My husband has been planning a trip to play in a poker tournament for a while. I was fine with it; he took Thursday off to stay home with Emma and i and to run my Honda into the shop for maintenance. Robert is a very good poker player but rarely plays in tournament because of work and well, he doesn't want to leave Emma. He asked me for us to go as a family, but going to a poker tournament with a now walking one year old just didn't seem wise. He left very late Thursday night after we had put Emma to bed. It has done nothing but rain (and rain very hard since then, so Emma and i have stayed in.) While i'm thrilled that it was raining as our area had water shortages last summer, i was ready for it to stop! ;)
It's now Saturday morning...i have my second WW meeting to attend in 15 minutes and i have a meeting with an adoption group whose board i recently joined early this afternoon. I also wanted to go to the mall to walk, go to Target for some photo frames and maybe have lunch at Subway with little Emma. It was going to be a Mommy and Emma day! I woke up early, did my treadmill, ate breakfast, got my little one up and dressed and fed-and out the door we went! Heck, we were even running a little early! How often does THAT happen?
Get to the garage...get Emma in her car seat and i hop in with my car keys. Only my key for the Honda is MISSING. IT'S NOT ON MY KEY CHAIN. I keep staring at it, wondering what the heck?? I continue to stare at it, waiting for my key to magically appear. It doesn't, of course. And then it slowly dawns on me: my husband has taken the car key off my key ring when he took my Honda in for it's maintenance. I call him...and he replies "Are you sure?" Am i sure???? Is he kidding??? And then this "You can always call Enterprise, sweetie, they will bring a car to you!". I sit there in disbelief and tell him, no, i'm not calling Enterprise or asking a neighbor to help me because it's pouring rain. I tell him i have to go because i know that i am angry. And don't know why. I don't want to say anything that i can't take back. It was an accident, he didn't mean to take my key off and not replace it. I know this. So why am i so angry??
I unbuckle Emma and we go back upstairs. I'm in tears. I said i wouldn't miss a meeting. I said that i would attend the board meeting. I HATE not doing the things i commit to. I HATE not doing the things that i say i'll do. I was looking forward to this WW meeting (i lost 5 POUNDS this week on dear Betsy the scale and wanted to stand in front of someone else to show off-how funny am i?), i was looking forward to working with the women on this adoption board. I am stuck here till Sunday when hubby gets home. I am stuck in the house. I feel like a caged woman (Mommy).
I cry hot tears...and i realize that it's more than that. Since being married i've tried to do all of the things i'm suppose to do. I do it out of love; after a horrible first marriage, i realize how important it is to do your part and to give all that you can possibly give. Since being a Mommy, i have done the same thing. I have taken care of both my husband and daughter-every day in every way that i possibly can and i've done a good job. And i feel truly blessed and have loved doing it. But every now and again, well, i miss my prior life. I miss working at my old job (i loved my job), i miss thinking only about me, i miss sleeping in, i miss going to a gym anytime i want, i miss spending 'my' money (how shallow is that? sigh....my husband is more than generous) and not "our" money, i miss my old house that i worked so hard on to fix, i miss my garden, i miss my work friends, i miss long, long showers where i can shave BOTH legs instead of just one leg, i miss manicures, i miss pedicures, i miss volunteering with Habitat, i miss getting in my car with only my purse and singing to rock music at the top of my lungs, and i miss eating cereal for dinner.
I know that i am beyond blessed....but i realize sitting here that it's okay to miss these things. I fought so hard to be independent after my first marriage, to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I did very well financially at work and i had made a nice home for myself by working very hard at fixing it up. I would NEVER trade what i have now for what i have then....
...but every now and again, i miss my old life. And that, i realize now, is okay.
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