Don't Blink....

I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said "All I can say is."

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said
"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

So I've been tryin' ta slow it down
I've been tryin' ta take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So Don't blink

Naw, don't blink, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think
Don't Blink...



The above song is something that i've taken to singing to you softly when it's just you and i at night. It is a song that Kenny Chessney sings and every time i hear this song, i reminded just how very fast that time passes. Every time i blink, dear Emma, it's like you've learned something new or said a new word. How fast you are growing up and learning things. I try so very hard to savor every moment with you for i know how fast this time will pass for us.

You can now say the word "turtle". You are also trying to say the word "abuela" and you and i carry on "conversations all day long. I ask you questions and you babble back and when you are finished babbling, i answer and so it goes. Your language skills are growing as you are. You have finally gotten over your fear of the steps; you haven't gone near them since your Aunt Claudine took her eye off of you for just a second and you fell down the three stairs going into the kitchen where your Daddy was. Two days ago, you tottled up those very three stairs, yesterday, you decided to surprise (okay, perhaps that word is "shock") your Mommy by climbing up the front stairs. I left you at the front door where you were waving to our neighbor and her children to get the brownies i was baking for a friend out of the oven. When i came back, you were already half way up the stairs! Needless to say, this weekend, your Daddy and i are putting up gates at all of the stairs so Mommy won't have a heart attack.

Last night, your Daddy came home and you and he played in the "play zone" together as the two of you do every night when he comes home. He was so very tired and fell asleep. I was trying to get some laundry done and i looked over to where the two of you were and YOU WERE STANDING ON TOP OF THE OTTOMAN!! I just stood there, rooted to the floor as i watched you balance on top of the ottoman, holding my breath. I then called out to your Dad who immediatley woke up....and about the very second, you took a step off the ottoman before either one of us could get to you. On to the floor you fell and you instantly were in tears. Of course, after hugs and kisses (and my going over you to make sure no bones were broken, please don't laugh at me as you read this) you were fine and full of giggles. How in the world you climbed up there is beyond me, but let's just say that you now don't go far without me following behind you!

I love you, dear Emma.....you are such a joyful child, smiling and laughing and playing with us. I thank God and your birth mother daily for you-you are such a gift to your Daddy and i.

Love you to the Moon and back....

Mommy

Making Peace

I think that we all sometimes struggle in our relationships with our parents as we get older. We finally come to see them in "grown up" terms realizing that they, like anyone else, have faults. Parents are seldom perfect and i know this now, but i guess i hold parents to a higher standard and think that they should try to be as perfect as possible. (oddly, enough, i hold politicians to this same high standard....) Oh, of course, i thought all of these things BEFORE i became a parent. It's so easy to be a parent when you don't have children, isn't it?

I remember growing up, i would wait for my Dad to come home by the window, looking for his car. He would hug me, swing me around and laugh. I remember his smell and of course, at such a young age, you don't really know what those smells are....it's a Daddy smell. Being in the military, he was gone a lot....sometimes for well over a year at a time. Naturally, my sister and i had a stronger relationship with my Mother as it seemed to be just the three of us growing up. My Mom was a great cook and even a better baker. Many hours were spent in the kitchen with my sister, watching her cook, wishing that one day, i would be able to cook as she did. I always thought it odd when i got into my teenage years and saw how when my Dad did come home, my Mom, my competent strong Mom, would take a back seat to my Dad and let him handle things. And of course, it was during my teenage years that i figured out that "Daddy smell"....it was a sweet mixture of sweat and liquor. It goes without saying that during that time, i also noticed many military men drank...and drank a lot. My Dad was no exception. He wasn't a mean drunk....kind of a social happy drunk. (yeah, like that makes it better, eh?)

I never liked how he treated my Mom, though. I never felt that he was loving enough, took care of her enough, loved her like she loved him. Of course, who knows what goes on in someone else's marriage? When my Mom got sick, i was angry at him that he didn't do more, take her to the doctors that my sister and i wanted him to take her to, angry at him because he said that "she" didn't want to go to those doctors, that he wasn't more affectionate towards her. Crap, i was just angry....cancer is not a pretty disease. Many, many advances have been made in cancer, but none of these would help my Mom once my sister and i drug her the doctors that we felt could help her. It was just too late to help her.

It's well known that drinkers sometime have other vices....like gambling. Yep, my Dad signed up for that. And like most gamblers, he lost big. He lost very big. And i was the one who figured this out when i had moved down to Atlanta to take care of her during her last months. I was angry. How could ANYONE be so careless, so irresponsible? How could ANYONE loose this much money?? My Mom was so careful with money, always believing that you should save, save, save as you never know what may happen. They lived very comfortable lives because of how she saved and invested. To have this happen during the time my Mom was sick? If i needed anything to push me over the edge in my relationship with him, this did it. I haven't spoken to him since my Mom's funeral....after writing him a letter saying that if he didn't get help, didn't stop gambling, i wanted no part of his life and would not let him be a part of my life. And so it was....

...until yesterday. A package arrived at our door. My husband orders everything online: books, diapers, formula, videos, things for his company so i picked up the package not paying attention to it and tossed it on the table. Emma and i went about our day and this package sat on our dinning room table. Upon coming home, i tell my husband that there's a package on the table for him. He comes and finds me and Emma playing "Chase Mommy" in the hallway and hands me the package. It's from my Dad. I hold the package, hearing my heart beat in my ears. What is it? Why has he sent me something? Why can't he just go away? It's easier to not think about how much i miss my Mom when i don't have contact with him...

I take the package into our den and open it. It is addressed to all three of us, which is a surprise. I peer into the package that seems to be so carefully wrapped and it is a package of the very cookies that my Mom would make for me that i loved so much: Pecan Puffs or some folks call them wedding cookies. There is also a small bag of Pecan Puffs sans pecans for little Emma. I can suddenly feel my Mom around me as i taste one of the cookies, i can feel her around me telling me that he's trying to make peace with me. And of course, i cry. Not pretty tears, or sniffing tears, but big sloppy i-miss--my-Mom tears....

I call my sister after i manage to get a hold of myself. No cookies for her.
In fact, she's hasn't spoken to him in weeks...and then it was because she is handing his finances to ensure that he won't gamble away the money that is left. He apparently is staying on the budget that she has him on. She's surprised, i can tell, that he's sent me those cookies that he baked. (He is also a wonderful baker and cook; why i got none of these genes except for cup cake making is beyond me....) And then she tells me the exact words that my husband told me "You do understand that he's trying to make peace with you, don't you?"

I called him this morning. I called the house because i knew he wouldn't answer as he's at work. I thanked him for the cookies and for thinking about Emma. And tell him that i miss him. And tell him that if he wants, he can come visit. And that i love him.

And i hang up and know that i've done what my Mom would have wanted me to do....

Adoption in Guatemala

Adoption in Guatemala
Dear Emma,

I am not sure at what point i'll let you read this journal but there is so much going on in Guatemala right now with international adoptions that it makes me sad beyone words. As you grow up, you'll learn that women in the world don't all have the same rights and freedom that women in the United States have. Simple, basic rights, like being able to vote, to run for office, the freedom of education; things that i think sometimes as women in the United States we take for granted. We have so much as a country, Emma. Yes, there are bad things that happen here, there still is racial divide, still hate crimes that occur....but overall, as a country, i think that we have the best of the freedoms possible.

I belong to a few yahoo groups on adoption. They were a life saver while we started our adoption of you and an even better support as we waited and figured out the processes. Many sad stories happened on the boards, like adoptions falling thru, children not being available for adoption, children getting sick and dying due to the sickness and never coming home to their adoptive families. There are happy stories too, of children who do come home to parents who love them beyond words, who are thrilled to be parents, who then do all they can do as parents to love their children. Many of these parents (i dare say not all!) make plans to go back to Guatemala with their children to show them what a beautiful country Guatemala is. There is extreme poverty in Guatemala...sometimes so extreme that it hurts your heart to hear of it or even begin to imagine it.

The below post is one that i made this morning on a thread that i was reading. Whether a good or bad post, well, it's how i was feeling this morning. Women's rights is something near and dear to my heart....and i hope that one day in your lifetime, all women will have those basic rights...especially in your beautiful Guatemala

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Doesn't it bother anyone other than me, that so many people keep writing to this (and other) lists comparing children to toys and other commodities? Comparing the responsiblities of the toy makers in China to the resposiblities to the folks in the United States? I truly do understand that folks are looking for some parallels with regard to holding people/agencies/ businesses accountable, but isn't that the very thing that bothers us about other adoption conversations (e.g. people asking how much it cost to buy our kids . . . people accusing birth parents of selling their children)? Please understand that this comment is not to criticize anyone in particular, just to point out that the conversation on this level is disturbing at best to me.

I just caught a the last half hour of a show on the documentary channel last weekend, maybe called the Plight of Guatemalan Women and I think that would show the difference in the attitude and violence toward women that is different there than here in the U.S. Please don't think i am trying to imply that all people are like that, but it's very common for crimes to happen to women and young girls and horrific things like burning people there DOES happen. It has been documented. The police do nothing in most cases. It hasn't been that many years that our country didn't have resources for battered women and still in rural areas there's nothing. The resources in Guatemala are so very limited to help women compared to what we have here--obviously, take a look at the adoption issues and lack of resources for pregnant women. I know in my limited travels that I haven't seen much of the "real" Guatemala. I have read books though that are very disturbing. And while i know that reading a book and 'seeing the real Guatemala' is a very different thing, it sounds very unsafe now for women and will probably be that way for a very, very long time.

I think that some folks miss the point about women's rights in Guatemala. Guatemalans are, as a general rule, nice people. But the lack of resources, education, justice and law
enforcement in many areas, leave the most vulnerable part of the population, women and children, at the mercy of the men. The Inter American Commission of Human Rights has a report that you may find too strong, but for us who live here, it sounds about right. I can provide the link if you like....but the sad fact is that men, and only men usually make the rules where women and children are concerned with very little (actually, i would dare to say none) input from women.

I have a friend who became friends with a woman from Guatemala who was here in the United States as a student with her husband. He beat her badly several times and finally she left and went to Safe Place - a home for battered women- with her 2 children and little else. This was shortly before Christmas one year. They spent Christmas with us, but
Safe Place had given her gifts- nice gifts- for her children. She and I were in talking, and she said that being here possibly saved her life. She said that in Guatemala the police do nothing about wife beatings, and that she would have had no recourse there, but to go on taking the beatings or leaving to live on the streets, that they had no facilities like Safe Place there. Until you take care of women and children in a country, well, i truly don't believe that the country will be a strong one. While educating men and boys is a good idea, educating women is even better as women will go back to their villages and share the info with other women. Men have a tendency to leave their communities for better areas once educated.

And so, maybe, just maybe, someone wants to talk about women's rights here . No one wants to have children stolen from their birthmoms . No one wants the birthmoms to feel coerced into giving up their children . . . but it seems curious that in a so-called effort to keep that from happening the authorities are quite interested in prosecuting the women who (possibly for very legitimate reasons) have used false identities, etc. to enable them to give their OWN biological children up for adoption. Women in Guatemala face great risk under everyday circumstances, add considering adoption to the mix and some may face extra abuse, torture and death. If the risk for putting a child up for adoption is being, say, burned to death by the members of their community (due to the serious beliefs that babies are sold for their body parts) and the women are doing it anyway it seems reasonable to assume that they (a) have the best interests of the children at heart, and (b) have "their reasons" for assuming false identities or moving around a lot or not being easily located, and (c) aren't in it for the money . . . at least not in the way people like to think.

Under what circumstances would we "sell" our children? No, seriously, lets face the dark and dirty question . . . picture your life such that the question of selling your child might hold some consideration for you . . . what would make you consider it? (And I don't mean the classic question of "is there an amount of money great enough to make you sell your child?" I mean "is there a circumstance dire enough?") Then grant the same intensity of love you have for your kids (even before you had them "home" by birth or adoption) to the women in question here. The women of Guatemala alive today are survivors . . . survivors of war, abuse, torture . . . survivors of poverty, terror, fear . . . survivors of racism, sexism, hatred . . . they make choices for their children in a cultural landscape of very, very few options. If they get caught by the government for concealing their identity or by their husbands for getting pregnant when they're not supposed to or by their communities for putting them up for adoption what happens then?

What then? Tell me, what then? Who truly will loose?

The children. That's who will loose. Innocent childen, that's who.



Know, my dear Emma that i love you with all my heart. Words cannot describe how my soul fills when you smile at me or grab my hand or hug me. Words cannot describe how my heart fills when you greet your Daddy with squeals and smiles and giggles. You have become your Dad's and my greatest blessing, little one.

Love you to the moon and back....

Mommy

Rest In Peace, Dear Scale

This past weekend, i thought that it would be a good time to buy one of those fancy, neat-o scales that not only weigh you, but give out all kind of info that you probably don't want to know in big red numbers. (Those red numbers are digital and are bright enough for my neighbors to see, btw...which would be fine if i was a small hippo and not a 42 year old woman trying to get healthy and lose weight.) I was VERY excited about this new shiny scale....after buying it, i carefully brought it into the house, unwrapped it out of it's box, read all the directions (yep, it came with 8 pages of directions!) and set it up in the place of my old, trusty scale. Which was kinda sad as my old trusty scale and i have been together for almost 20 years....it's seen me though a lot those years. But newer is better, right? And everyone serious about their weight needs a fancy scale with big red digital numbers, right?

The next morning, naked as a blue jay, i 'hopped' on my new shinny scale.

It read 189 lbs.

My heart stated to pump hard, my breathing became shallow, i started to sweat and i truly thought that i was going to faint. I was NOT 189lbs- i weighed yesterday on "Betsy" (that's what i called my old scale) and she has told me that i weighed 179lbs. Maybe i had forgotten to un-dress and take my shoes off?? Did i forget to take my earrings and rings off?? (like they could have possibly weighed 10 pounds....) Did i pee? I did pee didn't i???? Is Emma standing on the scale WITH me?!?!?!?!

I looked down again....Nope, i was truly naked. No earrings, no rings, no earrings, no shoes, no clothes, and yes, i pee'd before i had hopped on the devil's scale. And nope, no baby attached to my leg to make my weight higher.

And that stupid scale STILL SAID 189LB. In fact, it started flashing the number at me to "let me know it was done weighing me". It kept flashing, though, as if to taunt me. Dumb @#*#@ scale.

I jump off and hop on my old trusty Betsy scale. It reads 179lbs.

Back onto the new scale (maybe it was too early for it to work properly?) in the hopes that it realized it's mistake and could see that the OTHER GOOD Betsy scale had my weight at 179lbs. Nope, the new scale did not see that good Betsy had weighted me at the correct weight so it had not realized it's mistake as it still read 189lbs.

I get off the new scale and kick it violently, which kinda hurt as i didn't have shoes on.

So i decided to pee again, you know, just in case.

Hopped back on new shinny scale....IT STILL READS 189lbs.

Back on to my ol' "good" Betsy scale and it still reads 179lbs.

I am mad. I'm more than mad, i'm upset. To the point of tears. After a few choice cuss words and kicking both scales and wondering if i should just take them both outside and destroy them with a hammer, i decide "That's it, NO MORE." I am done with weighing myself every single morning and every time i'm in the bathroom (yes, i weigh daily, like an insane woman). I am done being tied to my scale. I am done. I refuse to be a slave to that dang thing anymore. I refuse to let that stupid thing dictate to me how i will start my day and what kind of mood i'll be in. I refused to have a scale dictate if i'm going to be in a good mood or a bad mood, i refuse to weigh every day, twice a day, i refuse to let MY journey be dictated by shiny evil scale and Betsy.

NO MORE. NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!!!!!

I will weigh myself at the first of the month. That's it. I will go on my clothes and how i feel...my eating habits are so much better, i'm doing my treadmill 6 days a week and upping the time that i'm on it, i feel better, so that's my plan. I'm in a size 12/14 with the 14s being big. I've given up soda, i'm working on my eating plans, am eating healthier and i'm moving in the right direction....i'm in the process of thinking about re-vamping my diet to exclude meats. I'm working on me....

I haul both scales down to the basement, ignoring my husband on the way down. He knows better than to chuckle or to even ask me where i'm taking Betsy and the New Shiny Scale, seeing how i'm still naked. I put them both in the basement corner and walk away from both of them, promising to be back on them on the first of next month and not a moment before.

My husband is waiting for me at the top of the stairs. He hugs me tightly and whispers softly "Thank you for getting rid of Betsy; you are driving yourself nuts by the way you weigh yourself". And then i think about Emma; do i want my beautiful daughter to think for a second that her whole self worth and health is gauged by a number on a scale? Of course not! So why am "I" doing this???

I'll still weigh on Betsy on my once-a-month weigh in....after all, she knows my correct weight, right? What if Betsy was wrong though? What if i do weigh 189lbs??? Then i decide that i'll weigh on the evil new scale and dear Betsy every month.....and record those numbers. If they match, fine. If not, i'll just have two numbers, dang it.

I miss Betsy already. (No, i don't miss the evil shiny scale!) But it's time that my "friendship" with Betsy had some rules and boundaries so i can get on with things and understand the type of example i'm setting as Emma grows up. And besides, dear Betsy is just downstairs, waiting patiently for the first of the month when she and i will be reunited....

So, I'm Reading This Book...

I'm a big reader; of course, since becoming a Mommy, my reading time has been shorten dramatically and seems to happen only during Emma's bath time or in bed for two seconds before i fall asleep. A friend recommended that i read this book since she and i are health 'buddies' and i'm having a very hard time with this book.

The book is called "Skinny Bitch"....and wow. It is an in-your-face type of book and has made me sit down and re-think what and how i eat. I don't know much about how food is processed or how beef and chicken is farmed or how cows are milked-hey, i'm kinda a city gal. This book is graphic in how these things are done-graphic to the point of where it is difficult for me to read. (i'm an animal and tree hugger kinda woman, btw....) Now i don't know if fish have 'feelings' or if cows 'know' they are headed for slaughter, but just the description of how these things are done and how the USDA works, well, i'm re-thinking a lot of things having to do with food. The two authors talk about government regulations and who is in charge of our food that we buy. Very disturbing stuff as it goes into how the USDA's folks have a huge conflict of interest and are not looking out for us. The chapter i'm in now has to due with dairy and milk; two of my very favorite things...and of course, more troubling news for this dairy lover. :(

Here is a quote from the book on the USDA:

"One former USDA Secretary was forced to resign amid charges of accepting illegal corporate gifts from seven different companies. He was indicted on 39 felony charges, including tampering with a witness; accepting illegal gratuities; making false statements and violating the Meat Inspection Act of 1907. Tyson Foods, one of the companies that admitted to giving the Secretary corporate favors, was required to pay $4 million in fines and endure four years probation. A mere slap on the wrist, when the USDA could've barred Tyson from selling food to military bases and schools. That would've really stung, considering Tyson sold more that 10 million worth of food to the Defense Department alone in 1996. But friends don't treat friends that way......"

Who is looking out for me and my family if this stuff is true?

It also talks about high fructose corn sugar which the book calls a "bad ass sugar". It's in everything: juice, soda, beer, yogurt, energy bars, animal crackers (yes, the ones i buy for Emma), breads and even frozen foods. Apparently, it's so cheap to produce so it's so widely used in the United States. Not a good thing. The book also bashes artificial sweeteners, Splenda included.

My favorite quote in the book has to do with soda (which i have given up for almost 2months now, WOO-HOOO FOR ME!!) which says that "Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil, It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body".

This book promotes being a vegetarian; in fact, i'd dare say that it's the main goal of the book. I do know that in my after college life where i was on HUGE budget restraints, i rarely ate meat just due to the price. And steak? Please, lol, it was a rare, rare, rare treat. I did notice some things about that time looking back: i felt better healthy wise and i weighed less. I weighed a lot less. But i was a lot more active, too. I rarely ate cheese or bought milk (have you seen the price of good cheese?!?) either, which made me sad as i love cheese. But you have to do what you have to do to stay in your budget range. Of course, it was easy to go to whatever fast food place had a dollar menu, but that's a whole other subject.

So, i'm doing research into vegetarians. I don't even know if i can do this, should i do this, am i insane for even thinking about doing this (that one, lol, was from my sister, btw), have i lost my mind (another one from my very supportive sister), and what exactly do veggie folks eat?? I have a lot of reading to do. But i think that i want to do this. I've noticed when my eating is healthy and not full of junk how good i feel; i know how good i feel when i don't have a heavy meat meal. I'm not planning on making us a veggie family, nor am i going to bash every person who think i'm nuts but this is something i truly am giving serious thoughts to doing.

So, i'll let you know how my research goes....and if my sister is right in asking me if i've lost my mind or if i'm strong enough to do this.