for her life. And if it means letting her go, bit by bit, then that's what i'll do.

"Deeewere are wwweeek but He dis stronnnggggg....."

To the school we go. We find her room, her new teachers introduce themselves to us and Emma sees a huge painting of the world on a nearby wall with photos of the little children across the top from different countries.

"LWOOK, MAMA! IT'S DA HOLE WOORLD!"

Robert, of course, is thrilled with how Emma is handling things this morning. It's me who he is waiting to see how long it will take for me to nut up and grab Emma and run out of the rooms screaming.

Emma spies some dinosaurs and she's off towards them as i kiss her quickly....

"Emma! Have a good day, sweetie, be good today and i'll be back......" i trail off as i realize she's not really listening to me and Robert is pulling me to the door as the two teachers smile at me.

"Bye, MAMA!! Hab a oood day!" Emma tells me, over her shoulder, with a huge plastic dinosaur in each hand.

"She'll have a great day, Mrs. Johannes! Pick-up time is at 3....enjoy your day!" says one of the teachers.

Enjoy my day? Enjoy my day?? I want to 'enjoy' my day with my daughter, dammit. I want to paint with her. I want to teach her Spanish words. I want to teach her about plants and animals. I want to teach her about the season....i want to run with her and play chase.

Me.

I want to do all of that.

Enjoy my day.

...and to myself in the car, as Robert and i drive away, i sing to myself, holding back tears:

Jesus loves me, this i know,
For the bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
They are weak but He is strong...

See you at three o'clock sharp, Emmie....

It's Labor Day Weekend!

2011-09-03T09:09:00.002-06:00

We are waiting on guests to show up and spend the weekend with us!

I hope that the rain will stay away. It's hard to have a cookout in the rain.

But even if it does rain, i'm sure that we'll have fun together!

Now, then, if i could just get these two of mine out of bed, i'd be in business!

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Enjoy your time with friends and family....

Wade Belak

2011-09-02T08:33:00.004-06:00

Photo of Wade by Dan Stewart
This isn't really a post about Wade Belak. It's kinda about Wade, though. There are plenty of blog posts and news stories out right now about the well-loved former Nashville Predators hockey player who committed suicide two days ago in a Toronto hotel room, leaving behind a wife and two small daughters.

I guess this post is about every potential "Wade" out there...and how that potential "Wade" could be a family member or cherished friend and you might not even know it.

I'm not sure what lead Wade to commit suicide. Only Wade and God know that, but i'm willing to bet that depression (that ugly word that no one really wants to admit to much less say out loud) played a part in his death. No one close to him apparently had any idea that this 35 year young man was depressed; i've heard and read stories about his outgoing, fun personality and his love of playing pranks on team mates. I do know from reading and seeing (yes, i do love attending hockey games and love the Nashville Predators!) that many of the Nashville Predator fans and his team mates loved the guy that they knew on the ice and off...

Like most folks with depression, i think that Wade was probably like most folks who fight depression, in that he was able to hide his inside, from friends and family. It's not that our friends and family are a bunch of boobs who don't pay attention, we are just very, very good at hiding in broad daylight. No one really wants to admit to admit anything like depression, for reasons such as not wanting to worry friends and family, thinking that we can 'pull ourselves out of it', that 'it' will go away and my own favorite personal reason: we don't want friends and family closely watching us, waiting for us to 'nut up' right in front of them. And so, it is easier to just stay quiet and fight the fight alone. Most of us have fun, engaging personalities and never, in a million years, would you ever guess that depression was a part of us or our lives.

Yes, i am 'secretly' ~~not so secretly anymore, eh?~~ one of "them".

I have been, i think, for a long time. On and off....much better now, though. I think that depression and alcoholism run in my family; being as it is, no one talked about that stuff. Ever. Never. Perhaps it's that way in a lot of families. If you're a child who grows up around this kinda stuff, well, you don't really understand that it's not a good place to be. It kind of becomes your normal and therefore, not anything to really talk about. I just figured i was moody.

I know. I know.

I don't know what the answers are to stopping potential Wade's from doing something like Wade Belak did. I do know the heartache and sadness that comes with those actions to friends and family. Their lives are forever changed and they live their lives with holes in their hearts, missing the one who is gone. Add that to wondering what they could have done to stop someone from taking their lives, and the heartache seems endless to family members and friends. What "What Could I Have Done" questions can haunt a person, you know.

I've often heard that to commit suicide is a coward's way out and i totally disagree. I think that one truly, truly comes to believe that their loved one and friends are best without them around. Yes, twisted, but that's what i believe. To get up each and every day, and face the day when it takes every single thing you have, is really hard work and i don't think that is understood unless you've been there. You not only lose your faith, but you lose the one thing that you should never lose: hope in tomorrow.

Talk to your loved ones, love and hug on each other and be kind to others. Take time to make that phone call, don't just text. Send a card and let someone know how much they mean to you and that you love them. Take time for lunch with a friend. Go to church and invite someone to go with you. Invite folks over that you know are spending the holidays without family. Meet your neighbors and actually talk to them. Leave work early one day and take your child out for ice cream after school.

You never know when you'll be someone's life line....

The Recipe Collector

2011-08-31T20:06:00.004-06:00

For as long as i can remember, i've loved looking at cookbooks. I'm not sure why, but i am willing to bet that it came from spending time in the kitchen with my parents. My Mom was an amazing cook and my Dad did a lot of the baking and it seemed that i always gravitated to the kitchen either to watch or taste. Many, many hours were spent in the kitchen...my parent's cooking, bickering, tasting and me, sitting at the table, looking though cookbooks. Of course, the cookbooks with photos were my favorite....one day, i promised myself, one day, i'll bake things that look just as good.

I'm still trying on that, btw...

The holidays were signaled as beginning when i watched my father make Nut Rolls from a recipe that had been handed down from my Grandma in early November. He would make many Nut Rolls and give them as gifts to friends. Those Nut Rolls came to be known as "Grandma's Nut Rolls" even though the recipe was first found in a newspaper food section many years ago. My Grandma had played with the recipe a little, tweaking it here or there, to suit her taste. Pecans were put in place of the walnuts, a little sugar was added, a topping was created for them....each tweak she created just made those Nut Rolls even better. I looked forward to Thanksgiving because i knew that my Dad would start baking; i loved those Nut Rolls.

After my Grandma passed away, i was lucky enough to get a book of her's. In the book is some family info, birth dates, dates of deaths in our family, addresses of friends and family, newspaper clippings, and other odds and ends scribbled in her handwriting. I had to smile as i looked through all of the stuff in Grandma's book; for years, i've done the same thing. I had journals that i would write in, put clippings in, and just stuff i wanted to remember. Although i still have journals, my recipes are now kept in a large three-ring binder with sheet protectors and not in blank books like my grandma and i use to use. While i do love my big ol' binder of recipes, i find myself longing for those plain, black books that my Grandmas use to use.

As i flipped though Grandma's book, i found the 'original newspaper clipping' of the recipe for Grandma's Nut Roll. While i was thrilled about finding that newspaper clipping, what made me especially happy was her 'tweaked' recipe written in her handwriting with notes scribbled on the sides of the recipe. Written in her fancy handwriting was my favorite recipe, almost like a gift. I am most like my Grandma than anyone in our family; i was named after her and i was her first grandchild. I have her personality, her love of plants, trees and flowers, her rotten eyesight, her love of what is going on in the world, her poor eye sight and her love of baking. She and i always had a very strong connection with each other. To now have this recipe made me feel as if i was four years old again, standing on a chair in the kitchen with her, rolling out "my" dough as she was rolling out hers. I still remember watching her, trying to put my little hands on the rollers just like she had her's. Grandma would always let me "cook" with her...i was her "Annie". No one else in my family ever called me "Annie" but Grandma....i miss hearing her call me that name.

There is something about a recipe that is written in someone's handwriting. Especially if the handwriting is of someone you loved dearly growing up. It somehow brings you closer to them...i can't tell you how much i cherish that worn piece of paper in her handwriting. Now a days, i usually print the recipes i use from the computer because, well, it's easier, neater and quicker. I do think, however, that i'm going to hand write some of my favorite recipes that i've played with. Yes, i'm sure that i'll curse at myself for deciding to do this, but i'll remind myself why i'm doing this. I want to pass on those recipes that i use and the memories that go with them. Emma already loves to 'help' stirring and she will drag her little pink stool to where i am to help me. She's learning how to measure, pour and taste, although i will say i think that the tasting part is her favorite. How i wish that my Mom and my Grandma were in the kitchen with us....

...but you know, in my heart, i know that they both are, watching and smiling that i'm trying to teach Emma like they both taught me so many years ago. I hope that Emma will love to bake or cook and i hope that she will one day cherish handwritten recipes, too. In those handwritten recipes are the many, many memories that tie us to each other. No matter what went on, those special recipes brought us together.

This year, i'm going to try my hand at making Nut Rolls. Oh, i've helped many, many times, but i've never made them on my own. The making of the dough makes me a little nervous and the rolling of the Nut Roll makes me break out in a cold sweat. It's been a few years since i've had those amazing Grandma Nut Rolls so, it's up to me to try to make them.

Besides, i won't be alone in the kitchen, you know....Grandma will be watching over me and my little helper.

A new place to call home....

2011-08-26T08:10:00.004-06:00

....finally.

The past two years or so since we've moved, we have been looking for a 'family' church. It sounds like this task of finding a new church to call home should be an easy task, no?

It wasn't an easy task at all.

Robert and i were raised in very different religious homes as children. Robert was raised strict Baptist and i was raised Catholic; the two of those religions mix like oil and water, you know. While Robert had joined the Methodist church many years ago, i was still hanging on to my Catholic faith by a thread. The Methodist ideology is what drew Robert to that faith and i understood that but wasn't sure if i was a good fit with it. The important thing to me was that the two of us attend church; so, if it meant i would go to a Methodist church, so be it.

Que the dramatic music here...

I totally underestimated how i felt towards the religion i had grown up with...as much as i did not like many of the things of the Catholic church (i hated how women could not be 'called' to preach, i hated their ideology on birth control, hated their stance/how they acted when they went into other countries who were not Catholic, and hated the entire issues of abuse done by priest), i did love the ceremony and rituals of the church. I loved saying the rosary as a time with God. I loved how we honored Mary, Jesus' mother. I loved the Saints. I agreed with their stance on abortion. But the one thing that hurt me the most in my faith was how the Catholic Church viewed divorce.

I had previously been married and divorced. I was not married in the Catholic Church, but i felt that God would help me bring my first husband towards Him and the church. I continued to attend mass on my own often during my first marriage, but felt odd, as if i shouldn't be there. And then 12 years into that marriage, came the divorce i didn't want. The church, where i always went for comfort, didn't seem as welcoming to me after my divorce. I felt that i had committed a horrible sin, divorcing my first husband, when in truth, i had done everything i knew to do to save that marriage. It was not a healthy marriage and i knew that. There was physical abuse that i did my best to hide. There was infidelity on my first husband's part not once, or twice, but three times. My first husband had serious issues that i thought i could help him overcome. I prayed as hard as i knew how to pray, begging for God to help me save that marriage and my first husband.

God didn't help me save that marriage. Or my husband.

But He did help me save me. And He helped me understand that if someone wants to be saved, that someone must come to Him on their own; not being dragged by a spouse.

And i was grateful that He saved me. So very grateful...because i was angry at God a lot at that time. I was angry that i didn't feel at home at my church. I was angry that God didn't fix what "I" wanted him to fix and how i wanted Him to fix it. And i was angry because during that difficult first marriage, i didn't "feel" God present in my life. "Where was He?", i remember thinking to myself. Did He forget me? Was He angry at me? Why did it feel like He had deserted me when i truly needed Him the most?

Thankfully, God gives us what we "need" and not what we "want".

God was there with me during my first marriage. I see that now, looking back.

And, God gave me Robert.

And then, God gave us Emma.

It became apparent to me after becoming a wife and mother, that the church i wanted to attend and the church that would be a fit for my little family was different. Robert had no interest in attending a Catholic Church. My daughter was flourishing in a Baptist run Mother's Day Out program. I had to do what was best for them...so, the 'search' continued.

...and continued.

...and continued some more as i secretly hoped that i could "change" Robert's mind in what kind of church "we" both wanted to be members of and to call 'home'.

And then, a few weeks ago, we attended Matt's memorial service at Christ Church.

I had no idea where this Christ Church was. I was stunned to find out that i have driven by it many, many times and not noticed the church, hidden in the trees.

It was an amazing memorial service for Matt. It was a church that i felt instantly at ease in. I remember thinking, "I would like to hear more from this Father Dan".

Yeah. I know. It's "Pastor" Dan Scott, not "Father" Dan Scott.

Anyhoo...

We were invited back by Matt's parents.

At the first ~~mass~~ service, i noticed that there are bongo drums at Christ Church. And electric guitars. And a trumpet. And a sax. And a piano. And lots of other musical things that are not in a Catholic Church and that have never been seen in a Catholic Church. And there was no "holy water" to speak of to bless myself with...

But the choir at Christ Church?

It was the most wonderful, amazing, and unbelievable choir i have ever heard.

And i knew, i knew, that this church would be our home.

This church is a perfect fit for Robert and Emma. It is so important to me and Robert that we find a church that Emma can grow up in and be a part in. In fact, Emma will be attending pre-school at Christ Church starting in September. I see her growing up in this church and our family attending it for many, many years to come.

The other amazing thing?

It's a perfect fit for me, too...which is more than i had hoped for. I felt welcomed by the staff, the Pastor, the Preschool director and the other folks who attend. I didn't expect this church to work for me, to be a place where i could fit. But i am so thankful that it's worked out this way.

I'm beginning to think that somehow, someway, all churches/religions are 'related' in one way or another. I've always thought that all religions, at their base, started in the same place/same stream thought. I get a lot of flack for thinking this, but i still think this. Churches/Religion seem to have more in common than not, you know...

Maybe it would be a good thing if we all remembered that when dealing with each other.

Gratefully,

Saying Good-bye to Summer....

2011-08-23T13:55:00.005-06:00

How can it possibly be time for summer to come to a close and for school to start already? In a blink of an eye, summer has flown right past me. There just never seems to be enough time to go to the swimming pool as much as we'd like to, visit friends as much as we'd like to, or just enjoy the hot sun...

We've had a good summer, the three of us. It's been a busy summer, with lots of stuff going on and lots of things to keep up with. And it's been really, really hot, too. But being hot is a great excuse to do nothing but spend time at our neighborhood pool, make friends and play in Emma's Butterfly Garden.

And of course, decide about preschool....

....which is a totally different post as i don't think i'm ready for THAT post quite yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or the next day...

...or the day after that.

If one of us gets sick.....

2011-08-11T19:50:00.000-06:00

....it's a safe bet that all three of us will pass it around ~~with me catching the worst of it~~.

Emma woke up on Thursday feeling like yuck very, very (did i say VERY?) early. Off to the couch she and i went, with Pachi, the blue blankets, all of the dinos and pillows. Robert soon joined this little party, just to check in on his girls and help me medicate the tot.

Yep, Princess of Dino Land was sick and with fever.

And so, began a day of being in our pjs, parked on the couch; Princess of Dino Land, all of her Dinos, Pachi and ~~the servant~~ me.

Mid-morning, Emma asked for cracker and some tea. I, being the "Serf of Princess of Dino Land", jumped up to get the requested food and drink.

I was only gone from the upstairs family room long enough to get a tray, put crackers, cheese, a glass of tea ~~and a LARGE Diet Coke for me~~ before i went back to the family room. Really, and honestly, i was not gone long.

Too bad that it was long enough.

As i headed up the stairs, i noticed that Emma was no place to be found. Pachi, was also missing. And the liquid, yummy tasting Advil that i had left with a spoon and it's child-proof lid on the bottle of Advil, which was sitting on top of the stair ledge, was also gone.

I could feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. And then, full-fledged panic.

As i looked down, there were two big spots of grape-looking Advil stuff on the carpet.

Surely, Emma wouldn't touch....

Would she??

No....she wouldn't.

No way she could get the lid off. It was a child-proof lid.

IT WAS A CHILD-PROOF LID.

Yeah.

She did.

After screaming (i couldn't help it...honestly) her name out, i found her in her little bathroom, standing on her little flower stool, with the water on, rinsing the Advil bottle and spoon.

Trying to remain calm ~~because i was almost hysterical~~, i asked her:

"Emma, did you take any of that medicine?"

Emma replies, "Ooo, wyes. I hadda cooof, Mama!"

Dear God.

Being calm is not one of my strong points. I pretend that it is, and i even talk myself into thinking i am one of those calm, non-panic-like Mommies.

I'm not.

I grab her off of her stool, shut the water off and take her back into the family room. Stupid Toy Story is in the back ground....i now am beating myself up mentally.

"Damn it, Isabel, how in the hell did you leave that medicine on the ledge of the stairs?? WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?? How careless! How STUPID. OMG, OMG, OMG....PLEASE, GOD, DON'T LET HER HAVE TAKEN MUCH....I am so sorry, God. I am so sorry...I am a horrible, careless mother who has probably killed her child."

Yeah.

I get like that.

I calmly ask Emma, "Sweetie, how much did you take?"

Emma, who is kissing Pachi, "No, Mommy."

Me, to myself, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?

I grab my cell phone and call poison control, and pray for someone to answer who is use to dealing with first time careless, hysterical Mommies.

"Blah, Blah...Poison Control. Can i help....."

"YES,ITHINKMYFOURYEAROLDDAUGHTERTOOKAWHOLEBOTTOLEOFCHILDREN'SADVILBUTIAMNOTSUREITHINKSHEDIDBUTIDON'TKNOWFORSURE......"

"Can i get your nam....."

"ISABEL,ISABELJOHANNESMYDAUGHTER'SNAMEISEMMASHE'SFOURYEARSOLDHOWCOULDIHAVELEFTTHISBOTTLEONOUTITHASACHILDPROOFLID........"

"Ms. Johannes, please calm......"

"SHOULDIMAKEHERTHROWUPORSHOULDISHAKEHERORMAYBECALLTHEHOSPITAL....."

"Ms. Johannes, listen to me and please stop talking...." (This is where he is thinking to himself "I knew i shouldn't have answered this call!".

"BUTOKAY....."

"Is the bottle empty?"

"YESBUT...."

"Ms. Johannes, ask your daughter, in a CALM voice, if she drank out of the bottle."

"Emma, sweeeetttttiiiieeee, did you drink out of the bottle?"

Emma, who is playing with Pachi's toes replies "Oh, no, Mama...i'd dwink wiff da spooon."

"SHESAIDSHEDRANK......"

"Ms. Johannes, i heard her. Okay, now listen, the chance that she actually poured enough into the spoon to take is unlikely....."

"THERE ARE TWO HUGE SPOTS OF ADVIL ON THE CARPETANDSHEWASCLEANINGTHEBOTTLEOUTINTHESINK"

"....that your daughter took much. Did you say she was cleaning out the bottle in the sink, Ms. Johannes?"

"Yes...." (i'm calming down a little....)

"Please ask Emma how many spoons she took."

"Emmmmaaaaa, how many spoons of medicine did you take, sweeeetttttiiiieeee?"

Emma, ~~who is probably wondering how she ever scored me as a Mommy~~ "I wonly twook owone, Mama. It not state on da spoonnn!"

"SHESAIDSHEONLY......"

"Ms. Johannes, i heard Emma. Okay, Ms. Johannes, i think that your daughter is fine and didn't drink the entire bottle like you think she did. But, to be on the safe side, please call your peditrician, and CALMLY tell them what happened. If you would feel better, you can take her to the ER....."

"No, no....she seems fine....iamsosorry."

"It's okay, Ms. Johannes....just be sure to always put up medicine, alright?"

"sigh.....yes, yes. Thank you....."

"You're very welcome, Ms. Johannes....."

I suppose that someday, but not any day soon, i will look back on this and laugh.

Just not any day soon.

Yeesh....so, folks, be sure to NEVER, EVER, EVER leave out medicine, even if it has a child-proof lid.

Okay?

Love Gained, Lessons Learned

2011-08-08T10:57:00.000-06:00

A photo of the Bergman Military Wall that Matt was so proud to be on.

....another beautifully written post by my sweet husband, Robert from his blog IsOkToPrint about Matt's Memorial Service:

It would be easy for me to let a heavy heart fetter my spirit and my mind for the coming weeks. But after yesterday’s memorial service for Matthew Bergman at Christ Church here in Nashville, I came away after the ceremony not consumed by dread and sorrow, but with a deep sense of calm and quiet.

Perhaps it was the comforting words of Senior Pastor Dan Scott or the reverence of the Navy Honor Guard performing their moving tribute to a fallen comrade. The music certainly stirred the soul as did the video slide of Matt’s life, complete with a special song that was written by a family friend.

While I think all of this helped set the stage for us to begin the next chapter of our lives without Matt, I feel that what was really the calming of the seas was that we had each other huddled in the first three rows of the church. It was this small group of 20 people, those who knew and loved Matt the most, that allows this next phase, the healing portion of our loss, to begin. On this day, God put his arms around us and said “You travel not alone, but go with those who love you.”

To be sure, each will heal in a different time at a different pace. And some will find the progress is often met with great resistance or even a step or two backward for a short time. But we all know that when the road becomes difficult and those steps forward seem too hard to make, that the circle of love is just a moment or two away and that we each will be there to help in any way that we can.

Lesson Learned: Our trials and tribulations may seem a solo journey, but it need not be. We only have to open our hearts to God and our family, and to remember that we travel down life’s precarious road with them by our side.

Lives Lost, Lessons Learned

2011-08-03T10:24:00.000-06:00

A post about Matt and our past week, beautifully written by my husband, Robert on his blog ItsOkToPrint...

This past week has been one of the lowest points of my life.

I know that part of our humanity and part of our faith in God is that we must accept death as a part of life. We are taught and counseled that while we cannot fully understand the afterlife, it is not to be feared. It is to be a celebration. A homecoming.

Alas, it still remains a bittersweet one.

I have encountered three deaths in the past few days. One was a famous young person, one a child, and one a family member. I found it remarkable that they all passed away and yet their deaths are not the same, as each contained a different lesson learned.

Amy Winehouse, the English singer/songwriter, died at the age of 27 last week of a drug/alcohol related illness or overdose. While sad, it reminded me that sometimes death is equal parts tragic and pathetic. Lesson Learned: To allow drugs or anything to rule and then take over your life of your own free will is to say that life almost has no meaning, and the talents you have been blessed with by the Creator spit upon. It is by my measure a senseless and selfish waste.

A small girl, 6 year old Gabby, died in a car wreck last week. She was a child that was adopted at about the same time my daughter was. This death serves notice that a life incomplete can sometimes be crossed by cruel fate. Her grandfather lost control of the vehicle they were in: An accident, nothing more. We weep for her death as almost unfair. So much potential never realized. But we also know what great joy and love she gave to everyone around her, enriching the lives she touched. Lesson Learned: A vessel of God’s love if only here but for a short while. A gift. Cherish it each and every day.

Three days ago, fate once again interceded and took away someone close and dear. Matt was a part of my family, though not by birth. He was mysteriously lost at sea three days ago on the naval ship USS Boxer in the Gulf of Aden. He was there on his first tour of duty, a bright eyed and wonder struck petty officer trained in a very special field. He loved his work, he loved doing his part to defend this country, and he loved being a part of something very special.

While his death could be perceived as sharing the tragedy of Amy’s and the abruptness of Gabby’s, I feel he left us as he was meant to. Matt lived more in two years than many of us do our entire lives. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do, fulfilled and lustful for more, a seemingly endless thirst for more knowledge. How many of us can claim that in our professional, personal and spiritual lives?

What Matt leaves with me is not broken dreams or unfulfilled promises, but an example of grasping both what is in important in life and savoring each day. While Matt’s career was nothing short of the highest potential in a complex and shadowy world, He also fully enjoyed some of this life’s simplest things. Nothing made Matt happier than a great cigar, a deck of cards, and good friends. Well, flirting with the closest young lady might rate up there as well. But for all his complexity, he cherished simplicity.

He also never lost sight of his family and his faith. His love and commitment to each was unwavering and uncompromising. When Matt gave you a hug, you felt his heart. That he truly loved and gave love.

Some will remember his mischievous smile. Others will remember his wit and incredible intellect. Still others will remember his dedication to his country and fellow service mates. I will remember his warmth and his hug and his quickness to always say “I love you, Uncle Robert.” Even when his Uncle wasn’t at his best.

Matt is my hero. And in his death, while I feel that a part of my heart has been ripped unfairly away, I know that he is still there and will always be there. And still here watching over me. Smiling and laughing at all that life both gives us and throws at us. Lesson Learned: It is not age, income, social status or place in life that determines the measure of impact someone can have in our lives.

Rest in Peace, Matt Bergman. While your walk with us was far too short, you have left indelible footprints in the sands of our soul.

Matt's Memorial Service info....

2011-08-02T10:22:00.001-06:00

A service for Matt is planned at Christ Church in Nashville on Saturday, August 6 at 3:00pm to celebrate, remember and give thanks for Matt....

From The Home Post...

2011-08-01T10:16:00.000-06:00

Every man who serves in the military is someone’s son, every woman is someone’s daughter. Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) Second Class Matthew Bergman, the 21-year-old Sailor who went missing from the USS Boxer last week, was the son of Joe Bergman. As Home Post reported earlier this morning, the Navy announced it called off the search for Bergman on July 29, “when expectations of recovery no longer existed.”
So that we could get to know him better, Joe Bergman has been kind and generous enough to send Home Post The Military in San Diego this essay about his son Matt:

"Matt was a quirky child, extremely intelligent and extremely undisciplined. While in high school Matt jumped two grades in math while in the same year flunked art and band. I asked him, “How could you flunk art?” He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I guess I forgot to turn stuff in.”

Matt had a huge heart for others. I never saw Matt say a hateful thing to anyone. He was always looking for a way to help those around him. Matt would do anything you asked if you needed help.

Matt had a photographic memory and was very good at languages and math. His memory was unbelievable. Matt won the Davidson county spelling bee in grade school by memorizing the entire study book. He said it only took him a few hours of looking at the pages of all the possible words they would be given. Before the match he told me he would win because he knew all the words. When he was asked to spell a word he would twitch his eye and act like he was looking inside his brain then recall the spelling. The next year he again said he would win. He again won the school spelling bee then went onto the county. At the county contest it came down to him and another girl. They went back and forth several times. Then Matt missed a word. He was crushed. He came up to me and said it was not fair the word he was given was not in their study guide which contained hundreds and hundreds of words. I went and checked out of curiosity. The teacher said Matt was correct they had moved up a level.

Matt decided he wanted to take French in high school. He said Spanish would be too common and easy. He did very well. During his sophomore year he went to France on a class field trip. His teacher said he was the only student that could speak French to locals. She was amazed.

At the end of Matt’s junior year I told him he needed a plan as to what he wanted to do in his life. I told him I would be proud of whatever his choice was and would help him, he needed to only come up with a plan. After a few days Matt came to me and said he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to travel through Europe, work odd jobs, learn languages and about other cultures. I told him that was a vacation, not a plan! A few weeks later a friend told me if Matt loved languages the military had the best language school in the world, and it would also help Matt with his self-discipline issues. I went home and went to the Navy web site CTI (linguist) section. I asked Matt to take a look. Matt studied the site for about and hour, then came to me and said, “I know what I want to do with my life. I want to be a linguist in the Navy and learn Arabic. Can you take me to the recruiter now?” We talked more about it and took Matt later that week.

Matt now was focused like a laser beam. He was so excited. His life had purpose and direction. I was so proud of his choice.

Matt was so proud to serve his country. After boot camp he came to me and said he had now made Grandpa’s wall. At my grandfather’s house the “wall” had pictures of everyone who had been in the military. My uncles, brother, cousins, father and myself were on that wall. Now my son would be added to the wall.

The Navy had changed Matt and gave him the discipline he needed. Matt was at the top of his class. Matt sent me a fuzzy photo (of his report card) at the end of his class. He had a 4.0.

After DLI Matt told me he did not want to be stateside. He wanted to be on the front lines. He wanted to possibly one day assist the Special Forces on their missions as a linguist. Matt was so excited he was deploying overseas.

On July 27 at 4 p.m. my door bell rung. When I answered the door there were two Sailors who asked if I was Mr. Bergman, I said yes. They said, “Mr. Bergman, we regret to inform you that 11 hours ago your son Matthew Bergman was reported lost at sea in the Gulf of Aden. He was on the USS Boxer.” (I did not know where my son deployed.) They explained there was an extensive search for my son, however, they did not want to give me false hope. It was a long time to be out at sea. I felt the tears come to my eyes. I told them “I have no regrets. Matt was chasing his dream. I am proud of him for that.” They asked me if I was OK, (and) I explained, “My son Matt is either alive in the water with Jesus at this very moment or in heaven in His arms. I am OK.” July 29 I was informed the search for Matt was being called off.

Matt loved God family, friends, and his country. Matt chased his dreams and lived life to the fullest. I have no regrets he served and gave his life for his country. His name Matthew means “gift from God.” He was a gift to me, to others, and his country. Matthew Bergman is my son, I loved him in life and will miss him. I am proud and thankful for his service.

In closing I have this to say to Matt: You made Grandpa’s wall, and you are my hero. I will see you again in Heaven. God always knew where you were and was with you. You were never lost at sea."

~Joe Bergman, Matt's Dad

A sad update on Matt...

2011-07-30T10:06:00.002-06:00

An update from Joe, Matt's dad about Matt:

"I received word from the Navy today that they have called off the search. I want to thank you for your prayers. Matt was a wonderful son, kind and compassionate. Matt loved God, his family, friends, and country. No greater love does a man have than this, to lay down ones life for his friends. Matt, thank you for your service. I miss you, Son. See you in heaven."

One in a Million....

2011-07-29T09:49:00.000-06:00

....this was written by Don Bergman, Matt's uncle.

"Last night I was talking with my daughter Rachel about my nephew Matt. Matt was reported missing at sea while serving in the Navy yesterday. In the conversation we were remembering a recent visit when Matt was here with his family. We all went to the Pumpkin Festival together.

At the pumpkin festival we watched a game in which a giant slingshot was used to catapult miniature pumpkins to try to get them in a bushel basket that floated in the middle of the pond. There was a pretty girl supervising and taking money that bought three shots. We all watched as many people lofted the miniature pumpkins through the air and missed the target. It seemed impossible to have one land in the bushel basket.

Matt decided he wanted to win more than the fame and glory that would come with landing a pumpkin in the middle of the bushel basket. He wanted to win a kiss from the pretty girl. As he paid for the chance he asked the girl if he could have a kiss if he hit the target. She seemed flattered and smiled shyly. Matt stepped up to the slingshot that was mounted in the ground, did some quick mental calculations and let the pumpkin fly. His aim was true and the pumpkin landed squarely in the basket.

I remember Matt's huge smile as he turned to the girl for his prize. Her face instantly turned bright red.

Rachel commented, "That shot was one in a million. But you know that with Matt it seemed like everything was one in a million".

One in a million describes Matt perfectly. As a young boy of 5 or 6 he added up the prices of food in his head in the back seat of the minivan while his Dad ordered in the drive through at McDonald's. He could give you the square root of any 4 digit number to several decimal places after a short calculation in his head as a boy. He was a genius with a natural gifting in the area of language. He decided to join the US Navy and learned Farsi in their school while amazing the instructors by his ability to go through the class without having to study.

His heart was as big as his mind was sharp. He always had a big smile on his face and had an excitement for life. He loved adventure. He was so proud that he was serving his country in the Navy. My grandfather has a wall in his house with pictures of the men in our family that have served in the military. Matt was so proud and excited after he made it through boot camp because he could have his picture on Grandpa's Wall.

It seems that now that Matt has a one in a million shot as our Navy have been looking for him for more than 36 hrs. I am thankful that our fighting forces don't give up easily and don't leave a man on the battlefield. We can still hope and pray that Matt comes through this.

Matthew Bergman - I am proud of you. You are One in a Million and I will never forget you.

From Matt's Dad....

2011-07-28T09:45:00.000-06:00

This is an update that we received from Joe about Matt this morning:

"I spoke with Navy concerning Matt, They said they would search one more day. They are using several ships, and planes with inferred cameras and night vision. They said with this technology they would find him if he is still on the surface. They said at this point the odds are slim to none. I will keep everyone posted. Thank you for your prayers."

My heart is breaking for Joe, Holly and Nissi...

Matt....

2011-07-27T09:39:00.001-06:00

Please pray for Robert's nephew Matt and our family. Matt is only about 21 years old and is in the Navy; apparently he fell overboard while at sea in the Gulf of Aden on a mission. Matt has been missing for 11 hours. Please pray for him to be found.....

Just photos....

2011-07-21T00:48:00.021-06:00

...from my Sunday trip to Cheekwood with my camera. It was really way too dang hot to be out there, but i needed some time with my new toy. Not very happy with many of the photos i took; the bee one is my favorite.

So much to learn on this Canon 7D!

Gabby

2011-07-20T10:35:00.005-06:00

One of the amazing things that has happened to Robert and i since we've adopted Emma is the "community" that we've discovered. This community of sorts are families who also have adopted from Guatemala, along with others who live there as missionaries to help the Guatemalans children. It's interesting to me that this group is as close as it is. When something happens, good or bad, it's shared. If there is a need, it's shared. Photos are shared of our children, holiday wishes are shared and many of us have formed very, very close friendships. We send Christmas cards, read each other's blogs and often ask each other for advice.

It was on Guatemalan adoption site that i found (okay, stalked and emailed her till she answered me) Melissa. I swear, she's my long-lost missing sister! Funny, beautiful and sarcastic, she is my buddy. We went through our adoptions together of Ana (her daughter) and my Emma. We've laughed hysterically together, cried together and prayed for each other. Melissa and her husband had a very long road and difficult road with their adoption journey, that was heartbreaking at times. I hate that Melissa lives in Chicago and i live in Nashville, but maybe that's a good thing as we would planning things together daily and probably having one too many Mommy Play Dates! Although we don't speak daily, or often, i know that i can pick up the phone at any time and call her...

Yesterday, i read about Gabby Lewis. She is a seven year old child who was adopted into the Lewis family. She also has a brother, who also was adopted from Guatemala. Gabby, as you can see from her photo, is a beautiful little girl. I don't know the Lewis family, but they are part of the "community" i mentioned earlier.

Gabby and her brother were in a car with their grandparents when there was an accident. I don't know all of the details of the accident, and somehow, when i read that Gabby had a serious brain injury, it really didn't matter what the details of the car accident were. Little Gabby had swelling on the brain and was unresponsive. Her brother, Tucker, 5 yr old, is in the PICU but are "he will make it" and the grandmother had lost her arm and as of this afternoon was not yet awake. Emails and posts asking for prayers immediately went around and all of us prayed....late yesterday i read this post on a fb site for GuataMamas:

Prayers and Hugs for the Lewis Family...
Tonight, Guatemalan adoptive families mourn the loss of a beautiful little girl by the name of Gabby Lewis. She was only 8 years old and passed away due to injuries suffered in a horrible car accident....
Her 5 year old brother Tucker is in the PICU but "will make it"... and the grandmother has lost her arm and as of this afternoon was not yet awake..... Please keep the Lewis family in your prayers!!

I think that probably the greatest fear of any mother is to loose a child. In fact, i would probably venture to say that loosing someone you love is the greatest fear of many. We've all lost someone we love; yet it never gets easier. And loosing a child seems to be perhaps the hardest to understand and deal with. Although there is happiness that the person you love is in heaven with others who have passed on before them, and in the Lord's arms...it's hard to remember that when you only are in the mist of your physical, heart wrenching pain. Later, the thought that your child is with Jesus, i imagine, is a comfort...for you will see them again.

But gone are all the moments that you were so sure would come. Growing up moments, loving moments, growing moments, funny moments, and time to make precious memories...i think that i take for granted that i am going to have every one of these moments with my daughter and husband. I think that i have "forever" with them to create moments;
when in reality, no one knows when their "forever" will end and for what reason, if there is a reason. Many times, it seems that there are no reasons that we can understand.

Cherish.

Cherishing moments.

Cherish every single one of them. Let little things be. Hug more. Laugh more. Forgive more. Extend grace more. Spend time with those you love more, without the distraction of a TV, computer, or your phone. Be quick to giggle and not-so-quick to anger. Go barefoot with your family outside. Catch bugs together. Have a water-balloon fight. Tuck each other in with a goodnight story and prayer. Cook dinner together. Take care of others together, as a family. Attend church together and pray together.

And be sure to love with ALL of your heart.

It's the only way to love, you know....

Gabby, i know that you are among the angels today, playing with Jesus and watching over us. Although our hearts are so very heavy for your Mommy, we know that you are where you should be: in the arms of our Lord. We will all see you when it is time, but till then, know that you'll be in our thoughts.

More things to remember.....

2011-07-18T06:10:00.003-06:00

.....about Emma.

~The child loves animals. Bugs, flies, butterflies, hummingbirds, birds, bees, elephants, alpacas....you name it, and if it's a animal, Emma loves it! No Barbie dolls here....just lots of dinos, farm animals, jungle animals and savannah animals! She is also amazing at animal sounds. A trip to the pet store (especially a reptile pet store with a ton of fish and huge spiders) is a big treat for her and a joy to watch.

~Emma does her best to dress herself. The outfits that she chooses, well, are funny. On Saturday, she picked out her pink winter tights, white sandals, a t-shirt with "Girls Rule" in pink with flowers and a pink bow for her hair. On Sunday, it was the pink winter tights again, a Halloween orange and black kitty shirt, her white sandals again and her cowboy hat. I truly need to take photos of some of her outfits, but really, i'm trying to not giggle in front of her as she's so excited that she picked out clothes "all by herself" that i don't want to ruin the moment for her by laughing hysterically.

~Fruit, fruit, fruit, wheat crackers, wheat crackers, wheat crackers, cheese, cheese, and more cheese. If i would let her, she would eat fruit (especially strawberries!) till she exploded. Bananas are another favorite. Oh, and i almost forgot, grilled cheese sandwiches. She's also a great milk drinker and loves to drink green tea for some reason. Emma will try just about everything you offer her, but it has to pass her "smell test" first. Pizza is also a huge favorite...

~We know our letters, numbers and a gazillion Spanish words. We are working on Spanish numbers and phrases now along with writing. Pre-K is suppose to start in August sometime but we are not sure if Emma has been "accepted" into our county's pre-k program. Silly me thought that every child had the chance to attend pre-k. If she's not accepted or put on the waiting list, Robert and i have some decisions to make. Nothing like waiting till the last moment on something so important, eh?

~Singing and prayers: Emma loves to sing and twirl. Her night time prayers are sweet and she never forgets. She loves her room, but will come sleep with us occasionally. I know, i know, be careful with co-sleeping....but you know, this child of mine won't be four forever and if she wants to come cuddle with us, i'm tickled pink. She and Pachi always end up in her room, giggling and laughing together (as much as a pink, stuffed elephant can!)

~On July 10th, it was four years that Emma was placed in our arms. I'm really at a kinda loss on how to "celebrate" this day. I don't like the "gotcha' day" thing, and "family day" bothers me a little. I always think of Emma's birth mom, who i am willing to bet isn't having a happy day on that day. It's been four amazing years for Robert and i....and i pray for S daily. I hope that she knows that Emma is growing into a smart, funny, giggly, beautiful little girl. Emma has S's beautiful dark hair and her beautiful, dark, dark brown eyes. Maybe one day...

....yes, one day.

I'm a helicopter.

2011-07-15T08:10:00.005-06:00

Photo of Emma by Dena SanMiguel Photography

Yep.

I'm a "Helicopter Mom".

I try not to be. In fact, i tell myself all the time that i'm not a helicopter mom. I tell myself that ~~big 'ol load of bs~~ daily. I do encourage Emma to strike out on her own, to not be fearful/scared of the world, to try new things, that she can "do it allll by herself", and to introduce herself to new little friends...

...but i leave out the part that she should only do this when i'm there to 'protect' her.

Because, well, you know, this would be like admitting that i obviously have issues.

Which i do, but i don't need her to know that just yet....she'll figure it out on her own much later. I don't need her to know that i have issues till she's much older. Like in her 40s.

Back to the "helicopter" thing...

For some reason, i have this fear that i won't be there to 'protect' my daughter when she'll need it the most. I won't be able to put on my "Super-Mommy-Cape-with Matching Kick-Butt Boots" and save her from some danger that she doesn't see. Dangers like, cookies too big that she may choke on, or a loose rail on the edge of a cliff that she may fall off of.

My amazing, insane imagination is only second to my stunning, mental issues, folks...

Since Emma came home with us, these ~~obsessions~~ thoughts have been with me. My husband, who has graciously pointed out this many, many, MANY, times, is the one who pushed Emma's envelope to be daring. Robert is truly a great father (even if he is right about my 'issues') and has done a fantastic job of encouraging Emma to take the next (and the next, and the NEXT) step in new things that she tries. And yeah, i'm the Mommy in the corner, eyes squeeze shut, praying the Rosary as this goes on...

Where does this fear of mine come from? Is danger really always just around the corner, lurking? Have i watched one too many horror movies? Do i have a twisted imagination? If i don't stop thinking this way, i am worried that it will eventually trickle down to Emma, which is the very last thing i want. I remember always being fearful as a little child; scared of the dark, scared of bugs, scared of people i don't know. As an adult, i'm not so much scared of any of those things, except, of course, for the stupid bugs.

A few days ago, i read something that made my blood go cold.

A little boy, eight years old, in Brooklyn, NY, had finally convinced his parents to let him meet them half way home, walking from his summer day camp. Little Leiby Kletzky, has practiced this route before with his mom so he seems to be a little familiar with his route. But on this day, the day his parents agree to let him meet them half way home, he never meets them as he gets lost. Little Leiby asks a gentleman on the street for help....the little boy is never seen alive again. The little boy is suffocated, mutilated (butchered into pieces) by this man he asks for help from.

I know, i know....how often does this happen? And what are the chances of this happening? I don't know the answers to either of those questions, but i think that this is the stuff that makes me fear the most. This stuff DOES happen, though...and that terrifies me.

Fear shouldn't rule a life. Fear of the unknown should never stop me from encouraging Emma to be in our front yard to pick flowers, or to play in the back yard in her bathing suit with the sprinkler while i do dishes. But i don't encourage her to do either one of these things alone, even though i would be able to check on her and even see her from our home. If she goes outside, i go with her. If Emma wants to go to our Butterfly Garden to pick flowers, i go with her. Emma is four (she'll be five in February) and is quite capable of doing both of these things by herself. But i don't let her...

I remember my summers when i was growing up, how i would wake up early, eat breakfast, and grab my bike and not come home till lunch. And then i would be off again, on my bike, till dinner. After dinner, i would be out again till the street lights came on. I don't remember my Mom shouting out warnings, other than "Watch out for cars!" and "Make sure you are going where you tell me you're going!". I was with my friends, and thus, a lot less un-fearful because i was on an adventure. Why is it i can't imagine me letting Emma take off like that, on her bike on an adventure without a GPS tracking device attached to her? That's a part of growing up that i cherish the most, riding my bike with my friends to the library (which wasn't close, btw), or riding my bike to the pool to be with my friends. Granted, i was older than four, more closer to little Leiby's age, but i still can't see me letting Emma ride off like i use to do.

It seems that i have two choices as Emma grows: teach her the best i can to be smart and fearless (okay, a little fear is good....) or i can keep her locked in the house, with no chance of adventures. The first choice IS the best choice, but boy, do i have a lot of work to do on me.

The second choice?

Would squash the free spirit that this child is and make her fearful (not to mention make our home a battleground for years to come) of the world. And i don't want that.

So, i have work to do on me....

I wonder if Valium comes in a multi-pack?

By the way, please, please pray for little Leiby Kletzky's family, especially his parents. The horror of their son's death is unimaginable. Please pray for comfort for their tears, sadness, anger and that God holds them all in His arms. Thank you for doing that...

My poor baby...

2011-07-11T14:48:00.000-06:00

One of my greatest joys is my Fukien Tea. It's a beautiful bonsai tree that i've had now for about 7 years. It was a gift from my husband before we were married, celebrating an 'anniversary' of sorts for us. He and i "oooo'ed" and "ahhhh'ed" over the tree as we took it out of it's box where it was carefully packed. The tree was full of deep green leaves and little, tiny white flowers. I was so excited, i could barely stand it....i've always been fascinated by bonsai and now i finally, finally had a real bonsai tree!

That next few weeks, my new little tree promptly lost just about all of it's leaves. I was in a panic! How in the world could i have killed a tree, especially a tree that i have lusted over, so quickly?!?! After speaking to someone who is a long time bonsai lover, the shock of transport and had probably gotten the best of my little tree. My tree soon started growing new little leaves and, thankfully, my new little friend would recover.

And recover it did! I would pick old blooms off of my little tree, spritzing it with water (these trees love that!) daily, count the blooms, making sure that it got all of the sun it needed, talking to it and making sure i did everything right. My new little friend started growing into a bushy, bushy, happy plant with amazing, beautiful blooms.

I was a proud bonsai tree mama!

I even was able to show it at a Nashville Bonsai Club Show! I was so giddy!! My little tree next to all of those amazing trees! My little tree didn't place or win, but just the fact that it was actually IN this show was enough for me. Dave Brogan, a well known bonsai expert with many beautiful trees, was judging and he spoke to me about MY tree, telling me what he liked and what he thought i should do to train it. I floated out of the show with my little tree. It may not have won anything, but i was thrilled.

Of all the trees that encompass bonsai, this particular tree is by far, my favorite. Bonsai trees, especially the older ones, can be very, very, VERY expensive. A tree can be an investment if you are interested in an older tree. My little tree was only in it's mid-to late twenties, though. And besides, this tree, this tree was my favorite tree. Yes, the maples are beautiful trees, as are the elms and the junipers, but the Fukien Tea, to me, is the most beautiful. I love the tiny, white flowers that bloom on this tree, i love it's green, shiny leaves, i love the texture of it's bark. This beautiful tree, though, requires care. Cleaning up fallen leaves is important. Having a tray under the tree with rocks works as a humidifier that is also important. Making sure that you have the correct soil mix and fertilizer is important. But, watering, watering is SO very important to this tree's health...

Vacations have always proved to be a problem. You just can't leave a bonsai tree to fend for it's self while you're gone for a week or more. You just can't take your tree (many folks who love bonsai have more than one tree, often several) on to your vacation, especially if you're flying. Many folks don't understand the care that some of these trees need. Tales of people not taking vacations due to their trees, watering systems failing, or asking someone to water for them and their trees dying are common themes that you hear when talking to others who love bonsai. I was so very lucky that a next door neighbor where we use to live took such great care of my tree while we would take trips or vacations....

....but, my luck has ran out.

A few weeks ago, we went on a longer vacation than usual and i hired a neighborhood boy to water my plants. He had watered for me before and did a really great job, but for a much shorter time, so i wasn't really worried about my tree.

I should have worried.

I really should have worried.

All of my other plants did very well, including the ones outside that i had just recently planted. Even my orchid did beautifully and had more blooms on growing. Yes, i have a LOT of plants......i'm a tree/plant/flower hugger kinda gal, i'm afraid.

Robert was the first to notice my tree when we came home. I tried not to cry when i saw my tree as my sweet husband tried his best to convince me that my tree wasn't dead, but i knew better. Robert lost a very old bonsai quite a few years ago due to a watering system that failed, and i knew from talking to him and others that once a tree is stressed by non-watering enough, well, you can't change what will happen, no matter how much you try.

My tree, my beautiful tree, is dying, bit by bit.

I can't even bear to take a photo of my tree in the shape it's in now.

I tried to clean him up, get rid of the leaves that had already fallen and water him the best i could. I've been extra attentive since we've been home, but i can see what the outcome will be for my little tree. I'm sad as this tree, this beautiful little tree has been such a joy the past 7, almost 8 years. It hurts to see my beautiful little tree die...

I'm sure that i'll get another tree eventually. And i'm sure that it will be a Fukien Tea. But this time, i'll be sure to hire a professional plant care person to water and baby my tree and plants.

Otherwise, by golly, i'll be the weird lady on the plane, holding her bonsai tree in her lap, going on vacation with her bonsai tree....

Not slowing down....

2011-07-06T21:11:00.003-06:00

....for even one photo. This child of mine runs, sings, plays, giggles, screams, takes her clothes off, farts and giggles some more....yet never seems to slow down long enough for me to get photos of her where i can at least not chop her head off in the pic.

I'll have to try harder....(smile)

ahhh.....

2011-06-25T09:20:00.001-06:00

....we so love the beach.

Stuff we're doing....

2011-06-21T08:54:00.001-06:00

Shopping....or window shopping/wishing.

Drawing....we love to color and draw!

Hand art....idea from Amanda's Crafts.

.....while on vacation, other than staying at the pool and sleeping late. Robert has insisted that this be an "unplugged" vacation ~~he's lost his mind because we are going to be gone for over 15 days and i can't possibly last THAT long without my phone or computer~~ so we'll be trying that out. But it has been nice not being on the phone or hearing Robert's phone ring so much...

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-20T09:11:00.002-06:00

The gift Emma and i picked out for Robert...

Dear Pooka,

Another Father's Day for you! This is your 3rd Father's Day as Emma's Dada and i know that you realize how much this child cherishes you. Both of us do, you know. You are the color to our world. You make us giggle, you chase us, you love us, and you take care of both of us. You are one of the things that Emma and i are most thankful for, besides ice cream, which explains your gift. :)

The plan for today was to let you sleep in, but it seems that Emma has other plans for you which include waking up very early. You know, because you make the best pancakes. And because it's Father's Day and we want to love on you as much as we can....

Love you so very much,

A Family Vacation.....

2011-06-19T08:17:00.000-06:00

....is something that my sister and i have talked about extensively since my mother passed away. We wanted to have, at the very least, a week together. I wanted "our spot" to be the beach and so the planning kinda started.

My sweet husband, picked up this chatter of talk between Claudine and i and ran with it to make it a reality.

And so, here we are. All of us. My family. My sister's family.

A wish come true.

Emma, i must say, is beyond having a wonderful, laughter-filled time with her cousins.

My husband, is doing a wonderful job of tolerating my sister and i, as we get goofy when we are together.

The only thing that Claudine and i both wish for?

For our Mama to be here, too....but in an odd way, she is. She is here in how we laugh together, how we poke at each other, how we cook together, and how we enjoy and love on each other.

I'm grateful....and very thankful for a husband who put this 'family vacation' together for us, knowing just how much it meant to me. He does stuff like this, and other 'man' stuff to show his love. You know, stuff like filling my gas tank every Sunday so i won't have to do it, making sure that i get my oil changed, and bringing home Cherry, Cherry Garcia for us to share occasionally. He puts up with many of my crazy ideas, doesn't laugh when i cook something that even he can't tell what it is, smiles at me when i come home with a $4 'treasure' (that really IS trash) from a garage sale to re-paint and best of all, loves me.

My sweet husband is a keeper...and Emma and i are blessed beyond measure that the three of us are a family. Robert is our glue and makes our lives the sweet life that it is...he brings color to me where there was none.

And of course, he does make the best pancakes ever....

The Most Amazing Place.....

2011-06-18T08:14:00.000-06:00

....to have a family vacation. My pics from my camera do not do this amazing place justice. The Sanctuary at Redfish is stunningly beautiful. Well kept grounds, clean, pretty and close to shopping ~~which you know was important to me! HA!~~. The rental is large enough for all seven (two master bedrooms, a room that can sleep four) of us and the pool was literally feet away from our door. The owners are fantastic; they checked on us to make sure that we were fine and that we had everything we needed. What a nice touch...

The coolest part to me is getting to the beach. After a very short walk to the dock of the lake, "Captain Bob" is there with his little pontoon boat to take you across the lake to the beach. There are also little paddle boats if you want to go on your own. Truly cool and lots of fun! Captain Bob is awesome and so very nice to the kids. Viktoria, John, Michael and Emma love him. Really, i wish i could have his job! Even putting out umbrellas and chairs looked like fun...

"Sanctuary at Redfish is truly a magnificent gem on the Emerald Coast. Here you will find the luxury and serenity of one of the best resorts in Florida. This sixty-four unit condominium resort is located on approximately fourteen acres on the east side of Big Redfish Lake in the Blue Mountain Beach area of South Walton County, Florida. The property slopes down to the coastal dune lake providing breathtaking lake and gulf views. Of the total approximately fourteen acres, Sanctuary at Redfish will only impact approximately six acres of the total property. The intention of the developers of Sanctuary at Redfish is to preserve as much of the natural vegetation as possible to create an environment of serenity and privacy unmatched along the coast. The property is just east of the intersection of Highway 83 and Scenic County Highway 30-A. The property is bordered on the west and south by Big Redfish Lake that empties out into the Gulf of Mexico and on the north by Scenic County Highway 30-A. There are sixty-four beautiful condominium homes."

While Robert is missing being closer to the beach, the rest of us, well, we are happy as clams!

And we're......

2011-06-16T08:42:00.000-06:00

Emma buckles herself in with Pachi....

....but now realizes she and Pachi are in the WRONG vehicle!

Pachi ready to roll with Emma's snack bag!

.....finally off on our vacation to Flordia! All of us, even Pachi, are so very excited to start our trip. Lets hope that this excitement last the entire car ride down and that there are no melt downs from ~~Mommy~~ anyone till we get to where we're goin'!

We're headed to the beach,
The beach, the beach.....
We're headed to the beach,
The beach, the beach.....
Wanna come along, along, along?

An update on JOY

2011-06-08T14:43:00.003-06:00

This year, i decided to pick the word "JOY" to define my year. It would be the one word that would set the tone for the start of the year. I'm still not sure why the word "JOY" kept nugging me, but it did, so i decided to go with it.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? Really, how hard can focusing on "JOY" be?

A lot harder than i ever thought, it seems.

Some parts of this year, well, have been easy to find "JOY" in. My daughter, my husband and simple things like, finding the joyful moments in daily life. Whether feeding the birds with my daughter, coloring and drawing with her to waiting up for my husband to share dinner, i've done a good job at finding "JOY".

In the other parts of my life, well, "JOY" seems to be, at the very least, hard to find. I've struggled a lot this year with my faith and the questions that seem to be never ending or have no answers. The words "faith" and "answers" sometimes don't go together too well, i'm finding out ~~much to my dismay, which leads to anger!~~. I think that i ~~deserve~~ need answers to everything that happens.

EVERYTHING should have answers, no?

Apparently, the answer that to that question is "NO" and that i don't "deserve" answers to everything that happens. I don't understand why in the world God and i are not on the same page on this as it's not like i've repeatedly asked for answers in everything that happens. I have a feeling He's up there, chuckling at me as i 'ask nicely' for Him to please give me all of the answers that i want. He probably calls the angels over so they can all have a good chuckle.

Many of you know that i lost my Mom to cancer in 2007. Helplessness, anger, sadness, questions and even more anger still linger. I hate being this honest, but this feelings still linger. The "whys" of it, why her, why not someone else, why not later, why not fix it, why pray more are haunting some days. I just don't understand why a woman, a mother, a grandmother died of cancer. I don't understand why MY Mama died of cancer.

Fast forward to a college friend, Danielle. Cancer. She passes away after fighting for 2 years of breast cancer. Danielle never gets married, never has children, never gets to find her dream job....all of the things that she wants so desperately to do.

A long ago friend from work, Amy, finds out that her Dad has cancer. Thankfully, he is still fighting and seems to be doing well at the moment. My "JOY" is full of joy at this news!

Fast forward to sweet Ms. Jo. Again, cancer. How i've grown to hate this word. By this time, i know more about cancer and more about what works in how to take care of someone with cancer than i ever wanted to know. I've read all kinds of articles, different kinds of research, anything i can find. Ms. Jo has Ovarian Cancer and passes away after a little over a two year battle. A much loved wife, mother, Nana and friend is gone.

A few months after Ms. Jo passes away, a sweet friend at MOPS, Leslee, looses her much, much loved Mama to a short battle with cancer. Gone is her beloved mama, gone is a beloved wife, gone is a beloved grandma, gone is a beloved friend. Leslee's mama touched so many lives during her life....

And now, a favorite mentor at MOPS has shared with us recently that her pregnant daughter-in-law, Sally, has breast cancer. Ms. Gail asks for prayers. We pray...and pray hard. She is just like "us"; mothers. Sally has treatment while pregnant (none that will hurt the baby) and a little while after that, her son, Drew, is born. We rejoice....and are thrilled. Sally and her husband take their son home and they are loved on by family and friends.

Unexplained headaches show up for Sally...and they are bad headaches.

The cancer has spread.

She now has brain cancer and is undergoing more treatment.

I am heartbroken.

Why? Why? Why?

This stuff, this cancer stuff, has completely destroyed "JOY" in this part of my life. This stuff, this year, has taken me to the darkest of places. The dark places are sad, angry places, filled with feelings hopelessness and grief. The dark place is like a blanket that covers me. The dark follows me every where i go, never leaving, always there on the fringe of my life, constantly reminding me that i don't have answers, i don't know why, reminding me that life, even in it's best times, can be a scary place full of unknowns. The dark place wants me to hide and stay hidden because i realize that....

....other than pray and love on people, there is nothing that i can do about it.

Nothing. "JOY" is smashed into a million little pieces.

As my husband gently reminds me "It's life and it is what it is."

I don't like that answer because i want to do big things. I want to be able to wipe away cancer, to pray it away. I just don't want to send cards, pray constantly, make phone calls to see what i can do, bring dinners, or bake things. I want to do something that requires a SuperCancerKiller outfit: a cape, some tights with a great pair of boots, and the ability to fly and smash things.

I want to do BIG THINGS.

I want to get rid of the cancer. I want to smash it to pieces.

With my cool SuperCancerKiller boots.

None of these folks had habits that would warrant having cancer. All, went to doctors for check ups. All took pretty good care of themselves. All of these women (and one man!) are special women/men in the lives of others. They serve others, are active in their community and church families, are much loved, are much respected, have families that love them desperately.

I hate cancer.

I. HATE. CANCER.

With a passion.

I also want God to step in.

If He's not going to get rid of the cancer, than maybe, maybe explain "why". I don't even need an entire answer; maybe just a few hints as to "why". Or just ONE hint to "why".

And so, i continue to do the things that aren't "big" things. I pray desperate prayers. I send cards. I call. I bake. I am without my SuperCancerKiller outfit and i try to bring "JOY" to others as my heart fights to get out of my dark place.

I want this part of my "JOY" back...

Banana Nut Bread

2011-06-01T14:26:00.004-06:00

Really, i am too much. Or i really am turning into my mother with all of this cooking and baking stuff. First the jam, now the Banana Bread....but i so love this recipe. It's one of my Mama's recipe but i have no idea where she got it from. It may be from a old church cookbook or a Lion's Club Cookbook; she loved getting and trying recipes from these kinda cookbooks. I'm grateful that i managed to get as many recipes from her as i could find. I love seeing her handwriting on a recipe where she changed, added or subtracted something to make it 'better'. I keep all of my recipes in clear sheet protectors, filed in a large black three-ringed binder ~~like a recipe nerd would do~~ so i can keep track of them. Yeah, my Mama did the very same thing....not only do i come from a batch of Mother Earth types, i also apparently come from a long list of control freaks who must have everything in perfect order.

Since i had bananas that were spotting, I decided to bake Banana Bread this morning from my favorite recipe. Of course, i had to add certain things, like, chocolate and pecans ~~because it's so very healthy to add chocolate and pecans to everything and anything that i bake if i can get away with it~~. Honestly, though, it's just not "my" Banana Bread if it doesn't have chocolate and pecans. A piece of this bread with a large glass of milk, and i almost feel like i'm sitting in my Mama's kitchen again....

It's it amazing how a scent, a baked bread, or a song on the radio can transport you back? Just hearing a certain song can transport me back into a red Darango with the windows down, singing to a long-ago much loved, boyfriend, who i was certain would always be around. The scents of fresh bread, or Spanish cooking take me back to my Mama, watching, talking and giggling with her after a long school day; soft country music playing in the background. I guess that's nature's way of keeping treasured memories with us long after the time has moved on....

Back to the Banana Bread and it's recipe...

Banana Bread
3 or 4 ripe bananas smashed (use four...trust me on this)
1 cup melted BUTTER (please use butter...)
1 cup sugar
1 egg beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla (or a touch more...)
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

~Preheat oven to 350 degrees
~With wooden spoon, mix butter into mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in sugar, egg and vanilla.
~Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add flour last, mix til just mixed.
~Add in the chopped pecans (i just eye-ball the pecans amount) and chocolate (i use Baker's Semi-Sweet Chocolate and chop 2 squares up). Mix till just mixed and pour mixture into a buttered (i use PAM) 4x8 loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Cool on rack.

Just a note about the butter: i used Publix store brand and skip the 'pinch of salt'.

I think that i will have Banana Bread with a large glass of milk for dinner, because, you know, it's just so healthy with all the bananas in it.

The Jam Woman

2011-05-30T10:31:00.005-06:00

....apparently, it is in my ~~jeans~~ genes to be a "Mother Earth" type. I have fought against this for a very long time; i came from a long line of "Mother Earth" types, such as my Great Grandma, my Grandma, my Aunt Miguela, and my Mama. I didn't want to be the type of woman who grew trees from seeds for fruit. I didn't want to be the type of woman who could take a curtain and make a summer shirt out of it by sewing. I didn't want to grow tomatoes or cucumbers. I didn't want to be the type of woman who went and picked their own pecans and shelled them instead of paying for them. I didn't want to be the type of woman who picked fruit and made jam....

I wanted to be a "working girl".

Yeah. Been there, done that. Not so much fun.

But i did have a lot of nice ~~working girl~~ clothes and amazing heels....

("working girl" clothes didn't somehow sound right, LOL....)

I really had no idea, none at all that i would morph into a Mother Earth type. I made fun of the women in my life for being Mother Earth types. I teased, giggled and laughed at them unmercifully. The chances of me being Mother Earth were about the same as me getting re-married and having a daughter. I was sure of it!

Oh.

Wait a second.

That's right.

I did get re-married and have a daughter.

hehee.....(blush)

I forget things sometimes.

Anyhoo, i made Strawberry Jam yesterday and Strawberry Creame Cheese for bagels.

It was awesome.

It was amazing.

It was FUN.

And it turned out so yummy.

The next thing that will probably happen is that i'll be planting fruit trees in the back yard.

Oh, wait....i'm planning on doing that, aren't i?

sigh.....

Easy Jam Recipe from The Loveless Cafe

~5 cups of Strawberries, cleaned, hulled and cut in half.
~1 cup of sugar (i think that you could use less...)

Directions: Place cleaned, hulled and cut Strawberries into a pot that you'll cook them in. Pour sugar all over strawberries and stir to get all strawberries covered. Let the strawberries and sugar sit for 2 hours so the strawberries will release their juices. After sitting for two hours in their sugar-bath, heat on stove, stirring occasionally for 45 minutes or till your jam is the consistency you like. Put in jar with a lid with a good seal; a Mason Jar and lid is perfect. If you'd like to make the Strawberry Creame Cheese, just add 8 oz of cream cheese to your jam after it's cooled. Store in refrigerator or give as gifts.

Again.

2011-05-18T05:19:00.000-06:00

A few short weeks ago, i received a call from a friend about Leslee, a woman in our MOPS group that i have admired a great deal. Leslee has four small children and is the wife of a minister. She is a gentle soul, Leslee is, with a heart that is giving and full of love for her family.

The phone call from Leslee's best friend, Jennifer, literally took my breath away as i learned that her mother had cancer and was not given much time.

"Much time" as in weeks or days.

I wanted to help. I wanted to do something, anything.

What i really wanted was to make my sweet friend's mother better.

Better, you know, as in cured.

You can imagine all of the emotions that i felt and how i felt like, at that very moment, yelling at God and then begging him to stop what was going on with Leslee's sweet Mama.

Last night, i received this email from Jennifer:

Our sweet, precious sister in Christ went home to be with our Lord this evening, about an hour ago. She fought really hard, especially these last few days. I know most of you did not have the privilege of knowing her, but I did for the past 20 years. What a kind, caring, funny, loving servant she always was. She was a wife of 44 years to Larry, mother to three grown children (Sean, Leslee, and Wes) and a grandmother of eight (Emily, Christopher, Carly, Samara, Grace, Josiah, Hannah and Lindsay). She has always been like a mother to me and I will truly miss her.

I can say from the bottom of my heart thank you to each one if you who have reached out to Leslee and her family during this difficult time. Whether it was food, money, prayers, a kind word or email, it will never be forgotten.

There will be two services for her mother, one in Lafayette, Georgia and one here in Hendersonville. As soon as I have details about that, I will let you know as you may want to support Leslee.

Thank you again!!

Jennifer

I guess that God did stop what was happening to Leslee's Mama.

But not in the way i wanted Him to stop it.

It works like that sometimes, doesn't it?

But i hate this. I hate that cancer has taken away Leslee's Mama. I know, i know, Leslee's Mama is in heaven, she's not sick anymore, and she's with God. I know.

Really, i do know this.

I know that her 'work' on earth as God's servant is complete and she's where God wants her to be.

But what about the rest of us?

Okay, mainly me at this moment....

I want her here.

I want Leslee's Mama here on earth with her family.

~~I sound amazingly like a four year old, don't i?~~

This family has lost a beloved mother, a wonderful wife, and a loving grandma. Friends who count on Leslee's Mama have lost an amazing friend. The church that Leslee's Mama attends has lost an amazing woman who loved God with all her heart.

I want to be encouraging to Leslee, but my heart, well, screams of things that are not so encouraging, like:

~The pain of loosing your mother does NOT go away. You just learn to deal with it a little better.

~You will ALWAYS wonder: "What would my Mama think/do/say about this?"

~Holiday, birthdays, and seasons are never the same. They are forever different, as is your life without her....because no one can take her place.

~You're going to get angry about loosing your Mama. Really, really angry. I got scary angry. And sometimes, i'm still angry. (I'm sure that may not be true for everyone, but.....well, anger happens to many who loose loved ones.)

~You won't believe that you can miss someone like you miss your Mama.

~You wish for one more, just one more, hug from her.

These aren't the things to say to someone that has just lost their Mama and i know this. None of these things should be said.

I try very hard to understand "God's will" and "God's plan". I don't understand. And maybe, i'm not suppose to understand or figure it out. I guess that i'll just have to work on thinking about that for a bit more as i struggle with that.

I am grateful, though, that Leslee had such an amazing mother. It has, i'm sure, shaped Leslee into the woman that i admire so much today. Leslee will pass on the goodness, love of the Lord, and all the gifts that her mother gave to her to HER children.

And so the legacy of Leslee's Mama will live on...

...as God has planned.

So much.....

2011-05-13T11:25:00.002-06:00

....to go back and catch up on. I've taken a bit of a break from blogging to let certain things and recent events sink in, so i have lots to blog about and photos to put up and things to finish up.

Life, it seems, neither slows down or stops when things happen that you need to think about. The urge to stay in bed and pull the covers up to my chin has been a strong urge lately, but being the mother of a four year old doesn't lend well to that urge. And that may be a very good thing, otherwise, i'm sure that's where i would be.

Thank goodness for post-dating your thoughts, eh?

Back later...

One of those days....

2011-04-15T09:20:00.000-06:00

....where one wants to crawl under the covers and stay there to hide away from life and the duties that it brings. The rainy weather doesn't help that, either; in fact, it just makes the urge to hide under the blankets more attractive and even more inviting.

Thankfully, i have a tot who will have none of that hiding under the covers stuff. She rushed in early this morning with a "Gooooddddd Mooooninnng, Mommmy!" and was ready for peanut butter toast and milk breakfast. After breakfast, it was time to play with Pato (the puppet ducky thing) and Horton the elephant. And, too, it was time to change clothes three times, look at our toenails and compare them to the elephant's toenails and eat a snack.

Who could stay in a 'hide under the covers mood' with all of that going on?!?!

There is much coming up this next week to do and to deal with. I'm heading to the Spanish Consulate in Miami on Tuesday and thankfully, Melinda is going to watch over my treasured tot while i'm gone for the day. I hope that she knows how grateful i am for her watching over Emma while i'm gone....Emma loves Ms. Mwwlinnda and Cooper so i won't have to worry about her for the day. It's a quick trip to deal with paperwork stuff, but it's a costly trip due to the last minute flight. I'm secretly excited about the trip, not because i'm going to the Consulate or going to Miami alone, but because i'll be able to bring home a stash of Spanish food and meats.

I know, i'm always thinking about food. But i miss this kind of food so much and nothing spells comfort to me more than Spanish food. Nothing. Except maybe actually being IN Spain....

I'm also headed to visit sweet Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim this weekend! I can't wait to see them and apparently it's prom weekend, so pretty Lacey, the granddaughter, will come by in her dress with her boyfriend. I'm sure that Ms. Jo is looking forward to seeing Lacey in her dress....it will be a good weekend, i'm sure. And if i'm reeallyyy lucky, maybe Mr. Jim will find us some Chicken Mull--->don't even ask, lol.

So, it's a day to be thankful for things. Like well-loved stuffed animals, story books, lots of rain for our flowers, toes that don't look like elephant toes, and a tot who always manages to remind me how much i have to be grateful and thankful for.

An update...

2011-04-07T15:24:00.002-06:00

....about sweet Ms. Jo from her husband showed up today in my email box. I didn't want to peek at it, but then, i so wanted to know how she was doing. Even though i was there for the weekend, things have a way of changing so fast right now, almost in an instant, it seems.

Below is Mr. Jim's weekly update:

Jolynn is struggling with some of her medicines. They either taste bad, burn, or nauseate her. Some of the medicines she needs, but I refuse to put through pain or unnecessary discomfort. She has a chemical UNBALANCE now (this is from our Hospice nurse), and it happens when the liver begins to be involved that it will actually produce ammonia. This causes confusion, mood swings, angry outbursts, and some moderate memory loss; all of which she is actually having.

She is trying to fight it off but I'm afraid she can't beat this one and her anger is so not her. She can't control her emotions and repeats things over and over. The people who love you and you love the most are targeted, and you know it's only because we are here. Our love for her is without question and we will rise above this. She is not herself, but we love her no matter what.

I am going to try and attach a photo of a Rosary. It was given to Isabel(Anna) by her grandmother who was from Spain. She now wants Jo to have it to carry with her on her journey. Such love and friendship is wonderful,and we dearly love Anna for this gift.

We (the children and I) went to the funeral home last night and did some fine tuning her final arrangements and wishes...

We love you all,

Jim & Jolynn

ah, yes, the Rosary gift to Ms. Jo.

I wanted to give something to Ms. Jo that she could hold on to, and find comfort in. For me, my Rosary has always been that one thing that brings me peace. I hold it in my palm and run my fingers over the beads, slowly, eyes closed, in prayer. Sometimes, i just hold it in my hands, feeling the prayer beads....it brings me comfort when other things don't.

This particular Rosary was a gift from my Grandma in Spain. There were three of these Rosaries that she sent to us via my aunt: one for my Mom, one for my sister, and one for me. My sister wasn't so much into Rosaries, neither was my Mother, but i loved these particular Rosary, so i kept all three with me to make sure they wouldn't be lost. The beads from these particular rosaries are made from crushed rose petals and have the most amazing smell of roses. It is said that when you smell the beautiful smell of roses, the Virgin Mary and Christ are looking over you, praying over you.

When my Mom passed away, i placed mine in her hands to be buried with. I kept hers and i still had my sister's. When i was at a loss at what to give Ms. Jo for comfort, it dawned on me that this Rosary would be perfect. Sweet Ms. Jo would get my Mom's rosary.

I was a bit nervous about giving Ms. Jo my gift...she's not Catholic but i hoped that she would understand the significance of the gift i intended the Rosary to be for her. She understood. She understood completely. And of course, she and i cried together.

So, now, Ms. Jo has my Mom's Rosary to bring her comfort....which is a perfect place for that Rosary to be.

My Mom would think that is the perfect place, too...

Guess what this is?

2011-04-05T23:41:00.002-06:00

oh yes, folks, it's my newest toy!

The Three Best Things...

2011-04-04T11:52:00.003-06:00

THE THREE BEST THINGS

WORK
Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at the desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
"This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way."
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the labouring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.

LOVE
Let me but love my love without disguise,
Nor wear a mask of fashion old or new,
Nor wait to speak till I can hear a clue,
Nor play a part to shine in others' eyes,
Nor bow my knees to what my heart denies;
But what I am, to that let me be true,
And let me worship where my love is due,
And so through love and worship let me rise.
For love is but the heart's immortal thirst
To be completely known and all forgiven,
Even as sinful souls that enter Heaven:
So take me, dear, and understand my worst,
And freely pardon it, because confessed,
And let me find in loving thee, my best.

LIFE
Let me but live my life from year to year,
With forward face and unreluctant soul;
Not hurrying to, nor turning from, the goal;
Not mourning for the things that disappear
In the dim past, nor holding back in fear
From what the future veils; but with a whole
And happy heart, that pays its toll
To Youth and Age, and travels on with cheer.
So let the way wind up the hill or down,
O'er rough or smooth, the journey will be joy:
Still seeking what I sought when but a boy,
New friendship, high adventure, and a crown,
My heart will keep the courage of the quest,
And hope the road's last turn will be the best.

~Henry Van Dyke

A note from Mr. Jim...

2011-04-01T14:48:00.002-06:00

...was sitting in my email box mid-morning today. I knew that this email was coming, but i wasn't sure when. As i looked at the title of the update email, which simply was titled "Jolynn", i couldn't decide if i wanted to open it or not, read this email now, or read it much, much later. Mr. Jim sends updates weekly on Ms. Jo to friends and family to let everyone know how she's doing.

She's not doing well.

I don't think that any of us are surprised that she's almost at the end of her journey. I do think that what has surprised everyone is how Ms. Jo seems to be taking care of everyone around here, even as sick as she has gotten. She has shown amazing grace, almost as if she is giving us lessons in not only how to live to the end, but how to die with grace at the end, too. One last gift from her to all of us around her.

Below is Mr. Jim's email. It's hard to read it without tears coming. Yesterday, Ms. Jo asked Mr. Jim to make her final arrangements, telling him what her final wishes were to be. She is tired, i think, and ready to make sure that everything is ready to how she wants it....

Hello All,

Jolynn finally made her decision to go ahead with having the hospital bed and the Foley catheter put in today. She has almost no strength at this point and last night it took Mike and I both to help her up. She is starting to have pain from being helped up and back to her chair or bed, and we would never do anything on purpose to make her pain worse. She has been strong beyond our wildest dreams, but the "Tuff Guy Act" is fast coming to a close. She is still fighting, but she knows she will not win this battle, even with her valiant effort over these past 13 months and for sure these past 6 weeks. We can only admire her willingness to do whatever needed to have just one more day, then another, and so on. She is not giving up, but is slowing down, resting and getting ready for the next hurdle in her journey to peace and restfulness.

We are doing our best to tolerate all the things that are happening to our beloved, Wife, Mother, Nana, and friend. We don't question God's decision to choose one person over another to stand at his side, but we wish it would much later for our Jolynn. There are so many things in our children and grand children's lives that she won't get to be a physical part of. Her presence will be forever in our hearts and hopefully we will try and remember as much of the good things that have been in our lives.

Please continue to pray for Jo. Her mental and spiritual peace is needed now more than ever. God bless all.

Jim (for our family)

As for me, my heart is once again, sad to the point that it aches. I'm sad for us that Jolynn won't be a part of our physical lives anymore. Mr. Jim will loose his much beloved wife. Missy will loose her Mama. Michael will loose his Mama. The grandchildren will loose an amazing Nana.

And i, and many of Jolynn's friends, will loose an amazing friend.

I'll be able to spend time with the Farley bunch this weekend....and i'm so looking forward to seeing them and hanging out with Mr. and Ms. Jo. For single moment counts, you know....every single moment.

A Mr. Jim Birthday Party....

2011-03-22T11:08:00.000-06:00

....was held this past weekend. I snapped way too many photos, but that's what you do when it's a fun party. Between watching the twins "decorate" their grandfather's birthday cake and just enjoying watching this bunch, well, it was truly a fun time to take photos.

Ms. Jo continues to hang in there. I'm honored that she's sharing this part of her life with me....i just wish that i could stop what is going on and make her healthy again. But just as she told me, cancer is part of her journey and we all have our own journeys. I suppose that she's right, but i still think that cancer, well, sucks.

What is He.....

2011-03-18T05:35:00.010-06:00

....trying to teach me?!?!?!

Very early this morning, i woke up my poor husband, who had fallen asleep upstairs with a scream of "GET OUT!!!". You know, like the house in that horror movie screamed at those people who lived there? Yeah. Just like that. How awesome to wake up someone who had fallen asleep upstairs with that?!?! What a lucky man he is!

No wonder he sometimes falls asleep on the couch.

Truth be told, i use to have really, really horrible dreams. The kind that wake yourself up because you are screaming, yelling or thrashing about like an elephant trying to dance hip-hop? Yeah. Those kind of wonderful, awesome dreams. I figured it was due to stuff that had happened before in my first marriage and just hoped that it would go away. After i married Robert, those kind of dreams, thankfully, gradually disappeared (and he was very thankful, too, btw). As life became something that i always had dreamed it would never become, i rarely had those types dreams anymore.

That is, until something would trigger one.

Lately, i've had these dreams again....and i could not, for the life of me, understand why. I mean, i have a really nice life that i am so very grateful for that i never thought that i would have. I am sure to thank God every single morning to let Him know how grateful i am for the type of life i have. I am a wife to a man who loves God. I am a mother, the best job in the world ~~unless you're potty training~~ to a daughter that i love so very much. I have a roof over my head. I have so many friends that i love and cherish.

This morning, i totally understand why the dreams are back.

I get it.

This time, my dreams are trying to teach me lessons.

And there are lessons from God in these dreams of mine that i have always struggled with. I have ALWAYS struggled with these lessons. Always.

I think that i finally understand the two lessons that God is trying His best to teach me, His daughter, who apparently has to be taught things over and over AND OVER....

He is teaching me, one, that "nothing on this earth belongs to me."

Not my home, not my cool new running tennis shoes, not my amazing Born heels caught on sale for an amazing price, not my plants, not my photos, not my writings, not my treasured books, not my precious camera, not my cherished friends, not my difficult, but much loved sister, not my much-loved husband, not my very much-loved daughter. Not even me ~~who i am not sure that i like/love at times~~.

None of these things that i seem to think are so "precious" belong to me.

None of it.

Absolutely NONE of it.

Not one piece.

They belong to HIM.

ALL OF IT.

The other thing that He is doing his best to teach His hard headed daughter is that i have no control over the world. Read that one again....i have NO CONTROL over the world even though in my mind ~~which my very sweet and funny husband likes to call "Isabel-land"~~, i like to think that i do. Apparently, i like to think that i control everything that i see. You know, like "all that i see in MY kingdom, i control and rule over"? Yeah, like that.

I control nothing in this world.

Nada, Zip, the big Zero.

Nothing.

HE DOES.

I don't control my little, cute daughter (what a shocker, eh?), i don't control the weather (otherwise, no snow days....), i don't control/decide who lives or dies, who has cancer and who doesn't (because my Mom and Ms. Jo would so totally be cured), i don't control/decide who gets to live or die, i don't control/decide whether the sun comes up tomorrow or not, and i don't control/decide who gets to poop on the potty or not apparently. I don't decide/control anything.

Nothing.

I control nothing in this world.

Nada. Zip. The big Zero.

NOTHING.

HE DOES.

All i can do is pray for people, love them the very best i can, treat them the best i can, take care of them the best i can and realize that everyone, EVERYONE is on loan to me from God. All of the special people and the "things" that i think are so important don't belong to me. We don't belong to each other. We belong to HIM.

God is in control. I am here to love, pray and take care of those in life who need me.

That's what He's trying to teach me.

Bradford Pears....

2011-03-15T16:47:00.002-06:00

....are one of my most favorite trees. They signal to me that Spring is indeed near and for me to just be patient and wait a little longer. I love waiting for those trees to bloom as they are truly that stunning to see close up.

The biggest problem with Bradford Pears is that their inner branches are pretty weak and have a tendency to break off the tree during wind storms. I've seen beautiful Bradford Pear trees split down the middle during the storms because of their week branches. No matter how large the trunk of this tree gets, it still doesn't seem to protect it from splitting. Pruning seems to help a little and i've seen some pretty severe pruning of these trees....i think that the jury is still out on the pruning thing.

Even still, i love this tree....and it's beautiful blooms.

Goin' for a visit...

2011-03-14T17:24:00.002-06:00

....to see these two lovely folks this weekend. I'm surprised that they are not tired of me yet; of course, they may be and are just too nice to tell me to shoo!

Sweet Jo is still hanging in there and Mr. Jim is right there with her.

I am sometimes at a loss for words when i visit Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim. Words just don't seem to come easily some times as i want to offer comfort and a smile and i am at a loss. Those of you that know me, know how rare it is for me to be at a loss for words....maybe sometimes, words don't need to be spoken and just being there is enough. Either way, i'm grateful that i'm being given the chance to be with them during all of this....

I keep reminding myself that Ms. Jo is headed to a better place, where she won't be sick or in pain. I'm sad, though, for her family and for her many friends that love her. I know that they don't want to see her suffer, but i know that it's tough to let go of someone that you love so very much. I guess that i need to remember that we are all here on loan from God and one day, we'll all be together again.

sigh...life is hard sometimes, isn't it?

Da Tickle Monster....

2011-03-09T14:57:00.000-06:00

....who is better known as "Dada", shows up every day, ready to chase and tickle.

Really, i need to video it for you to get the full effect of the laughter, giggles, and little girl screams that happen when the Tickle Monster appears.

It warms my heart to hear Emma belly laugh and to watch my husband, no matter how tired he is, chase Emma and giggle right along with her.

I am so, so very grateful to be in their lives, to be a Mommy to Emma and a wife to Robert.

They are the colors and the music in my life...

Thought for the day...

2011-03-08T11:53:00.002-06:00

Faith isn't faith
until it's all
you're holding on to...

~ Anonymous

A Visit...

2011-03-07T12:16:00.003-06:00

2 When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...
Isaiah 43:2-3

The past two weekends, i've been blessed to be invited to stay with sweet Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim. It has been an amazing two weekends for me; full of laughter, love, hugs and chats. I can't explain how grateful i am to the two of them to have let me into their lives and into their families so i can spend some special time with Ms. Jo.

Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim lived across the street from me when i lived in Athens. I was married at the time to my first husband and the Farley's, i think, always knew that something, well, just wasn't quite right at my home. They were right, of course, but never said anything about that; they just let me know that if i needed anything, i could come to them. Just knowing that they were across the street and i could run there at any time, was a huge blessing to me.

It's funny how God puts people in your life dressed in regular clothes who are really angels in disguise, isn't it?

Ms. Jo has a green thumb. Heck, to be honest, she has green hands. Every plant seemed to thrive with her and she knew so much about plants. I learned to love flowers, plants and trees from my grandma, so i was thrilled to find someone who had info that i needed! The day that they moved from our neighborhood and into their home that they are in now was a truly sad day for me. I felt like i had lost my buddies, my pals. I never had invited my parents to my home for fear that they would be dragged into my mess of a marriage, so, the Farley's were kinda like "my" family during that time.

Thankfully, we kept in touch. Ms. Jo's new home had an amazing garden and she delighted in her new home. A beautiful apple-decorated kitchen, her treasured antiques that she and Mr. Jim would find and bring home soon decorated the new home. I was thrilled they were so dang happy there...but i still, selfishly, wanted them to move back. But she and Mr. Jim were two peas in a pod and happy as clams in their new home...it was fun to watch the two of them banter back and fourth. It was almost like watching a dance between the two of them, one that had been perfected over many, many years of marriage.

Ms. Jo is also one of those women who take care of others. She is a nurturer in every sense of the word. She took care of her husband and loved her two children. She loved her friends and they loved her back. I remember thinking way back when we lived across the street from each other: "She should do more stuff for herself!" but the truth is, that wouldn't have made her happy. Taking care and loving others was what made Ms. Jo happy.

And she did those things so well.

To hear from Mr. Jim that sweet Ms. Jo was sick was hard to swallow for me. And the fact that it was cancer, well, made it even harder for me to swallow. I knew what was in store for her. I knew without a doubt what was in store for her. I was scared for her because i knew what cancer, radiation and chemo can and will do and it's not pretty. I was scared because of the Stage the cancer was classified in. I was terrified for not only her, but for her family. I didn't want Mr. Jim to watch her get sick. I didn't want her daughter, who was younger than i was and had a beautiful daughter and a sweet husband, to see how sick her mother was going to get. I didn't want her son, who i had pretty much watched grow up into a young man who also now had family of his own, to have to watch his mother get sick. Ms. Jo would loose her hair. She would feel horribly sick. I wanted to stop this from happening, and yet, i knew that i couldn't. I prayed as hard as i could that maybe the doctors were wrong, or that what they found would mysteriously disappear.

That didn't happen.

No matter what i did, or anyone else did, no matter how many people loved her and she loved back, no matter that she had beautiful grandchildren, she was going to get much sicker with treatment. In order to get rid of cancer, she would have to get much sicker first and then, get better. Ms. Jo would get sicker than any of them had ever seen her get....and it would break their hearts. It would break all of our hearts.

Just like it did for my family when my Mama got sick.

Ms. Jo, however, is not the "sit in the corner and pout" kinda gal. Her spirits, her faith, her strength did what is no surprise to anyone who knows and loves her: she got on her boxing gloves and decided to fight and do everything and anything she could do so she could stay with Mr. Jim and be "Nana" to her three grand kids. If it meant chemo and radiation, so be it. She would do what she had to do to give her the best shot at being able to stay with her family. I hate to admit this, but i think that i am a "sit in the corner and pout" kinda gal. I do know that Ms. Jo had her moments, but from what i understand, they were private ones. Ms. Jo is the one who made her friends feel comfortable when they visited and put them at ease. Ms. Jo hugged back tightly when hugged and continued to love on each and everyone of her many visitors. You know you've been loved on when Ms. Jo hugs you...

Now, under Hospice care, i can see her gradually getting weaker. She is in a wheelchair (that i named "Sally", btw) now and needs help getting things done. She hasn't eaten solid food in over 20 days; preferring to sip on Ginger Ale and eat orange Popsicles. Ms. Jo, however, is still doing things under her terms and i am so very proud of her. Her sharp wit is still there, her smile is still there, her eye rolling is still there and her hugs are still there. And the banter between Mr. Jim and she is still there and makes me smile each time i think of it.

Ms. Jo, Mr. Jim, their children and many friends know that there will be a time when things will change. Oddly enough, i think that it's Ms. Jo who is helping them deal with this. I can tell she puts everything she has into talking and loving and family and friends; almost as if she is trying to cram as much love as she can into an unknown amount of time. It's as if she is teaching us how to die with grace...and how to truly live our lives.

Because that's truly what it's all about, isn't it? Loving God, relying, trusting on Him to walk with you, loving others with your whole heart and serving them? Isn't that what life IS all about? Aren't those things the things that bring you the blessings in life and make it worth living? Aren't those the things that truly make you feel the most alive? Aren't those the things that God put us here to do?

I think so. I truly think so.

I'll be going back to spend some more weekends with sweet Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim very soon. Her garden needs some tending to, and i want, selfishly, to hang out with them. I'm grateful for this time with them, grateful to both of them for including me in their lives....and grateful for the lessons that Ms. Jo is teaching me.

I just wish that i could have learned those lessons on what life is about another way...

I spy....

2011-03-03T18:47:00.005-06:00

....SPRING!

It does look as if Spring is right around the corner, according to my plants. Our newly planted butterfly garden is slowly waking up and coming back to life, the daylillies are starting to slowly peek out and the days are getting just a bit longer. I am so very ready for Spring! I see lots of trips to the garden center and lots of planting of things for Emma and i....

It's going to be a beautiful Spring, my friends...

Photo Tuesday...

2011-03-01T20:52:00.014-06:00

How to say "good-bye"...

2011-02-23T15:24:00.003-06:00

One of the things that i'm often asked about my Mama passing away from cancer is if i was thankful for the time to say "good-bye" to her. I have always answer "no" to that question, then have to explain how very,very grateful i was for the 4/5 months that i was able to semi-live with her and my dad towards the end of her life, but that i wished that she didn't have to suffer with the pain that she had. I truly believe, in my heart, that i would have preferred her to pass away suddenly than to have to watch my Mama suffer the way she did. To watch someone you love suffer in pain, day after day, and not be able to do anything but offer more, and more stronger pain-killing drugs (and pray silently to yourself hourly) is the most difficult thing that i've ever done. There were times when nothing seemed to comfort her; not drugs, not the presence of friends or prayers gently whispered.

Although i'm thankful for the strong drugs that tried to drive her pain away, those very same drugs made her incoherent and bedridden. She wasn't able to communicate with me for a lot of the last few months. Christmas Eve was the last time she was out of her bed; my Dad wanted her to see the Christmas tree. In a way, it was as though she had already left me, but her body was doing what all of our bodies are designed to do: survive. I would lay next to her on the bed, holding her hand as she slept or napped, talking softly to her, telling her all of the things i knew i needed to tell her before she passed away, yet feeling as though she wasn't present in her body. Oddly enough, i felt her "in" the room, so i would keep talking, and talking. I would tell her about the child Robert and i were one day hoping to adopt, how much i loved Robert, how i would look after Claudine, that i was finally happy and on the right track, that i was sorry for not coming home that one Christmas because i just didn't want to celebrate Christmas in the mist of my divorce. I should have come home that Christmas; not to celebrate, but to be taken care of by her.

She and i cried together only once: the day that i first arrived to stay. We were in her bedroom together, and i was putting her to bed, tucking her in, praying and begging, as hard as i could to myself that God would somehow, some way, get rid of all of the cancer in her body. What was i going to do without her? I continued to tuck her in, as she did me for so many years, and i started to cry. She sat up, wrapped her arms around me and told me that it was okay, that this is the way it was, and that i would be okay. That Robert was with me now...and of course, i just continued to cry. Although i am so very grateful that God put Robert into my life just when i would need him the most, i didn't want to trade my mother in. My Mom was suppose to live into her nineties, like she and i had talked about so many times. She wasn't suppose to leave me this soon, and certainly not like this. Certainly she wasn't suppose to leave me like this...

I don't remember telling her 'good-bye'. I remember telling her one night in January as i tucked her in, that when she was ready to leave us, to go to her father and brother who were waiting for her, that she should and that we would be okay. As i whispered this to her that night, i remember thinking to myself "I'll be okay, but nothing will ever, ever be the same" as the tears came. My sweet Mama had already fallen asleep, snoring softly, as i talked and tucked her in but i was glad that i managed to say those words because i never thought that i would. My prayers to God had changed dramatically in the last two months. I was now begging God to please, please take her, to stop this suffering, that enough was enough and she deserved peace. I felt horrible praying this because i didn't want her to die, yet in order for her to have peace and for the pain to stop, she would have to die. I wanted her to stay with me, but i knew she needed to go.

And she finally did, one early morning in January. I was thankful that it was over for her and she was now at peace. But the loss i felt and still feel daily, is so very great. It is although my heart is missing a huge piece. I try to look after my sister as i promised my Mama i would, but that has proven to be more difficult than i would have imagined. Claudine and i feel her presence missing so much when we are together...we are sad sometimes when we are together, thinking how things should be different. But we have managed to find comfort in cooking the things that she loved to cook for us, and talking about her. And in that way, i suppose, our hearts are trying to heal a little.

This weekend, i'm leaving for Atlanta to visit Ms. Jo, my friend who is now in hospice care. I still have not a clue how to say 'good-bye' so i'm not going to. If anything, i should say to her, "See you later" as one day, i will see her again.

Just as i will my Mama.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

The Birthday Cake

2011-02-16T13:09:00.004-06:00

This is the cake that Emma and i made together for her fourth birthday.

It's pretty, isn't it?

This is how the cake looked after i left Emma alone with the cake. She got her stool, climbed up to the big stool and licked the icing off of her birthday cake.

I wasn't gone that long; i had gone upstairs to grab some laundry that needed to be done. Apparently, though, i was gone long enough for this to happen.

I'm sure that i'll look back on this and giggle.

Just not yet, though...

Dear Emma....

2011-02-15T12:36:00.002-06:00

It is the night before your fourth birthday and i'm going through photos of you that i've taken since you were placed in my arms on that hot July morning. So many photos of you!! I know that you will run out of patience with my photo taking, but i hope you'll understand why i try to capture as many photos of you as i can. Children have a way of growing up so very quickly and photos make the magic of the growing up last just a little longer.

I am sometimes shocked that you are turning four already. Although i've been here for every second, you seem to have grown in front of my eyes without me knowing it. It seems that i've blinked, and here we are, getting ready to sing "Happy Birthday" to you again! You are excited about your birthday, i think. Perhaps, though, it's just because you know that we will be making a cake...

I'm so proud of the little girl you are becoming, Emmie. How you love animals! You know the names of so many of them! You love your books with the animals the most so you can call out their names and tell me about them. Eels, orcas, dolphins, crabs, spider monkeys, donkeys, alpacas, cutter ants, anteaters, elephants, giraffes, lions, tigers, panthers, owls, seals...you name it, you know it. I'm also so happy to see that you love to learn new words in Spanish. You know your colors, your numbers, fruits and countless other words in Spanish. I have to smile to myself when you ask me "What's dat in Spwaish, Mama?" every chance you get when we are out.

Other than animals, you love books, Woody, Buzz and especially Jessie, the Cowgirl. Oh, and her horse, Bullseye. You also love to be naked, as much as you can. (You tell me that is the only way that you can jump on the bed, btw!) You love to run, love to be outside, you love flowers/plants, you love the zoo, the beach and you LOVE pizza. And i almost forgot, you love Slinky Dog, too. Pachi is still your guy, though. He is your best buddy and constant companion. Thank heavens he is holding up okay....he's been everywhere with you! You sing to him constantly. I smile at how many songs you know. You know too many songs to list, but your favorite are the bible songs we sing every morning and in the car to school. Hearing your sing "Jesus loves me" makes me smile...

You also love school and your little friends! I love how you always ask for Cooper, Bree, Bella and Sean. You insist on saying hello to all of your teachers and Mrs. Cheryl every morning. I love seeing how much you love Ms. Cindy still. It's been interesting seeing how social you are as, well, i'm not. You introduce yourself to folks in the grocery store and have no hesitation of talking to someone that you've just met. You and Dada have that in common, it seems.

Speaking of Dada, you two are two peas in a pod. You love for him to chase you, tickle you, and ride on his shoulders. It's hard for me not to giggle every evening when he comes home and your hear him open the garage door. You start screaming "MAMA, DADA IS HOME, DADAAAA IS HOOOMMMMMEEEE! LETS GO SEE HIM NOWWWWW!" I'm forgotten once he walks in the door, but really, that's okay as i'm glad to see him too.

You are learning about Guatemala, bit by bit. We talk about your birth mother when we say our prayers, but i'm not sure how much you understand yet. I think of her on a daily basis, Emma, and even more it seems, on days like your birthday or a holiday. How proud of you she would be! You are a mirror image of her. She is a most beautiful woman with hair and eyes like you. Perhaps that is one of the reasons for all of the photos...i hope one day to share them with her so she can see how much the two of you look alike. Your birth mother is part of our family, Emma and always remember that there is more than enough love to go around.

Happy 4th Birthday, my sweet one. Know that your Daddy and i love you to the moon and back....

Mommy

Mini-Quiche

2011-02-10T15:19:00.004-06:00

I've never really been a big fan of quiche. I'm not sure why, as i've never actually eaten quiche before. I know, i know, "How do you know you don't like something till you've tried it?" you ask? I have not a clue...but one taste of these babies, and i am singin' a different tune. These little bites of joy are AMAZING.

I received this recipe from Valorie from my MomsTogether group. I was nervous about making these....because, you know, i didn't "like quiche". These mini-quiche came out perfect! Great as a brunch recipe, great for family breakfast.

Mini-Quiche

~INGREDIENTS
1box Pillsbury® refrigerated pie crusts, softened as directed on box
1/4cup chopped green onions (4 medium)
2eggs
1/2cup half-and-half
1/3cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/4teaspoon salt
1/8teaspoon ground nutmeg
1box (9 oz) Green Giant® frozen chopped spinach, thawed, squeezed to drain (I USED A HANDFUL OF FRESH SPINACH, CUT UP SMALL AND COOKED FOR A FEW MIN. IN OLIVE OIL. )

~DIRECTIONS
1.Heat oven to 375°F. Remove 1 pie crust from pouch; place flat on work surface. With 2 1/2-inch round cutter, cut 12 rounds. Press each round in bottom and up sides of ungreased mini muffin cup. Repeat with second pie crust.
2.In 8-inch skillet, cook onions in a little olive oil or pam; cook 2 to 3 minutes, stirring constantly, until tender. Drain. (if cooking fresh spinach, cook with onions.
3.In medium bowl, place onions. Add eggs; beat well with fork. Stir in half-and-half, cheese, salt and nutmeg. Stir in spinach. Divide mixture evenly into crust-lined cups.
4.Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until puffed and golden brown. Cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes. With tip of knife, loosen and remove quiches from cups. Serve warm or cool. Store in refrigerator.

NOTES: I used fresh spinach and it was so easy to do. I used a little olive oil and cooked the green onion and spinach together for just a few mintues, stirring frequently. Chop spinach small with a sharp knife and i promise you won't be sorry that you didn't use frozen spinach!

Please pray for Kate....

2011-02-04T12:04:00.005-06:00

This is little Kate McRae.

I have been following little Kate and her family for a while now, since 2009. Cheering at every good moment, tearing up at the bad moments and praying the entire time for this beautiful little girl and her family.

You see, little Kate was diagnosed in 2009 with childhood cancer. Her Mommy and Daddy were told that little Kate had a massive tumor on the left temporal lobe of her brain. From there,Kate's Mommy wrote on their Caring Bridge Site that "Kate underwent a craniotomy with tumor resection on July 3rd, 2009. They unfortunately were only able to remove 50% of the tumor due to it's location in the left temporal lobe of her brain and the fact that the tumor had wrapped itself around the left middle cerebral artery to her brain. Kate experienced right sided paralysis immediately following surgery along with the loss of her speech."

After waiting for the pathology reports, her parents learned that Kate was diagnosed with a very malignant, aggressive brain tumor called a supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor or sPNET.

In January, 2010, Kate finished her 5th round of Chemo.

And then, the family was off to Houston to do radiation on little Kate's brain.

Then in May 2010, a PET Scan showed NO signs of cancer in her brain.

It seems that all of the prayers for little Kate were being answered.

Kate, after much physical therapy, returned to start school. Her Mommy held her breath, continuing to pray that this Monster was beaten.

Kate had a scan done on February 1st.

There are new spots on Kate's brain...and a new spot on the other side.

The Monster is back.

Damn it.

Kate's family is crushed.

Little Kate, in tears, asked her Daddy "Why, Daddy? Why hasn't Jesus healed me yet?"

Kate's Daddy only answer to that question was more tears.

Please, add little Kate and her family to your prayer lists. Ask for healing for this little one, for wisdom for her doctors as they try to figure out what path to take, for her family to feel God's love around them.

Here is a LINK to Kate's Caring Bridge Site. If you feel that you want to leave a message for Kate and her family, please do. I'm sure that they cherish each and every message and prayer that is left for them.

Please.

Please pray for sweet Kate.

Please.

Again?

2011-01-31T16:16:00.004-06:00

Lately, i've been in the mist of thinking of a lot of things. I think that it's due to the fact it's January and i've always felt that January is a great time for self reflection and the deep thinking stuff. Leave it to me to kick off the year with this deep thinking stuff. This January, for many reasons, i seem to be consumed with thoughts of mainly one subject:

Cancer.

It has consumed me lately, thoughts of this disease. I hate that it's such a big part of my life, my thoughts and to the life and thoughts of those around me. I hate that i know more about cancer than i ever wanted to know. I hate that i know about the Sara Cannon Center, about MD Anderson, about Vanderbilt's program and about experimental "options". I hate how it not only touches the lives that it invades, but how it changes lives forever. I hate how we all have the 'cancer cells' but that they 'turn' on for people sometimes without reason or rhyme. I hate how cancer can go away, be "cured", and then, years later (or sooner) come back into someones life. I hate that i actually have suggestions for caretakers of cancer patients on ways to help them eat, or how to maybe feel better and how to watch for certain things. I hate that i read about cancer and how i hate that i look to see if there is anything new that could help a cancer patient.

Because that "cancer patient" is some one's wife, some one's daughter, some one's mother, some one's sister, some one's aunt or uncle, some one's father, some one's husband or some one's child....it seems that cancer isn't picky about who it picks.

Oh, and of course, i hate how no one has figured out a way to rid us of this disease.

I sometimes want to scream till my throat hurts: "How is it that we can put a man on the moon, travel in space, make a car that runs on electricity and yet, cancer is still in our world?" or how about this one: "Really?!? We can have a trillion dollar deficit, but we can't have a cure for all cancers?!?!" I know, i know, i know....cancer is a difficult enough of a disease to figure out much less treat.

But i wish....

Well, you know what i wish...

My Mama.

My sweet Grandma.

My Tio, Jose Luis.

Little Kate.

Amy's Dad.

Janice's cousin.

Gail.

Mrs. Jo.

I wish that i had a magic wand sometimes to cure cancer. Or at the very least, a big stick to beat it away.

Cancer has shown me just how immature, how horribly immature, my faith can be. It's truly embarrassing, you know. I find myself wanting to "make deals" with God when faced with a loved one's cancer or a friend's cancer. Almost like i'm on that game show, Let's Make a Deal? Or the "Please-Take-This-Person-Not-That-Person" game?

"God, please, please, please cure my friend's father. Isn't there someone else who deserves to die more than my friend's father? If you need some names...."

Yes.

sigh...

Yes, i have prayed that. More than once, i'm afraid.

And i know that it's wrong to pray that. And i know that it's horribly immature to pray that. I truly hope that God sees past my childish prayers and outbursts and understands. But, sometimes, anger finds a way to creep in when i'm thinking about what cancer is doing to someone i love, or to a friend's family member. Anger creeps in when i realize that there isn't anything i can do to help, other than give hugs, send notes and just be there.

Praying, leaving and trusting in God is the best thing to do during these times; i know this. In fact, i have come to understand that it may be the only thing to do.

For He does have a plan.

He does.

Even if i struggle to understand it.

These are the moments....

2011-01-25T23:33:00.002-06:00

...that literally take "my" breath away.

These three black and white photo are a snap-shot into our mornings. Emma, in her favorite monkey pjs, being chased by my husband who is acting as the "Tickle Monster". Through the house Emma, Pachi and Robert run, giggling hysterically until the "Tickle Monster" catches Emma and Pachi.

And moments after being caught by the Tickle Monster, the chase begins again; round and round the three of them go, over and over again, Emma with her little girl screams, Robert with his "monster" noises and Pachi swinging from his tail or ears. Poor Pachi is usually being held by one of his ears or his tail (which is barely hanging on, btw) as Emma runs and laughs her belly laugh as she is chased by Robert.

These are the moments that i try to close my eyes and memorize. I try to memorize the smell of fruit loops, the smell of Emma and Robert, the sound of my little daughter laughing and running and my husband, who i fall in love with over and over again as he chases her. I want to hold onto these moments because i know how fast moments move through our lives and just how fast life can change in one of those moments.

I am always terrified that something will happen that is out of my control and these types of moments will stop forever. Perhaps that's why i try to hang on so desperately to the moments that take my breath away. Perhaps that's why i always try to have my camera in hand, to capture the moments. I hang on to my daughter, my husband, and my life like a drowning woman sometimes, terrified that i will loose it all to some unknown force. I worry that God won't be looking at the exact moment that this 'disaster' strikes and my life will forever be changed and i will loose these two cherished ones that i consider "mine" and my happy life.

The truth is, neither my daughter or my husband are "mine".

They are entrusted to me, to take care of, to love, to cherish by God. They are gifts. His gifts to me. And no matter how desperately i hang on to both of them, they will never be "mine".

They are His.

Just as i am.

I recently have realized that hanging on so desperately to my moments out of fear with my family takes the joy out of those moments. For me to think that i have control of my life or that these two that i love are "mine" isn't smart or wise, either. I am entrusted by God to take care of both of them, cherish both of them and love both of them as best as i can. And i am to cherish the moments that i am given with them as a gift...

...a gift from God.

I know all about God's gift of eternal life for us. I know that He loves us so much that He gave His son for us. I know that things happen to people for reasons that i don't understand and struggle with, but that God understands. I know that i am to trust God with all my heart and soul. But i sometimes find myself wanting to "help" God with "my" ideas of how i think things should be in the world and in my life. I tend forget, it seems, that He has a plan for each of us and truly, does not need my help or input with any of it ~~no matter how helpful i think that i may be~~.

Although i think and say that i trust God with all my heart and soul, do i?

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

"Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him." ~Psalm 2:12

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~Psalm 27:14

In my quiet moments now, i am a student again, learning and reading my bible. I am immature in my faith, wanting to "help" God, wanting to change things to suit me. Learning for me, is a slow process, reading the bible and learning about it can be a challenge; but it has also been almost like an awakening of my soul. I am learning how to let go, learning how to truly trust God entirely and not just let that be a sentence that comes from my mouth that sounds good. I am slowly learning to let the moments in my life continue to take my breath away, not be fearful of the unknown, and to truly not only put God first but to trust Him fully.

It's hard to teach these things if you don't know them yourself, you know. A child knows when your bluffing or when you don't have a clue about what you're talking about. I have to get this right, teaching Emma about God and how to study His word. It's one of the most important thing as a parent that i can teach her.

I want to be the one to teach Emma not only about how amazing God is, how amazing His grace is, how amazing His love is for us...

...but how thankful and grateful we should be to Him for all of those moments in our lives that He gives us that take our breath away.

Because if we think those moments He gives us here on earth are amazing and take our breath away, can you imagine how awesome and breath taking it will be to stand before Him when our time comes?

Truly a moment to look forward to...

Wordless Monday....

2011-01-25T00:22:00.000-06:00

....but how beautiful is little Jillian?

In love....

2011-01-22T18:57:00.002-06:00

....with this cake from "I am Baker".

Amanda, my friends, has the most amazing blog, full of photos and yummy things. You can find her HERE. Trust me, you'll want to visit her site with a cup of hot chocolate with no one to bother you, it's that amazing of a blog. I love a blog with ideas, recipes, and amazing photos. Amanda has all of those things. I truly wish i knew her and that we were BBFs. :)

Back to this beauty of a cake...

I'm not sure if it's the pink icing, the pink polka-dots or what, but i love this cake. I may even be in lust with this cake.

Emma's birthday is coming up.

She'll be four.

I won't go there right now about her turning four...

Emma tells me that she wants a 'chocooowate cwake"....

Maybe this cake, with chocolate inside....

Maybe i can pull this off....

Maybe.

Breakfast Bake

2011-01-21T16:34:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry for the poor quality of the photo; my camera phone isn't as good as the real one. But this recipe, is really yummy....and even better, it can be made the night before and put in the refrigerator till your ready to bake the next morning. I love to share recipes that i find like this!

ummm, well, actually, i didn't "find" the recipe. It found me! At Fellowship Bible Church, i belong to the MOMs Together group. I get to bake for the meetings and this is one of the awesome, fix-ahead recipes that i got assigned.

Cool, huh?

Anyways, back to the Breakfast Bake....and how yummy it is and fat-free.

Ha!

Got ya there, didn't i? It's not a fat-free breakfast casserole. I don't even know if there might be a 'healthy breakfast casserole'...i'm sure that there is, maybe, but, well, is it as yummy as this one?

So, it's not the friendly, Weight Watcher kinda breakfast. Unless you only have one fork-full. Trust me, though, you won't be able to have just "one" fork-full of this thing for breakfast!

Breakfast Bake

4 1/2 cups seasoned croutons (i used 'herb seasoned')
2 cups (8 oz) shredded cheddar cheese
1 medium onion- chopped/diced
1/4 cup chopped/diced sweet red pepper
1/4 cup chopped/diced green pepper
1 jar (4 1/2 oz) sliced mushrooms, drained
8 eggs (Oh my....)
4 cups milk (I used 2% milk)
1 teaspoon salt (i cut this to half)
1 teaspoon ground mustard (GROUND MUSTARD!)
1/8 teaspoon pepper
8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled (yes, that's EIGHT strips)
9x13 pan

Directions:
Sprinkle croutons, cheese, onion, peppers and mushrooms into greased(i sprayed the pan with PAM) 9x13 pan. In a bowl, combine the eggs, milk, salt, mustard and pepper. Slowly pour over vegetables. sprinkle with bacon. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
The next morning, bake at 350 for 45-60 min, or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean.

It makes a good breakfast dinner, too....

Back to my snow day, pj wearing activities...

Two Peas in a Pod....

2011-01-18T14:40:00.001-06:00

I am sometimes jealous of the relationship that Robert has with Emma. I don't tell him this, of course, and i am thrilled that they are 'Two peas in a pod" but still, the little green monster sometimes shows up for me when i see how well the two of them mesh.

I am, sigh, a 'Helicopter Mommy'. I try not to be, and i think that i'm getting better at setting limits on myself ~~but who am i trying to kid~~, but deep down, i know that i am still a Helicopter Mommy. I hover around, waiting for the moment to signal that it is my time to swoosh down and "rescue" my child. I grab my Pink Cape with the "HM" on it, grab my pink galoshes, and fly to her rescue. Never mind, that she doesn't need my rescuing help (nor wants it, btw) and will usually refuse it with the phrase that we Helicopter Mommies hate to hear screamed at us: "I DO IT ALLLL BY MYSWELF!".

I apparently come from a long line of Helicopter Mamas. My sweet Mama was also a Helicopter Mama and i do remember, quite clearly, doing everything in my power to break away from her as early as i could. You would think that knowing this, i would lay off, but nope. I continue to think that Emma "needs" me to rescue/help/smother her.

I'm a slow learner, i know.

Robert, on the other hand, encourages Emma to go higher, run faster, swing higher, try this or that, touch this and that, and , to do things herself. He always has. I will never forget when he let Emma hold her own bottle at around 6 months or so. I remember thinking to myself, "WHAT is he doing?!?! Doesn't he know that's MY job to hold the bottle for her?!?!"

I also remember Robert standing behind Emma on the stairs as she tried to climb up them. He would actually LET her try to do it herself! I totally thought that i had married an insane man at that point. She couldn't even walk and he was trying to show her how to climb! Of course, she mastered the stairs in no time and hasn't looked back since ~~to notice me rocking in the corner, banging my head against the wall, sad that she's growing up so fast~~.

Maybe it's a good thing that he is the way he is and that i'm the way i am with Emma.

Maybe.

She'll learn to be daring, independent and strong from him and she'll learn to hang on to things for dear life from me. That's a good mix, right?

I do know that when she's sick, i'm ~~top dog~~ the one she wants to hold her.

Okay, okay, she wants Robert, too when she's sick, but she asks for me first!

Emma is almost four now, you know. Her birthday is coming up.

Not a baby anymore.

Not a toddler anymore.

But a little girl who, thanks to her Daddy, will have a zest for life and a infectious laugh to go with it as she sings her "Jewus lowes me" songs.

And that's an amazing type of woman to grow up to be....even if they both have to drag me, kicking and screaming, along with them while i watch my little Emma grow up.

Jilli-Bean

2011-01-17T14:47:00.002-06:00

This weekend i was a lucky woman.

I got to take photos of Jillian. And i took LOTS of photos of Jilli-Bean, too.

Jillian is Luke and Rachel's yummy daughter.

She's nine months old and is one of the most beautiful babies that i've ever seen.

From the top of her head to her cute toes, this little one is a doll.

But i'm only sharing these three photos because i haven't shared all of the photos with her Mommy. I think that these three are my favorite photos from the weekend.

I think they are my favorite....no, maybe the other one where she's got this ginormous pink bow....or the one where she's trying to kiss her Dada....no, maybe the one of her giggling....

It was hard to pick just three photos to share!

Paint + Canvas

2011-01-13T15:28:00.023-06:00

Since i saw the sign for "Paint + Canvas", i've been wanting to visit them. I knew that i would more than likely have to go alone, but i was okay with that. In fact, i was actually excited about going alone. That way, i wouldn't look at my neighbor's painting ~~trying to copy and make sure that mine was better like i was five years old~~ and i would pay attention to mine.

The class was a small one. Which i was thankful for as i was pretty sure that i would paint like i draw: horribly. But Amy (the instructor and owner) was awesome. She would walk the room, talking and giving hints, explaining the different brushes. I think that what surprised me the most was that in a class of five people, all five paintings were different. The five paintings were all of trees, but each tree was different.

Another surprise was just how relaxing it was to just paint. To get lost in the colors and the canvas and just create. While my tree wouldn't win any "First Time Awesome" awards, it's a keeper and will be hanging in my laundry room where i'll be sure to see it ~~because it seems that i spend a lot of time there on most days~~ .

My next visit to Paint + Canvas is next Monday.

We're doing the Snowman.

YAY!

Snow Day Photos....

2011-01-12T11:35:00.013-06:00

The Word for 2011....

2011-01-11T13:05:00.003-06:00

....that i decided on was the word "JOY".

The idea is to pick a word that you want to 'define' your upcoming year instead of having a bunch of resolutions. We did three resolutions as a family, but i still wanted a 'word' for the upcoming year. It actually wasn't hard to pick this word as i seemed to keep 'running into it' over the past few months, starting at a MOPS meeting.

One of our mentors gave a devotion on JOY and explained what the letters in JOY stood for. I had never heard of the word 'standing' for anything other than it's definition. JOY, it seems, stands for:

Jesus
Others
Yourself

Our sweet mentor gave the the wooden J, O, Y letters she used in her devotion. Those letters are hanging on my board in my laundry room ~~because, you know, the laundry room seems to be "my" room of the house, so i put up a bulletin board to hang stuff on~~.

A friend sent me a small notebook for Thanksgiving. On this notebook was my word, JOY.

On my cute silver Christmas tree, was my word JOY that Emma picked up while we were in Target together.

There has to be a message in this word, not only for me, but for others. It's an easy word to remember, but what it stands for is so powerful. As a Mommy, my "order" seems to be:

~Emma
~Emma
~My husband
~Stuff i want to do
~God
~Me.

Not exactly what it should be, is it? It's almost like God is an after thought for me some days or He gets a quick prayer or good morning/goodnight/i'm thankful during some days. I'm sure that God doesn't like this....in the book, Crazy Love, Francis Chan calls this "leftovers" for God.

btw, if you haven't read Crazy Love, please, please take the time to read it. It is an amazing, hard on your soul, book to read but it will change your heart in ways you can't imagine. I have a copy if someone needs to borrow one, just know that i've underlined and written all over my copy.

And so, JOY it is.....unlike last year, i've not figured out what my word "Run" was all about. But, it did make me think and maybe that's a good thing for a Mommy to do when she's not running around in circles.

JOY.

It's a good word.

January 6....

2011-01-06T12:45:00.003-06:00

....has been one of my worst and best days since 2007. It is a day that i dread like no other and yet it is a day that my heart feels thankful. I often don't know how to "mark" this day; it's certainly not a day that calls for celebration and yet, well, it is a day that calls for celebration. It's just hard to celebrate when your heart still aches. I usually start this day off either recieving or sending a text to the one person who i knows and feels the same way about this day: my sister.

My Mama died on this day at 7:30 am from cancer.

Of all of the not-so-good days i've had in my life, well, this day ranks number 1.

Of all of the good days i've had in my life, well, this day ranks number 1.

I miss my Mama more than i can ever put into words. I miss her voice, her laugh, her off-key way of singing, her beauty, her love of food and cooking and most of all, i miss her phone calls that came often. I miss her love of the holidays and how she would bake special things and cook favorite things for my sister and i. I miss her presence in my life and it hurts my heart that she is not physically present in my daughter, Emma's life. Because, oh, how they would have loved each other....

...and this is what makes this day such a not-so-good day for me.

I am thankful that my Mama isn't in pain anymore. I'm thankful that cancer, that horrible bastard of a disease, is gone from her body. I'm grateful that she is done will pills, chemo, radiation, loosing her hair, being sad, and watching life though her big bedroom window, wanting desperately to be healthy again so she could be with her grandchildren. I am grateful and thankful that she is with her mother, her father, her brother, her older sister and best of all, she is in heaven with God.

And that is what makes this day, well, a bittersweet, good day for me.

I miss you so very much, Mama....so very much.

Love you still so very much,

~"Annika"

"The Designer Blog"....

2010-12-31T19:21:00.001-06:00

I somehow stumbled across "The Designer Blog" this afternoon. I spent a lot of time on their blog before i noticed that they have a "freebie" section.

Yeah. I loovvveee meee some freebies!

And then, i noticed that they are having a give-a-way!

I've always wanted to have my blog "done" professionally. I do okay at it, but, well, lets just say that having someone who knows what they are doing, do my blog would be a dream come true.

They are giving 30% off their services of custom and pre-made designs for your blog till January 31st. But the best part?

Designer Blog is

GIVING AWAY THREE BLOG DESIGN GIFT CERTIFICATES of $30, $50 and $70!!!

Doesn't just one of those certificates have my name on it? Oh, yes, you can order, too, but ~~i'm really pulling for me to win, not you....just kidding~~ you have to go and leave an entry at their blog.

So, hit the button above and go visit them. Really, i promise that you won't be sorry!

The Flower Girl...

2010-12-30T19:44:00.002-06:00

It was hard to call Emma the "Flower Girl". I wanted to call her the "Flower Child" (yeah, i know, that doesn't work) or the "Flower Baby" but none of those fit. I kept hearing my voice scream in my head "But she's NOT a Flower GIRL! She's a Flower BABY!"

But looking at these photos, well, you can see that she isn't a Flower Baby. She's not even a Flower Toddler ~~no matter how hard i try to convince myself that she is 'maybe' a Flower Toddler~~.

The truth is, Emma was the very pretty Flower Girl at Haley and Mike's wedding.

Haley is the oldest daughter of one of my best friends, Janice and her husband, Burt. Mike, the groom, is in the military, who after a tour or two in Afghanistan, is now stationed in New York. Haley, bless her heart, has never really driven in the snow or has ever really been too far away from her little town home. It is fun to see their lives start together and to see how they and their families have come together to know and love each other.

But back to the Flower ~~Child~~ Girl....

I was worried that Emma would be "the" reason that folks remembered Haley and Mike's wedding. Because, face it, at 3 1/2, well, being a Flower Girl can be a lot of stress. But Haley and Mike's wedding will be fondly remembered in years to come due to a very, very beautiful bride, a handsome groom and the love that they have for each other. The love from their family and friends surrounded them on their day. It truly was a beautiful day for Haley and Mike and their families.

And that's just how a pretty wedding in a little country church in Georgia should be remembered.

NOTE: Only two photos of the above were taken by me (the one of Emma and Robert walking away and her eating a snack). The others were taken by Lauren Sanders and Melinda Ragan.

Ways to be...

2010-12-29T10:27:00.000-06:00

...more like Emma.

1. Giggle in your sleep. A lot.

2. Sing. Any time. Any where. And at the top of your lungs.

3. Say "wuff you" for no reason.

4. Remember to bless the "twress" and "da sun" during your prayers.

5. Slurp your milk while eating cereal because "it so gooob". Ask others (who you don't know, btw) to also slurp their milk.

6. Run around in your panties as often as your mother will let you.

7. Kiss your toys often and with mushy kisses. Lick your Mom with kisses.

8. Ask for Cheerios so you can look through the Cheerio hole and scream "I see you!"

9. Ask to see "Ms. Jwanice" and "Msss. JoJo" at least a hundred times a day.

10. Ask to go home often, because you miss your 'stuff'.