Hanging on...

....by a thread with this toddler of mine. I have looked forward to every stage with Emma, but this almost three-year old stage, may make me into a hard drinking woman (which is kinda ironic, because i haven't drank a mixed drink since Christmas of 2008 when my sister was here and she drove me to drink).

Yesterday was one of those days when you want to leave your Mommy name-badge at the front door and hide under a rock. It was that bad. In fact, it was more that 'bad'. It was closer to 'terrible' or 'hellish'.

In fact, i think that hell for a Mommy is probably run by a two-year old devil...but that's another story.

Yesterday was a school day. Emma is thrilled and happy. She sings all of the way to school like i do, because, hey, i'm happy she's going to school, too. When i pick her up, her teacher, Ms. Amanda, says to me "Emma didn't take a nap today...but she had a wonderful day!" (Just a quick note: Emma doesn't hit in school. Apparently, that is saved just for me!)

My heart sinks...no nap?

oy...i'm in trouble. I know she will be cranky. I know that she will be less-than fun.

Nap time is a struggle here. So, we've moved to "quiet time" if you want to call jumping on your crib like a trampoline quiet time so it will be just like her school days. Emma chooses not to nap at school, either, instead choosing to take off her socks and shoes and play with her "cwute toes"--->she really does say that in school. No nap makes for a very, very, VERY grumpy toddler by 5pm. So, bedtime has moved up and we start our bedtime ritual at 5:30pm after dinner.

Emma is already rubbing her eyes by the time she and i finish dinner.

We put pjs on, go potty, we read together, play with her little animals, say our prayers....

...and the throwing of little animals, screaming, and the hitting begins.

Hitting has been a problem before, but had stopped with the early bed time. I know that it's because she's tired. I know that. But i wish i could stop it. She knows that hitting is wrong. Emma tells me all of the time that hitting is wrong and hurts. She tells me all of the time that she should not hit.

Usually, i am able to get Emma into bed without being a target before the throwing, screaming and hitting starts. Last night? I wasn't so lucky. I was hit twice. Hard. In the face.

Robert was in the room with us. I gently put Emma in the crib, which i could barely see from my tears. I turned, and started to walk out of the room, just in time to hear Robert tell her in his stern Father-like voice that "she does not hit Mommy", and "No, she cannot have a bagel". I didn't hear anything else as i went to my bedroom, climbed into bed, covered myself up with all of my favorite blankets and cried big, hockin' snotty tears, feeling like i would never, ever figure out this Mommy thing. I finally fell asleep...

I know it was just a bad day and that every single mother has them. But it was just a really bad day for both of us. Every mother wants to be a good mother and to be able to be the type of mother that her child needs. Last night, i felt that i would never be that mother...that i really had no clue and had no idea what i was doing.

This morning, all seems well. Emma is happily coloring as i type this, last night seems all forgotten for her. We are on a even more strict routine now; perhaps that will help. If not, just for today, i have a mini-bag of M&Ms stashed for me to make me feel a little better....