Life at 45...

 

Today is my 45th birthday.

It's a big day for me in so many ways. I've always loved my birthdays, as i've always seen in as the one day that is "mine". But turning 45 this year, well, it's a sort of milestone birthday for me.

First off, i now have to check the "other" box when i'm asked for my age. Which really isn't a big deal most days, but kinda sucks if i'm really honest about it. Maybe it's because i had envisioned where I thought that i would be much differently than where i am.

But really, that's the best part.

I didn't think that i would be married to a man that loves me the way my husband loves me. I didn't think that i would have a daughter. I didn't think that i would be lucky enough to be a stay-at-home Mommy. I didn't think that i would have wonderful friends. I didn't think that i would have any of this.

I really didn't think, at one point, that i would be around at 45.

Except for those two or three friends that know my dark secrets, my first marriage wasn't the best place for me to be. In fact, that first marriage wasn't a good place for anyone to be. That time in my life, i wanted to hide, to run away.

Only, there was no place to run to.

My faith was gone. I may have been taken to my knees, but it wasn't to pray. Surely there was no God, because if there was, he would know the danger i was in and would rescue me from it. Couldn't He see what was going on? Didn't He care? Why wasn't He doing something? Anything? And so i stopped praying.

I didn't pray for a very, very long time. I was certain that there was no way out of where i was. I wasn't strong enough to leave. I didn't know how to leave. I would stay until the end. And i was certain that the end would come.

Only recently have i realized that God was there the entire time, waiting patiently for me to come back to Him. He needed me to come back just as much as i needed to come back.

After one, very dark night, i did come back to Him.

Life for me changed shortly thereafter. The marriage that i was so fearful to leave, that i thought i would never be strong enough to leave, fell apart when my husband at that time left.

And i was rescued. I was saved.

By Him.

I held up my part of my bargain from that dark night. I would do my best to be a blessing to others. I would pray again. I would look for others who needed help and help; but i preferred them not to know it was me who helped. I would be kind to others. I would pray for others.

And i did.

Birthdays had new meaning for me.

A few years after this, i met Robert. I'll save you from the mushy part, but i knew that he was an honorable man, a man of character and morals. A man who fell in love with me, and me with him.

Soon after that, my mother became ill.

I tried my best not to be angry with God. Really, hadn't enough happened to me? Did he accidentally make a mistake? Why was this happening? My mother? Surely, i remember thinking, there were others who "deserved" to be so desperately ill, but not my mother.

Yeah, i like to think that i know it all.

Someone once told me that God placed Robert in my life at the time when i needed someone the most: when my Mom became sick. I think that sounds right...

My Mom eventually passed away.

But this time, i didn't stop praying. I did get angry, but i never stopped praying. Because i knew, i knew, that He was watching over my Mom, my sister and myself.

I knew it.

And birthdays had even more meaning. Each year, each day, each minute is a gift.

Now, at 45, i have all of the things i truly thought that i would never have.

A family.

A sweet husband.

A amazing daughter.

I'm a mother.

Yep, 45 for me, may not be the place that i had planned for me, but the reality is so much better. I may feel that i'm swimming on dry land some days, but it's a good place to be.

I'm thankful to be here.

It's kinda looking like Fall....

 

 

 

 

...except, maybe for all of this heat that is lingering. But the mornings are crisper and the nights are somewhat cooler so that must mean that Fall is on it's way for us.

Which leads us to our Fall Project at the ol' homestead: A Butterfly Garden for Emma. Yep, we are going to work on this project in the upcoming days. We are off to a good start: we went to Bates Nursery this past weekend to get some butterfly bushes and to chase their doggy around for this project. Emma loves going to Bates. Heck, "I" love going to Bates! If you've not been out to see them, really, it is so worth the trip. They have an amazing bunch of folks who know their dirt.

Hehee....get it? "Know their dirt"?!?!

I just kill me some days...

We left with 4 big ol' Butterfly bushes. I've also managed to get a hold on some beautiful daylillies and some Autumn Sedum. And there are plans for a bench. Because ya gotta have a bench in a butterfly garden, you know? I'm sure that a bird feeder will be added, too.

All that's left to do is dig.

I'll leave that to Robert.

He's the farmer in our family.

Besides, there might be worms or something out there and, well, you know how i feel about them....

Everyone needs a Pachi....

Not feeling....

 

...well. Emma is fighting off a cough, fever and now, her voice has changed as of last night. I am hoping that when she wakes up, she'll be back to her funny, cute self!

Missing.....

 

...my Mama.

I expected to always miss her, but not like this. I didn't expect to desperately wish to hear her voice. I didn't expect to 'talk' to her as much as i do. I didn't expect to continually ask God to please watch over her, to let her know that i miss her so very much.

Instead of missing her less, as days go by, i miss her even more.

I miss her calling me on my birthday and singing "Happy Birthday" to me in Spanish. I miss her rice pudding. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her Spanish Rice. I miss her smell of Chanel No. 5.

I miss everything about her.

Because it's good....

 

 

 

 

...to be clean after an afternoon of chasing bugs, catching bugs, playing on the slide, running, singing and playing in the grass. A perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon with your Daddy because i was not about to chase, catch or touch ANY bug playing.

Instead of playing, what did i do? sigh....

It seems that every year, on 9/11, i spend the day rooted in front of the History Channel, watching documentaries on that day. I usually end up in tears. I, like many Americans, remember that day so vividly. I remember exactly what i was doing. I remember staring at the TV in stunned silence. I remember tears. I remember watching the second plane hit the other tower. I remember the people of New York, who i though were the toughest folks, running to safety and helping others who had fallen or couldn't run. I watched all of this alone, in my little house in Athens, and for the first time, i was truly scared for our country. And i remember the towers falling, first one, then later, the other, into a massive pile of rubble, taking so many lives with them. I remember praying, out loud for people i didn't know, and their families, asking God to please be there for them, to not let anyone feel alone.

The news of the other two planes came. And i just stood there, in the same spot in my living room, watching. Wanting to do something, ANYTHING, and not knowing what to do to help. More lives lost. And i continued to stand there, stunned, watching that day unfold in front of me, wanting to do something and doing nothing. Nothing but praying....which looking back, was probably the best thing for me to do. I prayed for the folks in the planes. I prayed for the folks in the towers. I prayed for the Pentagon. I prayed for the wives, husbands and children of these folks. I prayed as hard as i could....and yet so many folks lost their lives. I like to think that God was with each one of these folks who lost their lives and looking after the ones they left behind.

I think that it's perhaps time to start a new 'tradition' on 9/11. Perhaps cooking/baking for our little town's Firemen or First Responders as a way to say "Thank you for all you do". In all honesty, i don't think that we think about these amazing folks till we need them. These folks run into danger when many of us are trying to figure a way to run away from danger. It takes a special man/woman to do that job. Somehow, baking something to say 'thank you' doesn't seem like enough, but it's somewhere for a Mommy to start.

I have always loved firemen. I don't know why. Maybe it's the uniform. But they have always been 'cool' to me since the age of around 5 when i decided i wanted to be one. Then i realized, in later years, that they did more than just save little kittens from trees. They actually RUN into fires! Nope, i knew then that i wasn't brave enough to be a Fireman. I was scared of the dark, for heaven's sake. No, i wasn't brave enough, but i was thankful that there were men and women who were brave enough to do the hard, scary things that i wasn't brave enough to do.

Once, while i was in college, my most-loved little vehicle, my Mazda, caught on fire while i was in it. The engine caught on fire and i sat, in the car, with my seat belt on, staring at the fire, while the fire got bigger and bigger. Luckily for me, a fire truck was returning from somewhere and saw me. One of them, came running towards my car, as i sat there like a bump on a log, watching the fire. I had the doors in my car locked. The fireman kept hitting my window till i finally paid attention to him, unlocked my car door and he then got my seat belt off and pulled me out. A few minutes later, my little car was completely in flames.

Fireman also help hysterical Mommies when they accidentally lock their little child in their car in the garage. Yeah, that really happened. What can i say? I'm a first time Mommy!

So, next year, 9/11 will be different for me. No more History Channel on that day. No more wishing i could do something or sit there, wishing i could find a way to say how grateful i am for what they do. I will find some way to say "Thank you" to these brave folks...

Photo Thursday....

All of these photos were taken on Labor Day...with my AWESOME new lens.

That Cannon lens rocks.

Really, it does.

It's a....

 

...toilet paper roll octopus!

Kinda cute, eh?

Letting Go...

I knew that this was going to be a problem.

But i had no idea just how big of a problem i would have with it.

I do understand that my 'job' is to get Emma ready for the world. To get her ready to strike out on her own with self esteem and all of the tools that she needs to be a happy and successful young woman.

I just didn't realize that this "striking out on her own" would happen at the tender age of three.

Emma has done well at the school she is at. The school is at a not-so nearby church with a MDO and a pre-k class. Emma has fallen in love with her teachers and i have become friends with the new director and love the new things that she is introducing. Emma has learned so very much while at this school...and she only went two days a week.

But we toured a new school in nearby Franklin this past Friday that well, was stinkin' amazing. Heck, by the time the tour was over, I wanted to attend this school. There is a computer room, classes for art, music, dance, gymnastics, language and the most awesome playground i think i've ever seen. The teachers we spoke to were so friendly and so open with their answers to the questions we had. The staff was informative. The school is truly amazing.

And i'm 99.5% sure that i'll be talked into letting her go there by Monday night by a husband who truly understands how important education is.

The problem?

Three days a week.

Monday. Wednesday. Friday.

There was a time when i thought that i would jump for joy at the thought of having so much time to myself.

Apparently, this isn't that time.

Emma is outgoing. So much so that she makes me uncomfortable with her ability to make friends so easily. She knows her numbers. She knows her letters. She knows her numbers in Spanish. She knows lots of words in Spanish. She is ready for a school like this.

My head knows this and understands this.

My heart?

Yeah. Let's just say it's not on the same page.

My heart keeps screaming things like:

"She's only THREE! Let's let her be a child for heaven's sake!!"

"There's PLENTY of time for school next year!"

"When are we going to do all of the crafts that i planned?!?"

and my favorite whine....

"I'm not ready for this..."

Truth be known, this isn't about me. It's about Emma. And what's best for her. I could see how excited she was about this school. About the classrooms. About the other children that were there.

When i look at these two photos, taken almost 2 1/2 years apart, i realize how much she has grown. Emma isn't a baby anymore. She's isn't a toddler anymore. She's a little girl. A funny, smart little girl.

Who has a Mom who is hanging on to her, trying to make her stay little longer.

And that's not good for either of us.

Emma's Favorite Photos....

 

 

 

 

Wow...what a week we've had! It's been a busy, busy week so i'm thankful that Labor Day is this weekend and will give us a chance to catch our breath before Emma starts school. Hopefully, we will be able to spend some time at the pool, playing. Because, well, it's fun. And we love fun...especially Emma.

I'm sad to see Summer come to a close. It's been a great summer for Emma and i. We've spent time with friends, swam, done crafts, made new friends, song lots of songs, giggled, played with icky bugs, spent time at the zoo, and picked lots of flowers. This summer has been one of pure joy for me. I've tried to remember to be "in" the moment and leave my worry list on the counter when we play together. One day, hopefully a long way away, Emma will be not so excited to see how crayons will melt in the stove or giggle with me as we crack eggs to see "da ywello" part. Time doesn't stand still when a toddler is growing.

This summer, i also took photos. I took a lot of photos. Many of those photos never see the light of day because they are deleted for whatever reason. One of Emma's favorite things to do is to sit on my lap and pick out her 'favowits' of the photos that we are looking through. This week, these are those 'favowits'.

And yeah, they are my 'favowits', too.