Thursday, May 1, 2008

Where did THAT Cherrio come from???



As a first time Mommy, you learn lots of new and interesting things. Like what you think is sand in your sweet daughter's poop is NOT sand (thank you, Dr. Rothman for not laughing at me hysterically when i called about this, btw) but just undigested Cheerios. Really, who knew? Emma has never been even near sand yet so i couldn't figure out, oh, never mind. Undigested Cheerios look like sand? Really? It's not in any of the child care books i've read. As a first time older Mommy, it's almost a job requirement to read every possible book you can get your hands on about how to raise a child and there was never any mention of how Cheerios can look like sand in a baby's poop. ick....let's just say, i have a lot to learn about my new Mommy gig.


But i love being a Mommy. You hear about a "Mother's Love" but until you feel it, until you wrap your arms around it, you truly don't understand. I am now one of "them"....you know, the women who can hear their child whimper from 5 miles away, the women who can make boo-boos better with a kiss and a hug, the women who get thrown up on by their little ones and don't care, the women who sleep with one ear 'on' all night in case they are needed to chase away bad dreams, the women who love like they never thought possible. I will also be among the ranks in years to come to wear a Mother's Day macaroni necklace, which i am truly excited about. And all because of a little child who calls you "Mama". It is indeed, the sweetest word to hear.



As an older first time Mommy, i sometimes feel like i'm trying to swim on dry land. Being a Mommy doesn't SEEM like hard work, but it is. It is 24/7 around here, with no time off, no bonus (unless you count hugs and kisses), and no hope of shaving both of my legs at the same time for a very long time. As a former career girl, i was the 'go-to' girl; you know, the one who get things done and knows her job backwards and forwards. Fast forward to now where i'm like a clueless Mommy, learning as i go, making all kinds of goofy mistakes as i go along. Some mistakes are funny and thankfully, none of the mistakes have been life threatening. Lucky for me, i have a little girl who is very forgiving (even when i diaper her backwards) and doesn't quite yet realize that i'm learning this Mommy job as i go.


And oh, i hear the sweetest word now....it's actually the screaming of the sweetest word, but oh, what a sweet sound. I'm a Mama! :)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Friday thoughts.....

Friday thoughts and ramblings from my blog....

So happy that it's Friday! It's not that we have a lot planned, it's just a different pace and i relax a little. I think that i take my "job" as a Mommy a bit too serious some days (okay, most days!)....Robert is the "fun" one, i'm afraid. He's the "let's-go-down-the-slide" Daddy and i'm the "that's not a little girl slide" kinda Mommy. No one ever mentioned to me before becoming a Mommy that there were so many "dangers" that i needed to "protect" my daughter from. Can you tell which one of us in our little family has some serious relaxing to do? Yup, that would be me. So, i'm trying to relax a bit more in my "Mommyness".

I try not to be high strung, really, i do. I try not to look out for danger and let Emma learn things on her own, like falling down is okay, you just get back up. I try to treat that as an "oh-oh, you fell down, you're okay" moment instead of swooping down and holding her. I don't want to be "stalker-Mommy", ready to swoop down in a moments notice to keep the world safe. (and, yes, i use to make fun of Mommies who act like i do now, wondering why in the world they wouldn't just relax?? What WAS wrong with THEM?? Yesh, it's so easy to be a Mommy when you aren't one!) If i do this, if i act like this, i worry that Emma will never learn to be a self assured little girl. It does seem to me that whether i want to admit it or not, this little girl is growing up right before my eyes and is beginning to form her own little personality. She's fearless. No steps are too much, no noise seems to startle her, she loves water and being splashed, she loves bouncing on her bouncy chair and the higher the better, being on Daddy's shoulders brings on little girls squeals and giggles as he bounces (sigh, YES, he bounces....he looks like freakin' Tigger). Meanwhile, Mommy is in the corner, hyperventilating because she thinks that the little one is in 'danger' of falling.

As a child, i remember being scared of everything. The dark, loud noise, loud voices, thunder...this list could go on and on. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason, i didn't. I always wanted to be held and cuddled. I wanted to be near my Mom....i wasn't a happy camper when she would leave the room. Maybe some children are like this, you know, it's just who they are. Maybe it's part of their personality. Maybe that's the way that God made them. So i figured that maybe, all children would be like this to a certain extent.....

Nope. Not happenin' here. Emma is independent. She's not a cuddler unless i have a bottle in my hand. She'll let you pick her up and cuddle her for a few seconds, but then she's off looking for the next adventure. She's not needy. Heck, she's an easy child when i compare her to other folks children. I guess being a Mommy is about figuring out the kind of child you have and doing the best you can to meet their needs. And it's not about smothering and chasing away all dangers. Oh, some dangers are unacceptable, but the ones like running too fast and falling? Really, i need to get a grip. I can't let my personality effect the natural Emma personality that is now starting to form. I don't want her to be scared of her shadow, i don't want her to be fearful of life, i don't want her to be scared of falling down, i don't want her to be scared of the dark.

My hope for Emma is as it is for me: to be fearless and to love herself. To take chances and to love life as she is. To not be afraid of life because after all, you do get what you put out there in life.

It truly all starts with me, doesn't it?

Are those teeth?!?!

Got front teeth!!


This weekend was a big weekend for you, Emma. Your front teeth started coming in! And like most little ones who teeth are coming in, you weren't a happy camper. It started late on Saturday when we were all shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and you and i were giggling. Okay, i was making you laugh by hopping like a lunatic Mommy, but hey, it was fun! And then i noticed something.....

You had the starts of your front teeth!! Your Dad had already noticed but wanted me to find out on my own....how excited we both were!!! Of course, silly parents that we are, we had no idea what the night would hold for us. :( You had a horrible fever when we got home....so horrible that i was scared. In fact, i was terrified. You threw up your night time bottle and it went worse from there. You screamed....and screamed, and screamed some more. I sang to you, rocked you, held you...and yet you still screamed. A few tears, but mostly screams. I cried with you in our bedroom.....

Finally, you fell asleep around midnight. Your Dad and i went to bed, too, knowing that you would be awake soon. At 2:45am, you woke up again and we took your temperature. It was 102 degrees. I could feel my heart fall...you were so hot and so upset. After a diaper change, we gave you a bottle and held you. You were wide awake....at around 4am, we finally gave in and put you in your bouncy chair. You were happy there and bounced and bounced!!! You finally boucned yourself to sleep and i put you in your room.

The next morning you were a little better, so we all just stayed in our pjs and played. You ate better and your Dad went to the store and he got you Baby Motrin which really did the trick. By very late that evening, you were good. So good in fact, that you ate toast with your Dad, and you bit off some toast!! I was excited to see that you were now able to 'bite'....let's just hope that you don't bite anyone! :)

You and i are also taking walks every morning in the park.....you seem to like the stroller and of course, we stop by the swings so we can swing. The higher you go, the happier you are! Your Dad always wants to know if i put you on the slide, too....of course, lol, the answer is "no". I'm not ready to see you that grown up.

Know that we love you, dear Emma.....

Mommy

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Frustrated Beyond Belief


My husband has been planning a trip to play in a poker tournament for a while. I was fine with it; he took Thursday off to stay home with Emma and i and to run my Honda into the shop for maintenance. Robert is a very good poker player but rarely plays in tournament because of work and well, he doesn't want to leave Emma. He asked me for us to go as a family, but going to a poker tournament with a now walking one year old just didn't seem wise. He left very late Thursday night after we had put Emma to bed. It has done nothing but rain (and rain very hard since then, so Emma and i have stayed in.) While i'm thrilled that it was raining as our area had water shortages last summer, i was ready for it to stop! ;)

It's now Saturday morning...i have my second WW meeting to attend in 15 minutes and i have a meeting with an adoption group whose board i recently joined early this afternoon. I also wanted to go to the mall to walk, go to Target for some photo frames and maybe have lunch at Subway with little Emma. It was going to be a Mommy and Emma day! I woke up early, did my treadmill, ate breakfast, got my little one up and dressed and fed-and out the door we went! Heck, we were even running a little early! How often does THAT happen?

Get to the garage...get Emma in her car seat and i hop in with my car keys. Only my key for the Honda is MISSING. IT'S NOT ON MY KEY CHAIN. I keep staring at it, wondering what the heck?? I continue to stare at it, waiting for my key to magically appear. It doesn't, of course. And then it slowly dawns on me: my husband has taken the car key off my key ring when he took my Honda in for it's maintenance. I call him...and he replies "Are you sure?" Am i sure???? Is he kidding??? And then this "You can always call Enterprise, sweetie, they will bring a car to you!". I sit there in disbelief and tell him, no, i'm not calling Enterprise or asking a neighbor to help me because it's pouring rain. I tell him i have to go because i know that i am angry. And don't know why. I don't want to say anything that i can't take back. It was an accident, he didn't mean to take my key off and not replace it. I know this. So why am i so angry??

I unbuckle Emma and we go back upstairs. I'm in tears. I said i wouldn't miss a meeting. I said that i would attend the board meeting. I HATE not doing the things i commit to. I HATE not doing the things that i say i'll do. I was looking forward to this WW meeting (i lost 5 POUNDS this week on dear Betsy the scale and wanted to stand in front of someone else to show off-how funny am i?), i was looking forward to working with the women on this adoption board. I am stuck here till Sunday when hubby gets home. I am stuck in the house. I feel like a caged woman (Mommy).

I cry hot tears...and i realize that it's more than that. Since being married i've tried to do all of the things i'm suppose to do. I do it out of love; after a horrible first marriage, i realize how important it is to do your part and to give all that you can possibly give. Since being a Mommy, i have done the same thing. I have taken care of both my husband and daughter-every day in every way that i possibly can and i've done a good job. And i feel truly blessed and have loved doing it. But every now and again, well, i miss my prior life. I miss working at my old job (i loved my job), i miss thinking only about me, i miss sleeping in, i miss going to a gym anytime i want, i miss spending 'my' money (how shallow is that? sigh....my husband is more than generous) and not "our" money, i miss my old house that i worked so hard on to fix, i miss my garden, i miss my work friends, i miss long, long showers where i can shave BOTH legs instead of just one leg, i miss manicures, i miss pedicures, i miss volunteering with Habitat, i miss getting in my car with only my purse and singing to rock music at the top of my lungs, and i miss eating cereal for dinner.

I know that i am beyond blessed....but i realize sitting here that it's okay to miss these things. I fought so hard to be independent after my first marriage, to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I did very well financially at work and i had made a nice home for myself by working very hard at fixing it up. I would NEVER trade what i have now for what i have then....

...but every now and again, i miss my old life.

And that, i realize now, is okay.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Price of Life-News Article

The Price of Life~News article
March 2007
The Price of Life
by Billy Briggs


Sergio Ortega asks me to look at two pictures of his daughter, Velvet. In the first, taken four years ago by her husband Kenneth, she kneels, holding her daughter Kimberly on the occasion of her only child's first birthday. A cake sits in the foreground, and from behind it, Velvet gazes happily at the camera. In the second, taken by a policeman, Velvet's eyes are screwed shut and her face is grotesquely swollen. Battered beyond all recognition, her head is double its size. This second photograph was taken after the 25-year-old was found dead after being bound, raped and beaten in the suburbs of Guatemala City in July, 2005.

Ortega is a tall, thin man with jet black hair, more Slavic in appearance than Guatemalan. His hands tremble as he replaces the pictures in a large brown file. “My beautiful daughter,” he says in Spanish.

Velvet's death came one year before Amnesty International issued a report that highlighted a staggering increase in the number of women murdered in Guatemala. According to the report, the figure has increased by more than 400 percent since 2002. In 2005, the fourth consecutive year the total had risen, 665 deaths were registered. The death toll for 2006, according to the Guatemalan Human Rights Commission, was 672. That equates to nearly two women every day.

Up to 70 percent of female homicides have never been investigated and no arrests have been made in 97 percent of cases, according to Guatemala’s Human Rights Ombudsman, Frank La Rue. The report called on the nation’s president, Oscar Berger, to take urgent steps to improve policing, to strengthen the witness protection program, and to provide funds for the country’s National Forensic Institute. Despite this, the killings continue in Guatemala; the phenomenon is called femicide.

THE IMPETUS FOR VIOLENCE
Guatemala borders El Salvador, Honduras, Belize and Mexico. It is a land of stunning beauty with more than 30 live volcanoes and jungles jeweled with ancient Mayan temples. It is also a nation recovering from a 36-year civil war, spurred by a CIA coup in 1954. The conflict ended ten years ago. Its legacy remains: the deaths of at least 200,000 Guatemalans left the country virtually lawless. Violence is endemic and public lynchings are common, a form of mob justice particularly prevalent among rural communities. A study by the UN found that between 1996 and 2002 there were around 400 lynchings resulting in more than 200 deaths.

Guatemala City, the capital and largest urban center in Central America, sprawls over a mountain valley in the southern part of the country and is home to nearly three million people, the vast majority of whom live well below the poverty line. To the south of the city sits the smoking volcano of Pacaya; at night its glowing lava flows are visible from the road that heads west to the old Spanish colonial city of Antigua.

Guatemala City is one of the most violent capitals in the world. Last July, Philip Alston, the United Nation's special reporter on extrajudicial, summary and arbitrary executions, said the current levels of violence in Guatemala are worse than during the civil war. Murder is as common as the street vendors selling tortillas. Soldiers patrol the streets and nearly every shop or business has a security guard outside who nervously totes a pump-action shotgun held high up across the chest. Shopkeepers serve from behind steel bars and the down-at-heel, low-rise streets are mostly deserted at night. It is a city living in fear.

Much of the current violence in Guatemala is targeted at women. The Centre for Legal Action on Human Rights (CALDH) has a folder six inches thick of newspaper cuttings detailing female murder stories from the previous three months. The tabloids such as Dia and Nuestro Diario are full of such reports daily. There were 19 killings the day I arrived—six of the victims were women. I sift through the folder; a female murdered in a cafe in broad daylight 100 metres from a police station; a photo of a woman's body stuffed in a box; a machete used in an attack on a student; an AK47 fired in another; a woman killed in front of her daughter.

Gangs are to blame for most of the female killings—or so runs the line in Guatemala City officialdom. Since the end of the war and the virtual breakdown of law and order, gang culture has spread from the United States and taken hold in the slums of Guatemala City. The maras, as they’re called, terrorize communities through violence; they have been known to kill for just a few dollars. The two most notorious groups in the region are Mara 18 and Mara Salvatrucha.

THE LONG SHADOW OF CIVIL WAR
Sergio hands me four more pictures. They are mug shots of the young men he believes are responsible for Velvet's murder. Sardonic faces glower back defiantly at the camera. The men—El Negro, El Quique, El Mykol, and El Tiul—are maras members, all infamous in the San Juan Sacetapequez area close to Guatemala City.

In June 2005, the maras came to Velvet's video and internet arcade to demand 500 quetzals a month—about 25 dollars—in protection money. Velvet refused to pay them. "They threatened her and stole money, so she called the police. Two of the maras were caught and ended up in jail. But then one of their mothers came to the shop to threaten Velvet and to ask her to withdraw the charges. She did so on the condition the money was returned... and it was. We hoped that would be the end of it," Sergio says.

But the gangs take grave offence at any sign of disrespect. They returned to the arcade a month later on July 13th, when Velvet was alone. Velvet's murder, Sergio says, was a warning to others not to defy them.

It is rumored that killing a woman is also part of some gangs’ initiation processes. Juan Rivera, covered with 150 tattoos, was, until two weeks before, a member of the Mara Salvatrucha in zone six of Guatemala City. Now, the 21-year-old stays at a rehab center for young men who want to escape the violence of the streets. Rivera admits that one has to kill to get into a gang but says the victim doesn't have to be female. “As long as you kill on the other gang's territory... [and] the more people you kill the faster you get in the gang,” he says. He also insists that gangs do not carry out mutilations of female bodies and instead accuses the police of these types of murders. “The maras only ‘smoke’ [shoot] people,” he adds.

General Montt, whom Spain is trying to extradite for crimes against humanity, ran for president in 2003 and will run again for Congress in September. The message seems clear: life is cheap and acts of brutality will go unpunished.
Claudio Samayoa, a 39-year-old human rights activist who has been carrying out research on femicide, agrees. "Gang violence is generally gang against gang, using guns. But we've had weeks when it's just been pregnant women killed, or periods when females with the same characteristics have been targeted, or only evangelicals, or specific age groups,” she says. “In February, 2003, the bodies of 12 women aged between 16 and 21 were found cut up in garbage cans across the city."

She points out that the patterns of killing resemble those present during the civil war. During the conflict, women were targeted by the state in the fight against leftist guerrillas. “Women were raped and killed extremely violently to give out a graphic message to communities that they should not support the rebels,” Samayoa says.

She believes that forces linked to the military and the police are deliberately orchestrating the atrocities for their own gain. In targeting women, she says, they are promoting instability and fear in society and are engaging in a form of psychological warfare by casting up a perfidious past. “There were mutilated women's bodies put on the streets back in the 1980s during the war, and there are women's corpses littering the streets again now,” Samayoa says. “Now there seems to be a fad in the killings.”

In 1999, a UN-sponsored Truth Commission said that the nation's armed forces and police were responsible for 93 percent of the atrocities that took place during the war and that those responsible for the worst crimes should be brought to justice. According to Samayoa, however, army and police officers accused of abuses have retained their positions. The nation’s culture of impunity is personified by General Montt, whom Spain is trying to extradite for crimes against humanity. He ran for president in 2003 and announced recently he will run again for Congress in September. The message to society seems clear: life is cheap and acts of brutality against women will go unpunished.

NO ONE TO TURN TO
At the Congress Palace the President of the Human Rights Commission, Mirna Ponce, keeps a body count of women killed, and updates a chart outside her office nearly every day. Ponce, an opposition politician from the Guatemalan Republic Front, is scathing about the lack of impetus on the part of the police to investigate female murders. "They (the police) do not care about female victims. If a female body is found they immediately say she was a prostitute, or it was the result of gang killing. They simply do not investigate and are the worst institution in the country because of the corruption. There is no fingerprint or DNA database, no crime or victim profiling, and no real forensic science. In 2005, 26 female recruits were raped at the National Police Academy," she says.

Juana Maria Matamoros was murdered by a senior police officer, Santiago Luis Garcia, who lives four doors away. Juana’s sister, Yesinia, and her mother, Josefina, sob uncontrollably as they explain how he came into their home at 9:45am on July 10th, 2006, and fired 14 times at Juana. Five bullets entered her body. Yesinia, who witnessed the murder, says Garcia admitted to her that Juana’s was a revenge killing. Garcia’s wife had run off with Juana's brother.

The Matamoros family is supposed to be in witness protection but instead remain in the home where the killing took place—on the same street as Garcia's family who have been making threats. And the police will not guarantee round-the-clock security at the home—not that the Matamoros family trusts the police. “We do not know who could be standing guard outside our door. An officer could even be a friend of Garcia,” Yesinia says.

Although Garcia is in custody—the result of pressure from a group called Sobrevivientes [Survivors], which aids female victims of violence—the family fears he will escape justice because of his position. Yesinia says she is scared of being killed in another revenge attack. Juana's children, Howard, age six, Maryann, age seven, and Luisa, age 10, say nothing.

Asked for an interview, National Police Chief Erwin Sperizen agrees initially, but then cancels two days later. He declines requests for another date.

SOCIAL INEQUALITY STOKES THE FIRE
In Guatemala, it is common for men to believe that women are inferior and that domestic violence and rape are acceptable; it is accepted for a married man to have a mistress and, in some communities—according to the UN's Special Rapporteur on the
Sale of Children, Child Prostitution and Child Pornography—for fathers to take their daughters’ virginity. "Women have no real right to work, to education or to healthcare," says human rights activist, Giovana Lemus, from the fortress-like offices of the Network for Preventing Violence Against Women in Guatemala City. She adds that this is a country where a man can escape a rape charge if he marries his victim, provided she is over the age of 12, and that having sex with a minor is only an offence if the girl can prove she did not act provocatively. "And many of these crimes take place within the family," she says.

Though not atypical for Latin America—in many of its countries there is a long history of misogyny—in Guatemala this perception has exacerbated the problem of femicide, almost like a collective shrug toward violence against women.

The figures for rape, as with murder, are increasing and there were more than 4000 such crimes reported by girls under the age of 16 between 2000 and 2005 in Guatemala City alone, Lemus says. In the two main hospitals in Guatemala City there are no fixed procedures with which to investigate cases of rape, Lemus says, and women are generally turned away. Unless the issue of discrimination is addressed, and female life begins to be valued, the violence will continue unabated, she explains.

At Casa Alianza, a shelter for teenage girls, there are around 80 girls in care. Claudio Rivero, who has worked there for five years, notes that most have been sexually abused, some by their own fathers. Rivera says that some girls reject their babies simply because they are so young. In one shared bedroom with bunk beds for the young mothers and three white cots for children, Danielle Estevez picks up her baby and kisses him on the forehead. Her son, Carlos Daniel, is two months old. Danielle is only 12. She was raped by her stepfather. "It was not time for me, but I have to look after him because he is my son," she says in a daze, her mind flitting. She kisses Carlos again as he kicks his legs and squeezes her finger. Danielle, slim with long, brown hair, smiles at him. Anyone seeing them would think she was Carlos's elder sister.

EVERYONE IS TO BLAME
After Velvet's death, police caught one of the men who had been detained following the first incident. But they did not seal off the crime scene or make any forensics report and, despite a full confession providing detailed information only the killers could know about Velvet's death, the men thought to be responsible still walk the streets. “Mario, the guy caught, was not even informed of his rights, and, as a result, walked. I don't think that anyone will ever go to prison for my daughter’s murder," Sergio says.

"There have not been enough police investigations, not enough specialized training, and a lack of co-ordination between police and prosecutors has not helped,”says Gabriella Nunez, the official in charge of Seprem, a special commission to investigate female killings, set up by the Guatemalan government after pressure from the U.S. Senate in November 2005. “But we are addressing the issue with more resources and developing a strategy to deal with femicide."

In an interview at her office, Nunez says she doesn’t have the answer to stopping femicide yet, and admits to a number of failings on behalf of the state. Has anyone has been fired over the past five years? Nunez thinks, replies, "Probably not. Why has it taken so long to investigate the problem? "Because the system is weak," she says bluntly. Government recognizes the problem of femicide, she insists, but there is a major issue with violence generally in Guatemala that will take time to change.

Carlos Viellman, the former Guatemalan interior minister, promised that new laws on rape and domestic violence will be introduced. He added that all police departments will have special sections created to deal with female victims of violence and that the Spanish government has been helping to train Guatemalan investigators. But Viellman was unable to offer much by way of explanation of the problem other than to say "We have a culture of violence in Guatemala." And, of course, this is something the government is trying to address. His promises still resonating, Viellman resigned weeks after we spoke.

Many fighting for justice and for the rule of law in Guatemala see little to cling to, so they turn to their faith in a power higher than the state's. In Santo Domingo Church, Odilia Medrano Pineda lights two candles for her daughter Dora, murdered at home four years ago. Odilia, a frail women of 56 who looks considerably older, survived the same attack, but barely. Dora was only 18, when she was tied up, raped, beaten, and burned alive during a robbery in 2002. Odilia was also raped, then battered with a rock and left for dead in a river. At one point the killers discussed decapitating her. "One of them said, 'Today, we kill you and tomorrow the vultures eat you,'" Odilia tells us, weeping.

Odilia and her husband David are in church the day after a court convicted Rigoberto Lopez, Myrna Espinoza and Juan Santos for Dora's murder. They were sentenced to 60, 50 and 50 years in prison, respectively—a surprise verdict to many people in Guatemala but perhaps an indication that the courts are taking a tougher stance on femicide. They pressed on despite continuous death threats and a fear the three killers could escape jail because of a corrupt prison system. "We knew God was with [the judges]... God gave them strength for this great injustice," Odilia says.

But Sergio Ortega's faith has yielded nothing; still he perseveres. Las Flores Cemetery where Velvet is buried is vast and green; the high graveyard overlooks the city, a city so dangerous that armed guards patrol even here. “There are lots of robberies—even the dead cannot rest, it seems,” Sergio says from the cemetery. There are no headstones, just small bronze plaques set in the ground. Velvet’s memorial is etched with sheep led by a shepherd, and reads, “Velvet Madelline Noemi Ortego—Feb. 23, 1980 to Jul 13, 2005.” Sergio bends down on one knee and gently brushes the bronze with his hand. “I come here about once a month. But Velvet’s husband, Kenneth, finds it too difficult to come…Kimberly just keeps asking for her mom. What can we tell a child? When will we ever get justice and closure?” he says, echoing what the desperation of many Guatemalans.

Billy Briggs (www.billybriggs.co.uk) is a freelance journalist from Scotland who specialises in human rights issues. In 2005, he was the recipient of two awards from Amnesty
International for reportage about neo-Nazis in Russia. He has written recently for The Guardian, The Sunday Times, The Herald and Sunday Herald.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

If You're Happy And You Know It...


I had a very good week thus far....while there is distance to go in this journey to a healthy life, it is slowly coming together. I have re-vamped my food choices (i've cut out my morning peanut butter and toast and replaced it with Kashai and fruit or oatmeal; i've taken to eating spinach salads at lunch with lots of fresh veggies and fruit and i've lighten my dinner meals) and that has seemed to have helped. I've also taken to eating slowly and putting my fork down while eating. The soda is gone and i truly wished that i had given that up sooner. I gave it up the end of January; only having a diet soda occasionally. I drink water only now...it is as though my tasted buds are changing slowly. Things that were not salty before are too salty now, i can "taste" sugar. I also feel so much better...

Here is my latest favorite quote from Ramona, a spark buddy of mine who is an absolutely brilliant writer with a beautiful soul:

"How many times have you told yourself "I can't do that"? Most of us probably say it more often than we realize. Every time you are faced with a challenge, do you automatically think of all of the things holding you back or do you think about all of the things have to make it possible? A positive attitude about yourself can catapult you into higher achievement. So, the next time you hear yourself saying " I can't", remember, YOU CAN!"

Needless to say, the above quote is in my motivational notebook! :)

Emma and i have been doing a lot of singing...which is funny as i sing horribly. Really, really, really horribly! Like cat-in-heat sounding horribly! Funny, though, she doesn't seem to notice my off-key attempts and has learned to clap and bounce and giggle as i sing "If your happy and you know it" and the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider". Of course, she may be clapping and bouncing and laughing in an attempt to try to get me to stop singing, lol, but it has been amazing. She is now walking full time, rarely crawling anymore. My heart fills with joy every morning when i first go into her room and she says "Mama". My cup overflows and i am truly blessed to have this child in my life.

Robert and i were looking at the many photos i've taken since Emma has come into our lives and we are in awe at how quickly she is growing and learning things. Where has time gone and how can i slow it down? It is so important for me to document everything for her; but as i look back on her blog, it's like i've blinked and she's now a toddler. She can point to our noses, her nose and her belly! I remember my mother telling me that i didn't understand about being a mother....and she was right. There are no words to explain the utter joy, the hard work, the awesome feelings of being a mother. I never could have imagined that a woman could love a child so much. I am trying to wean her from her bottle....she's ready, i think, but oddly enough, i'm not. I love the bottle time with her. We cuddle on the big red recliner and she holds my hand and looks into my eyes. Sometimes we both end up taking a nap together on the recliner. I know all of the reasons why it's important to get rid of the bottle....so i'm having a conversation with my heart to catch it up with my brain. :(

Off to fix some dinner and to sing "If your happy and you know it".....

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Don't Blink....








I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said "All I can say is."

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said
"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

So I've been tryin' ta slow it down
I've been tryin' ta take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So Don't blink

Naw, don't blink, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think
Don't Blink...



The above song is something that i've taken to singing to you softly when it's just you and i at night. It is a song that Kenny Chessney sings and every time i hear this song, i reminded just how very fast that time passes. Every time i blink, dear Emma, it's like you've learned something new or said a new word. How fast you are growing up and learning things. I try so very hard to savor every moment with you for i know how fast this time will pass for us.

You can now say the word "turtle". You are also trying to say the word "abuela" and you and i carry on "conversations all day long. I ask you questions and you babble back and when you are finished babbling, i answer and so it goes. Your language skills are growing as you are. You have finally gotten over your fear of the steps; you haven't gone near them since your Aunt Claudine took her eye off of you for just a second and you fell down the three stairs going into the kitchen where your Daddy was. Two days ago, you tottled up those very three stairs, yesterday, you decided to surprise (okay, perhaps that word is "shock") your Mommy by climbing up the front stairs. I left you at the front door where you were waving to our neighbor and her children to get the brownies i was baking for a friend out of the oven. When i came back, you were already half way up the stairs! Needless to say, this weekend, your Daddy and i are putting up gates at all of the stairs so Mommy won't have a heart attack.

Last night, your Daddy came home and you and he played in the "play zone" together as the two of you do every night when he comes home. He was so very tired and fell asleep. I was trying to get some laundry done and i looked over to where the two of you were and YOU WERE STANDING ON TOP OF THE OTTOMAN!! I just stood there, rooted to the floor as i watched you balance on top of the ottoman, holding my breath. I then called out to your Dad who immediatley woke up....and about the very second, you took a step off the ottoman before either one of us could get to you. On to the floor you fell and you instantly were in tears. Of course, after hugs and kisses (and my going over you to make sure no bones were broken, please don't laugh at me as you read this) you were fine and full of giggles. How in the world you climbed up there is beyond me, but let's just say that you now don't go far without me following behind you!

I love you, dear Emma.....you are such a joyful child, smiling and laughing and playing with us. I thank God and your birth mother daily for you-you are such a gift to your Daddy and i.

Love you to the Moon and back....

Mommy

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Making Peace


I think that we all sometimes struggle in our relationships with our parents as we get older. We finally come to see them in "grown up" terms realizing that they, like anyone else, have faults. Parents are seldom perfect and i know this now, but i guess i hold parents to a higher standard and think that they should try to be as perfect as possible. (oddly, enough, i hold politicians to this same high standard....) Oh, of course, i thought all of these things BEFORE i became a parent. It's so easy to be a parent when you don't have children, isn't it?

I remember growing up, i would wait for my Dad to come home by the window, looking for his car. He would hug me, swing me around and laugh. I remember his smell and of course, at such a young age, you don't really know what those smells are....it's a Daddy smell. Being in the military, he was gone a lot....sometimes for well over a year at a time. Naturally, my sister and i had a stronger relationship with my Mother as it seemed to be just the three of us growing up. My Mom was a great cook and even a better baker. Many hours were spent in the kitchen with my sister, watching her cook, wishing that one day, i would be able to cook as she did. I always thought it odd when i got into my teenage years and saw how when my Dad did come home, my Mom, my competent strong Mom, would take a back seat to my Dad and let him handle things. And of course, it was during my teenage years that i figured out that "Daddy smell"....it was a sweet mixture of sweat and liquor. It goes without saying that during that time, i also noticed many military men drank...and drank a lot. My Dad was no exception. He wasn't a mean drunk....kind of a social happy drunk. (yeah, like that makes it better, eh?)

I never liked how he treated my Mom, though. I never felt that he was loving enough, took care of her enough, loved her like she loved him. Of course, who knows what goes on in someone else's marriage? When my Mom got sick, i was angry at him that he didn't do more, take her to the doctors that my sister and i wanted him to take her to, angry at him because he said that "she" didn't want to go to those doctors, that he wasn't more affectionate towards her. Crap, i was just angry....cancer is not a pretty disease. Many, many advances have been made in cancer, but none of these would help my Mom once my sister and i drug her the doctors that we felt could help her. It was just too late to help her.

It's well known that drinkers sometime have other vices....like gambling. Yep, my Dad signed up for that. And like most gamblers, he lost big. He lost very big. And i was the one who figured this out when i had moved down to Atlanta to take care of her during her last months. I was angry. How could ANYONE be so careless, so irresponsible? How could ANYONE loose this much money?? My Mom was so careful with money, always believing that you should save, save, save as you never know what may happen. They lived very comfortable lives because of how she saved and invested. To have this happen during the time my Mom was sick? If i needed anything to push me over the edge in my relationship with him, this did it. I haven't spoken to him since my Mom's funeral....after writing him a letter saying that if he didn't get help, didn't stop gambling, i wanted no part of his life and would not let him be a part of my life. And so it was....

...until yesterday. A package arrived at our door. My husband orders everything online: books, diapers, formula, videos, things for his company so i picked up the package not paying attention to it and tossed it on the table. Emma and i went about our day and this package sat on our dinning room table. Upon coming home, i tell my husband that there's a package on the table for him. He comes and finds me and Emma playing "Chase Mommy" in the hallway and hands me the package. It's from my Dad. I hold the package, hearing my heart beat in my ears. What is it? Why has he sent me something? Why can't he just go away? It's easier to not think about how much i miss my Mom when i don't have contact with him...

I take the package into our den and open it. It is addressed to all three of us, which is a surprise. I peer into the package that seems to be so carefully wrapped and it is a package of the very cookies that my Mom would make for me that i loved so much: Pecan Puffs or some folks call them wedding cookies. There is also a small bag of Pecan Puffs sans pecans for little Emma. I can suddenly feel my Mom around me as i taste one of the cookies, i can feel her around me telling me that he's trying to make peace with me. And of course, i cry. Not pretty tears, or sniffing tears, but big sloppy i-miss--my-Mom tears....

I call my sister after i manage to get a hold of myself. No cookies for her.
In fact, she's hasn't spoken to him in weeks...and then it was because she is handing his finances to ensure that he won't gamble away the money that is left. He apparently is staying on the budget that she has him on. She's surprised, i can tell, that he's sent me those cookies that he baked. (He is also a wonderful baker and cook; why i got none of these genes except for cup cake making is beyond me....) And then she tells me the exact words that my husband told me "You do understand that he's trying to make peace with you, don't you?"

I called him this morning. I called the house because i knew he wouldn't answer as he's at work. I thanked him for the cookies and for thinking about Emma. And tell him that i miss him. And tell him that if he wants, he can come visit. And that i love him.

And i hang up and know that i've done what my Mom would have wanted me to do....

Friday, March 14, 2008

Adoption in Guatemala

Adoption in Guatemala
Dear Emma,

I am not sure at what point i'll let you read this journal but there is so much going on in Guatemala right now with international adoptions that it makes me sad beyone words. As you grow up, you'll learn that women in the world don't all have the same rights and freedom that women in the United States have. Simple, basic rights, like being able to vote, to run for office, the freedom of education; things that i think sometimes as women in the United States we take for granted. We have so much as a country, Emma. Yes, there are bad things that happen here, there still is racial divide, still hate crimes that occur....but overall, as a country, i think that we have the best of the freedoms possible.

I belong to a few yahoo groups on adoption. They were a life saver while we started our adoption of you and an even better support as we waited and figured out the processes. Many sad stories happened on the boards, like adoptions falling thru, children not being available for adoption, children getting sick and dying due to the sickness and never coming home to their adoptive families. There are happy stories too, of children who do come home to parents who love them beyond words, who are thrilled to be parents, who then do all they can do as parents to love their children. Many of these parents (i dare say not all!) make plans to go back to Guatemala with their children to show them what a beautiful country Guatemala is. There is extreme poverty in Guatemala...sometimes so extreme that it hurts your heart to hear of it or even begin to imagine it.

The below post is one that i made this morning on a thread that i was reading. Whether a good or bad post, well, it's how i was feeling this morning. Women's rights is something near and dear to my heart....and i hope that one day in your lifetime, all women will have those basic rights...especially in your beautiful Guatemala

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Doesn't it bother anyone other than me, that so many people keep writing to this (and other) lists comparing children to toys and other commodities? Comparing the responsiblities of the toy makers in China to the resposiblities to the folks in the United States? I truly do understand that folks are looking for some parallels with regard to holding people/agencies/ businesses accountable, but isn't that the very thing that bothers us about other adoption conversations (e.g. people asking how much it cost to buy our kids . . . people accusing birth parents of selling their children)? Please understand that this comment is not to criticize anyone in particular, just to point out that the conversation on this level is disturbing at best to me.

I just caught a the last half hour of a show on the documentary channel last weekend, maybe called the Plight of Guatemalan Women and I think that would show the difference in the attitude and violence toward women that is different there than here in the U.S. Please don't think i am trying to imply that all people are like that, but it's very common for crimes to happen to women and young girls and horrific things like burning people there DOES happen. It has been documented. The police do nothing in most cases. It hasn't been that many years that our country didn't have resources for battered women and still in rural areas there's nothing. The resources in Guatemala are so very limited to help women compared to what we have here--obviously, take a look at the adoption issues and lack of resources for pregnant women. I know in my limited travels that I haven't seen much of the "real" Guatemala. I have read books though that are very disturbing. And while i know that reading a book and 'seeing the real Guatemala' is a very different thing, it sounds very unsafe now for women and will probably be that way for a very, very long time.

I think that some folks miss the point about women's rights in Guatemala. Guatemalans are, as a general rule, nice people. But the lack of resources, education, justice and law
enforcement in many areas, leave the most vulnerable part of the population, women and children, at the mercy of the men. The Inter American Commission of Human Rights has a report that you may find too strong, but for us who live here, it sounds about right. I can provide the link if you like....but the sad fact is that men, and only men usually make the rules where women and children are concerned with very little (actually, i would dare to say none) input from women.

I have a friend who became friends with a woman from Guatemala who was here in the United States as a student with her husband. He beat her badly several times and finally she left and went to Safe Place - a home for battered women- with her 2 children and little else. This was shortly before Christmas one year. They spent Christmas with us, but
Safe Place had given her gifts- nice gifts- for her children. She and I were in talking, and she said that being here possibly saved her life. She said that in Guatemala the police do nothing about wife beatings, and that she would have had no recourse there, but to go on taking the beatings or leaving to live on the streets, that they had no facilities like Safe Place there. Until you take care of women and children in a country, well, i truly don't believe that the country will be a strong one. While educating men and boys is a good idea, educating women is even better as women will go back to their villages and share the info with other women. Men have a tendency to leave their communities for better areas once educated.

And so, maybe, just maybe, someone wants to talk about women's rights here . No one wants to have children stolen from their birthmoms . No one wants the birthmoms to feel coerced into giving up their children . . . but it seems curious that in a so-called effort to keep that from happening the authorities are quite interested in prosecuting the women who (possibly for very legitimate reasons) have used false identities, etc. to enable them to give their OWN biological children up for adoption. Women in Guatemala face great risk under everyday circumstances, add considering adoption to the mix and some may face extra abuse, torture and death. If the risk for putting a child up for adoption is being, say, burned to death by the members of their community (due to the serious beliefs that babies are sold for their body parts) and the women are doing it anyway it seems reasonable to assume that they (a) have the best interests of the children at heart, and (b) have "their reasons" for assuming false identities or moving around a lot or not being easily located, and (c) aren't in it for the money . . . at least not in the way people like to think.

Under what circumstances would we "sell" our children? No, seriously, lets face the dark and dirty question . . . picture your life such that the question of selling your child might hold some consideration for you . . . what would make you consider it? (And I don't mean the classic question of "is there an amount of money great enough to make you sell your child?" I mean "is there a circumstance dire enough?") Then grant the same intensity of love you have for your kids (even before you had them "home" by birth or adoption) to the women in question here. The women of Guatemala alive today are survivors . . . survivors of war, abuse, torture . . . survivors of poverty, terror, fear . . . survivors of racism, sexism, hatred . . . they make choices for their children in a cultural landscape of very, very few options. If they get caught by the government for concealing their identity or by their husbands for getting pregnant when they're not supposed to or by their communities for putting them up for adoption what happens then?

What then? Tell me, what then? Who truly will loose?

The children. That's who will loose. Innocent childen, that's who.



Know, my dear Emma that i love you with all my heart. Words cannot describe how my soul fills when you smile at me or grab my hand or hug me. Words cannot describe how my heart fills when you greet your Daddy with squeals and smiles and giggles. You have become your Dad's and my greatest blessing, little one.

Love you to the moon and back....

Mommy

Monday, March 10, 2008

Rest In Peace, Dear Scale


This past weekend, i thought that it would be a good time to buy one of those fancy, neat-o scales that not only weigh you, but give out all kind of info that you probably don't want to know in big red numbers. (Those red numbers are digital and are bright enough for my neighbors to see, btw...which would be fine if i was a small hippo and not a 42 year old woman trying to get healthy and lose weight.) I was VERY excited about this new shiny scale....after buying it, i carefully brought it into the house, unwrapped it out of it's box, read all the directions (yep, it came with 8 pages of directions!) and set it up in the place of my old, trusty scale. Which was kinda sad as my old trusty scale and i have been together for almost 20 years....it's seen me though a lot those years. But newer is better, right? And everyone serious about their weight needs a fancy scale with big red digital numbers, right?

The next morning, naked as a blue jay, i 'hopped' on my new shinny scale.

It read 189 lbs.

My heart stated to pump hard, my breathing became shallow, i started to sweat and i truly thought that i was going to faint. I was NOT 189lbs- i weighed yesterday on "Betsy" (that's what i called my old scale) and she has told me that i weighed 179lbs. Maybe i had forgotten to un-dress and take my shoes off?? Did i forget to take my earrings and rings off?? (like they could have possibly weighed 10 pounds....) Did i pee? I did pee didn't i???? Is Emma standing on the scale WITH me?!?!?!?!

I looked down again....Nope, i was truly naked. No earrings, no rings, no earrings, no shoes, no clothes, and yes, i pee'd before i had hopped on the devil's scale. And nope, no baby attached to my leg to make my weight higher.

And that stupid scale STILL SAID 189LB. In fact, it started flashing the number at me to "let me know it was done weighing me". It kept flashing, though, as if to taunt me. Dumb @#*#@ scale.

I jump off and hop on my old trusty Betsy scale. It reads 179lbs.

Back onto the new scale (maybe it was too early for it to work properly?) in the hopes that it realized it's mistake and could see that the OTHER GOOD Betsy scale had my weight at 179lbs. Nope, the new scale did not see that good Betsy had weighted me at the correct weight so it had not realized it's mistake as it still read 189lbs.

I get off the new scale and kick it violently, which kinda hurt as i didn't have shoes on.

So i decided to pee again, you know, just in case.

Hopped back on new shinny scale....IT STILL READS 189lbs.

Back on to my ol' "good" Betsy scale and it still reads 179lbs.

I am mad. I'm more than mad, i'm upset. To the point of tears. After a few choice cuss words and kicking both scales and wondering if i should just take them both outside and destroy them with a hammer, i decide "That's it, NO MORE." I am done with weighing myself every single morning and every time i'm in the bathroom (yes, i weigh daily, like an insane woman). I am done being tied to my scale. I am done. I refuse to be a slave to that dang thing anymore. I refuse to let that stupid thing dictate to me how i will start my day and what kind of mood i'll be in. I refused to have a scale dictate if i'm going to be in a good mood or a bad mood, i refuse to weigh every day, twice a day, i refuse to let MY journey be dictated by shiny evil scale and Betsy.

NO MORE. NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!!!!!

I will weigh myself at the first of the month. That's it. I will go on my clothes and how i feel...my eating habits are so much better, i'm doing my treadmill 6 days a week and upping the time that i'm on it, i feel better, so that's my plan. I'm in a size 12/14 with the 14s being big. I've given up soda, i'm working on my eating plans, am eating healthier and i'm moving in the right direction....i'm in the process of thinking about re-vamping my diet to exclude meats. I'm working on me....

I haul both scales down to the basement, ignoring my husband on the way down. He knows better than to chuckle or to even ask me where i'm taking Betsy and the New Shiny Scale, seeing how i'm still naked. I put them both in the basement corner and walk away from both of them, promising to be back on them on the first of next month and not a moment before.

My husband is waiting for me at the top of the stairs. He hugs me tightly and whispers softly "Thank you for getting rid of Betsy; you are driving yourself nuts by the way you weigh yourself". And then i think about Emma; do i want my beautiful daughter to think for a second that her whole self worth and health is gauged by a number on a scale? Of course not! So why am "I" doing this???

I'll still weigh on Betsy on my once-a-month weigh in....after all, she knows my correct weight, right? What if Betsy was wrong though? What if i do weigh 189lbs??? Then i decide that i'll weigh on the evil new scale and dear Betsy every month.....and record those numbers. If they match, fine. If not, i'll just have two numbers, dang it.

I miss Betsy already. (No, i don't miss the evil shiny scale!) But it's time that my "friendship" with Betsy had some rules and boundaries so i can get on with things and understand the type of example i'm setting as Emma grows up. And besides, dear Betsy is just downstairs, waiting patiently for the first of the month when she and i will be reunited....