A Conversation

I've never been an overly religious person even though i was raised Catholic and did the whole Catholic school thing. But lately, maybe it's because i'm now a Mommy or maybe it's because of loosing my Mom, well, i'm having conversations with God while on my treadmill.

Of course, in order for these conversations to happen, i have to be ON the treadmill. I have these conversations at other times, like in my car, but these conversations on the treadmill are not interrupted....

Here's a bit of yesterday's conversation seeing how i've not been on the treadmill yet (and that is a whole another blog entry....):

Me: Helllloooo? God??? Guess who?? Are you there? Are you busy? (pant, pant, heaving breathing from being on treadmill) Look!! I'm on the treadmill!!

God: Good Morning, Isabel! So thrilled to see you on the treadmill! I noticed that yesterday you stopped before the time, btw...

Me: You saw that? Oh, yeah, that's right, you see it all, don't you? I need to talk to you about this weight-loss journey thing...

God: Yes? Problems?

Me: Uh, yeah, Lots of them. I was wondering if maybe you could, well, you know, move the scale a bit for me before i smash it into little pieces. And maybe make this treadmill more enjoyable? And while you are at it, i'm trying to run up our three flights of stairs and i'd like to do it without panting like a well, you know...

God: Anything else, dear Isabel? (i detect some sarcasm, but God isn't suppose to use sarcasm, right?)

Me: You are going to make me work for this, aren't you?

God: Isabel, tell me, who got you into this position?

Me: McDonald's?

God: Nice try, try again....

Me: (pant, pant, wheeze) Sigh....i know, i know...me.

God: I gave you a strong body, a strong mind and it is your responsibility to take care of it. Don't abuse the wonderful gift i've given you, Isabel, take care of them.

Me: I'm trying, but sometimes, well, you did part the Red Sea. I know that this is up to me, but sometimes, well, i don't feel like it.

God: Did you like that snow yesterday, btw? That was from me, you know....just enough for you to drag your little daughter outside for a photo op. And Isabel, i know that you don't always feel like it. But that is part of the journey for you. If you need strength, you have Me, you have your husband, your new friends on Spark. Or you could just look at your little daughter. She needs a healthy, fit Mommy to take care of her. Don't short change her or you by not taking care of yourself.

Me: (pant, pant, pant....) I know, i know, you're right. I know that i can do this. I just want it "NOW" not later and i would like the journey to be an easier one. That's wrong, isn't it?

God: Nope, you can want all you want....but this is your life journey. So make it meaningful and do it. And step it up on the treadmill, girl, you can do more than you're doing, you know. And you should really check out the SparkExercise Videos or do some of your tapes. Emma would get a kick out of watching you!

Me: Okay, God....that's enough conversation for today. Thank you for the 'hints'. (wheeze, wheeze....)

God: One last thing....you CAN do this. You know that you can. So do it. Take care of you, do the hard work. And i'll see you here 6 times a week, ready to give you more helpful hints or kick you in the pants when you need it. I promise to look over you, but you have to do the hard work.

Me: Okay....you're right. I can do this and i should kick it up a notch.

God: Btw, get rid of that Easter Candy in the trunk of your car. I would rather you honor Jesus by going to church and not eating those Whopper Robin Eggs.

Me: But, but, but they were on sale at Target! sigh...okay, i'll give them to my neighbor or to Robert to take to work.

God: Have a good day, my Isabel.

Me: You, too....

Now i'm sure that God doesn't take time to 'meet' me on the treadmill every day, but well, i can feel him there. So, i'll keep up my end of this deal and work hard. It IS my journey, afterall....

I have to do this. I have to. Emma is counting on me to be around for the important parts of her life and to be around to love her. And of course, lol, i have to be around to make her teenage years miserable. :)

Words....

Your First Birthday has passed us and yesterday was your One Year Old Doctor visit with Dr. Rothman. You were charming and cute and funny- and here are your measurements: height 28.5 (29%), weight 21 lb 4oz (53%), and your head was 44cm (19%). Dr. Rothman feels that you are doing well and that you are happy so i think that i can relax a little. :) Of course, you were NOT happy about the three shots that the nurse gave you! You Daddy held you as the nurse gave you your shots as your whimpy Mommy stood in the corner, facing the wall with tears in her eyes as you cried. It was a different cry than "i'm hungry"....it was "it hurts" cry that makes my heart ache when i hear it. Thankfully, i don't hear it often....after the nurse was done, your Daddy gave you back to me and i held you as you cried. Your little arms wrapped around my neck, hot tears on your face....i was so upset to see you like this! After we were out of the doctor's office, however, your Daddy put you on his shoulders for a ride where you were then all giggles and smiles...so you were fine.

You are sleeping as i type this, Emma....i look at your first photos with us and i realize that you are no longer my little baby. You are growing into a little toddler....you can say words like "duck", "bee", "daddy", "mama" and yesterday you said "yes" for the first time. I am trying to burn all of these memories in my mind....they are such precious memories. I hope that as you grow you will understand and know how very much we love you.

Love you to the Moon and back....

Mommy

Old Blogs

I found some of my old diaries from college last night that i had packed up and forgotten about. I've had diaries or blogs since high school and love to jot down stuff or ideas or whatever is bothering me. I read through one from when i was 19 years old and in my second year college and you'll never believe what i was worried about as a 19 years old. Go ahead, guess....

Yup....i knew you would guess right. I was worried about my weight.

I was nineteen, 5'5 and 125 pounds.

And i thought that i was fat. More than fat...i used words like "obese".

Is that the most insane thing you've ever read or what???

There was also a photo of me in the book that i had taped in there with all of my "short comings" circled in bright red ink. You know, just in case someone missed what i could see so clearly. It is interesting to me that at nineteen i was worried about my weight. How is it that you don't see yourself as you are when you look into the mirror? Does your mind automatically add 15 pounds to you when you look at you? I was running in college and was running 20 miles a week and thought that i was pathetic (yep, those were my exact words...sigh) that i was having a hard time upping my miles and felt that i wasn't good enough because i couldn't run more. And get this: i was worried that a boy didn't like me or would like me more if i lost some weight.

Of course, now at 42, knowing what i know now, i am sad for me back then. Sad that i wasted precious time even wondering if a boy would like me if i weighed less. Sad that i would list in great detail all of my shortcomings and just for good measure, circle those short comings in bright red ink. And sad because i have a feeling that i'm not the only female college student who has done that...

A few years ago, i threw away my diaries that i kept during my first marriage because they were so painful and heartbreaking to my soul to read.

Now, this particular notebook is headed to the trash, too.

What i have to figure out is how to stop this kind of junk from happening to my daughter. The thing is, i don't know why i thought like this. And i hate that i'm willing to bet that a lot of teenage girls think the same way that i did at nineteen. And that to me, well, is sad. How does this happen? And how can i help stop it from happening to Emma? Where do i even start?

I have to learn how to help my daughter have good self-esteem.

Oh, wait....i guess i should start with me, eh?

So, that's another goal added to my list. To learn to not rip myself apart for what i think are my 'short comings'; to get rid of any and ALL negative self talk that i'm so good at (that's really going to be a challenge, btw); to keep plugging along on my journey by putting one foot in front of the other; to learn to make this healthy quest of mine FUN so i'll stay the course.

And most of all....to just be happy with myself and learn to love and like me. I have so very much good in my life and i know this....but loving myself (or just liking, for heaven's sake) is hard work for me. Geeze, it makes getting on the treadmill look easy!

I guess this is part of taking care of yourself, of your soul, learning to love yourself. So, tonight, to take care of myself, i'm having a bubble bath after Emma is in bed and Robert is sleeping. Just me, bubbles and Emma's duck. :)))

And It All Starts With Me....

Can i use the times that i run to the bathroom daily as an exercise? Especially since i have to keep my little daughter in site while i'm running to the bathroom? It takes talent, you know, to hold the door open with one leg while your pants are around your ankles and use the other arm to stop the same dear daughter from pulling all the toilet paper off the roll AND pee all at the same time (and actually pee INTO the toilet, btw). Surely there are extra exercise points in that scene, right? ;)

Thing are going well....scary well. I am now at 179 as of this morning. While thrilled, i'm nervous. Nervous because i want this, i want to be healthy, nervous because i've lost weight before and it's come back like a bad boyfriend (or ex-husband, lol...), nervous because i can't figure out what is different this time to have gotten me to where i am now. I started out at about 240 almost 2 years ago...it's been a SLOW road. Slow mostly because of ME....i do well, i stall, i putter....i start again....i do well, i stall, i putter, i start AGAIN. I suppose there is something to be said for never giving up, lol. This time, the only thing difference that i can see is that i have Emma and she has been more incentive than i've ever had. I do not want to pass along how i feel about my body to this little girl. I don't want her to ever think that she's not special or wanted because of the way she "thinks" she looks.

It's never been about being in a two piece bathing suit for me. Really, it hasn't. It's never been about being a size 2. It's not even about being pretty-whatever that is. It HAS been about being tired of feeling like a wall flower (like i could possibly be a wallflower at my size, lol...) and not being comfortable when i looked in the mirror. It HAS been about looking in the mirror and wondering "Who IS that woman?" and not having an answer. And it HAS been about not looking in the mirror at all because i'm so heartbroken at what i saw. It's REALLY been about not truly, truly liking myself. And all because i was overweight.

How is it possible to dislike yourself so much?

And so....i'm trying a new approach for that.

I'm going to get naked in front of a mirror and list all of the things i hate (it may take a while....) and then, dang it, i'm going to list all of the things that counter those things that i hate.

Lucky for all those reading, lol, i've already done this.

What i HATE when i look: My chin (there is a second one peeking at me), my nose, my jiggly arms, my boobs (how in the world did they get, oh, never mind...) my pudge stomach, my chubby inner thighs.

What i should see: My chin is a strong chin, my nose isn't so bad, my jiggly arms are STRONG, my boobs, well, at least i have some, my stomach holds me up and really, is alot smaller and my outer legs are STRONG and are getting better at that dang treadmill....and so is my rear.

I am getting healthy...i am. I need to realize that i am a work (and geeze, really hard work, too...) in progress. I didn't get to be overweight in a day, a month or even a year. It was a long period of not doing the things that i should have been doing. Things like not eating the right thing, not drinking water. Things that i am doing now....and things that i reaffirm to myself every time i look at my daughter. There aren't any options this time to not do what i know that i need to do. I have to lead by example...i have to.

It is my duty as a Mommy to help my daughter be healthy and happy with who she is. It's up to me to teach her about good food choices and the benefits of exercise. And i can't teach it if i don't believe it for me.

It all starts with me......

More about the First Birthday....

My little daughter turned one year old this past Saturday. We had a very small party with a few close friends and had cake and a few presents-i didn't want anything overwhelming or over the top. And it was perfect. Emma was funny with the cake and presents and loved the balloons that my husband had blown up. She and i spent the morning together while my husband ran errands....and of course, i took photos of her. This photo is probably my favorite of those morning photos....

Note to self: NEVER send sweet husband to the party store alone again. He brought home enough balloons, party supplies, hats, blowers, helium, candles, terrias and stuff for a party sixty one year olds. I had to admit, however, i was very proud of him as everything he bought matched in the butterfly and bee motif that we had picked out for the cake. (sigh, not only am i a control freak, i have to have things that match!) He also handled lunch for all of us and did a beautiful job. So, i'll do my very best to overlook that HUGE bill to the party store! :) He's a fantastic, fantastic husband and i am truly blessed....

Alot of rambling thoughts from that day....i kept thinking about Emma's birth mom. I've always felt a sort of connection to this woman-perhaps it's because she's given me the greatest gift of all: Emma. I had a strong feeling all day that she was thinking about Emma; wondering how she was on her birthday. I realized late last night that in order for me to be a Mommy, Emma's birth mom had to let this child go and trust that she was doing the right thing for her. How much faith that must have taken! How i wish that i could let her know how much i love this little girl and how well she is doing. She's funny, sweet, adventurous (too much for me, lol), has an amazing smile, loves to wave and babble and is such a happy little girl. It is ironic in a way that she looks like her birth mother, but laughs like me. I think that Emma will be a loving mix of both she and i. How i wish that i could share photos of her so she could see how well Emma is doing! I can only imagine how Emma's birth mom feels, but i like to think that she knows in her heart that Emma is well taken care of and loved. And that i don't take being a Mommy lightly-i'm so aware of my responsibilities as a Mommy. It is a daily prayer of mine that God help me and my husband raise this child with all of the love and guidance that we have, to give us patience to be good parents. I hope that Emma's birth mother knows in her heart how i will always take care of this child; i promised myself the moment that Emma was in my arms that i not only owe Emma everything that i could give her, but that i owed her birth mother that, too....and i am constantly reminded every morning when i sign on to Spark People that i owe her a healthy Mommy, too.

I was a little disappointed in both Robert's family and my family. No one called or sent a card to wish Emma a Happy Birthday. Maybe disappointed is a little harsh-i guess i was hurt. I've tried not to ever miss anyone's birthday (especially a nieces or nephews)....and well, this was Emma's first birthday. We didn't even hear from my sister which really surprised me. I knew that my Dad wouldn't call...but i didn't expect not to hear from anyone. It was such a big day for the three of us as a family. I am starting to think that Robert is right-it is time for us to build our own support system here....but it is still sad to me. Robert told me a long time ago that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, so it's time for us to join a church and get involved in our area.

Okay, enough of my pity blog, lol...it was a good day for us and Emma?

Well, she's playing with her birthday gifts and 'reading' her books and babbling to her pink elephants. What more could my heart ask for?

Life is good....so very good. aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_2

Emma's First Birthday

My little daughter turned one year old this past Saturday. We had a very small party with a few close friends and had cake and a few presents-i didn't want anything overwhelming or over the top. And it was perfect. Emma was funny with the cake and presents and loved the balloons that my husband had blown up. She and i spent the morning together while my husband ran errands....and of course, i took photos of her. This photo is probably my favorite of those morning photos....

Note to self: NEVER send sweet husband to the party store alone again. He brought home enough balloons, party supplies, hats, blowers, helium, candles, terrias and stuff for a party sixty one year olds. I had to admit, however, i was very proud of him as everything he bought matched in the butterfly and bee motif that we had picked out for the cake. (sigh, not only am i a control freak, i have to have things that match!) He also handled lunch for all of us and did a beautiful job. So, i'll do my very best to overlook that HUGE bill to the party store! :) He's a fantastic, fantastic husband and i am truly blessed....

Alot of rambling thoughts from that day....i kept thinking about Emma's birth mom. I've always felt a sort of connection to this woman-perhaps it's because she's given me the greatest gift of all: Emma. I had a strong feeling all day that she was thinking about Emma; wondering how she was on her birthday. I realized late last night that in order for me to be a Mommy, Emma's birth mom had to let this child go and trust that she was doing the right thing for her. How much faith that must have taken! How i wish that i could let her know how much i love this little girl and how well she is doing. She's funny, sweet, adventurous (too much for me, lol), has an amazing smile, loves to wave and babble and is such a happy little girl. It is ironic in a way that she looks like her birth mother, but laughs like me. I think that Emma will be a loving mix of both she and i. How i wish that i could share photos of her so she could see how well Emma is doing! I can only imagine how Emma's birth mom feels, but i like to think that she knows in her heart that Emma is well taken care of and loved. And that i don't take being a Mommy lightly-i'm so aware of my responsibilities as a Mommy. It is a daily prayer of mine that God help me and my husband raise this child with all of the love and guidance that we have, to give us patience to be good parents. I hope that Emma's birth mother knows in her heart how i will always take care of this child; i promised myself the moment that Emma was in my arms that i not only owe Emma everything that i could give her, but that i owed her birth mother that, too....and i am constantly reminded every morning when i sign on to Spark People that i owe her a healthy Mommy, too.

I was a little disappointed in both Robert's family and my family. No one called or sent a card to wish Emma a Happy Birthday. Maybe disappointed is a little harsh-i guess i was hurt. I've tried not to ever miss anyone's birthday (especially a nieces or nephews)....and well, this was Emma's first birthday. We didn't even hear from my sister which really surprised me. I knew that my Dad wouldn't call...but i didn't expect not to hear from anyone. It was such a big day for the three of us as a family. I am starting to think that Robert is right-it is time for us to build our own support system here....but it is still sad to me. Robert told me a long time ago that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, so it's time for us to join a church and get involved in our area.

Okay, enough of my pity blog, lol...it was a good day for us and Emma?

Well, she's playing with her birthday gifts and 'reading' her books and babbling to her pink elephants. What more could my heart ask for?

Life is good....so very good.

Happy, Happy First Birthday, Dear Daughter....

Of all the ding-ding things.....

...i have done as a first time Mommy, well, i truly have reached a new level of ding-ding. I am shocked that i did what i did....how careless i was.

After a wonderful morning with Emma, playing and giggling, we decided to surprised Daddy at work and take him to lunch. He was thrilled to see his girls, lol, and of course, Emma was all smiles at seeing her Daddy. We had a wonderful lunch-in fact, it was perfect. The waitress was fantastic and sweet, lunch was healthy (salad and half a sandwich for me with unsweetened Raspberry tea) and so good and Emma was on perfect behavior. We take Daddy back to work and continue with our Valentine's Day Shopping Event. Shopping was fun, Emma was happy and giggling and smiling. After shopping, we finally arrive back home and i park the car in the garage. It is a pretty day, so i take off my jacket and shut my door and go to the back door to get Emma out of her car seat.

And the door is locked.

In fact, ALL OF THE CAR DOORS ARE LOCKED. AND EMMA IS INSIDE MY CAR IN HER CAR SEAT.

How do i know?? Oh, i ran around the car about 12 times re-checking each door just to make sure that i didn't do it. Oh, yes, friends, i did it.

I locked my daughter in the car in her car seat.

Unbelievable.

Emma is smiling at me thru the back window as i am rocking the car (yes, you read that right, i'm rocking my car with my hip, sigh) in high hopes that she will fall asleep and won't notice that her Mommy is a ding-ding and who is praying that she isn't traumatizing her child by her stupidity. I luckily had my cell phone in my pocket so i call my husband and calmly tell him what i've done.

Ding-Ding Mommy: ummm, sweetie? Do you think that you can call a locksmith to come to the house? I've locked Emma in my car.
Sweet Hubby: (trying his best not to chuckle at me) Oh. You locked Emma in the car? Is the car off? Okay, i'll call the police department and call you right back. Are you okay, sweetie?
Ding-Ding Mommy: AM I OKAY???? I'VE JUST LOCKED MY ALMOST ONE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN MY CAR IN THE GARAGE. NO I'M NOT OKAY!! (didn't say this to sweet hubby, but i was thinking it....) Yes, i'm fine, can you please hurry and call them?
Sweet Hubby: Sure.

Emma, by this time is sticking out her bottom lip. You know how little ones do just before they cry? I'm still rocking my carto comfort her in high hopes that she will fall asleep. She starts to cry.

And so do i.

Cell phone rings...

Sweet Hubby: Sweetie? They will be there as quickly as possible. Don't be upset with yourself, these things happen. Please call me if they don't show up in 15 minutes.
Ding-Ding Mommy: sniff, sniff...okay.

Emma has now pulled off one of her shoes and is chewing on it. But she's not crying so i encourage her to keep chewing on her shoe. After a few moments, she pulls the other shoe off and chews on it. And after a few moments of that, she chews on both of them. She's looking at me in the eye because i'm sure that she is remembering that i don't let her chew on her shoes.

Thinking surely that it's been longer than 15 minutes, i look at my cell phone. IT'S ONLY BEEN LESS THAN 5 MINUTES. It's going to be a long wait for the police.

Emma is now yawning.....and rubbing her eyes. I'm still rocking the car like i would rock her. She cries a little more, so do i. And then, i hear it. The wales of a fire truck.

Surely they are not sending a fire truck?? Not the BIG fire truck into our nice, quiet neighborhood, are they?

Oh, yes, they are! With lights flashing, horn blaring. I meekly run up our drive way (i'm not even out of breath, btw, when i reach the very top of our long driveway, thank you treadmill!) and all of my neighbors are standing out there in the middle of our cul-d-sac....all of them. One of my favorite neighbors yells to me "Is Emma okay???" I just nod thru my tears. Karen is nice enough to come over to me and walk back down the long driveway to the back of the house where the garage is with the 3 firemen that i keep apologizing to over and over again.

After about 6 seconds, Capt. Roberts has my car opened and is getting Emma out of her car seat. She is all smiles, touching his face, babbling her Emma talk. He is smitten with her and tells her how beautiful she is. He is holding her once they are out of the car and she raises her little arms up in the air and smiles and says "Wow".

"Wow" indeed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Capt. Roberts and your crew for getting to our house so quickly, for getting my Emma out of my car and for not making me feel like the worse Mommy in the world. Thank you for sharing your funny stories to me and handing me kleenex for my tears.

And thank you for helping my Emma.

What an entry into her baby book about her First Valentines Day!

Happy First Valentines Day!

I haven't always loved Valentine's Day. In fact, i use to the be anti-Valentine Girl....i always felt after getting out of college that Valentine's Day was just a way for Hallmark to make more money because after all, who wouldn't buy a card for someone they loved? What kind of person didn't buy Valentine Day Cards? It was a money making scam, i decided...

But growing up, well, i loved it. And i now know why....because of my Mom. She would make 'special' cupcakes or 'special' cookies for that day and they would be waiting for me after i came home from school. Sometimes, she would even bring the cupcakes to school for my class. They were usually chocolate cake with a white fluffy icing with red and white sprinkles on top. Oh, these cupcakes weren't made from a box, either. They were "special", lol. They were so yummy! Even when i got to high school, this 'tradition' continued-and it was a relief to know that even if i didn't have a boyfriend to buy me flowers, my Mom had put flowers in my room the night before and i knew that i there would be cupcakes or cookies waiting for me and my friends.

I wasn't always the best teenager....i was a loner and loved to be alone or read. She would leave me be, but would always let me have the books i wanted and we would read together at the table. It is only now, now that i am much older and a mother myself, that i realize how much this woman must have loved me. We didn't see eye to eye on many, many things but i suppose that most teenage girls and their mothers are like that. But no matter what i did, i knew that she loved me even if i wasn't feeling especially lovable.

I don't have my Mom anymore....but i have many happy memories of her. I remember when i was very little being in awe of her because she was so glamorous, so beautiful. She loved to get dressed up and was always so beautiful in what she wore. I remember her love of jewerly; especially a beautiful blue ring and her pearls. I now have those treasures. I remember her pushing fruits and veggies at me and telling me that water was the best thing for me. I was at a healthy weight all thru school and college because of her. It was on my own, after a horrible, horrible first marriage (that she begged me not to get into, btw) that i gained my weight. Food at that time became my friend and it wasn't a good friend to have. And now, well....you know, here i am.

I am now realizing how much influence her habits had on my life. To be honest, to be helpful to others, to do the best you can do in whatever you do, to be nice to people you don't know, to bring food when you don't know what to say, to send flowers...and to take care of your health. I do all of those well except take care of myself and so this is what i am now working on.

I like to think that she's proud of me, that she sees me in this good marriage to a wonderful, wonderful man and sees me trying to be the best Mommy i can be. And she sees that i'm trying to be healthy a good role model for Emma. Because i am trying; i want Emma to have all of the things that i had and in order for me to do that and to be here for her, well, i have to be healthy.

I have to be.

And yes, there are flowers in Emma's room today. :)