Again?

Lately, i've been in the mist of thinking of a lot of things. I think that it's due to the fact it's January and i've always felt that January is a great time for self reflection and the deep thinking stuff. Leave it to me to kick off the year with this deep thinking stuff. This January, for many reasons, i seem to be consumed with thoughts of mainly one subject:

Cancer.

It has consumed me lately, thoughts of this disease. I hate that it's such a big part of my life, my thoughts and to the life and thoughts of those around me. I hate that i know more about cancer than i ever wanted to know. I hate that i know about the Sara Cannon Center, about MD Anderson, about Vanderbilt's program and about experimental "options". I hate how it not only touches the lives that it invades, but how it changes lives forever. I hate how we all have the 'cancer cells' but that they 'turn' on for people sometimes without reason or rhyme. I hate how cancer can go away, be "cured", and then, years later (or sooner) come back into someones life. I hate that i actually have suggestions for caretakers of cancer patients on ways to help them eat, or how to maybe feel better and how to watch for certain things. I hate that i read about cancer and how i hate that i look to see if there is anything new that could help a cancer patient.

Because that "cancer patient" is some one's wife, some one's daughter, some one's mother, some one's sister, some one's aunt or uncle, some one's father, some one's husband or some one's child....it seems that cancer isn't picky about who it picks.

Oh, and of course, i hate how no one has figured out a way to rid us of this disease.

I sometimes want to scream till my throat hurts: "How is it that we can put a man on the moon, travel in space, make a car that runs on electricity and yet, cancer is still in our world?" or how about this one: "Really?!? We can have a trillion dollar deficit, but we can't have a cure for all cancers?!?!" I know, i know, i know....cancer is a difficult enough of a disease to figure out much less treat.

But i wish....

Well, you know what i wish...

My Mama.

My sweet Grandma.

My Tio, Jose Luis.

Little Kate.

Amy's Dad.

Janice's cousin.

Gail.

Mrs. Jo.

I wish that i had a magic wand sometimes to cure cancer. Or at the very least, a big stick to beat it away.

Cancer has shown me just how immature, how horribly immature, my faith can be. It's truly embarrassing, you know. I find myself wanting to "make deals" with God when faced with a loved one's cancer or a friend's cancer. Almost like i'm on that game show, Let's Make a Deal? Or the "Please-Take-This-Person-Not-That-Person" game?

"God, please, please, please cure my friend's father. Isn't there someone else who deserves to die more than my friend's father? If you need some names...."

Yes.

sigh...

Yes, i have prayed that. More than once, i'm afraid.

And i know that it's wrong to pray that. And i know that it's horribly immature to pray that. I truly hope that God sees past my childish prayers and outbursts and understands. But, sometimes, anger finds a way to creep in when i'm thinking about what cancer is doing to someone i love, or to a friend's family member. Anger creeps in when i realize that there isn't anything i can do to help, other than give hugs, send notes and just be there.

Praying, leaving and trusting in God is the best thing to do during these times; i know this. In fact, i have come to understand that it may be the only thing to do.

For He does have a plan.

He does.

Even if i struggle to understand it.