The day after...

 

...Mother's Day is only a half an hour away.

It's quiet here now, everyone is tucked in and sleeping. Everyone except me. Even though i'm tired, i'm just not ready to go to bed quite yet. I'm busy thinking about Mother's Day past....with my Mother.

It is true that you truly don't understand your mother till you become a mother yourself. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just leave me alone to make my own decision, my own mistakes and make my own way into the world.

I so understand it now.

I see my daughter, at the age of three, wanting to be on the 'big' slide. To do it by herself. And it's hard, so very hard sometimes, so just stay back and let her do it "all" by herself. I want to protect her, to make sure that she's safe, that no harm will come to her.

Just as i'm sure that my Mother wanted to do for me.

The truth is, in raising children, everything that you teach them is to equip them to do things on their own. To live their own lives, make their own decisions, and go out into the world on their own. Parenting is almost like a series of long good-byes....after you've done "your" job, it's time for your child to take what you've taught them, leave you, and live their own lives.

How i wish that i told my mother that i loved her more. How i wish that i would have went home even more often than i did to see her. How i wish that i could ask her if she is proud of the woman and mother that i'm becoming. How i wish i could ask her how in the world she potty trained me without killing me. How i wish she could see Emma...and be her grandma and teach her Spanish songs and play with her.

How my mother would have loved Emma....

I know that she is in a better place with no pain, no suffering and no cancer. I know it's selfish of me to want her here with me. I thought that after some time, my heart wouldn't ache so badly from loosing her. But my heart aches so much sometimes that i can't breathe.

I do think that she did a good job with me. Granted, it took me a while to get to where i am now (i really took the long road to get to my happy place) and it is because of the values that she taught me that i'm here. I do have her temper, her passion for life, her love of food, her love of cooking, her love of all things Spanish, her love of the beach,her love of the United States, her love of pie and her insistence of doing your best, no matter what. And i have the passion for being a mother just like she did.

Good gifts to have. I wish that i could tell her thank you for these gifts and traits.

Sometimes, i think that she does know how much i think of her. And how blessed that i feel that i had her as my Mom for 40 years. She never gave up on me, even when i gave up on me.

And that speaks volumes about the kind of mother she was.

I love you, Mama...Happy Mother's Day.