The Beach Ramblings

I love the beach. I always have. When i was a child, my family would go to the beach for a month, every summer. I fell in love with the beach then, i think. The salty sea water, the smell of the beach, and the waves that rolled in, one after another. Oddly, i don't remember wanting to live near the beach...i just wanted to be able to spend as much time there as i could. As i get older, though, i wonder if perhaps it wouldn't be wise to reconsider! I can see Robert and i settling down in a beach community; but if that happens, i'm pretty sure that it would be a location outside of the USA. Yep, we are dreamers and have talked about this a lot over the past few years. With Emma just starting school, though, i'm sure that those dreams will have to wait a bit.

This is a well-needed family vacation. We all have been under stress from work, from working with Emma and just trying to keep up with life around us. Robert's brother has been sick and that has been a load on Robert's shoulders. Emma, well, we have some issues there. It's nothing that we can't work on (and we have been working hard on her issues!), but her issues came as a bit of a surprise to me. Looking back, it all makes sense now that these issues have been there all along....hindsight doesn't count, though. All of the quirks that i thought were just Emma, well, they hinted at a bit bigger problem. That's why i'm afraid that blogging has taken a back seat to daily life...

It's always been a nagging thought in the back of my mind on how much to share about our family and our lives. How much is too much? How much is too little? This blog started as a way for me to document Emma and her growing up, but as she grows, well, i have had second thoughts about sharing that. It's Emma's life and she isn't getting a say in what i share or don't share. I've thought about going to private with this blog often, but i keep in touch with many friends who sometimes check in via the blog to see how we are doing. I've posted many times and have just saved the posts when i thought that the post was a bit too much to share. I'm thankful that i don't have an issue with photos being lifted; a friend of mine shared with me how to make sure that wouldn't happen. I guess i need a sit down chat with Robert to figure out where to go with my blog. Perhaps i should go into another direction and not be a family/adoption/life/personal kinda blog...

Lots to think about...but at least i am at the beach where thinking is a good thing to do when you're sitting in the sand, listening to the waves crash against the shore. I have my camera and have done a bit of taking photos. There is a church that is abandoned near here that i'm going to check out one morning to photograph and of course, trying to get photos of Emma is challenging as the only thing she is interested in now is swimming and playing with the other little girls near us. It's been so much fun seeing her make friends and play...

Off to crawl into bed....tomorrow is another day at the beach!

Honey + Fitz: Get the Look: Crib Mattress Reading Nook

I can't tell you how much i love this idea! This woman is brillant! The photo above is her photo...amazing. And the fact that i have a crib mattress sitting in our spare room, just waiting for an idea like this is just icing on the cake!


Honey + Fitz: Get the Look: Crib Mattress Reading Nook: Don't you love the idea of a cozy reading nook where you can curl up with a good book?  A few IKEA pieces, an old crib mattress and some th...

Pickles....

....isn't so little anymore.

Pickles is a Shiffon (a cross between something and something else...i can never remember what she is a cross of!) and was suppose to be between 7-9 pounds.

Our "little" Pickles is now 10.2 pounds of furry love.

She's now 5 months old.

I guess Pickles is a big bigger than the 'average' Shiffon.

She doesn't eat much....only a 1/4 cup twice a day of puppy food. No table scraps...of course, Emma thinks it's only fair that she 'share' her crackers with Pickles.

sigh.

But i love this ball of black fluff.

And so does Emma.

Happy Easter 2012!

A perfect, perfect day.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

Emma was so very excited when she came tearing into our bedroom, waking us up to tell us that "DA EASTUR BUNNY CAME!! CAN YOU BEWLIEVE IT, MAMA??" Seriously, it took everything i had not to laugh. Then, Emma looks out the window and notices the eggs outside in the back yard.

"MAMA!! DADA!! DA EASUR BUNNY WLEFT EGGGGSSS!!"

She was so excited. These must be the moments i'm suppose to remember when i'm barely hanging on, eh?

Robert helped her look for the eggs as i did the Mamaratizzi thing. It was so much fun to see how excited she was!

Yes, it was a very good day.

An Easter Flower.....

 

.....wow.

My little flower is growing up.

Enjoy the weekend, my friends....it looks like it's going to be a beautiful one!

Unplug, relax and love on your family and friends!

Easter Bunny Cake 2010

 

 

 

I made this Bunny Cake for Easter in 2010 for Emma. Really, it was the cutest cake ever but i'm thinking of maybe doing a different cake for this year.

Maybe a Dino Easter Cake?

I know, i know, a Dino Cake isn't very "Easter-like", but maybe we need a different kinda Easter tradition. You know, one that is just "ours". I think that i can safely say that no one that i know of bakes a Dino Cake for Easter.

Of course, i expect to meet some resistance to my fantastic idea in my husband. And maybe Emma will really want a Bunny Cake....

...but then, maybe not, and she'll think my idea is AWESOME.

We've had wonderful weather; i only hope that it holds out for the entire weekend. I'm going to hide eggs for Emma out in the back yard and this year, i've managed to find Dino Easter Eggs!

I know, i'm cool, aren't i?

hehee.....i can't stand how excited i am about hiding the Dino Easter Eggs!

Off to start planning.....today is Good Friday. It's amazing to realize just what Easter means, don't you think? It's not about Easter eggs, candy, chocolate or baskets. It's about being in awe of how Jesus gave his life for us, to save us from our sins. It would do all of us good to remember this....and not just on Easter.

Have a Blessed Easter, everyone....

Bad Blogger, BAD BLOGGER!

I have been the worst at keeping up lately with my blog. It's not for lack of things to blog about, it's been more about what to share and what not to share. When i started out blogging, i did it because blogging was faster for me than writing. I really didn't worry about what i wrote or what i shared as i wasn't worried about who was reading. Not only that, but most of the stuff i wrote about in the beginning was about me and what i thought. Writing about Emma is a joyous thing for me to do as i want to keep a record for her for later.

I wanted this blog to be a happy place.

And while life for us is mostly in a happy place, well, there are challenges that have come up. How much do i share? What do i share? How much do i share concerning Emma? Doesn't she deserve privacy? Shouldn't she expect it? But then i go back to keeping a 'record' of our lives and of her and i am stumped.

To share or not to share?

I go back and forth with this.

I still haven't decided entirely. I hate to admit this, but i'll probably ask my husband's advice on this one. For now, i've taken to writing in a notebook, but it's not the same for me. Blogging for me is a faster way to get my thoughts out, my ideas down so i can look at them and think about them. Writing in a notebook is cumbersome, to say the least. There isn't even a spell check and dang, i so need a spell check!

Every thing is okay, so not to worry. We just have some big challenges that we are working on with Emma; challenges that we didn't expect.

Ha.

That's funny.

Like anyone who has children expects challenges!

Geeze.

If you're into saying prayers (i hope you are....) please say one for all three of us. It would mean so much to me.

Why, Mommy?

Questions. A little child is full of them. One right after the other, sometimes, all day long. Some questions are easy. Some questions are a little tougher. Some questions, i have no idea what the answers are. For the most part, though, i had this question stuff under control. Yeah, yeah, yeah....sometimes i do make up answers to questions because i have no idea why "did Gwod make moles wiff no eyes, Mama?" or why "don't i haffa twail, Mama?". I always seem to have an answer that fits these kinda moments so i have been mostly proud of myself.

Moles don't have eyes because God was all out of eyes the afternoon that He made the moles so he gave Moles super-duper sensitive noses and ears; i'll do the evolution version later. Little girls don't have tails because God thought that puppies and kitties looked much cuter with tails.

Yeah. I know, i'm really good at answering questions, aren't i? I stun myself sometimes with the amazing answers i come up with! I just get more and MORE awesome with each answer, eh?!?!

Some of the questions that i've never worried about have been questions about Emma's adoption and her first family in Guatemala. Ever since coming home at 4 1/2 months, i've told her the story about how we came to be a family. I have mentioned her older brother and told her about the beauty of Guatemala. I've spoken about her first mother and her foster mother...as the years have gone by and Emma has grown up into a little girl, she really has not seemed very interested in hearing about this, instead preferring to hear about dinosaurs, elephants, lions and bugs. I often wondered if she just wasn't interested yet or if she was even really listening to me. Perhaps i started telling her of "her" story too early, i remember thinking to myself. But i wanted her to know of "her" story; it was important to me.

I remember hearing this somewhere: If you don't know where you came from, how can you ever really know who you are? I wanted this little one to know about her first mother, i wanted to tell her what i knew. Some facts will come later, as she's older, but i want her to know. Knowledge is power, and it's so important to know where you came from so you know not only who you are, but where you want to go.

Don't get me wrong, the first few times of telling her the "story of her", i was nervous. What made it easy, though, was Emma was a baby, a just a mere 4/5 months old when i started talking to her about this. I wanted to tell her about her so that when she did ask questions, i would be ready with the answers to those questions. No made up answers or funny answers had any place with this: the answers needed to be truth only.

I was ready. I had practiced all of the answers to the questions that i thought she would ask. I had this covered.

Yep, you see where this is going, right?

Last Saturday as Emma and i were eating breakfast together, it happened. She was busy eating Fruit Loops and i was munching on strawberries when she looked up at me and said:

"How come my bwrother lwives in Guatemala, Mommy?"

What?

I didn't practice for THAT question!

How could i forget THAT particular question?!?! Of course Emma would want to know the answer to that question! How did i miss practicing the answer to that question?

I swallowed my strawberry and looked at my little daughter in her footy-elephant pjs, hair still tosseled from last night's sleep. She's growing up into a beautiful little girl, full of spunk and laughter....how quickly little ones grow up.

I smiled at her and said "Emme, your older brother lives in Guatemala with your first mother, your birth mother. He is a little older than you, almost 4 years older. His home is in Guatemala because he lives with your birth mother."

Emma smiles at me and says "Otay, Mama. Can i eat your strawbarries?"

I made it a point to sit there with Emma at the breakfast table for a long while after that, to see if she would ask anything eles. Finally, i asked her, "Emma, is there anything else you want to to or ask me?"

Emma, in all seriousness, looks at me and asks, "I wouud wlike to know if dere is more strawbaries, Mama!"

I had to smile. She is a Stawberry Monster some days, eating every single strawberry we have. No more questions, though....until much later that night at bedtime.

"I wuff you, Mama. You're my Mama, aren't you, Mama?" she asks as she lets out a big yawn after we finished her prayers. Emma is barely awake as she asks me this...

What an odd question, i thought for a moment....then i realized where/why this question came from.

"Yes, sweet girl, I'm your Mama...." i said as i gently move her hair from her face with my fingertips. "But you have a first mother, your birth mother in Guatemala, too...."

"Otay, Mama....otay. Night. Dwon't let da bed bugs....." Emme doesn't finish her sentence as she slips off to sleep.

I stay there, on Emma's bed, watching her little chest rise and fall as she sleeps. Pachi is in her arms and her night time music cd plays in the background softly as i watch her. I pray over her, asking God to come into her little heart, to watch over her and guide her as she grows up and to help me be the best Mama i can be to her. I know that the door has now been cracked and there will be more questions, more serious questions about her, her birth mother, and her adoption for her to ask.

I pray that she always asks me or Robert what it is she wants to know....and i hope that she knows that nothing is off limits to ask. I need to be sure that she knows that and i need to be sure to give her space if she needs it. Emma sometimes needs space, and i need to remember that and be respectful of it.

Growing up and questions....those two things come together, don't they?

Funk-a-Dunk

I am one who is prone to getting into a funk. I don't even know if it should be called "funk" as the words "great depression" describe my mood so much better. It truly confuses me why i get this way. Yes, we have some issues here on the home-front, but they are none that can't be dealt with or that are life threatening. When i compare my issues with other issues that friends have or are dealing with, my issues start to look like little molehills instead of issues.

With this 'funk', comes the need (okay, the WANT) to just stay hidden and alone. If i could arrange it, an entire week under the bed covers would be divine. Of course, i can't arrange that, so i shuffle through the day, counting on my Diet Coke to kick me in gear. Isolating yourself isn't the smartest thing, you know, when you feel this way. Being alone just adds more fuel to the fire, it seems. Besides, to be honest, having others around would probably help...of course, it could make one nut up, also, lol.

Then comes guilt and shame. Guilt for being selfish for not living each moment to the fullest. Many folks would love to have the chance to live each day to the fullest. Lord knows my Mama would. Shame for being in this funk....i have so much to feel grateful for that i am ashamed for being in this kind of mood.

Perhaps it's the weather; winter isn't my favorite time of year. Maybe it's that i am missing my Mama even more than usual. Maybe it's due to the Power of Change course that i am taking.....truly, this course it the hardest course i have E.V.E.R. enrolled in. Maybe it is the combination of all three of these things. Whatever the reason, i am tired of feeling my heart ache.

So, at the suggestion of my husband, i am going to start a Grateful Journal again. I will write down 5 things every morning that i am grateful for. While i think that this sounds simplistic and won't work to pull me out of this, at this point, i am willing to try anything.

I'm also going to start walking with Pickles after i drop Emma off at school. She needs some good puppy exercise, and a walk sure couldn't hurt me. Perhaps being in the sun with fresh air will be something that helps....just as the Grateful Journal, it sure couldn't hurt.

Off to work on my new Grateful Journal....

School, Fun and Issues.....

I love this photo of these rocks. They are pretty rocks, with hearts on them. They have nothing what-so-ever to do with this post, but i love this pic anyway.

Growing up, i wasn't a fan of school. I was afraid of my own shadow, so that explains a lot of it. I wanted to be near my Mama. She and i had lived in Spain with my Abeula while my Dad was stationed in places we couldn't go, so it was pretty much the two of us, all of the time. Since she couldn't come to school with me, well, let us just say that i was not a very easy student to deal with. I wasn't a mean kid, just very quiet and kept to myself.

That's why i was happy when i saw that little Emma was comfortable around others. In fact, she loves being around others! This was a good thing, because if you're not scared of your shadow or your own voice, school can be a fun place of friends and of learning.

Or so i thought.

We have some issues.

Oh do we have some issues....

...but the good part of these issues seem to be that Emma's teachers are talking fondly of her, telling us that she is a sweet, smart, funny little girl who they hope they won't have to strangle before the year is out is trying her best to do better. Emma apologizes when she knows she's done wrong, which is a good thing. But i apologized, too, when i did something wrong. But in saying that, when i was in school, i don't remember:

~dinging little boys on the head with my book bag because they tried to hold my hand.

~throwing things in class, mostly because i didn't want any attention drawn to me

~hitting a teacher's glasses off her head and throwing them into the toilet

~doinking another child over the head with a dinosaur because she felt they weren't helping clean up

~laughing like a hyena at times when quiet/listening is called for

~burping and farting with another little boy to see who can burp/fart louder

You would think that i was raising Emma in a barn with the barn animals, yes?

Emma has issues listening and following directions. Keeping her hands to herself also seems to be an issue. It breaks my heart, though, when she tells me that she hates herself because she's 'bad' or that she doesn't like herself. I also hated hearing that she wanted to be called another child's name because she thought that this little girl was "good". This has lead to many conversations between she and i about the fact that "she" is not bad, her actions are, hating ourselves is never the answer and God made us as we are and He only made ONE of each of us. Thankfully, the past few weeks, we've had a bit of a break thru and she's had 3 smiley face days with notes of how well she's doing. I love seeing her so excited about "counting to ten" before she does something she is thinking about doing and getting a star stamp on her hand for a 'good job'.

I want Emma to love school and learning. I want to help her understand how amazing it is to learn something, to read good books and to do your best. I've started studying at the table for a class i am taking where she can see me and she'll come 'study', too. But most of all, i want to nip in the bud the talk/thought that she is 'bad', she 'hates' herself or wants to be someone else. That kind of stuff is truly destructive to one's soul and she's much too young for that...

I have some research to do, i think. If you are inclined to, please keep Emma in your prayers to become a strong, healthy little girl who loves herself just as God made her to be...