How to say "good-bye"...

One of the things that i'm often asked about my Mama passing away from cancer is if i was thankful for the time to say "good-bye" to her. I have always answer "no" to that question, then have to explain how very,very grateful i was for the 4/5 months that i was able to semi-live with her and my dad towards the end of her life, but that i wished that she didn't have to suffer with the pain that she had. I truly believe, in my heart, that i would have preferred her to pass away suddenly than to have to watch my Mama suffer the way she did. To watch someone you love suffer in pain, day after day, and not be able to do anything but offer more, and more stronger pain-killing drugs (and pray silently to yourself hourly) is the most difficult thing that i've ever done. There were times when nothing seemed to comfort her; not drugs, not the presence of friends or prayers gently whispered.

Although i'm thankful for the strong drugs that tried to drive her pain away, those very same drugs made her incoherent and bedridden. She wasn't able to communicate with me for a lot of the last few months. Christmas Eve was the last time she was out of her bed; my Dad wanted her to see the Christmas tree. In a way, it was as though she had already left me, but her body was doing what all of our bodies are designed to do: survive. I would lay next to her on the bed, holding her hand as she slept or napped, talking softly to her, telling her all of the things i knew i needed to tell her before she passed away, yet feeling as though she wasn't present in her body. Oddly enough, i felt her "in" the room, so i would keep talking, and talking. I would tell her about the child Robert and i were one day hoping to adopt, how much i loved Robert, how i would look after Claudine, that i was finally happy and on the right track, that i was sorry for not coming home that one Christmas because i just didn't want to celebrate Christmas in the mist of my divorce. I should have come home that Christmas; not to celebrate, but to be taken care of by her.

She and i cried together only once: the day that i first arrived to stay. We were in her bedroom together, and i was putting her to bed, tucking her in, praying and begging, as hard as i could to myself that God would somehow, some way, get rid of all of the cancer in her body. What was i going to do without her? I continued to tuck her in, as she did me for so many years, and i started to cry. She sat up, wrapped her arms around me and told me that it was okay, that this is the way it was, and that i would be okay. That Robert was with me now...and of course, i just continued to cry. Although i am so very grateful that God put Robert into my life just when i would need him the most, i didn't want to trade my mother in. My Mom was suppose to live into her nineties, like she and i had talked about so many times. She wasn't suppose to leave me this soon, and certainly not like this. Certainly she wasn't suppose to leave me like this...

I don't remember telling her 'good-bye'. I remember telling her one night in January as i tucked her in, that when she was ready to leave us, to go to her father and brother who were waiting for her, that she should and that we would be okay. As i whispered this to her that night, i remember thinking to myself "I'll be okay, but nothing will ever, ever be the same" as the tears came. My sweet Mama had already fallen asleep, snoring softly, as i talked and tucked her in but i was glad that i managed to say those words because i never thought that i would. My prayers to God had changed dramatically in the last two months. I was now begging God to please, please take her, to stop this suffering, that enough was enough and she deserved peace. I felt horrible praying this because i didn't want her to die, yet in order for her to have peace and for the pain to stop, she would have to die. I wanted her to stay with me, but i knew she needed to go.

And she finally did, one early morning in January. I was thankful that it was over for her and she was now at peace. But the loss i felt and still feel daily, is so very great. It is although my heart is missing a huge piece. I try to look after my sister as i promised my Mama i would, but that has proven to be more difficult than i would have imagined. Claudine and i feel her presence missing so much when we are together...we are sad sometimes when we are together, thinking how things should be different. But we have managed to find comfort in cooking the things that she loved to cook for us, and talking about her. And in that way, i suppose, our hearts are trying to heal a little.

This weekend, i'm leaving for Atlanta to visit Ms. Jo, my friend who is now in hospice care. I still have not a clue how to say 'good-bye' so i'm not going to. If anything, i should say to her, "See you later" as one day, i will see her again.

Just as i will my Mama.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

The Birthday Cake

This is the cake that Emma and i made together for her fourth birthday.

It's pretty, isn't it?


This is how the cake looked after i left Emma alone with the cake. She got her stool, climbed up to the big stool and licked the icing off of her birthday cake.

I wasn't gone that long; i had gone upstairs to grab some laundry that needed to be done. Apparently, though, i was gone long enough for this to happen.

I'm sure that i'll look back on this and giggle.

Just not yet, though...

Dear Emma....

It is the night before your fourth birthday and i'm going through photos of you that i've taken since you were placed in my arms on that hot July morning. So many photos of you!! I know that you will run out of patience with my photo taking, but i hope you'll understand why i try to capture as many photos of you as i can. Children have a way of growing up so very quickly and photos make the magic of the growing up last just a little longer.

I am sometimes shocked that you are turning four already. Although i've been here for every second, you seem to have grown in front of my eyes without me knowing it. It seems that i've blinked, and here we are, getting ready to sing "Happy Birthday" to you again! You are excited about your birthday, i think. Perhaps, though, it's just because you know that we will be making a cake...

I'm so proud of the little girl you are becoming, Emmie. How you love animals! You know the names of so many of them! You love your books with the animals the most so you can call out their names and tell me about them. Eels, orcas, dolphins, crabs, spider monkeys, donkeys, alpacas, cutter ants, anteaters, elephants, giraffes, lions, tigers, panthers, owls, seals...you name it, you know it. I'm also so happy to see that you love to learn new words in Spanish. You know your colors, your numbers, fruits and countless other words in Spanish. I have to smile to myself when you ask me "What's dat in Spwaish, Mama?" every chance you get when we are out.

Other than animals, you love books, Woody, Buzz and especially Jessie, the Cowgirl. Oh, and her horse, Bullseye. You also love to be naked, as much as you can. (You tell me that is the only way that you can jump on the bed, btw!) You love to run, love to be outside, you love flowers/plants, you love the zoo, the beach and you LOVE pizza. And i almost forgot, you love Slinky Dog, too. Pachi is still your guy, though. He is your best buddy and constant companion. Thank heavens he is holding up okay....he's been everywhere with you! You sing to him constantly. I smile at how many songs you know. You know too many songs to list, but your favorite are the bible songs we sing every morning and in the car to school. Hearing your sing "Jesus loves me" makes me smile...

You also love school and your little friends! I love how you always ask for Cooper, Bree, Bella and Sean. You insist on saying hello to all of your teachers and Mrs. Cheryl every morning. I love seeing how much you love Ms. Cindy still. It's been interesting seeing how social you are as, well, i'm not. You introduce yourself to folks in the grocery store and have no hesitation of talking to someone that you've just met. You and Dada have that in common, it seems.

Speaking of Dada, you two are two peas in a pod. You love for him to chase you, tickle you, and ride on his shoulders. It's hard for me not to giggle every evening when he comes home and your hear him open the garage door. You start screaming "MAMA, DADA IS HOME, DADAAAA IS HOOOMMMMMEEEE! LETS GO SEE HIM NOWWWWW!" I'm forgotten once he walks in the door, but really, that's okay as i'm glad to see him too.

You are learning about Guatemala, bit by bit. We talk about your birth mother when we say our prayers, but i'm not sure how much you understand yet. I think of her on a daily basis, Emma, and even more it seems, on days like your birthday or a holiday. How proud of you she would be! You are a mirror image of her. She is a most beautiful woman with hair and eyes like you. Perhaps that is one of the reasons for all of the photos...i hope one day to share them with her so she can see how much the two of you look alike. Your birth mother is part of our family, Emma and always remember that there is more than enough love to go around.

Happy 4th Birthday, my sweet one. Know that your Daddy and i love you to the moon and back....

Mommy

Mini-Quiche

I've never really been a big fan of quiche. I'm not sure why, as i've never actually eaten quiche before. I know, i know, "How do you know you don't like something till you've tried it?" you ask? I have not a clue...but one taste of these babies, and i am singin' a different tune. These little bites of joy are AMAZING.

I received this recipe from Valorie from my MomsTogether group. I was nervous about making these....because, you know, i didn't "like quiche". These mini-quiche came out perfect! Great as a brunch recipe, great for family breakfast.

Mini-Quiche

~INGREDIENTS
1box Pillsbury® refrigerated pie crusts, softened as directed on box
1/4cup chopped green onions (4 medium)
2eggs
1/2cup half-and-half
1/3cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/4teaspoon salt
1/8teaspoon ground nutmeg
1box (9 oz) Green Giant® frozen chopped spinach, thawed, squeezed to drain (I USED A HANDFUL OF FRESH SPINACH, CUT UP SMALL AND COOKED FOR A FEW MIN. IN OLIVE OIL. )

~DIRECTIONS
1.Heat oven to 375°F. Remove 1 pie crust from pouch; place flat on work surface. With 2 1/2-inch round cutter, cut 12 rounds. Press each round in bottom and up sides of ungreased mini muffin cup. Repeat with second pie crust.
2.In 8-inch skillet, cook onions in a little olive oil or pam; cook 2 to 3 minutes, stirring constantly, until tender. Drain. (if cooking fresh spinach, cook with onions.
3.In medium bowl, place onions. Add eggs; beat well with fork. Stir in half-and-half, cheese, salt and nutmeg. Stir in spinach. Divide mixture evenly into crust-lined cups.
4.Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until puffed and golden brown. Cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes. With tip of knife, loosen and remove quiches from cups. Serve warm or cool. Store in refrigerator.

NOTES: I used fresh spinach and it was so easy to do. I used a little olive oil and cooked the green onion and spinach together for just a few mintues, stirring frequently. Chop spinach small with a sharp knife and i promise you won't be sorry that you didn't use frozen spinach!

Please pray for Kate....

This is little Kate McRae.

I have been following little Kate and her family for a while now, since 2009. Cheering at every good moment, tearing up at the bad moments and praying the entire time for this beautiful little girl and her family.

You see, little Kate was diagnosed in 2009 with childhood cancer. Her Mommy and Daddy were told that little Kate had a massive tumor on the left temporal lobe of her brain. From there,Kate's Mommy wrote on their Caring Bridge Site that "Kate underwent a craniotomy with tumor resection on July 3rd, 2009. They unfortunately were only able to remove 50% of the tumor due to it's location in the left temporal lobe of her brain and the fact that the tumor had wrapped itself around the left middle cerebral artery to her brain. Kate experienced right sided paralysis immediately following surgery along with the loss of her speech."

After waiting for the pathology reports, her parents learned that Kate was diagnosed with a very malignant, aggressive brain tumor called a supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor or sPNET.

In January, 2010, Kate finished her 5th round of Chemo.

And then, the family was off to Houston to do radiation on little Kate's brain.

Then in May 2010, a PET Scan showed NO signs of cancer in her brain.

It seems that all of the prayers for little Kate were being answered.

Kate, after much physical therapy, returned to start school. Her Mommy held her breath, continuing to pray that this Monster was beaten.

Kate had a scan done on February 1st.

There are new spots on Kate's brain...and a new spot on the other side.

The Monster is back.

Damn it.

Kate's family is crushed.

Little Kate, in tears, asked her Daddy "Why, Daddy? Why hasn't Jesus healed me yet?"

Kate's Daddy only answer to that question was more tears.

Please, add little Kate and her family to your prayer lists. Ask for healing for this little one, for wisdom for her doctors as they try to figure out what path to take, for her family to feel God's love around them.

Here is a LINK to Kate's Caring Bridge Site. If you feel that you want to leave a message for Kate and her family, please do. I'm sure that they cherish each and every message and prayer that is left for them.

Please.

Please pray for sweet Kate.

Please.

Again?

Lately, i've been in the mist of thinking of a lot of things. I think that it's due to the fact it's January and i've always felt that January is a great time for self reflection and the deep thinking stuff. Leave it to me to kick off the year with this deep thinking stuff. This January, for many reasons, i seem to be consumed with thoughts of mainly one subject:

Cancer.

It has consumed me lately, thoughts of this disease. I hate that it's such a big part of my life, my thoughts and to the life and thoughts of those around me. I hate that i know more about cancer than i ever wanted to know. I hate that i know about the Sara Cannon Center, about MD Anderson, about Vanderbilt's program and about experimental "options". I hate how it not only touches the lives that it invades, but how it changes lives forever. I hate how we all have the 'cancer cells' but that they 'turn' on for people sometimes without reason or rhyme. I hate how cancer can go away, be "cured", and then, years later (or sooner) come back into someones life. I hate that i actually have suggestions for caretakers of cancer patients on ways to help them eat, or how to maybe feel better and how to watch for certain things. I hate that i read about cancer and how i hate that i look to see if there is anything new that could help a cancer patient.

Because that "cancer patient" is some one's wife, some one's daughter, some one's mother, some one's sister, some one's aunt or uncle, some one's father, some one's husband or some one's child....it seems that cancer isn't picky about who it picks.

Oh, and of course, i hate how no one has figured out a way to rid us of this disease.

I sometimes want to scream till my throat hurts: "How is it that we can put a man on the moon, travel in space, make a car that runs on electricity and yet, cancer is still in our world?" or how about this one: "Really?!? We can have a trillion dollar deficit, but we can't have a cure for all cancers?!?!" I know, i know, i know....cancer is a difficult enough of a disease to figure out much less treat.

But i wish....

Well, you know what i wish...

My Mama.

My sweet Grandma.

My Tio, Jose Luis.

Little Kate.

Amy's Dad.

Janice's cousin.

Gail.

Mrs. Jo.

I wish that i had a magic wand sometimes to cure cancer. Or at the very least, a big stick to beat it away.

Cancer has shown me just how immature, how horribly immature, my faith can be. It's truly embarrassing, you know. I find myself wanting to "make deals" with God when faced with a loved one's cancer or a friend's cancer. Almost like i'm on that game show, Let's Make a Deal? Or the "Please-Take-This-Person-Not-That-Person" game?

"God, please, please, please cure my friend's father. Isn't there someone else who deserves to die more than my friend's father? If you need some names...."

Yes.

sigh...

Yes, i have prayed that. More than once, i'm afraid.

And i know that it's wrong to pray that. And i know that it's horribly immature to pray that. I truly hope that God sees past my childish prayers and outbursts and understands. But, sometimes, anger finds a way to creep in when i'm thinking about what cancer is doing to someone i love, or to a friend's family member. Anger creeps in when i realize that there isn't anything i can do to help, other than give hugs, send notes and just be there.

Praying, leaving and trusting in God is the best thing to do during these times; i know this. In fact, i have come to understand that it may be the only thing to do.

For He does have a plan.

He does.

Even if i struggle to understand it.

These are the moments....

 

 

 

 

...that literally take "my" breath away.

These three black and white photo are a snap-shot into our mornings. Emma, in her favorite monkey pjs, being chased by my husband who is acting as the "Tickle Monster". Through the house Emma, Pachi and Robert run, giggling hysterically until the "Tickle Monster" catches Emma and Pachi.

And moments after being caught by the Tickle Monster, the chase begins again; round and round the three of them go, over and over again, Emma with her little girl screams, Robert with his "monster" noises and Pachi swinging from his tail or ears. Poor Pachi is usually being held by one of his ears or his tail (which is barely hanging on, btw) as Emma runs and laughs her belly laugh as she is chased by Robert.

These are the moments that i try to close my eyes and memorize. I try to memorize the smell of fruit loops, the smell of Emma and Robert, the sound of my little daughter laughing and running and my husband, who i fall in love with over and over again as he chases her. I want to hold onto these moments because i know how fast moments move through our lives and just how fast life can change in one of those moments.

I am always terrified that something will happen that is out of my control and these types of moments will stop forever. Perhaps that's why i try to hang on so desperately to the moments that take my breath away. Perhaps that's why i always try to have my camera in hand, to capture the moments. I hang on to my daughter, my husband, and my life like a drowning woman sometimes, terrified that i will loose it all to some unknown force. I worry that God won't be looking at the exact moment that this 'disaster' strikes and my life will forever be changed and i will loose these two cherished ones that i consider "mine" and my happy life.

The truth is, neither my daughter or my husband are "mine".

They are entrusted to me, to take care of, to love, to cherish by God. They are gifts. His gifts to me. And no matter how desperately i hang on to both of them, they will never be "mine".

They are His.

Just as i am.

I recently have realized that hanging on so desperately to my moments out of fear with my family takes the joy out of those moments. For me to think that i have control of my life or that these two that i love are "mine" isn't smart or wise, either. I am entrusted by God to take care of both of them, cherish both of them and love both of them as best as i can. And i am to cherish the moments that i am given with them as a gift...

...a gift from God.

I know all about God's gift of eternal life for us. I know that He loves us so much that He gave His son for us. I know that things happen to people for reasons that i don't understand and struggle with, but that God understands. I know that i am to trust God with all my heart and soul. But i sometimes find myself wanting to "help" God with "my" ideas of how i think things should be in the world and in my life. I tend forget, it seems, that He has a plan for each of us and truly, does not need my help or input with any of it no matter how helpful i think that i may be.

Although i think and say that i trust God with all my heart and soul, do i?

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

"Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him." ~Psalm 2:12

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~Psalm 27:14

In my quiet moments now, i am a student again, learning and reading my bible. I am immature in my faith, wanting to "help" God, wanting to change things to suit me. Learning for me, is a slow process, reading the bible and learning about it can be a challenge; but it has also been almost like an awakening of my soul. I am learning how to let go, learning how to truly trust God entirely and not just let that be a sentence that comes from my mouth that sounds good. I am slowly learning to let the moments in my life continue to take my breath away, not be fearful of the unknown, and to truly not only put God first but to trust Him fully.

It's hard to teach these things if you don't know them yourself, you know. A child knows when your bluffing or when you don't have a clue about what you're talking about. I have to get this right, teaching Emma about God and how to study His word. It's one of the most important thing as a parent that i can teach her.

I want to be the one to teach Emma not only about how amazing God is, how amazing His grace is, how amazing His love is for us...

...but how thankful and grateful we should be to Him for all of those moments in our lives that He gives us that take our breath away.

Because if we think those moments He gives us here on earth are amazing and take our breath away, can you imagine how awesome and breath taking it will be to stand before Him when our time comes?

Truly a moment to look forward to...

Wordless Monday....

 

 

 

 

....but how beautiful is little Jillian?

In love....

....with this cake from "I am Baker".

Amanda, my friends, has the most amazing blog, full of photos and yummy things. You can find her HERE. Trust me, you'll want to visit her site with a cup of hot chocolate with no one to bother you, it's that amazing of a blog. I love a blog with ideas, recipes, and amazing photos. Amanda has all of those things. I truly wish i knew her and that we were BBFs. :)

Back to this beauty of a cake...

I'm not sure if it's the pink icing, the pink polka-dots or what, but i love this cake. I may even be in lust with this cake.

Emma's birthday is coming up.

She'll be four.

I won't go there right now about her turning four...

Emma tells me that she wants a 'chocooowate cwake"....

Maybe this cake, with chocolate inside....

Maybe i can pull this off....

Maybe.

Breakfast Bake

I'm sorry for the poor quality of the photo; my camera phone isn't as good as the real one. But this recipe, is really yummy....and even better, it can be made the night before and put in the refrigerator till your ready to bake the next morning. I love to share recipes that i find like this!

ummm, well, actually, i didn't "find" the recipe. It found me! At Fellowship Bible Church, i belong to the MOMs Together group. I get to bake for the meetings and this is one of the awesome, fix-ahead recipes that i got assigned.

Cool, huh?

Anyways, back to the Breakfast Bake....and how yummy it is and fat-free.

Ha!

Got ya there, didn't i? It's not a fat-free breakfast casserole. I don't even know if there might be a 'healthy breakfast casserole'...i'm sure that there is, maybe, but, well, is it as yummy as this one?

So, it's not the friendly, Weight Watcher kinda breakfast. Unless you only have one fork-full. Trust me, though, you won't be able to have just "one" fork-full of this thing for breakfast!

Breakfast Bake

4 1/2 cups seasoned croutons (i used 'herb seasoned')
2 cups (8 oz) shredded cheddar cheese
1 medium onion- chopped/diced
1/4 cup chopped/diced sweet red pepper
1/4 cup chopped/diced green pepper
1 jar (4 1/2 oz) sliced mushrooms, drained
8 eggs (Oh my....)
4 cups milk (I used 2% milk)
1 teaspoon salt (i cut this to half)
1 teaspoon ground mustard (GROUND MUSTARD!)
1/8 teaspoon pepper
8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled (yes, that's EIGHT strips)
9x13 pan

Directions:
Sprinkle croutons, cheese, onion, peppers and mushrooms into greased(i sprayed the pan with PAM) 9x13 pan. In a bowl, combine the eggs, milk, salt, mustard and pepper. Slowly pour over vegetables. sprinkle with bacon. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
The next morning, bake at 350 for 45-60 min, or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean.

It makes a good breakfast dinner, too....

Back to my snow day, pj wearing activities...