Missing My Mom....

I often wonder why i am so insistent on recording every part of our lives with Emma. I have a private blog with letters and photos to her; Robert has a private blog for her (which is full of funny stories about me learning to be a Mommy, btw...) and i take so many photos of Emma that i sometimes feel like the baby-stalker. Poor Emma isn't safe from the camera anywhere....not even the bath tub! I do enjoy the taking of the photos and the blogs, but it has finally dawned on me why i want such a record of our lives.

Should something happen to me, there will be a 'record' if you will of how much i love this child and how happy we are as a family. She'll know that she loves to play peek-a-boo with me, that water is something fun to splash in, that she loves strawberries, that she hates green beans, that balloons bring uncontrollable shrieks of laughter from her, how she cuddles with me before bed, how she loves for her Daddy to 'get the baby belly', how a ride on his shoulders is great fun and most of all, how our daily lives are. That way, if something should happen to me, for the most part, she'll have all of the answers she may have wanted to ask me or know.

I have so many questions for my Mom. I was blessed to have her for 41 years-but becoming a Mommy makes me want to ask so many more questions. Like, what did she do when i wouldn't go to sleep? How did she handle getting a child (me) off the bottle? Did she take me to the park? Did i like the park? What did she like most about being a Mom? What did she like least? What do you do when a child poops in the bathtub? (other than think "What's that? OMG, IT'S POOP!!!") So many questions that i'll never be able to ask, so many questions that i wish i was able to ask. We just ran out of time....

I think that when you loose a mother, you really do change forever. A part of me is missing...but a part of my Mom is with me. But that doesn't take away the loneliness of missing her, of not being able to call her and hear her voice, to see her play with my daughter, to ask her if i'm doing things a Mommy does right. I miss her so much some days that my heart aches and tears still flow freely. Instead of missing her less as time goes by, i find myself missing her so much more. Instead of the ache in my heart healing, it feels as if it will never heal.

I have a photo of her hanging on the refrigerator and little Emma will point to it and say 'abuela'. I also have a framed photo of her in my room and little Emma will stand below it and point to the photo. I'll pick her up so she can get a better look and she takes her little finger and points to my Mom....in all of the photos. And i tell her "Yes, that's abuela...oh, how she would have loved you!"

I know that my Mom "sees" us...but i wish for so much more. I wish for more holidays with her, for more visits, for more phone calls from her singing ¡Feliz Navidad! to me, for just more time with her. It's a constant reminder how not to take time with family for granted~you never really know how much time you really have. I try to say the 'i-love-yous' and give all the hugs i can because in the end, that's what you truly remember the most.

In the end, the connections that you make with your family are what you remember the most....