Last night, i had some time to myself after i put Emma to sleep. So, after flipping through some channels, i came across a show that was just beginning called "Adoption Diaries". I am a sucker for happy endings, happy stories, happy songs and movies where everyone loves each other and holds hands. This show looked like it was one of those types of shows as it was the 'Diary' of a young, unmarried, twenty six year old woman who was pregnant and wanted to place her child with a family as she felt that she wasn't ready to provide for the child emotionally. She wanted her child to have a mother and a father. This young woman also wanted an open adoption and the show told how she (lets call her Amanda as i don't remember her name....) came to choose the couple that she felt was best to raise her child.
The couple wasn't able to have a child; the woman wasn't able to carry a child to term. They wanted to be parents and so they turned to adoption to help them build their family. I can't remember the parent's names, so let's call them Brad and Amy. Brad and Amy lived on a farm, loved horses and wanted children. Amanda, was raised on a farm, was also adopted, and loved horses. Amanda felt that Brad and Amy fit the description of what she wanted for a family for her child. Heck, i would have 'picked' Brad and Amy, too....but one thing kept nagging at me about Amy. I don't think that she had made peace with the fact that she couldn't have a child biologically.
As i watched this show unfold before me, i realized that Amanda made the decision to place her child for adoption intellectually. Her heart, i don't believe was on the same page as her intellect. But as the show went on, i could see that her eyes showed her heart and just how difficult a decision was going to be. Amanda's mother, who adopted Amanda at birth, said that she didn't want an open adoption when she and her husband adopted Amanda as she didn't want to "share Amanda with anyone". That comment made me sad; i wondered if Amanda's birth mother had any contact with her. I got the feeling that there was no relationship at all with Amanda's birth mother. I instantly didn't like Amanda's adoptive mother. I'm not sure why, though. How could anyone ever think that too much love from family member(especially a birth mother!) was a bad thing? I wondered what Amanda thought about this closed adoption, but she didn't say a word while her mother spoke. She just sat there....silent.
Brad, Amy and Amanda get to know each other slowly. They meet, lots of hugs all around and everything seems peachy. But as i watched Amanda closely, i got the feeling that all was not peachy with her. She seemed to say the right things, but by watching her, you could see that as her pregnancy went along, the adoption became more real to her. Plans are made for when the baby is born; Brad and Amy will be in the delivery room....they visit a few more times as they get to know each other.
Fast forward to the delivery day at the hospital. Brad and Amy are in the hospital room with Amanda, chatting with her, getting her ice chips. I was bothered. I should be cheering for Brad and Amy, right? Then why did i feel as i watched this event that Brad and Amy were ready to swoop down and carry the baby off?!? What was wrong with me? I'm an adoptive Mom, right? Then why was i on Team Amanda? I think what upset me was when Amy asked Amanda if she was sure about the adoption IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM. Are you kidding me? Why would you ask that? Amy kept saying that 'they wanted what Amanda wanted, but it sounded like hollow words to me.
Amanda's adoptive mother comes to the hospital and decides that Amanda needs her privacy; Brad and Amy are sent to the waiting room. I suddenly become Amanda's adoptive mother's biggest fan. Amy is in tears in the waiting room. There is talk that Amanda's adoptive mother is willing to help Amanda should she decide to keep the baby. The adoption plan that seemed so sure, well, isn't so sure anymore. Amy is still upset, saying that they "want what Amanda wants". I now get upset because, well, Brad and Amy are nice folks...but this whole thing, well, sucks. I want to scream at the TV to Amanda "NO, NO, NO! Don't do this! You aren't sure!" And i do what i do best at that point, i start to cry. My husband thinks i'm
Fast forward to Amanda holding her son, holding his little hand, and looking into his beautiful eyes. Amanda is talking on the phone to a lawyer about the adoption and the release paperwork that is to be filed. She is upset, very upset. She holds her son close to her and tells the lawyer to file the paperwork for the adoption. Amanda then hangs up the phone and is in tears as she holds her son. At this point, i'm in huge tears. The big, ugly tears with hiccups and blubbering and the snotty nose tears. I am stunned that she has made this decision while she is still in the hospital with her son. Amanda continues to gaze at her son, holding him, looking at this little one as to memorize all of his perfect, little features.
The next scene shows Brad and Amy at home with the baby. They are happy to be this little one's parents, they obviously love this little one. They talk about the open adoption that they will do with Amanda and how they love her for this gift she has given them. They talk about their plans for their little son and how blessed they feel.
Amanda?
She isn't heard from again.
I, of course, want to hear about Amanda. How is she? Is she okay? Does her heart ache? Is her heart broken? Does she feel that she's done the right thing? What is she doing now? Has she seen her son? Does she regret her decision? Why aren't they showing her? But Amanda is no where to be found.
And i'm still crying big, sad tears for her.
I'm truly confused at this point as to why i'm acting
I don't have the words to describe how much i love Emma and how much i love being her Mommy. This child, this little child has shown me how to love unconditionally. I feel so very blessed....until i remember that Emma's birth mother had to place her for adoption in order for me to become her mother. My heart feels blessed but i am willing to bet that Emma's birth mother doesn't feel so blessed. I pray for Emma's birth mother daily and at night, Emma and i say our prayers and ask God to watch over Emma's birth mother and keep her safe.
My husband feels that it is not my place to search for Emma's birth mother. He says that he speaks from experience, having found his birth father at the age of twenty five. Emma's search, should she decide to search, is her decision and her decision only. Not his, not mine. It's Emma's decision and only Emma's. I think that my husband thinks that i need to
And i continue to ask God to reassure Emma's birth mother's heart that Emma is happy, beautiful, loved and taken care of. That i sing to her every day. That i am teaching her Spanish. That she is a funny, dare-devil of a child who loves to laugh, sing, play and run. I ask God to watch over Emma's birth mother and keep her safe...
....and i now ask him for the same thing for Amanda.
6 thoughtful comments:
I can't imagine the pain and heartache they must feel. What a sacrifice! I've been thinking about our baby and birth mom lately because more than likely she is pregnant right now..
I can't imagine carrying a baby, birthing he/she and then having to let somebody else raise them because you don't have food to give them. It hurts my heart to think about it.
I know what you mean. It is so hard to process that all my joy is the result of someone else's pain. I also get uneasy with people saying "God planned her to be in our family, or God meant for her to be ours" etc... I can't imagine that God wants children separated from their first families but some governments and other circumstances cause it. I too pray that Annslee and Coby's first moms and dads can find peace.
Wow, I almost missed this post. Beautifully written. I feel like I watched it (but I will try to look for this show).
I agree with LaLa and you. I get uncomfortable when people "thank" the first mother for the "gift" she gave. She did not set out to give a gift...it is her child. Adoption can be very sad, but as APs, we often gloss it over and think of it from our perspective, not our child's or first mom's. Thanks for sharing. Well done.
Very thoughtfull post on self confidence.It should be very much helpfull
Thanks,
Karim - Creating Power
Hey Issy, it will all be okay, though I wish she were found so your heart could be lighter.
I saw that show too, I was on team Amy and Brad, only because the birthmom looked like a mess, sorry but she did. I kept thinking this child would be much better off with parents who truly want to be parents. Then again, back on the farm, I think they mentioned Amanda had planned a visit but then was unable to come and that "they wished she lived closer" and I remember thinking it sounded hollow and that they are thankful she is half way across the country. Ah, adopoption, it's so complex.
~M
Issy....this post is so wonderful and heartfelt. People often times paint the birth mom in a bad light and the bottom line (no matter the circumstances) is that they do NOT have their child and this is MONUMENTAL! We have open adoptions so know three of our birth momma's but my Chinese American kids will not...I oftentimes pray for their birth momma's...and will them to know...SOME HOW...that their babies are SO loved and cherished and that THEY are too because of the sacrifices they made.
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