Unconditional

 

As a romantic at heart, i often dreamed of "unconditional" love. You know, finding that ONE "special" someone who loved you no matter what. Who loved you on your rotten days, who loved you on your bad hair days, who loved you when you dressed dorky, who loved you when you weren't especially lovable....who loved you, and loved you no matter what. Most of these romantic type of thoughts happened for me when i was in my late teens and early twenties....i'm sure that it all started with Snow White and Co. stories~you know, the "Someday-The-Handsome-Prince-Will-Come" and love me, save me and take care of me forever more. And really, at that age that i was at, heck, i thought that WAS what unconditional love was all about. The truth be told, i always knew assumed that it would be a man who loved me this way. Imagine my great surprised when i figured out i was wrong...

(I can do a WHOLE blog post on my poor choices in men, btw, if anyone is interested!)

Now, at the age of 40-something-ish (yeah, yeah, i'm 43 but that's another post) i've finally realized something about unconditional love, and what it really is, how it feels when you figure out that someone actually did love you this way, and the one person in my life who loved me in that way. Of course, i didn't appreciate it during that time, nor did i really understand the concept of unconditional love but that is usually the case. Immaturity, self-centeredness and more self-selfishness seemed to make up most of my personality while growing up. It truly was 'all' about me growing up and entering adulthood.

The really interesting thing about this? I've spoken to three other women who have figured out who in their life has loved them unconditionally, too....and it's the same figure in ALL of our lives. Who is that person? Who was/is that person in my life?

My Mother.

I think that that i first realized the morning that my Mom passed away that no one would EVER love me like she loved me. No one. And that no one would come close to loving me the way she did. No matter what--whether she was miffed at something stupid i had done, or when i decided that i should get my ears pierced for the third time, or when i came home late--she loved me. She loved me with her whole heart even if i wasn't lovable. When i hurt, she hurt and would try to fix it. When i was happy, she would be happy with me and celebrate my happiness. When i was sad, she would make me better. When my first boyfriend broke my heart, she held me while i cried. When many years later, a handsome military man i loved dearly, broke my heart, she held me again while i cried, telling me that i would be okay but that it would leave a scar and that was okay. My Mom was my biggest cheerleader, my example of how to be a mother and as i grew up, she became my friend.

Even though i realized that my Mom loved me in this way, well, i didn't understand why. I certainly wasn't the most lovable child around. I guess i just figured that she did love me the most and that was it. I didn't realize till Emma came into my life and i became a first time mother just how much this woman loved me, why she loved me and just how much i lost the day she passed away.

How much did she love me? More than any person ever has....and with a no-holds barred kind of love that defines the words "unconditional love".

Why did she love me the way she did? I think for her, i was her oldest daughter and she and i were alone for many years after i was born. My Dad was in the military and gone a lot so i became, i think, her 'purpose'. At that time in my very young life, i only spoke Spanish like she did so i'm sure that bonded us, too. And, i'm sure, like most mothers, she didn't want me to make the same mistakes in life that she had made in hers.

~What did i lose when she died? The one person who i could call at any time with any problem who would totally stop what she was doing (no matter what she was doing), listen to me and try to give me advice with my best interest at heart. No agenda...she truly wanted what was best for me. Although she wasn't verbal about love till she became very sick, i always felt her love. She showed me how she loved me in how she took care of me, hugged me, cooked for me, and how she would call me every other day when i left home to "check" on me. How i miss those phone calls!

I also lost the one person who truly knew me and my history.....and loved me in spite of my history.

How i want to call her when i have questions about being a Mother to Emma! I want to know what she did with me when i acted in a certain way. I wanted to know if she ever felt like running away from home. I want to know how to raise a little girl like she raised me. I want to know how to love a daughter without smothering her. I want to know how important cooking is for Emma to learn. I want to know what she did when i wouldn't nap. I want to know why my Paella doesn't taste like hers. I want to know if she just ever held me and said prayers over me to keep me safe like i do with Emma. I want to know if she ever looked at me with the same type of amazement, wonder and joy that i look at Emma with. And i want her to tell me that she taught me well and that yes, i'm a good Mom.

My Mom never got to meet Emma.....she passed away 7 months before Emma came home when i was still in the process of figuring out agencies, etc. She never got to see Emma's referral photos, or tell me how beautiful Emma was. She never got to be excited for me that i had finally, finally figured my life out and that i was going to be a Mother. She never got to actually 'see' me be a Mother. And she never got to be Emma's grandmother. How Emma would have loved her!

Emma is named after her birth mother's Mother (who had also passed away) and my Mother...it seemed fitting to name her after these two women. She knows who 'abeula' is and points at her photo often and says: Hi, Abuela! in her cute little voice. It warms my heart to see her do this....

...and it reminds me how i've come full-circle because i now love a little girl just as much as my Mother loved me.