It's not been a good day...

On a scale of 1-5, well, i'd say i'm at a high three.

It's very late and this Mommy should be tucked into bed, sleeping soundly. But, sleep isn't coming too easy tonight. It's so quiet in our home right now, just me pattering on the keyboard. No giggles from Emma, no playing chase as she's sleeping soundly. Robert is snoring that gentle "i'm so happy i'm sleeping snore". I've checked on them both and it's no secret that i love to watch Emma sleep. So sweet...

Back to my yucky day...

A few months ago, my diligent husband talked me into going to a "LifeScan Screening" where they do all kinds of different scans to check your arteries, etc. I didn't want to go, but he wouldn't leave me alone, lol, so i went. Sometimes it's easier to just do what your husbands asks than to figure out a reason why you don't want to. I simply ran out of excuses why i didn't want/couldn't/hated the idea of going to this thing. He is quite the healthy one and makes me look horrible as he is religious in getting his checkups. I, however, need to be dragged, kicking and screaming like a five year old to any appointment. Of course, i'm great about being on time with Emma and reminding Robert of HIS appointments. Gotta keep those we love healthy~

When we got our results back from this scan thingy, i was thrilled as my numbers looks so wonderful on the first 4 pages of my report. In fact, they were better than dear hubby's numbers! Then, on page 5, well, not so good. There was a spot on my thyroid that was what they called a "mixed mass" (what a term!) and i needed to make an appointment with my doctor immediately. They even sent the sonogram photos. I had no idea what i was looking at, but, being such a know-it-all, i did Internet research. You know, so i could diagnose myself because i am so smart. (note the sarcasm here.) It's a bad idea to do Internet research when you are as clueless as i am. So, i made the doctor appointment. My doctor (who listened patiently as i described in great detail all that i had read online and didn't laugh in my face) referred me to another doctor at Mid-State ENT immediately. (His name is Dr. Robert Willis).

My appointment was today. I thought it would be a 'meet and greet' kinda thing, but no such luck. He is concerned, very concerned and i am now scheduled to have a sonogram/biopsy on November 14. It's an out-patient procedure which i'm happy about. My mother passed away almost a year and a half ago from cancer of unknown origin, so i think that is what has made Dr. Willis be concerned. I have no symptoms, i feel great, my blood pressure was excellent and i've even lost weight........but even still, he has made this appointment for me. My "let's wait and see" speech fell on deaf ears. In fact, i think that he may have heard my speech before. But he was nice and discussed all that it could be and all that it may not be.

And now, i can't really remember much of that conversation with him. I remember thinking "i have a 20 month old, i don't have time for this" and then realizing what my mother must have felt sitting in the doctor's offices so many times-sheer terror.
It's easy for your mind to go places that it has no benefit of going. My mind has been there and back many times today as i watched Emma "read" or sit on my lap.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. And of course, i want to pretend that this isn't happening.

I have a 20 month old who is learning to crawl out of her crib and a husband who i can tell is just as nervous and scared as i am. I've only seen him cry twice since i've known him: our wedding day (those better have been tears of joy, lol), when my Mom passed away, and this morning. I'm trying not to let my imagination run away with me and stay off line so i don't do Internet research.......neither of these are productive. WebMD is your friend...but only when you are doing research for someone eles. But i will say that all of the info i read from WebMD was right on target....

I think a trip to the store for chocolate may be on my agenda tomorrow.

And so now, i wait till my appointment which is next Friday. I am trying to find someone to keep Emma as i don't know if our regular babysitter is able to watch her during the day. I've kept quiet today about all of this, not really wanting to say any of these words out loud. I did tell my friend Melissa and she said the words that i needed to hear:

I'll pray for you, Issy.

Off to check on Emma and find my way to bed.