Monday, May 5, 2008

I love cookbooks!


I love cookbooks. Love them. I really love cookbooks with great photos that actually show what the food is suppose to look like when it's done. Of course, some of these cookbooks that i have aren't exactly 'every-day-kinda-cookbooks" meaning that the recipe would take a lot longer than a Mommy of a one year old has time to do. My love of cookbooks goes back to my Mother; we would trade cookbooks and flip though new ones together. When she was sick and bed ridden, we would often watch the Food Channel together. It was a way to for us to be together and i think watching the Food Channel gave us a chance to talk at times as if nothing was wrong and that cancer wouldn't take her life. She was like me in her tastes in cookbooks-the more photos, lol, the better. She was a MUCH better cook than i ever hope to be....she would try recipes often and they usually came out wonderful. She had many Spanish cookbooks that i now have along with her favorite recipes. I have many happy memories of her and i in the kitchen....the kitchen was "the" gathering room for us for holidays, get-togethers and just were we would gather on a daily basis. I hope to make a cookbook for Emma one day of all of the recipes that i've come to love and the cookies that i plan to bake with her. Cooking can be fun and it's a great way to stay healthy as you have control over what you make!


I'm more of a baker than a cook so i lean towards cake and cupcakes-hmm, i guess that's one of my downfalls! I love cupcakes-a cupcake can bring out the kid in anyone. I do love to bake, but one of my new rules this year is if i bake it, i keep a serving here for Robert and i and the rest is given to friends or neighbors. I know myself well enough to know that i can't keep stray cupcakes in our home!! My attempts at some cake and cupcake recipes end up looking like a science experiment that one did in high school but that hasn't stopped me from trying because no matter how they've looked, most of them were really tasty!


My favorite new cookbook is the Hungry Girl Cookbook. I get the "Hungry Girl Newsletter" in my email box each morning and it is a truly fun read. If you don't get the newsletter, you should! Lots of great advice, recipes, new items to try...it's just a fun newsletter. The cookbook is a lot different from my other cookbooks-it has 8 pages of color photos, it's paperback and has lots of cool drawings. But it's a cookbook that i feel that "I" can use often and it has all of the nutritional information for all of the recipes. It also gives you info on the types of products used but cautions that the nutritional value may change if you indeed substitute. There is also a fun "survival guide" in the book that's a great read and there is a list of recommended products. (She is paid NO endorsement fees from companies, it's just a list of food that she's put together that she and her staff love.) It's a keeper of a cookbook and i can see myself using this cookbook often....and it's not only because the recipes are good but also because they are EASY! (That's a Mommy-Favorite Word right now!)


Here is a recipe that i've tried and loved:


Yum Yum Brownies Muffins


~Ingredients:

1 box of devil's food cake mix (about 18 oz)

1 can 15-ounce can pure pumpkin


~Directions: Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix the two ingredients together. DON'T add anything else that may be mentioned on the box like eggs, oil or water. The mixture will be very thick, so you might be tempted to add in other things to make the batter smoother. DO NOT DO THIS! :) Place batter into 12 muffin pan lined with baking cups or sprayed with non stick spray. (i do the non-stick spray and they come out great!) Place pan in over and bake for 20 minutes.


Makes 12 servings. ~Per serving: (1 muffin) 181 calories, 3.5 g fat, 357 sodium, 37 carbs, 2g fiber, 20g sugars, 2g protein. WW POINTS: 3


A note about the WW points: all of the recipes in the book are listed on her site WITH the WW points values. She is a huge fan of WW and supports them.


I also have one for Dreamy Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge that is in this book, too....if you want the recipe, let me know and i'll be sure to pass it along. It's an easy one, too....and no one who i've given it to has any idea that it's not a "real" piece of fudge. :) It's good to have these types of recipes handy as you can bring them to the office or a cookout and know that you are staying on track. And of course, lol, i'm always on the lookout for favorite recipes...so if you have any, please share with me!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

You want me to do what??


I suffer from the "Sure! I can/help/do/take care of that" syndrome. Usually, i'm happy that i was able to help someone and i seem to get much more out of what i've done than what i've given. It's also lead me to do more sometimes because i know that with only one child, well, i'm able to do more than someone with a larger family. And who am i trying to kid? It's been fun helping, too! I've brought meals to families, baked cupcakes, ran errands, sent cards...it truly makes your soul fill with joy when you know that you've helped someone. It's even better when you help and no one knows it was you that helped!


As a first year member of MOPS, i've so enjoyed myself. Really. I loved meeting other women and hearing ideas from them and heck, i just loved having adult girl conversations! I did feel out of place my first few meetings; it was hard leaving my little daughter in the MOPPETS room (the first time was a crying disaster for "me"....Emma had a great time, btw.) and it was hard being with women who had such strong religious faith as i am still learning and finding my way. I was in awe of some of these women...they truly seemed to know their calling, they truly seemed to know the bible, they truly had an unbending faith in God, and they truly seemed to know 'how' to be a Mommy. Meanwhile, over in my chair, i was still searching for answers and still trying to find my way, not daring to tell anyone that i diapered Emma backwards or that she accidentally rolled off our bed or better yet, that i had locked my precious daughter in my car with me on the outside of the car! What would they think of me?? Luckily, i had a fantastic care group leader who did her best to make me feel welcome and feel like i was a part of the group. Slowly, but surely, i've made a small circle of women friends who i can chat with, call and talk to. Our MOPS group is huge-there are over 80 members in our group and we are at 10 women to a table so it's hard to know everyone but it's great to feel that you are a part of this group.


Our year is ending for MOPS and the leadership drive was started a few weeks ago. I remember chuckling to myself after one of my favorite mentors asked me if i was considering being on the steering team next year "Are you kidding?? Me?? I'm still learning how to be a Mommy! And i don't have a lot of answers. I can barely lead me, much less lead anyone else!". I just smiled and said "No, i hadn't considered it." and left it at that. The next meeting, my care group leader asked me about it-maybe to consider being a care group leader? Again, i chucked....she was helping me un-glue my craft day project from the table where i had accidentally glued it (sigh, nope i'm not crafty, lol) and just shook my head 'no'. After the meeting, i was headed to the door to pick up my daughter when our coordinator stopped me with the Leadership Application in hand.....and asked me to please pray about it, that she thought that i would be wonderful addition to the steering team.


So, my application is done and has been turned in. I was honest as i could be on the questionnaire. And it was a hard questionnaire for me. Questions like "If you were at Heaven's gate and the Lord wanted to know why you should be let in, what would you say?" and "What are some of your qualifications to be in MOPS Leadership?" took a bit of time to answer. I mailed it in because i said that i would....feeling smug as i knew that they wouldn't (and couldn't!!) possibly want me.


They do. This is just proof that God, indeed, has a sense of humor.


I applied for Care Giver or In Reach positions. Our Search Committee wants me to do Publicity. I think they have me mixed up with someone else. The only thing i know about publicity (which includes doing the newsletter and directory) is that it is a HUGE job. It's a HUGE job. Did i mention it's a HUGE job?? They've asked me to please pray about it....and i am. But Publicity? Me? Really? Can i do this??


And so, i'm praying. And speaking to some of my MOPS friends....who are apparently in on this as they think it's fantastic. I don't know, i truly don't know if i would be over my head or not. I'm a classic "A" type of personality.....and although i'm quite funny, lol, i'm high strung, too. Is this really what they need?


My favorite mentor emailed me this quote yesterday:


"I can do what you can't do and you can do what I can't do. Together, we can do great things." (Mother Teresa)


So, we'll see.....i have much thinking to do. I truly don't know....and of course, the position scares me.


Can i do this? Can i?

Saturday, May 3, 2008

So happy it's Saturday!!


So happy that it's Saturday! It's not that we have a lot planned, it's just a different pace and i relax a little. I think that i take my "job" as a Mommy a bit too serious some days (okay, most days!)....Robert is the "fun" one, i'm afraid. He's the "let's-go-down-the-slide" Daddy and i'm the "that's not a little girl slide" kinda Mommy. No one ever mentioned to me before becoming a Mommy that there were so many "dangers" that i needed to "protect" my daughter from. Can you tell which one of us in our little family has some serious relaxing to do? Yup, that would be me. So, i'm trying to relax a bit more in my "Mommyness".


I try not to be high strung, really, i do. I try not to look out for danger and let Emma learn things on her own, like falling down is okay, you just get back up. I try to treat that as an "oh-oh, you fell down, you're okay" moment instead of swooping down and holding her. I don't want to be "stalker-Mommy", ready to swoop down in a moments notice to keep the world safe. (and, yes, i use to make fun of Mommies who act like i do now, wondering why in the world they wouldn't just relax?? What WAS wrong with THEM?? Yesh, it's so easy to be a Mommy when you aren't one!) If i do this, if i act like this, i worry that Emma will never learn to be a self assured little girl. It does seem to me that whether i want to admit it or not, this little girl is growing up right before my eyes and is beginning to form her own little personality. She's fearless. No steps are too much, no noise seems to startle her, she loves water and being splashed, she loves bouncing on her bouncy chair and the higher the better, being on Daddy's shoulders brings on little girls squeals and giggles as he bounces (sigh, YES, he bounces....he looks like freakin' Tigger). Meanwhile, Mommy is in the corner, hyperventilating because she thinks that the little one is in 'danger' of falling.


As a child, i remember being scared of everything. The dark, loud noise, loud voices, thunder...this list could go on and on. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason, i didn't. I always wanted to be held and cuddled. I wanted to be near my Mom....i wasn't a happy camper when she would leave the room. Maybe some children are like this, you know, it's just who they are. Maybe it's part of their personality. Maybe that's the way that God made them. So i figured that maybe, all children would be like this to a certain extent.....
Nope. Not happenin' here. Emma is independent. She's not a cuddler unless i have a bottle in my hand. She'll let you pick her up and cuddle her for a few seconds, but then she's off looking for the next adventure. She's not needy. Heck, she's an easy child when i compare her to other folks children. I guess being a Mommy is about figuring out the kind of child you have and doing the best you can to meet their needs. And it's not about smothering and chasing away all dangers. Oh, some dangers are unacceptable, but the ones like running too fast and falling? Really, i need to get a grip. I can't let my personality effect the natural Emma personality that is now starting to form. I don't want her to be scared of her shadow, i don't want her to be fearful of life, i don't want her to be scared of falling down, i don't want her to be scared of the dark.
My hope for Emma is as it is for me: to be fearless and to love herself. To take chances and to love life as she is. To not be afraid of life because after all, you do get what you put out there in life.
It truly all starts with me, doesn't it?

Friday, May 2, 2008

Is she yours?


I suppose that all adoptive parents have questions asked to them about their children at one time or another. I've read about many of the questions that other adoptive parents have been asked on an adoption site that i visit often. Some of the questions are funny like: "Are they your REAL children?" and "Are you their REAL Mommy?" and my favorite "Is she yours?" but for some reason, i never thought anyone would ask 'me' a question about Emma. I'm not sure why, i just never thought anyone would. You mean she doesn't look like me? Really? To be honest, it rarely crosses my mind that we don't look alike. She does have this beautiful black hair like my husband and this incredible skin. She's very fair and such a cutie. Yeah, yeah, i know that i'm basis, but really she is a beautiful little girl.


Well, today, someone did asked me "the question" of "Is she yours?". Every Tuesday i take a bible study class and Emma goes into the church day care. She loves it there; loves the other children and the care givers are really, really good. Today, after i had gotten Emma's jacket off and she toddled away to play, one of the care givers asked me: "Is she yours?" I guess i must have looked goofy because she continues with "I hope i'm not being rude by asking......" as she trails off. I then realize that she's asking me if Emma is mine. Don't ask me why, LOL, i just assumed that everyone else thought the same thing that i did...OF COURSE SHE'S MINE! And then, i wonder why she's asking....and how do i answer, and is she asking because i'm old and chubby (sigh, don't beat me up, readers, these are my thoughts....my friends don't think that i'm chubby or old, lol) or heck, why is she asking?? Don't i look like a Mommy?? It's what i'm wearing, isn't it? Do Mommies wear Cole Haan shoes? I'm sure it's my hair, isn't it?? It is sad how my mind rambles, eh?


I finally find my voice and after smiling and saying "Oh yes, she's mine! Isn't she beautiful? My husband and i adopted her from Guatemala. I can't tell you how blessed we feel that we have her in our lives!" And as i look up, i see this woman staring at my Emma with tears in her eyes. Her story tumbles out...how it has been a dream of hers to adopt from China since she was a teenager. She wasn't sure why China, she just felt 'called' to adopt from there. Unfortunately, the 'rules' for adopting from China have changed recently and there are many new rules and due to her weight, her and her husband's BMI was much too high to be able to adopt from China. She and her husband now remain childless as they figure out what to do. They are looking into another country and they are also looking into domestic and the state foster to adopt program. She is so wonderful with those children in Emma's group and i know that she would make a wonderful Mommy no matter what her weight is. There are so many children out there that need a Mommy and Daddy to love them....


I think that i may have a new walking buddy if i can talk her into it...she is scared to try to loose because she's tried so many times before and failed. She is looking in gastric bypass surgery and she feels it's her only hope to be healthy. She tells me that she's always loved how i dressed and how i carry myself and how she sees me in the park with the stroller and Emma and wishes that she could be doing the same. Of course, i am amazed that anyone looks at me much less thinks that of me; she must have me confused with another Mommy. She thinks it's impossible to loose weight on her own...she is such a nice woman and is so good with those children in her class and it breaks my heart to hear her words. As i look at her, i see some of me. Scared of trying for failing, scared of not trying at all, scared of being trapped in her body forever and scared that she will never be free of the weight to go after her dreams. And i walk away promising myself that i will not let weight be my excuse anymore. I refuse to let my weight be a roadblock...especially since i'm working on it. And i want the same things for this sweet woman. And even if she doesn't know it yet, she's my new walking buddy...

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Where did THAT Cherrio come from???



As a first time Mommy, you learn lots of new and interesting things. Like what you think is sand in your sweet daughter's poop is NOT sand (thank you, Dr. Rothman for not laughing at me hysterically when i called about this, btw) but just undigested Cheerios. Really, who knew? Emma has never been even near sand yet so i couldn't figure out, oh, never mind. Undigested Cheerios look like sand? Really? It's not in any of the child care books i've read. As a first time older Mommy, it's almost a job requirement to read every possible book you can get your hands on about how to raise a child and there was never any mention of how Cheerios can look like sand in a baby's poop. ick....let's just say, i have a lot to learn about my new Mommy gig.


But i love being a Mommy. You hear about a "Mother's Love" but until you feel it, until you wrap your arms around it, you truly don't understand. I am now one of "them"....you know, the women who can hear their child whimper from 5 miles away, the women who can make boo-boos better with a kiss and a hug, the women who get thrown up on by their little ones and don't care, the women who sleep with one ear 'on' all night in case they are needed to chase away bad dreams, the women who love like they never thought possible. I will also be among the ranks in years to come to wear a Mother's Day macaroni necklace, which i am truly excited about. And all because of a little child who calls you "Mama". It is indeed, the sweetest word to hear.



As an older first time Mommy, i sometimes feel like i'm trying to swim on dry land. Being a Mommy doesn't SEEM like hard work, but it is. It is 24/7 around here, with no time off, no bonus (unless you count hugs and kisses), and no hope of shaving both of my legs at the same time for a very long time. As a former career girl, i was the 'go-to' girl; you know, the one who get things done and knows her job backwards and forwards. Fast forward to now where i'm like a clueless Mommy, learning as i go, making all kinds of goofy mistakes as i go along. Some mistakes are funny and thankfully, none of the mistakes have been life threatening. Lucky for me, i have a little girl who is very forgiving (even when i diaper her backwards) and doesn't quite yet realize that i'm learning this Mommy job as i go.


And oh, i hear the sweetest word now....it's actually the screaming of the sweetest word, but oh, what a sweet sound. I'm a Mama! :)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Friday thoughts.....

Friday thoughts and ramblings from my blog....

So happy that it's Friday! It's not that we have a lot planned, it's just a different pace and i relax a little. I think that i take my "job" as a Mommy a bit too serious some days (okay, most days!)....Robert is the "fun" one, i'm afraid. He's the "let's-go-down-the-slide" Daddy and i'm the "that's not a little girl slide" kinda Mommy. No one ever mentioned to me before becoming a Mommy that there were so many "dangers" that i needed to "protect" my daughter from. Can you tell which one of us in our little family has some serious relaxing to do? Yup, that would be me. So, i'm trying to relax a bit more in my "Mommyness".

I try not to be high strung, really, i do. I try not to look out for danger and let Emma learn things on her own, like falling down is okay, you just get back up. I try to treat that as an "oh-oh, you fell down, you're okay" moment instead of swooping down and holding her. I don't want to be "stalker-Mommy", ready to swoop down in a moments notice to keep the world safe. (and, yes, i use to make fun of Mommies who act like i do now, wondering why in the world they wouldn't just relax?? What WAS wrong with THEM?? Yesh, it's so easy to be a Mommy when you aren't one!) If i do this, if i act like this, i worry that Emma will never learn to be a self assured little girl. It does seem to me that whether i want to admit it or not, this little girl is growing up right before my eyes and is beginning to form her own little personality. She's fearless. No steps are too much, no noise seems to startle her, she loves water and being splashed, she loves bouncing on her bouncy chair and the higher the better, being on Daddy's shoulders brings on little girls squeals and giggles as he bounces (sigh, YES, he bounces....he looks like freakin' Tigger). Meanwhile, Mommy is in the corner, hyperventilating because she thinks that the little one is in 'danger' of falling.

As a child, i remember being scared of everything. The dark, loud noise, loud voices, thunder...this list could go on and on. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason, i didn't. I always wanted to be held and cuddled. I wanted to be near my Mom....i wasn't a happy camper when she would leave the room. Maybe some children are like this, you know, it's just who they are. Maybe it's part of their personality. Maybe that's the way that God made them. So i figured that maybe, all children would be like this to a certain extent.....

Nope. Not happenin' here. Emma is independent. She's not a cuddler unless i have a bottle in my hand. She'll let you pick her up and cuddle her for a few seconds, but then she's off looking for the next adventure. She's not needy. Heck, she's an easy child when i compare her to other folks children. I guess being a Mommy is about figuring out the kind of child you have and doing the best you can to meet their needs. And it's not about smothering and chasing away all dangers. Oh, some dangers are unacceptable, but the ones like running too fast and falling? Really, i need to get a grip. I can't let my personality effect the natural Emma personality that is now starting to form. I don't want her to be scared of her shadow, i don't want her to be fearful of life, i don't want her to be scared of falling down, i don't want her to be scared of the dark.

My hope for Emma is as it is for me: to be fearless and to love herself. To take chances and to love life as she is. To not be afraid of life because after all, you do get what you put out there in life.

It truly all starts with me, doesn't it?

Are those teeth?!?!

Got front teeth!!


This weekend was a big weekend for you, Emma. Your front teeth started coming in! And like most little ones who teeth are coming in, you weren't a happy camper. It started late on Saturday when we were all shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and you and i were giggling. Okay, i was making you laugh by hopping like a lunatic Mommy, but hey, it was fun! And then i noticed something.....

You had the starts of your front teeth!! Your Dad had already noticed but wanted me to find out on my own....how excited we both were!!! Of course, silly parents that we are, we had no idea what the night would hold for us. :( You had a horrible fever when we got home....so horrible that i was scared. In fact, i was terrified. You threw up your night time bottle and it went worse from there. You screamed....and screamed, and screamed some more. I sang to you, rocked you, held you...and yet you still screamed. A few tears, but mostly screams. I cried with you in our bedroom.....

Finally, you fell asleep around midnight. Your Dad and i went to bed, too, knowing that you would be awake soon. At 2:45am, you woke up again and we took your temperature. It was 102 degrees. I could feel my heart fall...you were so hot and so upset. After a diaper change, we gave you a bottle and held you. You were wide awake....at around 4am, we finally gave in and put you in your bouncy chair. You were happy there and bounced and bounced!!! You finally boucned yourself to sleep and i put you in your room.

The next morning you were a little better, so we all just stayed in our pjs and played. You ate better and your Dad went to the store and he got you Baby Motrin which really did the trick. By very late that evening, you were good. So good in fact, that you ate toast with your Dad, and you bit off some toast!! I was excited to see that you were now able to 'bite'....let's just hope that you don't bite anyone! :)

You and i are also taking walks every morning in the park.....you seem to like the stroller and of course, we stop by the swings so we can swing. The higher you go, the happier you are! Your Dad always wants to know if i put you on the slide, too....of course, lol, the answer is "no". I'm not ready to see you that grown up.

Know that we love you, dear Emma.....

Mommy

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Frustrated Beyond Belief


My husband has been planning a trip to play in a poker tournament for a while. I was fine with it; he took Thursday off to stay home with Emma and i and to run my Honda into the shop for maintenance. Robert is a very good poker player but rarely plays in tournament because of work and well, he doesn't want to leave Emma. He asked me for us to go as a family, but going to a poker tournament with a now walking one year old just didn't seem wise. He left very late Thursday night after we had put Emma to bed. It has done nothing but rain (and rain very hard since then, so Emma and i have stayed in.) While i'm thrilled that it was raining as our area had water shortages last summer, i was ready for it to stop! ;)

It's now Saturday morning...i have my second WW meeting to attend in 15 minutes and i have a meeting with an adoption group whose board i recently joined early this afternoon. I also wanted to go to the mall to walk, go to Target for some photo frames and maybe have lunch at Subway with little Emma. It was going to be a Mommy and Emma day! I woke up early, did my treadmill, ate breakfast, got my little one up and dressed and fed-and out the door we went! Heck, we were even running a little early! How often does THAT happen?

Get to the garage...get Emma in her car seat and i hop in with my car keys. Only my key for the Honda is MISSING. IT'S NOT ON MY KEY CHAIN. I keep staring at it, wondering what the heck?? I continue to stare at it, waiting for my key to magically appear. It doesn't, of course. And then it slowly dawns on me: my husband has taken the car key off my key ring when he took my Honda in for it's maintenance. I call him...and he replies "Are you sure?" Am i sure???? Is he kidding??? And then this "You can always call Enterprise, sweetie, they will bring a car to you!". I sit there in disbelief and tell him, no, i'm not calling Enterprise or asking a neighbor to help me because it's pouring rain. I tell him i have to go because i know that i am angry. And don't know why. I don't want to say anything that i can't take back. It was an accident, he didn't mean to take my key off and not replace it. I know this. So why am i so angry??

I unbuckle Emma and we go back upstairs. I'm in tears. I said i wouldn't miss a meeting. I said that i would attend the board meeting. I HATE not doing the things i commit to. I HATE not doing the things that i say i'll do. I was looking forward to this WW meeting (i lost 5 POUNDS this week on dear Betsy the scale and wanted to stand in front of someone else to show off-how funny am i?), i was looking forward to working with the women on this adoption board. I am stuck here till Sunday when hubby gets home. I am stuck in the house. I feel like a caged woman (Mommy).

I cry hot tears...and i realize that it's more than that. Since being married i've tried to do all of the things i'm suppose to do. I do it out of love; after a horrible first marriage, i realize how important it is to do your part and to give all that you can possibly give. Since being a Mommy, i have done the same thing. I have taken care of both my husband and daughter-every day in every way that i possibly can and i've done a good job. And i feel truly blessed and have loved doing it. But every now and again, well, i miss my prior life. I miss working at my old job (i loved my job), i miss thinking only about me, i miss sleeping in, i miss going to a gym anytime i want, i miss spending 'my' money (how shallow is that? sigh....my husband is more than generous) and not "our" money, i miss my old house that i worked so hard on to fix, i miss my garden, i miss my work friends, i miss long, long showers where i can shave BOTH legs instead of just one leg, i miss manicures, i miss pedicures, i miss volunteering with Habitat, i miss getting in my car with only my purse and singing to rock music at the top of my lungs, and i miss eating cereal for dinner.

I know that i am beyond blessed....but i realize sitting here that it's okay to miss these things. I fought so hard to be independent after my first marriage, to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I did very well financially at work and i had made a nice home for myself by working very hard at fixing it up. I would NEVER trade what i have now for what i have then....

...but every now and again, i miss my old life.

And that, i realize now, is okay.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Price of Life-News Article

The Price of Life~News article
March 2007
The Price of Life
by Billy Briggs


Sergio Ortega asks me to look at two pictures of his daughter, Velvet. In the first, taken four years ago by her husband Kenneth, she kneels, holding her daughter Kimberly on the occasion of her only child's first birthday. A cake sits in the foreground, and from behind it, Velvet gazes happily at the camera. In the second, taken by a policeman, Velvet's eyes are screwed shut and her face is grotesquely swollen. Battered beyond all recognition, her head is double its size. This second photograph was taken after the 25-year-old was found dead after being bound, raped and beaten in the suburbs of Guatemala City in July, 2005.

Ortega is a tall, thin man with jet black hair, more Slavic in appearance than Guatemalan. His hands tremble as he replaces the pictures in a large brown file. “My beautiful daughter,” he says in Spanish.

Velvet's death came one year before Amnesty International issued a report that highlighted a staggering increase in the number of women murdered in Guatemala. According to the report, the figure has increased by more than 400 percent since 2002. In 2005, the fourth consecutive year the total had risen, 665 deaths were registered. The death toll for 2006, according to the Guatemalan Human Rights Commission, was 672. That equates to nearly two women every day.

Up to 70 percent of female homicides have never been investigated and no arrests have been made in 97 percent of cases, according to Guatemala’s Human Rights Ombudsman, Frank La Rue. The report called on the nation’s president, Oscar Berger, to take urgent steps to improve policing, to strengthen the witness protection program, and to provide funds for the country’s National Forensic Institute. Despite this, the killings continue in Guatemala; the phenomenon is called femicide.

THE IMPETUS FOR VIOLENCE
Guatemala borders El Salvador, Honduras, Belize and Mexico. It is a land of stunning beauty with more than 30 live volcanoes and jungles jeweled with ancient Mayan temples. It is also a nation recovering from a 36-year civil war, spurred by a CIA coup in 1954. The conflict ended ten years ago. Its legacy remains: the deaths of at least 200,000 Guatemalans left the country virtually lawless. Violence is endemic and public lynchings are common, a form of mob justice particularly prevalent among rural communities. A study by the UN found that between 1996 and 2002 there were around 400 lynchings resulting in more than 200 deaths.

Guatemala City, the capital and largest urban center in Central America, sprawls over a mountain valley in the southern part of the country and is home to nearly three million people, the vast majority of whom live well below the poverty line. To the south of the city sits the smoking volcano of Pacaya; at night its glowing lava flows are visible from the road that heads west to the old Spanish colonial city of Antigua.

Guatemala City is one of the most violent capitals in the world. Last July, Philip Alston, the United Nation's special reporter on extrajudicial, summary and arbitrary executions, said the current levels of violence in Guatemala are worse than during the civil war. Murder is as common as the street vendors selling tortillas. Soldiers patrol the streets and nearly every shop or business has a security guard outside who nervously totes a pump-action shotgun held high up across the chest. Shopkeepers serve from behind steel bars and the down-at-heel, low-rise streets are mostly deserted at night. It is a city living in fear.

Much of the current violence in Guatemala is targeted at women. The Centre for Legal Action on Human Rights (CALDH) has a folder six inches thick of newspaper cuttings detailing female murder stories from the previous three months. The tabloids such as Dia and Nuestro Diario are full of such reports daily. There were 19 killings the day I arrived—six of the victims were women. I sift through the folder; a female murdered in a cafe in broad daylight 100 metres from a police station; a photo of a woman's body stuffed in a box; a machete used in an attack on a student; an AK47 fired in another; a woman killed in front of her daughter.

Gangs are to blame for most of the female killings—or so runs the line in Guatemala City officialdom. Since the end of the war and the virtual breakdown of law and order, gang culture has spread from the United States and taken hold in the slums of Guatemala City. The maras, as they’re called, terrorize communities through violence; they have been known to kill for just a few dollars. The two most notorious groups in the region are Mara 18 and Mara Salvatrucha.

THE LONG SHADOW OF CIVIL WAR
Sergio hands me four more pictures. They are mug shots of the young men he believes are responsible for Velvet's murder. Sardonic faces glower back defiantly at the camera. The men—El Negro, El Quique, El Mykol, and El Tiul—are maras members, all infamous in the San Juan Sacetapequez area close to Guatemala City.

In June 2005, the maras came to Velvet's video and internet arcade to demand 500 quetzals a month—about 25 dollars—in protection money. Velvet refused to pay them. "They threatened her and stole money, so she called the police. Two of the maras were caught and ended up in jail. But then one of their mothers came to the shop to threaten Velvet and to ask her to withdraw the charges. She did so on the condition the money was returned... and it was. We hoped that would be the end of it," Sergio says.

But the gangs take grave offence at any sign of disrespect. They returned to the arcade a month later on July 13th, when Velvet was alone. Velvet's murder, Sergio says, was a warning to others not to defy them.

It is rumored that killing a woman is also part of some gangs’ initiation processes. Juan Rivera, covered with 150 tattoos, was, until two weeks before, a member of the Mara Salvatrucha in zone six of Guatemala City. Now, the 21-year-old stays at a rehab center for young men who want to escape the violence of the streets. Rivera admits that one has to kill to get into a gang but says the victim doesn't have to be female. “As long as you kill on the other gang's territory... [and] the more people you kill the faster you get in the gang,” he says. He also insists that gangs do not carry out mutilations of female bodies and instead accuses the police of these types of murders. “The maras only ‘smoke’ [shoot] people,” he adds.

General Montt, whom Spain is trying to extradite for crimes against humanity, ran for president in 2003 and will run again for Congress in September. The message seems clear: life is cheap and acts of brutality will go unpunished.
Claudio Samayoa, a 39-year-old human rights activist who has been carrying out research on femicide, agrees. "Gang violence is generally gang against gang, using guns. But we've had weeks when it's just been pregnant women killed, or periods when females with the same characteristics have been targeted, or only evangelicals, or specific age groups,” she says. “In February, 2003, the bodies of 12 women aged between 16 and 21 were found cut up in garbage cans across the city."

She points out that the patterns of killing resemble those present during the civil war. During the conflict, women were targeted by the state in the fight against leftist guerrillas. “Women were raped and killed extremely violently to give out a graphic message to communities that they should not support the rebels,” Samayoa says.

She believes that forces linked to the military and the police are deliberately orchestrating the atrocities for their own gain. In targeting women, she says, they are promoting instability and fear in society and are engaging in a form of psychological warfare by casting up a perfidious past. “There were mutilated women's bodies put on the streets back in the 1980s during the war, and there are women's corpses littering the streets again now,” Samayoa says. “Now there seems to be a fad in the killings.”

In 1999, a UN-sponsored Truth Commission said that the nation's armed forces and police were responsible for 93 percent of the atrocities that took place during the war and that those responsible for the worst crimes should be brought to justice. According to Samayoa, however, army and police officers accused of abuses have retained their positions. The nation’s culture of impunity is personified by General Montt, whom Spain is trying to extradite for crimes against humanity. He ran for president in 2003 and announced recently he will run again for Congress in September. The message to society seems clear: life is cheap and acts of brutality against women will go unpunished.

NO ONE TO TURN TO
At the Congress Palace the President of the Human Rights Commission, Mirna Ponce, keeps a body count of women killed, and updates a chart outside her office nearly every day. Ponce, an opposition politician from the Guatemalan Republic Front, is scathing about the lack of impetus on the part of the police to investigate female murders. "They (the police) do not care about female victims. If a female body is found they immediately say she was a prostitute, or it was the result of gang killing. They simply do not investigate and are the worst institution in the country because of the corruption. There is no fingerprint or DNA database, no crime or victim profiling, and no real forensic science. In 2005, 26 female recruits were raped at the National Police Academy," she says.

Juana Maria Matamoros was murdered by a senior police officer, Santiago Luis Garcia, who lives four doors away. Juana’s sister, Yesinia, and her mother, Josefina, sob uncontrollably as they explain how he came into their home at 9:45am on July 10th, 2006, and fired 14 times at Juana. Five bullets entered her body. Yesinia, who witnessed the murder, says Garcia admitted to her that Juana’s was a revenge killing. Garcia’s wife had run off with Juana's brother.

The Matamoros family is supposed to be in witness protection but instead remain in the home where the killing took place—on the same street as Garcia's family who have been making threats. And the police will not guarantee round-the-clock security at the home—not that the Matamoros family trusts the police. “We do not know who could be standing guard outside our door. An officer could even be a friend of Garcia,” Yesinia says.

Although Garcia is in custody—the result of pressure from a group called Sobrevivientes [Survivors], which aids female victims of violence—the family fears he will escape justice because of his position. Yesinia says she is scared of being killed in another revenge attack. Juana's children, Howard, age six, Maryann, age seven, and Luisa, age 10, say nothing.

Asked for an interview, National Police Chief Erwin Sperizen agrees initially, but then cancels two days later. He declines requests for another date.

SOCIAL INEQUALITY STOKES THE FIRE
In Guatemala, it is common for men to believe that women are inferior and that domestic violence and rape are acceptable; it is accepted for a married man to have a mistress and, in some communities—according to the UN's Special Rapporteur on the
Sale of Children, Child Prostitution and Child Pornography—for fathers to take their daughters’ virginity. "Women have no real right to work, to education or to healthcare," says human rights activist, Giovana Lemus, from the fortress-like offices of the Network for Preventing Violence Against Women in Guatemala City. She adds that this is a country where a man can escape a rape charge if he marries his victim, provided she is over the age of 12, and that having sex with a minor is only an offence if the girl can prove she did not act provocatively. "And many of these crimes take place within the family," she says.

Though not atypical for Latin America—in many of its countries there is a long history of misogyny—in Guatemala this perception has exacerbated the problem of femicide, almost like a collective shrug toward violence against women.

The figures for rape, as with murder, are increasing and there were more than 4000 such crimes reported by girls under the age of 16 between 2000 and 2005 in Guatemala City alone, Lemus says. In the two main hospitals in Guatemala City there are no fixed procedures with which to investigate cases of rape, Lemus says, and women are generally turned away. Unless the issue of discrimination is addressed, and female life begins to be valued, the violence will continue unabated, she explains.

At Casa Alianza, a shelter for teenage girls, there are around 80 girls in care. Claudio Rivero, who has worked there for five years, notes that most have been sexually abused, some by their own fathers. Rivera says that some girls reject their babies simply because they are so young. In one shared bedroom with bunk beds for the young mothers and three white cots for children, Danielle Estevez picks up her baby and kisses him on the forehead. Her son, Carlos Daniel, is two months old. Danielle is only 12. She was raped by her stepfather. "It was not time for me, but I have to look after him because he is my son," she says in a daze, her mind flitting. She kisses Carlos again as he kicks his legs and squeezes her finger. Danielle, slim with long, brown hair, smiles at him. Anyone seeing them would think she was Carlos's elder sister.

EVERYONE IS TO BLAME
After Velvet's death, police caught one of the men who had been detained following the first incident. But they did not seal off the crime scene or make any forensics report and, despite a full confession providing detailed information only the killers could know about Velvet's death, the men thought to be responsible still walk the streets. “Mario, the guy caught, was not even informed of his rights, and, as a result, walked. I don't think that anyone will ever go to prison for my daughter’s murder," Sergio says.

"There have not been enough police investigations, not enough specialized training, and a lack of co-ordination between police and prosecutors has not helped,”says Gabriella Nunez, the official in charge of Seprem, a special commission to investigate female killings, set up by the Guatemalan government after pressure from the U.S. Senate in November 2005. “But we are addressing the issue with more resources and developing a strategy to deal with femicide."

In an interview at her office, Nunez says she doesn’t have the answer to stopping femicide yet, and admits to a number of failings on behalf of the state. Has anyone has been fired over the past five years? Nunez thinks, replies, "Probably not. Why has it taken so long to investigate the problem? "Because the system is weak," she says bluntly. Government recognizes the problem of femicide, she insists, but there is a major issue with violence generally in Guatemala that will take time to change.

Carlos Viellman, the former Guatemalan interior minister, promised that new laws on rape and domestic violence will be introduced. He added that all police departments will have special sections created to deal with female victims of violence and that the Spanish government has been helping to train Guatemalan investigators. But Viellman was unable to offer much by way of explanation of the problem other than to say "We have a culture of violence in Guatemala." And, of course, this is something the government is trying to address. His promises still resonating, Viellman resigned weeks after we spoke.

Many fighting for justice and for the rule of law in Guatemala see little to cling to, so they turn to their faith in a power higher than the state's. In Santo Domingo Church, Odilia Medrano Pineda lights two candles for her daughter Dora, murdered at home four years ago. Odilia, a frail women of 56 who looks considerably older, survived the same attack, but barely. Dora was only 18, when she was tied up, raped, beaten, and burned alive during a robbery in 2002. Odilia was also raped, then battered with a rock and left for dead in a river. At one point the killers discussed decapitating her. "One of them said, 'Today, we kill you and tomorrow the vultures eat you,'" Odilia tells us, weeping.

Odilia and her husband David are in church the day after a court convicted Rigoberto Lopez, Myrna Espinoza and Juan Santos for Dora's murder. They were sentenced to 60, 50 and 50 years in prison, respectively—a surprise verdict to many people in Guatemala but perhaps an indication that the courts are taking a tougher stance on femicide. They pressed on despite continuous death threats and a fear the three killers could escape jail because of a corrupt prison system. "We knew God was with [the judges]... God gave them strength for this great injustice," Odilia says.

But Sergio Ortega's faith has yielded nothing; still he perseveres. Las Flores Cemetery where Velvet is buried is vast and green; the high graveyard overlooks the city, a city so dangerous that armed guards patrol even here. “There are lots of robberies—even the dead cannot rest, it seems,” Sergio says from the cemetery. There are no headstones, just small bronze plaques set in the ground. Velvet’s memorial is etched with sheep led by a shepherd, and reads, “Velvet Madelline Noemi Ortego—Feb. 23, 1980 to Jul 13, 2005.” Sergio bends down on one knee and gently brushes the bronze with his hand. “I come here about once a month. But Velvet’s husband, Kenneth, finds it too difficult to come…Kimberly just keeps asking for her mom. What can we tell a child? When will we ever get justice and closure?” he says, echoing what the desperation of many Guatemalans.

Billy Briggs (www.billybriggs.co.uk) is a freelance journalist from Scotland who specialises in human rights issues. In 2005, he was the recipient of two awards from Amnesty
International for reportage about neo-Nazis in Russia. He has written recently for The Guardian, The Sunday Times, The Herald and Sunday Herald.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

If You're Happy And You Know It...


I had a very good week thus far....while there is distance to go in this journey to a healthy life, it is slowly coming together. I have re-vamped my food choices (i've cut out my morning peanut butter and toast and replaced it with Kashai and fruit or oatmeal; i've taken to eating spinach salads at lunch with lots of fresh veggies and fruit and i've lighten my dinner meals) and that has seemed to have helped. I've also taken to eating slowly and putting my fork down while eating. The soda is gone and i truly wished that i had given that up sooner. I gave it up the end of January; only having a diet soda occasionally. I drink water only now...it is as though my tasted buds are changing slowly. Things that were not salty before are too salty now, i can "taste" sugar. I also feel so much better...

Here is my latest favorite quote from Ramona, a spark buddy of mine who is an absolutely brilliant writer with a beautiful soul:

"How many times have you told yourself "I can't do that"? Most of us probably say it more often than we realize. Every time you are faced with a challenge, do you automatically think of all of the things holding you back or do you think about all of the things have to make it possible? A positive attitude about yourself can catapult you into higher achievement. So, the next time you hear yourself saying " I can't", remember, YOU CAN!"

Needless to say, the above quote is in my motivational notebook! :)

Emma and i have been doing a lot of singing...which is funny as i sing horribly. Really, really, really horribly! Like cat-in-heat sounding horribly! Funny, though, she doesn't seem to notice my off-key attempts and has learned to clap and bounce and giggle as i sing "If your happy and you know it" and the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider". Of course, she may be clapping and bouncing and laughing in an attempt to try to get me to stop singing, lol, but it has been amazing. She is now walking full time, rarely crawling anymore. My heart fills with joy every morning when i first go into her room and she says "Mama". My cup overflows and i am truly blessed to have this child in my life.

Robert and i were looking at the many photos i've taken since Emma has come into our lives and we are in awe at how quickly she is growing and learning things. Where has time gone and how can i slow it down? It is so important for me to document everything for her; but as i look back on her blog, it's like i've blinked and she's now a toddler. She can point to our noses, her nose and her belly! I remember my mother telling me that i didn't understand about being a mother....and she was right. There are no words to explain the utter joy, the hard work, the awesome feelings of being a mother. I never could have imagined that a woman could love a child so much. I am trying to wean her from her bottle....she's ready, i think, but oddly enough, i'm not. I love the bottle time with her. We cuddle on the big red recliner and she holds my hand and looks into my eyes. Sometimes we both end up taking a nap together on the recliner. I know all of the reasons why it's important to get rid of the bottle....so i'm having a conversation with my heart to catch it up with my brain. :(

Off to fix some dinner and to sing "If your happy and you know it".....