Missing Mama....

I wish that i could say that after 5 years, i miss my Mama less.

I miss her as much today, five years since she died, than ever before.

I do "feel" her around me more these days in the things that i do, in the things that i am trying to teach Emma, and in the way i am Emma's Mommy. I feel her when i bake her recipe for Chicken and Rice or bake Snowball Cookies. I feel her when i try to teach Emma how to clean up after herself and tie her shoes. I feel her when i hug my daughter in the mornings....and i feel her when i tuck Emma to bed at night after her prayers.

I still struggle with feeling "cheated" that she is not here physically with me. I get angry at God, telling Him that my Mama should be here with me, that surely I need her more than He does. I also tell him how much i miss her, how much i want her to see the mother i am becoming to Emma. I want her to be here for Emma, to love on her, play with her, teach her Spanish and bake with her. I sometimes scream that it's not fair that He took her from me.

And then i remember that i had my mother in my life for almost 40 years and i feel selfish for being angry at God. I had my Mama for my baby years, my preschool years, my elementary school years, my middle/high school years, my college years and all during my disaster of a first marriage.

My Mama also met Robert in 2006, and who i was blessed to marry in 2007.

She loved him and he loved her. They always joked about going dancing together once she felt better.

That dance never happened.

My Mama never got the chance to meet my Emma; Mama passed away in January 2007 and Emma came home to us in July of 2007. This probably makes my heart ache the most as my Mama would have loved Emma and Emma would have loved my Mama. It's ironic that Emma and my Mama have some of the same, odd personality traits: neither wants to be kissed unless THEY want to be kissed, and neither wants to hug unless THEY want to be hugged.

I don't know how to make the ache in my heart hurt less. I cry some mornings because i just want to call her, to hear her voice and i can't. I cry at holidays, because she is the one that made them special and she's not here to do that anymore. I cry on my birthday because there is no phone call from her, so she can sing Happy Birthday to me in Spanish.

She was an awesome Mama...

...and i miss her so much.