Love, Anger and Sadness

Autumn Pasquale (Facebook photo)
I don't usually write posts like this as it's a family-like blog and well, as such, it really isn't a place to for me to rant. But this time, well, i'm writing 'that' kind of post.

The photo above is of Autumn Pasquale. She's twelve years old and in six days will be thirteen years old. Autumn looks like she is a sweet girl and from what i've read, very active and loves to ride her bike. Autumn would always check in and was always home at her curfew time.

She lived with her dad, his girlfriend, and siblings in New Jersey.

A few days ago, Autumn was going to ride her bike to a friend's house.

She never made it there.

Autumn didn't check in at home like she usually does.

Something was wrong...and her Dad called the police to report Autumn missing that night after Amber didn't come home at her curfew.

When i first read the story, i thought, "No, not again. Please, God, not again. Bring this young girl home to the people that love her. Please bring her home safe."
I also thought about Jessica Ridgeway from Westminster, CO, who also went missing recently....Jessica never made it home safe. Her remains were recently found...

I will admit that when i read a news story about a child who is missing, i automatically assume the worst. I don't know why, but i do. I also always assume the worst when i read about women in domestic violence cases who are missing. I look at the photos that are posted and look into their eyes and i know. I don't know how i know, but i know.

I know that they won't be coming home alive.

And then i get sad. I try to tell myself that the woman or child is in God's arms and now safe. I tell myself that God was with the woman or child in what was probably their worst moments; that God was there, comforting the victim who needed to be comforted. I tell myself that God is now with the family, comforting them...comforting them in their worse moments.

And after thinking all of those things, i get very, very angry. I scream in my head at God....I demand to know why He didn't step in and stop what was going to happen. I demand a different ending. I demand to know "why". Why didn't He save that woman or little child? Why does such evil exist? Why do these things continue to happen? What can be done to stop it? How do we protect our children and women from this kind of violence? How does someone to this? Why does someone do this?

Autumn was riding her bike. She was out riding her bike to a friend's house. In her neighborhood. You know, where she is suppose to be safe? Where she knows her neighbors? Where folks are suppose to look out for each other and keep each other safe?

They found Autumn yesterday in a recycling container, apparently not far from where she lived.

Autumn will now not be on earth for her birthday. Or Halloween. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. She won't go to the prom. She won't go to college. She won't have a first love, get married or have children. Oh, how my heart aches for her family...while i am happy that she is in God's arms, i wish this story's ending had her home, safe and sound, getting ready for her thirteenth birthday.

We have a fenced in back yard where Emma and Pickles can play and run.

Half of me is embarrassed to tell you that even in a fenced in back yard, i don't let them outside unless i am with them or i can see them from the back porch. Emma is five and yes, we do live in the most boring neighborhood ever, but the fear that something will happen is great. I can't imagine letting Emma ever walk to school. I can't imagine letting her go somewhere that i have checked out and will come with her. The chance of what i would loose if i let her do those kinda things as she gets older is too great...i won't take that chance.

It's sad that i'm like this. Heck, my Mom let us walk to school alone when i was in the first grade. We played outside all day long and rode our bikes. We came home for lunch, dinner and we had to be in when the street lights came on. We did live in Spain and not the US while i was growing up, but my husband grew up the same way: hanging out with his friends, riding his bike, playing and coming home when the sun went down. I simply cannot imagine letting Emma do these things and i wonder if i am off my rocker at times.

Early this morning (at 5am, sigh....), Pickles was barking to go outside and do her thing. I grabbed my shoes and jacket and walked out with her, to get some air. I let Pickles out and walked down the stairs of the back deck and looked up at the stars and do my morning prayer thing.

I was stunned when i looked up.

I have never seen so many stars in the sky from our back yard. Bright, twinkling stars were everywhere in the sky. I felt like God was telling me "I got this, I promise!" The stars were stunning this morning....simply beautiful. I stayed out much longer than usual this morning, praying, talking to God and looking at the stars. I didn't come away with any earth-shattering knowledge. I didn't solve any of the world's problems.

But i did come away with the sense that God is all around us and sometimes, that's the most important thing. When you feel like you need more answers to questions that can't be answered, finding His strength and His love gives you the hope that somehow, somehow, things will be alright. You don't know how, but you just know that somehow, things will be alright.

Rest in peace, Autumn and Jessica...

A Pooka Birthday

The Most Amazing Chocolate Cake E.V.E.R.

Everyone must have candles on their birthday cake!
My sweet, sweet hubby had a birthday today

Buying him a present is a nightmare for me every year. What do you get a man who has everything he wants? Socks? Underwear? A peaceful day away from his wife, little daughter and doggy from the devil?

Bingo!

Of course, i'm not sure when exactly he will ever actually get this peaceful day away from us, but it's the thought that counts, right? Right??

Now then, lets move on to my hubby's cake baked by me...

It was the most awesome cake ever.

I searched all over the internet high and low for "the perfect chocolate cake". I found two recipes that sounded amazing and printed them out. One of the cakes was called "Extreme Chocolate Cake" and the other was "One Bowl Chocolate Cake" (which i thought was a bit goofy as don't you mix ALL cake mix batter in one bowl?!?

As i studied both recipes, i noticed something very odd...the Extreme Chocolate Cake recipe and the One Bowl Chocolate Cake recipe sounded so much alike that i finally noticed that the recipes were the exact same recipes with one little difference: the the Extreme Chocolate Cake had a Chocolate Butter Cream Icing recipe attached to it.

And since i love anything with the words 'chocolate', 'buttercream','chocolate buttercream', 'chocolate to die for', or 'awesome, yummy, chocolate taste' to describe it....

The "Extreme" recipe won.

I really don't know who to attribute the recipe to....so, i'll just share it and you can call it whatever you'd like to to call it. I don't know how to do all of that fancy 'just print the recipe' thingy, so your stuck copying and pasting.

I'm going to call it:

THE MOST AMAZING CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER.
Because, well, it really was the most amazing chocolate cake ever.

The Most Amazing Chocolate Cake Ever
Ingredients for Cake

-2 cups of white sugar
-1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
-1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
-1 1/2 teaspoons of baking soda
-1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
-1 teaspoon salt
-2 eggs
~1 cup milk
~1/2 cup vegetable oil
~2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
~1 cup of boiling water

Ingredients for Chocolate Buttercream Icing

~3/4 cup butter
~1 1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder
~5 1/3 cups confectioners' sugar
~2/3 cup milk
~1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two 9 inch cake pans.
2. In a medium bowl, stir together the sugar, flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add the eggs, milk, oil and vanilla. Mix for 3 minutes with an electric mixer. Stir in the boiling water by hand. Pour evenly into your prepared pans.
3. Bake for 30/35 minutes in the preheated oven, until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to cool completely.
4. To make the frosting, cream butter till light and fluffy. Stir in cocoa and confectioners' sugar alternately with the milk and vanilla. Beat to a spreading consistency of your liking.
5. Split the layers of cooled cake horizontally, cover the top of each layer with frosting and stack onto a serving plate. Frost the outside of cake.


My Notes:

~Can be baked in 2 round cake pans or a 9x13 cake pan. If you use a 9x13 baking pan, bake for 40 minutes. Since i used a 9x13 pan, i sprayed my pan only as i wasn't removing the cake from the pan.
~The cocoa powder was increased to 1 cup from 3/4 cup. I used Ghirardelli because it's what i had on hand.
~I used large eggs because that's what i had on hand.
~I used 2% milk as that's what i had on hand...i did worry about this, but no need to worry, friends. I doubt it made a difference.
~The batter will resemble soup after you pour the 1 cup of boiling water into the batter. Do your very best to ignore and not worry about this soupy-like batter, but be SURE to hand mix the batter together well after you pour the boiling water into the batter. I used a wooden spoon but i bet any kind of spoon would work.
~Some folks added a teaspoon of instant coffee to the boiling water before mixing with the cake mix. I didn't, but you can.
~Make sure that your oven is really the temperature it calls for by buying a stove temperature thing if you are not sure about how your oven heats. Do the tooth-pick test when taking the cake out and PLEASE don't overcook your cake. Really. Please don't overcook the cake.
~This cake will bake up high and perfect. Honest.
~This cake is even better the next day. Honest.


Happy, Happy Birthday to my sweet, amazing husband! Thank you for taking care of us and loving us like you do...you truly are a man of God and i thank Him every day for giving you to Emma and i. We love you to the moon and back!!

Sick Day

Today is a stay-at-home sick day for my Emma. I hate to admit this, but i'm actually enjoying her sick day as i get her company all to myself. Emma has been coughing, congested and has had a stuffy nose since late Sunday; yesterday started the fever and laryngitis so it was time to take it easy and have warm soup and sleep a little later. We have cuddled on the couch in blankets and pillows and watched a movie, which has been nice....but honestly, i think that Emma would rather be in school with her adored Ms. W and her friends!

Giving medicine to Emma is always something i have struggled with. I like to think that the body will take care of it's self if you give it a chance to; but this time, she seems so dang miserable. Coughing so much at night that it's hard to get a good night sleep, which i know her body desperately needs to get better. I've given her warm baths and steam showers to help clear her up a little, but by 3am, i can hear her coughing and sniffing. After calling her pediatrician, we decided on some over-the-counter stuff that will hopefully do the trick and get her on her way to feeling better. Thankfully, a new water bottle bought for school has helped with her wanting to drink water (because it is apparently "cool" to drink and have your own water bottle!)so she is getting her fluids in.

As i type this, i have to kinda shake my head. Yes, Emma is sick, but it will go away and she will feel better in a few days. I can't imagine what a mother of a seriously sick child must feel like...sickness where you just can't give some medicine and poof! a few days later, there is total healing. So, i'm going to add these mothers to my prayer list. I have stumbled over God in this area: children with terminal illness. How can this happen? What good can come of a child that sick? And of course, my favorite question/prayer: God, please fix and heal this child. My prayers in this area seem not to be answered or heard which makes me angry. Someone will remind me that we are on God's plan and not our own plan....but being reminded of this just makes me want to beg God even more for mercy for the sick child.

I'm like a child in my faith, aren't i? I do have a bit of growing to do....and sometimes, growing in God's word is hard. Especially when you don't get the answers and learning that 'you' think you should get! At my age, one would think that i would understand that things are not in my control, yes?

What a day.....

Emma before school with flowers

...what a day, what a day.
If there was ever a day that i wish i could just totally erase, it would be today. It truly was one of the most hard to deal with days. I still don't know if blogging about it is a good idea or not; really, much do i need to put out into the world? I do take comfort in the fact that i don't have many readers but i wonder if that isn't a false sense of security. I sometimes feel like i invade Emma's privacy by writing about her; at her age, it's not like she can give me 'consent' to blog about her. But blogging is a way to help me navigate through being a Mama; perhaps it really is time that i decide to take this blog private.

Today, "The Science Guy" came to the kindergarten classes.

Sounds AWESOME, doesn't it?

Not for my Emma.

I wish that i had been on the stick about The Science Guy coming. I would have invited myself to school that day. I would have made dang sure that i was there for this because i know how my Emme is when things that aren't scheduled happen. I know how my Emme is when things get loud and chaotic.

I thought Mr. Science Guy was the next day.

Not today.

As i was waiting in the school car line, i received a phone call from the assistant principle at Emma's school. Emma was in his office and he wanted me to come to his office to pick her up. Mr. Vice Principle was very nice, but i knew that something not very good had happened with Emma. After assuring me that Emma was fine and giving me a brief rundown of the days events, i made my way out of the pick up line to pick up my daughter.

I could feel tears starting to well up for my daughter...i knew that she was now not only upset, but scared and crying.

I collected myself and walked into his office, where my little daughter sat in a big chair, tears coming down her beautiful little face.

"Mommy!" she squeaked as she jumped into my arms.

I sat down in the big chair and just held her as she sobbed against my neck, her tears began to soak the collar of my shirt. Emme's little arms wrapped themselves around my neck, her little body shaking. I just held her, telling her that i had her, that i loved her and we would handle this together.

Emma cried for what seemed like a very long time in Mommy minutes.

Finally, she sat up and gave me her version of the the afternoon, through nose sniffs and scattered tears. I listened, my heart breaking and tears threatened to spill from my eyes. After she finished, the Vice Principle and i spoke a bit. We made arrangements for Emma and i to meet with Ms. W the next day during Ms. W's teacher break.

As Emma and i walked out to the car, she held my hand tightly.

"I sorry, Mommy. I so sorry, Mommy. I cwan't top whewn i gwet mad. I am bad!" she tells me.

"Emma, you are not bad! The choice you made today when you got angry was a very bad choice. I know that you are sorry, sweetie...you and i will go talk to Ms. W tomorrow and you can apologize to her." i answer back.

"Mama, Ms. W is goin' to hwate me. I lobe her. I'd be sosososo sorrrry, Mommy!" she tells me as she starts to cry again.

I buckle her up in her car seat and we head for home. I look into the rear view mirror and see that tears are still coming down her face.

I start to cry, too.

"Emme, no matter what, i love you and your dad loves you. Everyone makes bad choices sometimes. We need to learn from them and learn to make better choices. I promise that everything will be okay, sweetie." i say through my tears.

"Otay, Mommy....otay." she tells me, still crying.

We get home and i take her into my bedroom and peel her clothes off. Emma's shirt is soaked in tears. I start a warm bubble bath in my big tub where she can hopefully relax a little. She climbs into the warm tub and looks up at me and softly tells me 'dank you, Mommy....i lobe bubbles."

I leave her to soak alone for a few moments after she tells me she wants 'Emma-Time". It's our code words for her to tell me that she wants me close by, but she wants to be alone for a bit. I sit on my bed and wipe the tears from my eyes.

When she's ready, i wrap her up in a big, fluffy towel and carry her to my bed. I wrap her up in blankets and get her pjs. It's been a very long day for my Emma....a very long and emotional kind of day.

We read some of Emma's books together and cuddle on the bed. We chat about what happened. We talk about her teacher. We talk about how apologizing is important and how it should come from the heart. We talk about God and how we should pray and ask God for help with emotions. We say a prayer together and Emma asks God to please help her. I tell Emma that tomorrow, we are going to talk to Ms. W. Emma wants me to call Ms. W right then, but i tell her that Ms. W needs some time to herself and we will talk to her tomorrow.

Emma barely eats dinner....and she and i go to bed together, very early. Robert is working late and doesn't yet know of the day's events. He has his hands full right now and i think it's best to talk to him when he gets home.

Emma falls asleep quickly, cuddled up next to me with Pachi.

Tomorrow, we will talk to Ms. W....

Pachi

Pachi "before" her "makeover"

Pachi "after" her makeover!
Pachi was a gift to Emma from a dear friend of Robert's. We were given Pachi at a "Meet Emma Shower" that was given for us by the folks at the plant. This shower was the first official time that anyone outside of my sister had met our daughter, so it really was a very big deal for all three of us! For almost 6 months after Emma came home, it was just the three of us. We didn't go out much, except maybe to the park for walks or to play in the yard. The agency that helped us adopt Emma suggested that for the first few months that we be the only 'care-takers' of Emma so that we could bond as a family...i took these instructions very seriously, so for most of the time, it was just me and Emma as Robert worked and traveled.

Pachi and Mr. Moo were Emma's constant friends. Slowly, Mr. Moo faded to the side and Pachi took front and center as Emma's go-to friend. Emma named this pink elephant "Pachi"....we aren't sure where this name came from, but Emma babbled it out one morning and the name stuck like glue. Pachi has been there for crawling, standing, walking, running, rides in the stroller, first trips and vacations...you name it, Pachi has been there for Emma.

After five years of love, slobber, and being carried around by her ear, well, a stuffed pink elephant takes a beating. One elephant ear was barely hanging on, the tail, well, was also just hanging on and Pachi's stuffing wasn't so 'fluffy' anymore. And of course, somewhere along the line, Pachi started looking like a grey elephant instead of the pink elephant he was.

Action was required!

On Friday, after dropping Emma off at school, i decided to try and 'freshen' up our well-loved friend. First, i had to 're-stuff' Pachi. Luckily, there was a hole already near his barely hanging on ear, so i stuffed him through that hole. After i finished stuffing my patient, i then had to sew his ear back on. I come from a very long line of excellent seemstresses, but too bad for me that this skill seemed to skip over me totally. I do think, however, that i did a pretty good job with Pachi's ear.

The next task was to wash Pachi....because Pachi was starting to smell just like elephant dung.

I threw Pachi in the washer with some oxi-soap stuff and did a super-wash on him.

When the washer stopped, i was a little hesitant to open the washer door. What if i didn't do the stuffing right? What if his ear totally came off in the 'super' wash setting? Emma would be crushed if anything ever happened to Pachi...

I peeked in the washer, and there was a FLUFFY AND VERY PINK PACHI!

In fact, Pachi looked like he had gained a little bit of weight....

Into the dryer Pachi went....and when he was finished drying, it was already time for me to pick up Emma from school. And of course, that's when i really started to worry. What if she hated fluffy, pink Pachi and wanted old, raggy Pachi back? Then what would i do?

Emma climbed into the back seat and instantly saw Pachi sitting in her sear with a snack. She snatched him up...and squeaks "PACHI!! YOU SMELL SOOOO GOOD!! MOMMY, YOU DID A GOOD JOB!! I LOBE HIM!!"

Melt my heart....

All the way home, Emma is chatting to Pachi.

I am secretly thrilled that my poor sewing skills and my make-over of Pachi is a huge success.

Pachi seems to have many years ahead of him of being Emma's best buddy....and he is now in much better shape (even if i did stuff him a bit too much!) to take on that job!

Happy Birthday to me!
I love birthdays....especially my birthday!

It is a beautiful fall day today. The sun is out, it's a little cool but perfect.

Pickles is outside laying in the grass, soaking up the sun.

Robert is off somewhere running errands.

Emma is playing upstairs in her room with her dinos.

I'm sitting here in my birthday bliss....waiting for my husband to come back with my cake. It's lunchtime and i want to eat cake for lunch.

The only thing that i'm missing today is my Mama. I miss her calling me on my birthday, first thing in the morning and singing Happy Birthday to me in Spanish. I miss her so very much...the ache of missing her hasn't gone away or dulled in time. If anything, the ache has gotten worse as i see how much she is missing. I know that she watches over us, and especially Emma, but what i wouldn't do to have her here with me.

Off to enjoy my day...

A Birthday....

GRRR....BLOGGER IS ACTING UP!

Tomorrow is my birthday.


I'll be 46 years old.


I'm grateful for every single year that God has given me.


Granted, some of those years i would have really liked to skipped or at the very least, pretend that those years didn't happen...but each one of those really horrible years brought me to the place i am today.


I now have an amazing husband....and i'm just not saying that to be nice. Robert is the type of man who makes you want to be a better person. You know those folks that do right when no one is looking? Or the folks that do right because it is the right thing to do? Robert is that kind of man. He's honest, fair, dependable, faithful, loving, and a Godly man. He has restored my faith in mankind...my husband is really that awesome.


I have a little daughter who i love with everything i have.


I have a warm place to lay my head at night, food to eat, water to drink.


I get to be a stay-at-home Mama.


I am loved.


I could not ask for anything more....


As i have gotten older, i have made it part of my daily ritual to tell God how grateful i am. Every single day, i tell Him that i am so glad that He didn't give up on me, even when i wanted to give up on myself. I tell Him that i'm thankful that He carried me when i couldn't carry myself and that i'm trying my best to try and be a good Mama and wife, even though some days, i fall horribly short of being a good Mama and wife. I tell Him thank you for getting me through the times where i didn't think that i would make it through....and i thank Him for the amazing people that He has put into my life.


And i ask Him to help me be a blessing to someone who maybe is where i use to be. To give someone something for the sake of giving is truly amazing. It is even more amazing when you do something for someone and they have no idea that it is you who is doing the giving. The is giving thing doesn't have to be something huge...helping someone who has a screaming child in the checkout line can seem like a life line to a tired Mama who feels like she is at end of her rope. Simple acts of kindness mean the most, i think...it's a good way to serve the folks around you.


I've learned a lot in my 46 years, haven't i? :o)


Tomorrow i am spending my birthday with my husband and daughter....there will be cake and ice cream, giggles and laughter and much love.


A very perfect way to spend the day....

Barbie Dolls and Dinosaurs

Emma is indeed growing up.

I know, i'm quick, aren't i? Nothing gets past this Mommy, eh?

Kindergarten is just a part of growing up, albeit a very big part.

Peer pressure or what your peers like or think is neat is a big part of growing up, too. I honestly didn't think what another kindergartner likes/thought was neat would have any bearing on what another kindergartner liked or thought was neat. I honestly thought that at the ages of five or six, you liked what you liked and that was that.

"Oh, no!" said the butterfly to the grasshopper....

Emma has a apple kind of book bag. It's not really a book bag, more like a bag that clinches that you can carry stuff in. It matches her lunch bag.

I'm matchy-matchy like that.

One day, i picked her up from school and she informed me that she maybe needed a new book bag. We used this apple book bag/clinchy bag and lunch bag last year for pre-k.

"What kind of book bag do you think that you would like, Emma?" i ask, fully expecting the answer of dinosaurs or tree frogs to be screamed from the back seat.

"I would like a BARBIE BOOK BAG, Mommy!" replies Emma in her most grownup voice.

Honestly, i couldn't have been more stunned surprised if she had answered that she wanted a Magic Mike (you know, that yummy movie with the male strippers?) on her new book bag.

A Barbie Book Bag?

Emma doesn't play with Barbies.

Emma doesn't play with dolls.

She plays with dinosaurs, farm animals, jungle animals, etc.

Not Barbies.

As soon as i managed to find my voice, i squeaked out "But Emme, you don't like Barbies. You like dinosaurs and frogs."

"I like Barbies, Mommy! And i lobe the color PINK. Barbie book bags are pink. So i would like a Barbie book bag, pwlease."

The only word i can managed is "oh!" so that's what i say and continue driving home, wondering if, by chance, i picked up the wrong little brown eyed, brown haired girl up from school. Maybe she was kicked in the head or something today at school....

When we get home, we have an ice pop together and chat about her day. We go outside with Pickles to look for acorns and chase each other around the trees. After a bit, we go back inside and Emma tells me that she is going to play in her room.

Which is a good thing, as i need a large drink diet coke and time to sit and think for a bit.

I hear Emma in her room, as she turns on her cd player and classical music comes tinkling through the air. And then i hear her start to chat to Pachi and her dinosaurs....and i realize something rather quickly. I bet he little girls in Emma's class have Barbie book bags!

AHA!

NO! Aha!

I don't want my girl to like things just because some other kindergartner likes them. I want her to like what she likes. I don't want her to follow on this. Really, how many grown women now like things because other women like things? And isn't this a little young to worry about liking what other friends like?

Dang it.

Why can't i be the Mother-Earth type and home school? Why can't i just be Emma's teacher? She only needs me anyway, right? Actually, that's not right. She needs others. As an only child, school is a fantastic place for my little social butterfly. Emma is in an amazing school system with a fantastic teacher who cares about her. She gets so much at school; much more than i could possibly pull off.

The next morning in the car on the way to school, i ask Emma:

"Sweetie, you know, everyone has different likes and dislikes. Just because someone likes Barbies doesn't mean everyone has to like Barbies. Some friends like frogs and dinos and some friends like kitties and doggies. Everyone is different! God made us all different, you know...."

"I know, Mommy, i know...." Emma responds like she really could care less

"I would rather you get a book bag that YOU love, not one that your friends would love." i tell her, looking at her through the rear view mirror.

"'Tay, Mommy. I wiff tink 'bout it," she tells me, kissing Pachi.

hmmm.

Okay, i guess thinking about it is a start, right? We aren't rushing out to go Barbie-Pink-Crazy, right?

What worry about is today, it's just about Barbies and Dinosaurs.

But what about later? What about when she's older? How to do you teach a child to stand up and like what she likes or do what she knows is right? I am sure that keeping dialog open between she and i is important....and honestly, i need to remember that even though she has an amazing teacher at school, Robert and i are her teachers, too...

....and it's one of the most important jobs that we will ever have.

Maybe i can find a pink Barbie book bag with a large, green Triceratops on it....

Kinda First Day....

....of kindergarten was today. It was a half day, but for me, it was an odd kinda day as i spent most of the five hours of this first half day wondering how in the world it could possibly be that Emma, my little Emma, had grown up enough to be in kindergarten already. I am a stay-at-home Mama, so it's not like i had days that i blacked out (okay, there were some days that i WANTED to black out and not remember like the time i locked a year and half old Emma in the Honda in our garage and the fire department had to come get her out....) of and missed. I have been here...and somehow, this little one of my grew up while i was watching.

Emma attended pre-k, so i was use to her being in 'school'. But for some reason, well, starting kindergarten is different. Maybe because it's the starting point of thinking and acting like a little girl instead of the baby/toddler that i THINK she is who is growing up right before my eyes.

The Parent Orientation on Tuesday went well for me. We got to meet Emma's new teacher and talk to her a little about Emma and some of the things i thought that it may be important for her to know about Emma. Ms.W is very pretty and very young...it is her second year of teaching. I knew that Emma would love her instantly...and that made me feel a little better. I listened as she explained the 'Behavior Chart' as i almost snickered to myself, remembering how my little pre-k rebel behaved last year. Everyday, your clip starts off on 'green'(in the middle of the chart) which is 'Ready to Learn'. Above green are blue (Great Job!), purple (Great Job!) and Pink (Outstanding!). Below green (which i had a sinking feeling that we would be spending a lot of our time) is yellow (Slow Down!), Orange (Think about it!) and Red (Parent Contact). I tried my best not to look at my husband as i was sure that he was thinking exactly what i was thinking: "Yellow is a pretty color! We'll be happy with Yellow!"....

As i went to pick up Emma from a neighbor's house, she was full of questions about Ella, the doggy that she had played with. I decided that we would talk about school after lunch to get her ready for Thursday, her first half day.

Emma was very interested in her teacher and if i had met any of her new 'friends'. I told her about Ms. W and her new classroom and we chatted a bit about her new behavior chart and how this year would be different than last year. She told me that she just 'knew' she would love her new school and teacher. I prayed that she was right.

This morning, i woke up bright and early to pack her lunch and get her book bag ready. Robert was going to come with us and i was secretly glad. I woke Emma up and she was in a funny mood and very, very excited.

"Tooday is da day, Mommy!! I am gonna go to da big school!! Can Pachi ride wiff me?"

"Of course Pachi can! But first, we have to have some breakfast, brush teeth, potty, get dressed before we even think about leaving. What would you like for breakfast? Peanut Butter Toast or cereal?"

"I wanna hab toast and mwilk, please!"

About this time, i realize that we really ARE going to take her to kindergarten and leave her there with her new teacher. And when i get home, it will be just me and Pickles...no Emma. Pickles will sleep all morning and i'll watch the clock till it's time to get her, i think to myself...

We all pile into the car, almost all of us are excited. (In case you're wondering, it was me who was doing the fake excited thing again...) I'm in the front seat, holding Emma's book bag, remembering the first time i laid eyes on her and how i held her in my arms. I am remembering her instantly falling asleep in my arms as i counted her finger and toes and studied her tiny nose and face. I remember praying over her, asking God to help me be the type of mother that she would need me to be...

"Isabel? We're here!" my husband gushes.

NO! No, i don't want to be here. I don't want to leave her here in school with this new teacher. I want to teach her. I want to spend the day with her! I don't want this teacher to teach her, damn it. I don't care that she is a great teacher and that Emma is going to love her. I don't care how "fun" Ms. W is going to be and how much Emma is going to love school.

I. Don't. Want. To. Let. Go.

Not today. Not yet.

I have issues, yes?

"Come on, Mommy!! I'll carry my lunch bag 'n Pach and you carry my book bag!!"

"How about i throw you back into the car, my little girl, and we go to the zoo instead, together?" i think to myself (which i totally would have done had my husband not had the car keys in his hand).

"Sure, Emme. I'll carry your book bag and you carry your lunch. Hold Daddy's hand, okay?". I somehow manage to sound like a normal Mother and not the loopy, loopy nut-job mother that i'm turning into.

We get into the school and i take a pic by the school mascott. Then, we walk together to the kindergarten wing.....with me walking as slow as possible.

Robert glances at me and i totally ignore him. He's smiling as he's just as excited as Emma is. School and learning are important to Robert. Those things are important to me, too....just not today.

We finally get to the class and i introduce Emma to Ms. W.

"Hi, Ms. W!! I am happy to be here!" gushes my little daughter.

gag, gag...gag. --->that's the sound i'm thinking to myself. I want to scream. Instead, i smile as we find Emma's cubby and then find her seat together. My sweet husband is standing back, watching to see if his wife is going to crack.

"Lwook, Mommy!!! Here's where i gonna sit!!"

'Oh, good!' i think to myself. Emma is sitting at the firs, little table. I can sneak in and grab her and run away with her if i want.

Ms. W is coming towards us. Emma still has Pachi in her arms and before i can open my mouth, my daughter, who never lets ANYONE hold Pachi but us, is introducing Pachi to Ms. W.

"Ms. W, dis is Pachi!" Emma tells her as she holds Pachi out to her.

"oooo, this is Pachi?" Ms. W responds, as she takes Pachi from Emma.

I am speechless. I never am speechless. But right now, i am rooted to the floor, staring at my little daughter, sharing Pachi with her new teacher.

Ms. W leads Emma to her table and Emma sits down. Ms. W gives Pachi back to Emma and says "Thank you so much, Emma, for letting me hold Pachi!"

I'm still standing in the same place, not breathing.

Emma hands Pachi to me and i snap a quick pic of Ms. W and Emma.

I stand there, staring at Emma, feeling tears come to my eyes. A million moments fly through my mind...the first time i held Emma, coming home with her, Emma crawling, Emma pulling herself up, Halloweens, Birthdays, Christmases...kisses and hugs from her. Teaching her songs and how to crack eggs. Teaching her prayers and and painting pictures....

My husband is clearing his throat...and i tell Emma good-bye and that i'll be back to pick her up.

"Bye, Mommy! Hab a good day!" she tells me.

Really, Emma? Really? Have a good day? Don't you know that i'll probably be back in the school parking lot in an hour, waiting for you?

"Have a great day, Emma!" my husband gushes.

I wish he would shut up.

Robert grabs my hand and we walk out of the classroom....and he drives me home. Half way home, i look down and realize that i am still grasping Emma's book bag. I have taken her book bag with me. Robert notices the book bag the same time that i do.

"Really, Isabel?" he asks.

"Oh, it's okay! I'll take it back to her!!" i chirp, finally happy.

"umm, no, sweetie. It's on my way, i'll take it back to her!" he chirps back.

sigh....

Only five hours till i get Emma back.

Five. Hours.

Kindergarten Assessment....

"Good Morning, Mommy!!"

I open one eye.

ick.

It's 6am.

"It's time to get up, it's time to get up, it's time to get up, IT'S MORNINGGGGG!" my little Emma sings to me in her loud singing voice.

BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK....BARK

sigh.

Pickles needs to go out....

"Mama, Pwickles needs to go outttt!"

Okay, okay, i think to myself, UP!

"Okay, my Emma.....let's get Pickles and go outside."

'YAY!!! PWICKLES, YOU CAN GO OUT TO POOOOOPPPP!"

Why is the work "poop' so much fun for little kids?

Suddenly, i remember.

It's Kindergarten. Assessment. Day.

I'm not ready for Kindergarten Assessment Day.

Emma is.

I'm not.

Emma and i go out to watch Pickles do her thing. Emma starts her chores of feeding and watering Pickles as i get out strawberries and grapes and cereal for breakfast.

"Emma, today we are going to your new school!" i say in my most fake happy voice.

"YAY!!!" Emma screeches.

Yay indeed.

"I want to wear a bow. Can we go now, Mama?!?!?"

"No, Emma, breakfast first, bath next, getting dressed and finishing your chores first." i mumble.

"YAY!!" she screeches again.

"Not ready to let you go, yet, Emma...." my mind is silently screaming to myself. "Not ready to let you go...."

Off to do her chores she goes, Pickles running after her.

"I'll hurry, Mama!!!"

'We can be late,' i think to myself. Late as in just skipping this whole dang thing...will the police haul me off to jail if i decide not to take her to kindergarten? hmm, they might not, but my sweet husband will.

Breakfast done.

Bath/Shower done.

Dressed.

Chores done.

Pickles out again to do her thing.

It's time for us to go to Emma's new school.

'Damn it', i think to myself....'why does she have to be so excited?'

We get into George (the Honda) and make the short drive to the school. I'm grumpy. Emma, on the other hand, is happy, chatting and ready to see her new school.

"Emma, are you nervous?" i ask her.

"No! Gwod is wiff me, Mommy! You don't be scared cuz God is wiff you, too!" she answers.

Great. Emma picks now to tell me the things i've been telling her.

'WOW, MOMMY! LOOK AT MY NEW SCHOOL!!!!"

sigh.

"I know, Emma! Isn't it beautiful!! You are going to love it, i'm sure!!" i say in my very fake happy voice.

We park and into the school we go....Emma telling everyone she sees "HI!".

More sighing from me....

As we walk into the school office, Emma is her happy, chatty self.

"WOW, Mama! Look at how big my new school is!!"

grrrr.....yeah, it IS big. And it's really nice, too.

Emma and i walk through the school, holding hands, looking at the cafeteria ("I'm going to eat my lunch dere, Mama!"), at the library (OOOOOO....wlook at all da books!"), at the music room and the gym "I woffe the gym, Mommy!!!"). We finally find the Kindergarten "Wing".

Emma, walks up to the desk where we need to sign in and says.....

"HI! I'm Emma Johannes. I live at...."

oy.

She's going to love school, isn't she?

The teacher who is doing the assessments comes out and introduces herself and my Emma starts her speech again:

"Hi!! I'm Emma Johannes!! I live at......"

I smile.

"Mama, you can go sit ovber dere. I'll be back."

What?

Sweet Jesus.

I do as my Emma tells me...sitting in my little chair, staring at the wall with the paperwork i need to fill out.

How did Kindergarten come so fast?

Wasn't it just yesterday that she learned to crawl?

Wasn't it just yesterday that she learned to walk?

Who are these teachers? Will they take good care of my Emma? Will they love on her as they teach her new things? Will they comfort her if she gets scared?

I sit in my little chair, lost in thought, trying desperately to hold back tears.

After a few minutes, Emma comes running towards me.

"Mama!! I done! Let's go to the Dwollar Stwore!"

"Okay!" I tell her.

"Mrs. J, she did wonderful. Sweetheart, we'll see you on your first day, okay?" the teacher smiles at us.

She probably thinks that i'm some nutty Mother who has issues....oh, wait. I am that Mother, aren't i?

"Mama, i am going to WLOOOBBBBEEEE coming to school hwere!!"

Emma takes my hand and we walk together down the hallways to the office to sign out.

"So, everything okay, Emma?" i ask.

"Yep! Mama, can we go to wlunch wiff Dada?"

"Of course. Let's go get your Dad!" i smile to myself.

And together, she and i get into the car....me and my little kindergartner.

Summer....

....is winding down for us. It has been a great summer and i truly don't want it to end. It's not that i am a fan of hot, humid, miserable weather because nothing could be farther from the truth! The end of this summer starts a whole new journey for Emma and i....she will be a kindergartner. Yep, you've read that correctly, my little daughter will be starting school.

While she did attend pre-k last year, we didn't get accepted to the program till early January and it wasn't a full day program. Emma had a lot of challenges in pre-k....i affectionately referred to her as the "pre-k rebel". We were blessed to have a wonderful first year teacher that i can't say enough about. Ms. Kelly was amazing through the many issues that we (okay, 'she') had with Emma. It was obvious that there were somethings going on with Emma that we have had to address....and once i was finally able to figure out some of those issues, my daughter's personality and traits fell into place where i could understand them and understand why Emma was, well, Emma. I finally understood that all of the odd traits that Emma had weren't just 'traits' that made Emma the little girl that she is.

My little girl has SPD.

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Suddenly, everything made sense. I understood the reasons why Emma covered her ears when there were certain loud noises. I understood the reasons why she tasted and smelled e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I understood the reasons why she throws herself on the floor. I understood the reasons why she jumped and bounced all of the time. I understood the reasons why she colors and writes her letters the way she does. I understood the reasons why things were just too much for her, she would act the way she did.

I finally understood.

I finally got it.

Understanding and fixing are two different things. SPD therapy helps to teach Emma how to deal with issues through play. You can't really 'fix' SPD; you just learn to deal with it better. At Emma's age, she just deals with these issues the best way she can. A good example is if we are in an area where there are loud noises, she will clamp her hands over her ears and stomp her feet as she walks. That's her way of dealing with the noise....some how, the stomping of her feet soothes her.

SPD therapy is helping. I will be the first to admit that when i saw what she would be doing in therapy, well, lets just say i didn't get get it. Jumping on a mini-trampoline and landing on foamy things? Going through sock tunnels? Digging out little items that were stuck inside some kind of stuff that looked like play-doh? Picking out mini-dinosaurs with tongs out of a container of beans? Swinging on a large swing in it's own room while laying on her stomach?!? Really? This would help??

Yep.

These things are helping.

And i am grateful.

I have to say that i am in total love with our school district. The teachers that i have met and the people that they have in place to help children are amazing. They truly care for the students in their care. These teachers want your child to have the best possible experience in school that they can have. These teachers want your child to love school and learning. They are amazing...

So, in a week, Emma will have her first full day of kindergarten. Please keep her in your prayers that she loves school and that i also adjust to her being in school. I'm afraid that kindergarten has sneaked up on me and i'm a bit sad that this time with Emma is coming to an end. I'm excited for her, though...she will meet new friends and she will learn so very much. Emma loves being around other children, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that all will be well and that any issues with her SPD will be something that we can successfully deal with.

sigh...It's time for my little one to take another step towards growing up into a big girl, isn't it?

We've adopted......

.....a SAILOR!
Yep, we have "adopted" a sailor who is currently deployed at sea! I found out about a ministry that a friend of mine has started where she finds folks to 'adopt' a new sailor on their first deployment. I was so excited when i found out that she matched us with a sailor! We get to send cards, care boxes and pray for our sailors. I've been trying to find something that i could include Emma in on and this is perfect. It's a bit hard sometimes to figure out how to 'serve' as a Mama with a five year old....Emma has drawn pictures for our sailor and she's done crafts. I love how she wants to 'pway for our sailwor'! Above are a few pics of our first care package to her...so much fun to put together!

Our sailor is very young; she is 20 years old and this is her first deployment. I can tell how homesick she is. It must be difficult to be on a ship that is in dangerous waters. I sometimes am shocked at how young she looks when i see her photo. I can't imagine how her Mama must feel...

One of the reasons i wanted to do this was for us, as a family, to honor Matt. I think that he would have thought us doing this was neat...a few days ago, it was a year that Matt was lost at sea in the Gulf of Aden. I spend a lot of time wondering what might have been if Matt had never been lost; perhaps it's better to celebrate Matt's life and do acts of service in his name. I can't imagine the pain that his parents, sister and grandparents feel at his loss. I do know that they are very proud of him as he comes from a long line of Navy Men.


Matt

You aren't forgotten, Matt....you never will be. You will forever be in our minds and hearts and we will continue to pray for your Dad, Mama, sister and grandparents.

A day at the Nashville Zoo

Best. Day. Ever.