Old Blogs

I found some of my old diaries from college last night that i had packed up and forgotten about. I've had diaries or blogs since high school and love to jot down stuff or ideas or whatever is bothering me. I read through one from when i was 19 years old and in my second year college and you'll never believe what i was worried about as a 19 years old. Go ahead, guess....

Yup....i knew you would guess right. I was worried about my weight.

I was nineteen, 5'5 and 125 pounds.

And i thought that i was fat. More than fat...i used words like "obese".

Is that the most insane thing you've ever read or what???

There was also a photo of me in the book that i had taped in there with all of my "short comings" circled in bright red ink. You know, just in case someone missed what i could see so clearly. It is interesting to me that at nineteen i was worried about my weight. How is it that you don't see yourself as you are when you look into the mirror? Does your mind automatically add 15 pounds to you when you look at you? I was running in college and was running 20 miles a week and thought that i was pathetic (yep, those were my exact words...sigh) that i was having a hard time upping my miles and felt that i wasn't good enough because i couldn't run more. And get this: i was worried that a boy didn't like me or would like me more if i lost some weight.

Of course, now at 42, knowing what i know now, i am sad for me back then. Sad that i wasted precious time even wondering if a boy would like me if i weighed less. Sad that i would list in great detail all of my shortcomings and just for good measure, circle those short comings in bright red ink. And sad because i have a feeling that i'm not the only female college student who has done that...

A few years ago, i threw away my diaries that i kept during my first marriage because they were so painful and heartbreaking to my soul to read.

Now, this particular notebook is headed to the trash, too.

What i have to figure out is how to stop this kind of junk from happening to my daughter. The thing is, i don't know why i thought like this. And i hate that i'm willing to bet that a lot of teenage girls think the same way that i did at nineteen. And that to me, well, is sad. How does this happen? And how can i help stop it from happening to Emma? Where do i even start?

I have to learn how to help my daughter have good self-esteem.

Oh, wait....i guess i should start with me, eh?

So, that's another goal added to my list. To learn to not rip myself apart for what i think are my 'short comings'; to get rid of any and ALL negative self talk that i'm so good at (that's really going to be a challenge, btw); to keep plugging along on my journey by putting one foot in front of the other; to learn to make this healthy quest of mine FUN so i'll stay the course.

And most of all....to just be happy with myself and learn to love and like me. I have so very much good in my life and i know this....but loving myself (or just liking, for heaven's sake) is hard work for me. Geeze, it makes getting on the treadmill look easy!

I guess this is part of taking care of yourself, of your soul, learning to love yourself. So, tonight, to take care of myself, i'm having a bubble bath after Emma is in bed and Robert is sleeping. Just me, bubbles and Emma's duck. :)))