Today was a big, big day for Emma and i. Robert and i decided that it was a good idea to enroll Emma in a "Mother's Day Out" program at a local church so she could get to play with other children in a different setting. At this point, Emma may be an only child, so exposing her to other children and learning to play with other children seems like a good idea. Okay, it SOUNDS like a good idea and i'm sure it is from Emma's point of view....but from mine? I feel like i left my heart back at the little classroom where i left her with her teacher, Ms. Cindy. Emma, however, was much too excited with the new toys and other children to notice that i was having one of my "Mommy Moments". So, after making sure that all was well and speaking to the director, i got into my car and promptly cried all of the way home.
Our home is so quite without her. Something is definitely missing. It is amazing how one little child can make a home come to life. And it is amazing to me that i can love a child this much and that she loves me back. Oh, i'm sure that in years to come, i won't be "fun" anymore. In fact, i'm sure that i'll be asked to "please don't kiss me in front of my friends" or "please change out of those pants; they are kinda ugly" or even better "i can do this all by myself". It occurs to me that Emma growing up in almost a series of good-byes to the little baby that she was when she was placed in my arms. It is my job to teach her to be independent and to do things on her own in order for her to grow up and be the kind of woman that God intended her to be. And even though i know this......
.....I want so desperately to freeze frame every moment with Emma. I love how she'll call me "Mama" in the mornings when i go into her room. I love how she giggles and laughs as she chases me around the kitchen area. I love watching her figure things out~like a toy is on the table and rolls away from her and she figures out that she needs to move to the other side of the table to reach it. I love how she hugs her stuffed animals. I love how she finds comfort in stinky Mr. Cupcake the pink elephant. I love how she loves her Elmo doll. I love how she rolls the "Big Red Ball" to me. I also love playing peek-a-boo with her. My heart melts when i see her watching me and i look over to her and she smiles one of her big beautiful smiles at me. I love being Emma's Mommy....it is my greatest blessing.
I do wonder if all mothers feel as i do toward their children. Do they all ache to see them stay little and make time stand still? Do they all take this much joy in a child? And is that wrong? I honestly worry sometimes that i've made this little girl and my husband my entire life. I wonder where that career girl went to? I wonder where that runner went to? I wonder where that "it's all about me" girl went to? Where is the "sleep-till-noon" girl? Where is the woman who lived in high heels? I've become, well, I am their caretaker....i make sure what they need is taken care of. I deliver forgotten lunches to my husband. I make sure that i kiss him good-bye and hello every morning when he leaves for work and every evening when he comes home. I know that he feels better when there is no clutter, so i try to keep it manageable. I make sure that the house in as danger-proof for Emma as i can make it. I make sure that she and i get to the park so she can run and play to be healthy. I make sure that we eat as we should. I make sure that all laundry is done and put away. I make sure that things are ironed. I make sure that we get to where we need to be on time. I try to make sure that we have fresh flowers and fresh veggies. I try to make sure that they are both happy and that the house if full of laughter. I kiss them so much that i think i drive them both nuts at times. And i constantly, constantly, constantly thank God during the day for blessing me with this life.
With all of the excitement of getting Emma to her class this morning, it never once occurred to me what i was going to do after i left her in her classroom. I have until 1pm till i am to pick her up. It's 10am now. That's THREE hours without Emma. And although i'm sure that i'll eventually maybe look forward to Mother's Day Out....well, right this second?
I miss my daughter. I miss her very much.
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