Parenting....

 

...is like nailing jello to a tree.

I wonder if any first time parent understands parenting. I've read the parenting books. I've taken notes. Heck, i've even memorized quite a few things that i think are important. But honestly? Those books really haven't helped too much. In fact, i don't know if they have helped at all. Which is amazing because those books were written by really smart folks. I wonder if those folks actually had children?

Don't misunderstand me....the technical stuff, how to see if your child has a fever, when teeth will show up, or when you should let them eat honey, is really good stuff. And pretty much on the mark. But the other stuff?

Not so much.

It's almost like parenting is a on-the-job-training thing. No book, no amount of advice, no Internet searches can ever make you feel like you have a freakin' clue to what you are doing. Because, really, you want to do this right. It's the most important and amazing job you'll ever have and how you do it, well, truly will effect the outcome of your child.
You don't want to "damage" your child by my your ability not to have a clue. It's a huge responsibility.

I worry constantly about being a Mom. I mean, CONSTANTLY.

C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T.L.Y.

Am i doing this right? Why is she upset? Why is she crying? Why is she eating dirt? Am i doing this right? Why isn't she potty trained all of the way yet? Why doesn't she like carrots? Why doesn't she like shoes? Why is she crying? Is she mad? Is she happy? Am i doing this right? Why does she try to eat the plastic sweet peas and eggplant in her kitchen set? Is something wrong with her? Is there something wrong with me? Is she sleeping? Is she breathing? Am i doing this right? Does she understand me? Is she ignoring me? Is that a bruise on her arm? Is she hurt? Or is that bruise cancer? Why is she upset? Why is she crying? Did she just eat glue? Is she too cold? Is she too hot? Is she hungry? Am i doing this right? Why does she smell everything?!?!

You get the picture.

I so want to just relax. To breathe and enjoy these moments of parenting. To be confident in my ability to be a good Mom. But this being a Mommy-gig is sometimes the hardest thing i've ever done. Nothing has ever tested me, made me question myself, made me laugh at myself, made me loose my patience, and make me question my sanity more than becoming a Mommy has. No wonder my parents would smirk at me when i acted like i knew it all. They knew the truth....i knew nothing. I didn't have a clue and they couldn't wait till i figured that out!

Emma is smart, funny, intelligent....and a challenge some days.

And truly, i wouldn't have it any other way.

Really.

I just wish that i had a clue on how i was doing. That's all. Maybe like a hint? Some days, i think that i'm the most brilliant Mommy that ever walked. Other days, i'm ready to turn in my Mommy badge. I wonder if my Mother ever worried about this stuff? I wonder if other Mommies worry about this kinda stuff?

ah, i hear my little tot now....

....she is coming towards me, wearing a pair of pants on her head, singing, completely naked, holding Pachi.

Yep, i wonder if i'm doing a good job? :)