Happy First Valentines Day!

I haven't always loved Valentine's Day. In fact, i use to the be anti-Valentine Girl....i always felt after getting out of college that Valentine's Day was just a way for Hallmark to make more money because after all, who wouldn't buy a card for someone they loved? What kind of person didn't buy Valentine Day Cards? It was a money making scam, i decided...

But growing up, well, i loved it. And i now know why....because of my Mom. She would make 'special' cupcakes or 'special' cookies for that day and they would be waiting for me after i came home from school. Sometimes, she would even bring the cupcakes to school for my class. They were usually chocolate cake with a white fluffy icing with red and white sprinkles on top. Oh, these cupcakes weren't made from a box, either. They were "special", lol. They were so yummy! Even when i got to high school, this 'tradition' continued-and it was a relief to know that even if i didn't have a boyfriend to buy me flowers, my Mom had put flowers in my room the night before and i knew that i there would be cupcakes or cookies waiting for me and my friends.

I wasn't always the best teenager....i was a loner and loved to be alone or read. She would leave me be, but would always let me have the books i wanted and we would read together at the table. It is only now, now that i am much older and a mother myself, that i realize how much this woman must have loved me. We didn't see eye to eye on many, many things but i suppose that most teenage girls and their mothers are like that. But no matter what i did, i knew that she loved me even if i wasn't feeling especially lovable.

I don't have my Mom anymore....but i have many happy memories of her. I remember when i was very little being in awe of her because she was so glamorous, so beautiful. She loved to get dressed up and was always so beautiful in what she wore. I remember her love of jewerly; especially a beautiful blue ring and her pearls. I now have those treasures. I remember her pushing fruits and veggies at me and telling me that water was the best thing for me. I was at a healthy weight all thru school and college because of her. It was on my own, after a horrible, horrible first marriage (that she begged me not to get into, btw) that i gained my weight. Food at that time became my friend and it wasn't a good friend to have. And now, well....you know, here i am.

I am now realizing how much influence her habits had on my life. To be honest, to be helpful to others, to do the best you can do in whatever you do, to be nice to people you don't know, to bring food when you don't know what to say, to send flowers...and to take care of your health. I do all of those well except take care of myself and so this is what i am now working on.

I like to think that she's proud of me, that she sees me in this good marriage to a wonderful, wonderful man and sees me trying to be the best Mommy i can be. And she sees that i'm trying to be healthy a good role model for Emma. Because i am trying; i want Emma to have all of the things that i had and in order for me to do that and to be here for her, well, i have to be healthy.

I have to be.

And yes, there are flowers in Emma's room today. :)