Life at 45...

 

Today is my 45th birthday.

It's a big day for me in so many ways. I've always loved my birthdays, as i've always seen in as the one day that is "mine". But turning 45 this year, well, it's a sort of milestone birthday for me.

First off, i now have to check the "other" box when i'm asked for my age. Which really isn't a big deal most days, but kinda sucks if i'm really honest about it. Maybe it's because i had envisioned where I thought that i would be much differently than where i am.

But really, that's the best part.

I didn't think that i would be married to a man that loves me the way my husband loves me. I didn't think that i would have a daughter. I didn't think that i would be lucky enough to be a stay-at-home Mommy. I didn't think that i would have wonderful friends. I didn't think that i would have any of this.

I really didn't think, at one point, that i would be around at 45.

Except for those two or three friends that know my dark secrets, my first marriage wasn't the best place for me to be. In fact, that first marriage wasn't a good place for anyone to be. That time in my life, i wanted to hide, to run away.

Only, there was no place to run to.

My faith was gone. I may have been taken to my knees, but it wasn't to pray. Surely there was no God, because if there was, he would know the danger i was in and would rescue me from it. Couldn't He see what was going on? Didn't He care? Why wasn't He doing something? Anything? And so i stopped praying.

I didn't pray for a very, very long time. I was certain that there was no way out of where i was. I wasn't strong enough to leave. I didn't know how to leave. I would stay until the end. And i was certain that the end would come.

Only recently have i realized that God was there the entire time, waiting patiently for me to come back to Him. He needed me to come back just as much as i needed to come back.

After one, very dark night, i did come back to Him.

Life for me changed shortly thereafter. The marriage that i was so fearful to leave, that i thought i would never be strong enough to leave, fell apart when my husband at that time left.

And i was rescued. I was saved.

By Him.

I held up my part of my bargain from that dark night. I would do my best to be a blessing to others. I would pray again. I would look for others who needed help and help; but i preferred them not to know it was me who helped. I would be kind to others. I would pray for others.

And i did.

Birthdays had new meaning for me.

A few years after this, i met Robert. I'll save you from the mushy part, but i knew that he was an honorable man, a man of character and morals. A man who fell in love with me, and me with him.

Soon after that, my mother became ill.

I tried my best not to be angry with God. Really, hadn't enough happened to me? Did he accidentally make a mistake? Why was this happening? My mother? Surely, i remember thinking, there were others who "deserved" to be so desperately ill, but not my mother.

Yeah, i like to think that i know it all.

Someone once told me that God placed Robert in my life at the time when i needed someone the most: when my Mom became sick. I think that sounds right...

My Mom eventually passed away.

But this time, i didn't stop praying. I did get angry, but i never stopped praying. Because i knew, i knew, that He was watching over my Mom, my sister and myself.

I knew it.

And birthdays had even more meaning. Each year, each day, each minute is a gift.

Now, at 45, i have all of the things i truly thought that i would never have.

A family.

A sweet husband.

A amazing daughter.

I'm a mother.

Yep, 45 for me, may not be the place that i had planned for me, but the reality is so much better. I may feel that i'm swimming on dry land some days, but it's a good place to be.

I'm thankful to be here.