"Do you know what you're doing"?

"Do you know what you're doing?" a voice whispered in my ear.

It is a question that through my life i've heard whispered in my ear. Usually in times of self doubt is when i hear this question and it's usually followed with the "Are you smart enough to know what you're doing?" and many other self defeating questions usually follow. I usually have been able to talk myself through these moments and through the years, the questions was whispered to me less. As i was growing up, this question was whispered to me when i tried something new or when i was trying to learn something. It was a loud question in my college years and of course, for my first heartache of a marriage that ended in a painful divorce. The question gradually faded over the last ten years or so but of course, since becoming a Mommy, that question has once again reared it's ugly head.

The questions is often whispered to me in the early morning hours when my little daughter wakes up in tears and i'm not quite sure what to do or what's wrong. It happens when i realize that i've been following her as she toddles around our overly baby protected home like "Super-Duper Mommy" wiping out any foreseen danger that could be lurking in the shadows. The question is whispered again to me as i hold her in the doctor's office as she gets her shots and she cries and i cry with her. And of course, the question is whispered to me when i make a mistake like accidentally locking my daughter in my car in our garage and the fire department shows up to free her and comfort me or when i feed her too fast and she spits it back at me.

"Do you know how to be a Mommy?" the voice now asks me.

I've wanted to scream back at that voice, "Of course not. Of course i don't know how to be a Mommy. Do i look like i know how to be a Mommy? I don't have MY Mommy anymore, so of course i don't know how to be a Mommy because i don't have my Mommy to ask anymore!"

Mommyhood isn't for the faint of heart, i've learned. Only the toughest Mommies survive. Mommyhood is facing your deepest, darkest faults (you know, those faults that you hate to even admit to yourself that you have?) as you try to do be a better Mommy, reading any and every possible book on how to be a Mommy, silently watching how other Mommies be Mommies to their children, sneaking into bedrooms late at night to place a hand softly on a babies back to make sure that they are breathing and loving a child more than you ever possibly thought you could ever love anything. And it's also realizing that the little child loves YOU more than you ever thought anyone could love you.

My daughter is now 14 months old and i still hear this question being whispered in my ear. It's been the best year of my life and the scariest year of my life. I've learned things about myself that i didn't know and i'm learning things about my little daughter that i'll continue to learn as she grows. Maybe it's okay to hear that voice ask that question because i think that i may finally have an answer to "Do you know what you're doing?" and the more persistent question "Do you know how to be a Mommy?"

My answer is this: "No, i don't always know what i'm doing. But i do know this, i will do the best job possible with this little one that God has entrusted me with. I'll do what i think is right in my heart and love this child with all my heart". I do understand that this child is on 'loan' to me from God and while she's with me, it's my job to be the best Mommy that i can be. She's my child, yes, but she's first and foremost God's child. And you know, He picked me to be her Mommy. He picked me. He could have picked someone else, but He picked me. And my life is so much more blessed and my soul is so much more filled with love than i ever thought possible.

And it's all because i'm Emma's Mommy.

Happy First Mother's Day to me! :)