An update on JOY

 

This year, i decided to pick the word "JOY" to define my year. It would be the one word that would set the tone for the start of the year. I'm still not sure why the word "JOY" kept nugging me, but it did, so i decided to go with it.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? Really, how hard can focusing on "JOY" be?

A lot harder than i ever thought, it seems.

Some parts of this year, well, have been easy to find "JOY" in. My daughter, my husband and simple things like, finding the joyful moments in daily life. Whether feeding the birds with my daughter, coloring and drawing with her to waiting up for my husband to share dinner, i've done a good job at finding "JOY".

In the other parts of my life, well, "JOY" seems to be, at the very least, hard to find. I've struggled a lot this year with my faith and the questions that seem to be never ending or have no answers. The words "faith" and "answers" sometimes don't go together too well, i'm finding out much to my dismay, which leads to anger!. I think that i deserve need answers to everything that happens.

EVERYTHING should have answers, no?

Apparently, the answer that to that question is "NO" and that i don't "deserve" answers to everything that happens. I don't understand why in the world God and i are not on the same page on this as it's not like i've repeatedly asked for answers in everything that happens. I have a feeling He's up there, chuckling at me as i 'ask nicely' for Him to please give me all of the answers that i want. He probably calls the angels over so they can all have a good chuckle.

Many of you know that i lost my Mom to cancer in 2007. Helplessness, anger, sadness, questions and even more anger still linger. I hate being this honest, but this feelings still linger. The "whys" of it, why her, why not someone else, why not later, why not fix it, why pray more are haunting some days. I just don't understand why a woman, a mother, a grandmother died of cancer. I don't understand why MY Mama died of cancer.

Fast forward to a college friend, Danielle. Cancer. She passes away after fighting for 2 years of breast cancer. Danielle never gets married, never has children, never gets to find her dream job....all of the things that she wants so desperately to do.

A long ago friend from work, Amy, finds out that her Dad has cancer. Thankfully, he is still fighting and seems to be doing well at the moment. My "JOY" is full of joy at this news!

Fast forward to sweet Ms. Jo. Again, cancer. How i've grown to hate this word. By this time, i know more about cancer and more about what works in how to take care of someone with cancer than i ever wanted to know. I've read all kinds of articles, different kinds of research, anything i can find. Ms. Jo has Ovarian Cancer and passes away after a little over a two year battle. A much loved wife, mother, Nana and friend is gone.

A few months after Ms. Jo passes away, a sweet friend at MOPS, Leslee, looses her much, much loved Mama to a short battle with cancer. Gone is her beloved mama, gone is a beloved wife, gone is a beloved grandma, gone is a beloved friend. Leslee's mama touched so many lives during her life....

And now, a favorite mentor at MOPS has shared with us recently that her pregnant daughter-in-law, Sally, has breast cancer. Ms. Gail asks for prayers. We pray...and pray hard. She is just like "us"; mothers. Sally has treatment while pregnant (none that will hurt the baby) and a little while after that, her son, Drew, is born. We rejoice....and are thrilled. Sally and her husband take their son home and they are loved on by family and friends.

Unexplained headaches show up for Sally...and they are bad headaches.

The cancer has spread.

She now has brain cancer and is undergoing more treatment.

I am heartbroken.

Why? Why? Why?

This stuff, this cancer stuff, has completely destroyed "JOY" in this part of my life. This stuff, this year, has taken me to the darkest of places. The dark places are sad, angry places, filled with feelings hopelessness and grief. The dark place is like a blanket that covers me. The dark follows me every where i go, never leaving, always there on the fringe of my life, constantly reminding me that i don't have answers, i don't know why, reminding me that life, even in it's best times, can be a scary place full of unknowns. The dark place wants me to hide and stay hidden because i realize that....

....other than pray and love on people, there is nothing that i can do about it.

Nothing. "JOY" is smashed into a million little pieces.

As my husband gently reminds me "It's life and it is what it is."

I don't like that answer because i want to do big things. I want to be able to wipe away cancer, to pray it away. I just don't want to send cards, pray constantly, make phone calls to see what i can do, bring dinners, or bake things. I want to do something that requires a SuperCancerKiller outfit: a cape, some tights with a great pair of boots, and the ability to fly and smash things.

I want to do BIG THINGS.

I want to get rid of the cancer. I want to smash it to pieces.

With my cool SuperCancerKiller boots.

None of these folks had habits that would warrant having cancer. All, went to doctors for check ups. All took pretty good care of themselves. All of these women (and one man!) are special women/men in the lives of others. They serve others, are active in their community and church families, are much loved, are much respected, have families that love them desperately.

I hate cancer.

I. HATE. CANCER.

With a passion.

I also want God to step in.

If He's not going to get rid of the cancer, than maybe, maybe explain "why". I don't even need an entire answer; maybe just a few hints as to "why". Or just ONE hint to "why".

And so, i continue to do the things that aren't "big" things. I pray desperate prayers. I send cards. I call. I bake. I am without my SuperCancerKiller outfit and i try to bring "JOY" to others as my heart fights to get out of my dark place.

I want this part of my "JOY" back...

Banana Nut Bread

Really, i am too much. Or i really am turning into my mother with all of this cooking and baking stuff. First the jam, now the Banana Bread....but i so love this recipe. It's one of my Mama's recipe but i have no idea where she got it from. It may be from a old church cookbook or a Lion's Club Cookbook; she loved getting and trying recipes from these kinda cookbooks. I'm grateful that i managed to get as many recipes from her as i could find. I love seeing her handwriting on a recipe where she changed, added or subtracted something to make it 'better'. I keep all of my recipes in clear sheet protectors, filed in a large black three-ringed binder like a recipe nerd would do so i can keep track of them. Yeah, my Mama did the very same thing....not only do i come from a batch of Mother Earth types, i also apparently come from a long list of control freaks who must have everything in perfect order.

Since i had bananas that were spotting, I decided to bake Banana Bread this morning from my favorite recipe. Of course, i had to add certain things, like, chocolate and pecans because it's so very healthy to add chocolate and pecans to everything and anything that i bake if i can get away with it. Honestly, though, it's just not "my" Banana Bread if it doesn't have chocolate and pecans. A piece of this bread with a large glass of milk, and i almost feel like i'm sitting in my Mama's kitchen again....

It's it amazing how a scent, a baked bread, or a song on the radio can transport you back? Just hearing a certain song can transport me back into a red Darango with the windows down, singing to a long-ago much loved, boyfriend, who i was certain would always be around. The scents of fresh bread, or Spanish cooking take me back to my Mama, watching, talking and giggling with her after a long school day; soft country music playing in the background. I guess that's nature's way of keeping treasured memories with us long after the time has moved on....

Back to the Banana Bread and it's recipe...

Banana Bread
3 or 4 ripe bananas smashed (use four...trust me on this)
1 cup melted BUTTER (please use butter...)
1 cup sugar
1 egg beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla (or a touch more...)
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

~Preheat oven to 350 degrees
~With wooden spoon, mix butter into mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in sugar, egg and vanilla.
~Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add flour last, mix til just mixed.
~Add in the chopped pecans (i just eye-ball the pecans amount) and chocolate (i use Baker's Semi-Sweet Chocolate and chop 2 squares up). Mix till just mixed and pour mixture into a buttered (i use PAM) 4x8 loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Cool on rack.

Just a note about the butter: i used Publix store brand and skip the 'pinch of salt'.

I think that i will have Banana Bread with a large glass of milk for dinner, because, you know, it's just so healthy with all the bananas in it.

The Jam Woman

....apparently, it is in my jeans genes to be a "Mother Earth" type. I have fought against this for a very long time; i came from a long line of "Mother Earth" types, such as my Great Grandma, my Grandma, my Aunt Miguela, and my Mama. I didn't want to be the type of woman who grew trees from seeds for fruit. I didn't want to be the type of woman who could take a curtain and make a summer shirt out of it by sewing. I didn't want to grow tomatoes or cucumbers. I didn't want to be the type of woman who went and picked their own pecans and shelled them instead of paying for them. I didn't want to be the type of woman who picked fruit and made jam....

I wanted to be a "working girl".

Yeah. Been there, done that. Not so much fun.

But i did have a lot of nice working girl clothes and amazing heels....

("working girl" clothes didn't somehow sound right, LOL....)

I really had no idea, none at all that i would morph into a Mother Earth type. I made fun of the women in my life for being Mother Earth types. I teased, giggled and laughed at them unmercifully. The chances of me being Mother Earth were about the same as me getting re-married and having a daughter. I was sure of it!

Oh.

Wait a second.

That's right.

I did get re-married and have a daughter.

hehee.....(blush)

I forget things sometimes.

Anyhoo, i made Strawberry Jam yesterday and Strawberry Creame Cheese for bagels.

It was awesome.

It was amazing.

It was FUN.

And it turned out so yummy.

The next thing that will probably happen is that i'll be planting fruit trees in the back yard.

Oh, wait....i'm planning on doing that, aren't i?

sigh.....

Easy Jam Recipe from The Loveless Cafe

~5 cups of Strawberries, cleaned, hulled and cut in half.
~1 cup of sugar (i think that you could use less...)

Directions: Place cleaned, hulled and cut Strawberries into a pot that you'll cook them in. Pour sugar all over strawberries and stir to get all strawberries covered. Let the strawberries and sugar sit for 2 hours so the strawberries will release their juices. After sitting for two hours in their sugar-bath, heat on stove, stirring occasionally for 45 minutes or till your jam is the consistency you like. Put in jar with a lid with a good seal; a Mason Jar and lid is perfect. If you'd like to make the Strawberry Creame Cheese, just add 8 oz of cream cheese to your jam after it's cooled. Store in refrigerator or give as gifts.

Again.

A few short weeks ago, i received a call from a friend about Leslee, a woman in our MOPS group that i have admired a great deal. Leslee has four small children and is the wife of a minister. She is a gentle soul, Leslee is, with a heart that is giving and full of love for her family.

The phone call from Leslee's best friend, Jennifer, literally took my breath away as i learned that her mother had cancer and was not given much time.

"Much time" as in weeks or days.

I wanted to help. I wanted to do something, anything.

What i really wanted was to make my sweet friend's mother better.

Better, you know, as in cured.

You can imagine all of the emotions that i felt and how i felt like, at that very moment, yelling at God and then begging him to stop what was going on with Leslee's sweet Mama.

Last night, i received this email from Jennifer:

Our sweet, precious sister in Christ went home to be with our Lord this evening, about an hour ago. She fought really hard, especially these last few days. I know most of you did not have the privilege of knowing her, but I did for the past 20 years. What a kind, caring, funny, loving servant she always was. She was a wife of 44 years to Larry, mother to three grown children (Sean, Leslee, and Wes) and a grandmother of eight (Emily, Christopher, Carly, Samara, Grace, Josiah, Hannah and Lindsay). She has always been like a mother to me and I will truly miss her.

I can say from the bottom of my heart thank you to each one if you who have reached out to Leslee and her family during this difficult time. Whether it was food, money, prayers, a kind word or email, it will never be forgotten.

There will be two services for her mother, one in Lafayette, Georgia and one here in Hendersonville. As soon as I have details about that, I will let you know as you may want to support Leslee.

Thank you again!!

Jennifer


I guess that God did stop what was happening to Leslee's Mama.

But not in the way i wanted Him to stop it.

It works like that sometimes, doesn't it?

But i hate this. I hate that cancer has taken away Leslee's Mama. I know, i know, Leslee's Mama is in heaven, she's not sick anymore, and she's with God. I know.

Really, i do know this.

I know that her 'work' on earth as God's servant is complete and she's where God wants her to be.

But what about the rest of us?

Okay, mainly me at this moment....

I want her here.

I want Leslee's Mama here on earth with her family.

I sound amazingly like a four year old, don't i?

This family has lost a beloved mother, a wonderful wife, and a loving grandma. Friends who count on Leslee's Mama have lost an amazing friend. The church that Leslee's Mama attends has lost an amazing woman who loved God with all her heart.

I want to be encouraging to Leslee, but my heart, well, screams of things that are not so encouraging, like:

~The pain of loosing your mother does NOT go away. You just learn to deal with it a little better.

~You will ALWAYS wonder: "What would my Mama think/do/say about this?"

~Holiday, birthdays, and seasons are never the same. They are forever different, as is your life without her....because no one can take her place.

~You're going to get angry about loosing your Mama. Really, really angry. I got scary angry. And sometimes, i'm still angry. (I'm sure that may not be true for everyone, but.....well, anger happens to many who loose loved ones.)

~You won't believe that you can miss someone like you miss your Mama.

~You wish for one more, just one more, hug from her.

These aren't the things to say to someone that has just lost their Mama and i know this. None of these things should be said.

I try very hard to understand "God's will" and "God's plan". I don't understand. And maybe, i'm not suppose to understand or figure it out. I guess that i'll just have to work on thinking about that for a bit more as i struggle with that.

I am grateful, though, that Leslee had such an amazing mother. It has, i'm sure, shaped Leslee into the woman that i admire so much today. Leslee will pass on the goodness, love of the Lord, and all the gifts that her mother gave to her to HER children.

And so the legacy of Leslee's Mama will live on...

...as God has planned.

So much.....

....to go back and catch up on. I've taken a bit of a break from blogging to let certain things and recent events sink in, so i have lots to blog about and photos to put up and things to finish up.

Life, it seems, neither slows down or stops when things happen that you need to think about. The urge to stay in bed and pull the covers up to my chin has been a strong urge lately, but being the mother of a four year old doesn't lend well to that urge. And that may be a very good thing, otherwise, i'm sure that's where i would be.

Thank goodness for post-dating your thoughts, eh?

Back later...

One of those days....

....where one wants to crawl under the covers and stay there to hide away from life and the duties that it brings. The rainy weather doesn't help that, either; in fact, it just makes the urge to hide under the blankets more attractive and even more inviting.

Thankfully, i have a tot who will have none of that hiding under the covers stuff. She rushed in early this morning with a "Gooooddddd Mooooninnng, Mommmy!" and was ready for peanut butter toast and milk breakfast. After breakfast, it was time to play with Pato (the puppet ducky thing) and Horton the elephant. And, too, it was time to change clothes three times, look at our toenails and compare them to the elephant's toenails and eat a snack.

Who could stay in a 'hide under the covers mood' with all of that going on?!?!

There is much coming up this next week to do and to deal with. I'm heading to the Spanish Consulate in Miami on Tuesday and thankfully, Melinda is going to watch over my treasured tot while i'm gone for the day. I hope that she knows how grateful i am for her watching over Emma while i'm gone....Emma loves Ms. Mwwlinnda and Cooper so i won't have to worry about her for the day. It's a quick trip to deal with paperwork stuff, but it's a costly trip due to the last minute flight. I'm secretly excited about the trip, not because i'm going to the Consulate or going to Miami alone, but because i'll be able to bring home a stash of Spanish food and meats.

I know, i'm always thinking about food. But i miss this kind of food so much and nothing spells comfort to me more than Spanish food. Nothing. Except maybe actually being IN Spain....

I'm also headed to visit sweet Ms. Jo and Mr. Jim this weekend! I can't wait to see them and apparently it's prom weekend, so pretty Lacey, the granddaughter, will come by in her dress with her boyfriend. I'm sure that Ms. Jo is looking forward to seeing Lacey in her dress....it will be a good weekend, i'm sure. And if i'm reeallyyy lucky, maybe Mr. Jim will find us some Chicken Mull--->don't even ask, lol.

So, it's a day to be thankful for things. Like well-loved stuffed animals, story books, lots of rain for our flowers, toes that don't look like elephant toes, and a tot who always manages to remind me how much i have to be grateful and thankful for.

An update...

....about sweet Ms. Jo from her husband showed up today in my email box. I didn't want to peek at it, but then, i so wanted to know how she was doing. Even though i was there for the weekend, things have a way of changing so fast right now, almost in an instant, it seems.

Below is Mr. Jim's weekly update:

Jolynn is struggling with some of her medicines. They either taste bad, burn, or nauseate her. Some of the medicines she needs, but I refuse to put through pain or unnecessary discomfort. She has a chemical UNBALANCE now (this is from our Hospice nurse), and it happens when the liver begins to be involved that it will actually produce ammonia. This causes confusion, mood swings, angry outbursts, and some moderate memory loss; all of which she is actually having.

She is trying to fight it off but I'm afraid she can't beat this one and her anger is so not her. She can't control her emotions and repeats things over and over. The people who love you and you love the most are targeted, and you know it's only because we are here. Our love for her is without question and we will rise above this. She is not herself, but we love her no matter what.

I am going to try and attach a photo of a Rosary. It was given to Isabel(Anna) by her grandmother who was from Spain. She now wants Jo to have it to carry with her on her journey. Such love and friendship is wonderful,and we dearly love Anna for this gift.

We (the children and I) went to the funeral home last night and did some fine tuning her final arrangements and wishes...

We love you all,

Jim & Jolynn

ah, yes, the Rosary gift to Ms. Jo.

I wanted to give something to Ms. Jo that she could hold on to, and find comfort in. For me, my Rosary has always been that one thing that brings me peace. I hold it in my palm and run my fingers over the beads, slowly, eyes closed, in prayer. Sometimes, i just hold it in my hands, feeling the prayer beads....it brings me comfort when other things don't.

This particular Rosary was a gift from my Grandma in Spain. There were three of these Rosaries that she sent to us via my aunt: one for my Mom, one for my sister, and one for me. My sister wasn't so much into Rosaries, neither was my Mother, but i loved these particular Rosary, so i kept all three with me to make sure they wouldn't be lost. The beads from these particular rosaries are made from crushed rose petals and have the most amazing smell of roses. It is said that when you smell the beautiful smell of roses, the Virgin Mary and Christ are looking over you, praying over you.

When my Mom passed away, i placed mine in her hands to be buried with. I kept hers and i still had my sister's. When i was at a loss at what to give Ms. Jo for comfort, it dawned on me that this Rosary would be perfect. Sweet Ms. Jo would get my Mom's rosary.

I was a bit nervous about giving Ms. Jo my gift...she's not Catholic but i hoped that she would understand the significance of the gift i intended the Rosary to be for her. She understood. She understood completely. And of course, she and i cried together.

So, now, Ms. Jo has my Mom's Rosary to bring her comfort....which is a perfect place for that Rosary to be.

My Mom would think that is the perfect place, too...

Guess what this is?

oh yes, folks, it's my newest toy!

The Three Best Things...

THE THREE BEST THINGS

WORK
Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at the desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
"This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way."
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the labouring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.

LOVE
Let me but love my love without disguise,
Nor wear a mask of fashion old or new,
Nor wait to speak till I can hear a clue,
Nor play a part to shine in others' eyes,
Nor bow my knees to what my heart denies;
But what I am, to that let me be true,
And let me worship where my love is due,
And so through love and worship let me rise.
For love is but the heart's immortal thirst
To be completely known and all forgiven,
Even as sinful souls that enter Heaven:
So take me, dear, and understand my worst,
And freely pardon it, because confessed,
And let me find in loving thee, my best.

LIFE
Let me but live my life from year to year,
With forward face and unreluctant soul;
Not hurrying to, nor turning from, the goal;
Not mourning for the things that disappear
In the dim past, nor holding back in fear
From what the future veils; but with a whole
And happy heart, that pays its toll
To Youth and Age, and travels on with cheer.
So let the way wind up the hill or down,
O'er rough or smooth, the journey will be joy:
Still seeking what I sought when but a boy,
New friendship, high adventure, and a crown,
My heart will keep the courage of the quest,
And hope the road's last turn will be the best.

~Henry Van Dyke

A note from Mr. Jim...

...was sitting in my email box mid-morning today. I knew that this email was coming, but i wasn't sure when. As i looked at the title of the update email, which simply was titled "Jolynn", i couldn't decide if i wanted to open it or not, read this email now, or read it much, much later. Mr. Jim sends updates weekly on Ms. Jo to friends and family to let everyone know how she's doing.

She's not doing well.

I don't think that any of us are surprised that she's almost at the end of her journey. I do think that what has surprised everyone is how Ms. Jo seems to be taking care of everyone around here, even as sick as she has gotten. She has shown amazing grace, almost as if she is giving us lessons in not only how to live to the end, but how to die with grace at the end, too. One last gift from her to all of us around her.

Below is Mr. Jim's email. It's hard to read it without tears coming. Yesterday, Ms. Jo asked Mr. Jim to make her final arrangements, telling him what her final wishes were to be. She is tired, i think, and ready to make sure that everything is ready to how she wants it....

Hello All,

Jolynn finally made her decision to go ahead with having the hospital bed and the Foley catheter put in today. She has almost no strength at this point and last night it took Mike and I both to help her up. She is starting to have pain from being helped up and back to her chair or bed, and we would never do anything on purpose to make her pain worse. She has been strong beyond our wildest dreams, but the "Tuff Guy Act" is fast coming to a close. She is still fighting, but she knows she will not win this battle, even with her valiant effort over these past 13 months and for sure these past 6 weeks. We can only admire her willingness to do whatever needed to have just one more day, then another, and so on. She is not giving up, but is slowing down, resting and getting ready for the next hurdle in her journey to peace and restfulness.

We are doing our best to tolerate all the things that are happening to our beloved, Wife, Mother, Nana, and friend. We don't question God's decision to choose one person over another to stand at his side, but we wish it would much later for our Jolynn. There are so many things in our children and grand children's lives that she won't get to be a physical part of. Her presence will be forever in our hearts and hopefully we will try and remember as much of the good things that have been in our lives.

Please continue to pray for Jo. Her mental and spiritual peace is needed now more than ever. God bless all.

Jim (for our family)

As for me, my heart is once again, sad to the point that it aches. I'm sad for us that Jolynn won't be a part of our physical lives anymore. Mr. Jim will loose his much beloved wife. Missy will loose her Mama. Michael will loose his Mama. The grandchildren will loose an amazing Nana.

And i, and many of Jolynn's friends, will loose an amazing friend.

I'll be able to spend time with the Farley bunch this weekend....and i'm so looking forward to seeing them and hanging out with Mr. and Ms. Jo. For single moment counts, you know....every single moment.