A rainy day....

 

I haven't seen this much rain in a very long time. It has literally rained all day long....which is good for my flowers and trees but is crappy to drive in. The creek near our house is extremely high; in fact, the guy at the gas station said that the creek hasn't been that high in he doesn't know when. Good thing we are on a hill because it doesn't look like the rain is going to stop anytime soon. It's mixed with lighting, too...and here's even better news: it's suppose to rain for quite a few more days. Oh, yay...

I've been toying with something for a while now. Trying to figure out if i should do something or not. Motherhood has definitely changed more things that i imagined. In B.E. time (Before Emma time) i would just make a decision. Right or wrong, i would make a decision quickly. (I'm not known for my unlimited amount of patience....) I would try to look at pros and cons, but i am one of those snap decisions makers. I've been lucky that most of those snap decisions of mine have turned out relatively good. But now, well, it's different. Very different. I take others into account-especially Emma. Motherhood shows you that you are more self-centered than you ever thought you were. It's not so much anymore about what "i" want to do or not do; it's more of what will be best for Emma. I think that probably all mothers are like this; i know that my mother was. And i would chastise her, telling her to think of herself, to do something for herself for once, to take care of herself. She never did of course, putting my sister and my interest ahead of hers. I told myself that when "I" became a mother, by golly, i wouldn't be like that. I now look into the mirror and see my mother's eyes and the traits that i have inherited. It's interesting how this change has been one that has happened without my noticing it...it's kinda evolved without my noticing it. I'm sure that my mother would get a huge kick out of this because i can't count the times i told her that i would "never, ever be like her".

For the most part, i don't mind this new way of making decisions. I do realize that it's not about me anymore, its about us and what is best for us and what is best for Emma. But every once in awhile, well, i'd like to do what i want. You know, i like strawberry ice cream, everyone else likes vanilla. So, i go with vanilla, telling myself that 'next time', i'll get the strawberry kind. And i never do....i'm still eating vanilla. I love being a mother, but i think that as mothers, we loose a part of us when children and family come into play. We push that part of us to the back, rationalizing the choices we make. We stuff that part of us away, telling ourselves that we will take care of ourselves later. And yet, later never seems to come. Later often comes too late.

I'm doing the mulling thing. I have something that i truly in my heart want to do. But will i do it? Will i take the chance? I'm afraid not....