And It All Starts With Me....

Can i use the times that i run to the bathroom daily as an exercise? Especially since i have to keep my little daughter in site while i'm running to the bathroom? It takes talent, you know, to hold the door open with one leg while your pants are around your ankles and use the other arm to stop the same dear daughter from pulling all the toilet paper off the roll AND pee all at the same time (and actually pee INTO the toilet, btw). Surely there are extra exercise points in that scene, right? ;)

Thing are going well....scary well. I am now at 179 as of this morning. While thrilled, i'm nervous. Nervous because i want this, i want to be healthy, nervous because i've lost weight before and it's come back like a bad boyfriend (or ex-husband, lol...), nervous because i can't figure out what is different this time to have gotten me to where i am now. I started out at about 240 almost 2 years ago...it's been a SLOW road. Slow mostly because of ME....i do well, i stall, i putter....i start again....i do well, i stall, i putter, i start AGAIN. I suppose there is something to be said for never giving up, lol. This time, the only thing difference that i can see is that i have Emma and she has been more incentive than i've ever had. I do not want to pass along how i feel about my body to this little girl. I don't want her to ever think that she's not special or wanted because of the way she "thinks" she looks.

It's never been about being in a two piece bathing suit for me. Really, it hasn't. It's never been about being a size 2. It's not even about being pretty-whatever that is. It HAS been about being tired of feeling like a wall flower (like i could possibly be a wallflower at my size, lol...) and not being comfortable when i looked in the mirror. It HAS been about looking in the mirror and wondering "Who IS that woman?" and not having an answer. And it HAS been about not looking in the mirror at all because i'm so heartbroken at what i saw. It's REALLY been about not truly, truly liking myself. And all because i was overweight.

How is it possible to dislike yourself so much?

And so....i'm trying a new approach for that.

I'm going to get naked in front of a mirror and list all of the things i hate (it may take a while....) and then, dang it, i'm going to list all of the things that counter those things that i hate.

Lucky for all those reading, lol, i've already done this.

What i HATE when i look: My chin (there is a second one peeking at me), my nose, my jiggly arms, my boobs (how in the world did they get, oh, never mind...) my pudge stomach, my chubby inner thighs.

What i should see: My chin is a strong chin, my nose isn't so bad, my jiggly arms are STRONG, my boobs, well, at least i have some, my stomach holds me up and really, is alot smaller and my outer legs are STRONG and are getting better at that dang treadmill....and so is my rear.

I am getting healthy...i am. I need to realize that i am a work (and geeze, really hard work, too...) in progress. I didn't get to be overweight in a day, a month or even a year. It was a long period of not doing the things that i should have been doing. Things like not eating the right thing, not drinking water. Things that i am doing now....and things that i reaffirm to myself every time i look at my daughter. There aren't any options this time to not do what i know that i need to do. I have to lead by example...i have to.

It is my duty as a Mommy to help my daughter be healthy and happy with who she is. It's up to me to teach her about good food choices and the benefits of exercise. And i can't teach it if i don't believe it for me.

It all starts with me......